The Eyes of the World Are Watching Now

This morning I logged onto the computer before heading out for my morning run. I was stunned and saddened to learn of the tragic assasination of Benazir Bhutto today. I felt my heart plunge into my gut as I imagined the chaos and grief flooding the streets and hearts of the people of Pakistan. I do not claim to be a political guru, savvy to all the latest permutations and circumnavigations of world politics, but what I do know is I am saddened today by the loss of a mother, wife and woman who committed her life to the peaceful betterment of her people, particularly the women of Pakistan. I am also saddened by the loss of life of yet another desperate suicide bomber as well as those individuals killed simply by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

My thoughts can easily becomes overwhelmed by the impact of greed, religious dogma, and man's effort to control and stifle another human being. Often these dire thoughts become too much and I use the trusty old standby, avoidance, to extricate myself from my discomfort. Heartache is everywhere we choose to look, whether it be in our own backyard (homelessness, gang violence, domestic abuse) or in the backyard of another on the other side of the world (i.e., Darfur, Tibet, Iraq). It is quite easy for us to shift our gaze, blocking out that which is uncomfortable or painful to acknowledge. It is also easy for us to react to something different or foreign to our own beliefs with defensiveness and anger. I believe the root of these responses is fear. We become fearful when we feel we are not heard, loved, valued and respected. We become fearful when it appears that another is getting more of the "pie" than we feel they deserve. We become fearful when the values and beliefs upon which we were raised are challenged and we retaliate in blistering anger and bitter scorn.

It saddens me that today the world lost a calm, persistent, intelligent and peaceful voice--one who expressed similar sentiments endorsed by Gandhi, King, and Kennedy. It saddens me that assasination, war and physical conflict continue to be the way in which we impotently strive for mastery and control. My silent prayer for today and the days that follow are for each and every one of us to evolve: To open up our minds in order to consider another way--one which respects and values another. To choose life over death and destruction. To choose love over hate and bigotry. To choose compassion over condemnation.

The grassroots organization, Department of Peace writes: "Peace is not a utopian ideal; it is an issue critical to our national and human security. Either we continue reactively addressing ever-increasing levels of violence and the consequent human and economic costs, or we take a fresh approach. This isn’t about the politics of left or right; it is about what is practical and effective. We must create the possibility for applied peacebuilding to identify and resolve conflict before it erupts into violence. The science of peacebuilding has significantly expanded over the past 30 years, creating previously unavailable tools for dismantling violence. Yet nowhere in the highest echelons of our government is there a platform from which to launch a focused, strategic approach to reducing and preventing violence."

It is my hope that, as the eyes of the world are watching, our global leaders will use this sad opportunity to choose the novel, conscious choice of global peacebuilding over the seemingly knee-jerk reaction of further destruction and violence. Let them recall the 1950s holiday carol which played the airwaves just a few days ago: "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. Let there be peace on earth, the peace that was meant to be."

Thought for the Day: What action can you take today to bring greater peace into our world?

"You can blow out a candle
But you can't blow out a fire
Once the flames begin to catch
The wind will blow it higher

And the eyes of the world are
watching now, watching now"
--Peter Gabriel, "Biko"

Laughing All the Way

Every once in a while my husband goes on a business trip and we typically spend time on the phone with each other in the evening catching up and sharing with the other the adventures or thoughts of the day. My husband is a neuroscientist (i.e., he studies the brain and how it stores memory). His scientific meetings are often held in beautiful and tropical locales and this one was held in Boca Raton. I always found the site of the meeting a bit odd since the majority of the attendees are more than happy to spend 12 hours cloistered in a darkened auditorium listening to presentations by other neuroscientists or poring over posters deep within the bowels of a convention center only to surface into the natural environment of sunshine long enough to change clothes for dinner before heading off to the evening meetings. The other night he shared with me a lecture he attended with the unlikely title of "Do Rats Laugh?" The model for most academic research is rodent: mouse or rat. Of all the meetings I have attended with my hubby, none have focused on whether the toothy subjects chortle. My husband said the lecture hall, holding around 300 folks, laughed along with the video and presentation of rats apparently laughing while being tickled on their hairy bellies. Check it out yourself at this link.

In any case, it got me thinking about how we humans have evolved to experience a range of emotions and how the ones that feel the best, laughter and joy, are at times elusive. Who hasn’t experienced the domino effect of laughter? Sometimes it starts out low and then ripples from one person to the next until it washes over you and you find yourself overcome by the giggle bug. Perhaps you caught it all by yourself while watching a movie or reading a scene in a book; something in the scene tickled you and you couldn’t help but smile, or maybe even bark a laugh. I have even woken myself up on occasion, laughing out loud while in a dream.

Humor and laughter set of a number of physical effects into play and all of them positive. Besides enhancing our lives with joy and connection with others, laughter strengthens our immune system and helps us recover from illness—and best of all, it’s FREE! This healing act is not dependent on an insurance carrier, a particular provider or certain office hours—you can access this health-booster any time, day or night. Here are some laugh-facts I’ve culled from the internet (a particularly great article was written by Leslie Lindeman, Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, PhD) and other sources—let the laughter begin!

Laughing relaxes and heals the body. A good giggle reduces problems associated with high blood pressure, strokes, arthritis, and ulcers. Daily laughter is important, researchers at Loma Linda University in California have been studying the effects of laughter on the immune system. To date their published studies have shown that laughing lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexion, and boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being. People who laugh on a regular basis have lower standing blood pressure than the average person. When people have a good laugh, initially the blood pressure increases, but then it decreases to levels below normal. Breathing then becomes deeper which sends oxygen enriched blood and nutrients throughout the body. Some research suggests that laughter may also reduce the risk of heart disease. Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a study at the University of Maryland Medical Center. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease. Historically, research has shown that distressing emotions (depression, anger, anxiety, and stress) are all related to heart disease. The UMMC study suggests that a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at stressful situations helps mitigate the damaging physical effects of distressing emotions. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases infection fighting antibodies. It increases our attentiveness, heart rate, and pulse.

Laughter provides us with a good workout. Laughter can be a great workout for your diaphragm, abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg, and back muscles. It massages abdominal organs, tones intestinal functioning, and strengthens the muscles that hold the abdominal organs in place. Not only does laughter give your midsection a workout, it can benefit digestion and absorption functioning as well. It is estimated that hearty laughter can burn calories equivalent to several minutes on the rowing machine or the exercise bike.

Laughter helps our brain. Laughter stimulates the brain to enhance learning. It eases muscle tension and psychological stress, which keeps the brain alert and allows people to retain more information.

Laughter unites families. Families who are able to laugh together or see humor in situations together are those that are share the closest bonds. Humor binds people together and allows them to move through difficult times united. No family is perfect, and when one can laugh about situations or interactions rather than stepping into tension and hostility, everyone benefits. Mood is elevated by striving to find humor in difficult and frustrating situations. Laughing at ourselves and the situation helps reveal that small things are not the earth-shaking events they sometimes seem to be. Looking at a problem from a different perspective can make it seem less formidable and provide opportunities for greater objectivity and insight. Humor also helps us avoid loneliness by connecting with others who are attracted to genuine cheerfulness. And the good feeling that we get when we laugh can remain with us as an internal experience even after the laughter subsides.

Humor shifts the ways in which we think. It is not situations that generate our stress, it is the meaning we place on the situations. Humor adjusts the meaning of an event so that it is not so overwhelming.

So now you have plenty of information about why it is good for you and your health to find reason to laugh each day. When you find yourself stuck in a bad mood, try to shift your perspective and ask yourself the following questions:

• Is it really worth getting upset over?
• Is it worth upsetting others?
• Is it that important?
• Is the situation irreparable? Is it really my problem?

Need some help toning your funny bone? Here are a few suggestions:

• Watch comedy DVDs and TV shows.
• Go to comedy clubs.
• Listen to comedy while driving.
• Read comic authors.
• Seek out funny people.
• Spend less time with overly serious people.

Thought for the Day: Lighten up and find humor in a situation today. Share a laugh with a friend or coworker and enjoy the health benefits of a good guffaw.

I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth." ~Quincy Jones

Got Squirrels?

Yesterday morning I took Zeebo and Suki out for a morning walk; wait, let me rephrase that—my two great danes took me along on their morning walk around the neighborhood. Usually I do not endeavor to take them both out at the same time since their combined weight is about 250 lbs, easily outweighing me by over 100 lbs, but my time was limited and they needed to be exercised, so I threw caution to the wind and offered up a silent prayer for an uneventful walk as we stepped out the door and headed to the trail.

The wooded neighborhood trail is lined by towering oaks and lush pecan trees. At this time of year the trees are laden with acorns and pecans. In my neighborhood an abundance of acorns and pecans means an abundance of busy and fat squirrels. And an abundance of fat squirrels means an abundance of ecstatic leaps and joyful barks and yelps for my dogs. Each dog has his or her own approach to the time-honored sport of squirrel chasing: Zeebo takes the mindfulness/zen approach. He tends to slow his walk down to a crouching crawl while sneaking up on the unobservant squirrel. All of his attention appears to zoom in on the unsuspecting furry creature. If he had the ability to tippy-toe toward his quarry he would, but unfortunately dogs don’t possess human toes so he is forced to tread carefully and slowly on his big paws toward his intended chase, sometimes actually balancing on three paws with one long rear leg extended in a several seconds-long arabesque. Occasionally he makes it within a couple of feet of a preoccupied hoarder before it senses the approach of the giant animal and scampers to the nearest tree for safety. Once he’s successfully treed the squirrel, Zeebo gives a good body shake (all the way down to the white tip of his tail) and then he’s off looking for the next opportunity for a chase.

Suki, on the other hand, shows little strategy in her approach. She’s an all or nothing girl, meaning that when she decides to go after a twitchy-tailed mammal, she blasts after it, crashing through the bush or bounding through the grass with no apparent forethought. There’s no zen in her approach--her tongue lolls crazily as she bounds and leaps after the squirrels no matter how high they are in the tree branches. She appears to be just as satisfied lunging 30 feet above her as jetting after one less than three feet away.

What I noticed on this morning’s walk as well as on other walks, is that the dogs appear somewhat selective about the squirrels they chase. I am still not completely sure what makes then decide which ones to take off after, but my initial hypothesis is that they tend to simply observe the ones that sit quietly on the branches or fences. Sometimes they take a playful half-hearted veer in the direction of the quiet squirrel but for the most part both dogs tend to ignore the meek ones and continue on their business of sniffing the ground. What really sets them off in hot pursuit are the tail-bobbing, frisky squirrels who chatter and throw taunting chirps down from their perch on high. Who knows what these chattering squirrels are saying, perhaps criticizing Suki's big, black nose or Zeebo's funny, crooked ears. Whatever the content, both dogs respond with leaps, yelps and barks and stop only when the enemy has taken refuge in higher branches. Rather than ignoring the taunts, both dogs acknowledge the interaction and respond in the best way they know--"sic'em."

Watching the dog/squirrel dynamics made me think about how we, humans that is, try to ignore our "inner squirrel." I am referring to the critical, taunting voice that holds us back from personal development and experiencing healthy relationships. In my work as a therapist, I am aware the power negative self-talk can have in preventing people from experiencing their best life and most fulfilling relationships with others. Each and everyone one of us (therapists included) at different times struggle to keep the inner critical voice at bay. An area of focus of therapy is often helping my clients acknowledge and understand their negative inner voice and how giving in to the destructive message, sabotages their personal and professional success. Self-discovery serves to free one from the old inhibitions and allows one to make conscious choices in order to achieve new goals and dreams.

What kind of voices am I referring to? Like the squirrel tossing down insults to Zeebo, perhaps your inner voice throws out comments to you such as "I'm not good enough...I don't deserve to succeed...It's all my fault...I'll never be loved." Often such negative beliefs found their voice in childhood and persist into adulthood. The inner critic affects self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, inhibiting success and accomplishment.

When the focus of therapy is to address the negative self-talk, I teach them the ABCDEs. I'll use one example throughout so you can get the idea. It's not the alphabet song, but goes like this:

A - Action or Antecedent. Let's say your boss was short with you and criticized your report.

B - Belief. If the critical voice is engaged, the thought or belief that might follow is the above action is: "My boss hates me. I'm no good at this job. I bet I will be fired."

C - Consequence. The consequence of the belief expressed above might result in you becoming sad, leaving work early, making a stop on the way home for a pint of Ben and Jerry's or something stronger.

D - Disputation. Here's the magic step: This is where you stop and dispute the above belief. Here is where you consider alternatives to your boss's comment. Perhaps she was having a bad day...perhaps she just was criticized by her boss, etc. This is the step in which you open your mind up to other alternatives and not immediately buy into the one offered up by your critical voice.

E - Energy. Once you dispute the automatic belief, you experience energy and freedom from the negative script.

Practicing these ABCDEs several times a day will help you to confront and silence the judgmental and negative, chattering "squirrel" in your own head, experiencing freedom in order to move forward toward achieving your dreams.

Thought for the Day: Become conscious of your inner thoughts this week and implement that ABCDEs to address and change your automatic thoughts.

"We allow ourselves to be ruled and controlled by our thoughts and emotions, and furthermore we allow our thoughts and emotions to be determined by our negative impulses and other afflictions of the mind. If we continue to allow this situation to occur, it can only lead to misery and suffering. Whatever brings disaster or harm should be called an enemy, so this means that the ultimate enemy is actually within ourselves."
--The Fourteenth Dalai Lama

Ow Di Body?

"Ow di body?" is the way folks greet each other in Sierra Leone. The appropriate response to the inquiry is "Da body fayne." This special greeting appeals to me in that it seems a much more personal inquiry that "Hi, how's it going?" Also it made me think about how we often forget about how the bag of bones below our neck may be faring. When things heat up in our heads (i.e., our thoughts consumed with stress from work or personal issues), we often try to solve the head issues with our bodies. Sometimes the choices are not the best: over-indulging in the Chunky Monkey ice cream or pinot noir, or giving in to the siren call of the couch. Other times, the choices we make are better in terms of self-care: getting adequate sleep, consuming a healthy diet, engaging in regular exercise and meditation.

Research comes out on an almost daily basis providing us information about the impact of stress on our health. Chronic stress poses serious threat on our bodies, with symptoms ranging from elevated blood pressure, cardiac problems, gastric problems, immune deficits to miscarriage or issues of infertility in women. Let's face it, we all live pretty stressful lives, despite our best intentions to slow our pace down. We worry about all kinds of things: money, car payments, family issues, job security, retirement, deadlines...I'm sure you can add your own personal worries to this list. We have control over certain aspects of our lives, for instance, making a conscious choice not to check email after 7 pm or getting to the gym three times a week. However, some uncontrollable stressors will always be present. For example, you get a flat tire on the way to work or you get a call at work 20 minutes before your big presentation that may result in an equally big bonus that your child has thrown up and needs to be picked up from school. Even though we can't avoid all stress, what we do have control over is how we manage the stress that is present in our lives.. The manner in which we cope with stress impacts us on a daily basis and more importantly, can impact our future health as well. The interaction of our minds and our bodies (i.e., our emotions and personality) have enormous impact on our level of health.

I am in the process of reading a book on stress and coping entitled "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers" by Robert Sapolsky, Ph.D., a researcher at Stanford University. In the book Sapolsky talks about how hormones and various parts of the brain are mobilized in response to stress and the link between stress and increased risk for certain types of diseases as well as how successfully we move through the aging process. The book's title describes the difference between how four legged animals react and respond to stress as compared to how we human animals respond to stressors. For a zebra, the most upsetting things in life are primarily acute physical crises. For example, the lion has just leapt out and chomped on his leg but he's gotten away and now has to spend the next hour evading the stalking lion. He's not worrying about whether that cute zebra in the corner of the field thinks he's a dork. In addition to acute physical stress there is also chronic physical stress. The example Sapolsky uses is this: Locusts have eaten your crops and you must wander miles a day to get enough food. The next form of stress Sapolsky describes is purely human and monkey/ape: psychological stress. He comments that since we rarely have to stalk down and wrestle our dinner, we generate all sorts of stressful events in our heads. Sustained psychological stress is a fairly recent evolutionary process. Our physiological responses are tuned to cope with short bursts of stress (either it's over with or you're over with), however, when we sit around masticating and mulling over distressing events and thoughts, we turn on the same physiological responses but keep them turned on for months or years on end with not-so-great results.

So how do we keep da body fayne? Research indicates that there are several things we can do to successfully manage stress and keep our bodies and minds healthy. Here's just a few to try:

1. Exercise: Physical activity counters stress for a number of reasons. It decreases your risk of various diseases, it generally makes you feel good, you reduce tension and you are more likely to effectively manage psychological stressors when they come your way. Importantly, you want to engage in an physical activity you enjoy (not one you are forced to participate in) and not overdo it. Overdoing it can be just as bad for your body as not doing enough. Think 30-60 minutes 3-5 days a week.

2. Meditation: Meditating for 15-30 minutes a day has been shown to provide physiological benefits (lowering blood pressure) as well as psychological benefits long after the meditation session. Meditation can be as simple as sitting quietly at your desk with your eyes closed and focusing on your breathing.

3. Social Support: Having a community of supportive friends or even one good friend is one key to psychological and physical health. As important as the right network of friends is the act of giving social support to another. Sapolsky writes about this as "In a world of stressful lack of control, an amazing source of control we all have is the ability to make the world a better place, one act at a time."

4. Choose Your Battles and Your Strategy: Have the wisdom to pick your battles and once you have, the flexibility and resiliency of strategies to use in those battles. Sapolsky offers this advice from a Quaker meeting: "In the face of strong winds, let me be a blade of grass. In the face of strong walls, let me be a gale of wind." Decide which issues are truly important and let the others slide. So what if your spouse doesn't put the toilet paper on the holder in your preferred way...So what if you're boss didn't greet you in a friendly manner this morning; it may have more to do with her own stressors not you...So what if your teenager wants to dye his hair blue, it's his hair and thankfully not yours.

In short, we don't always have complete control over our lives (or our health), but we can change the way we manage the issues that surface each day. The key is to find ways to cope with the stressors rather than allow them to dominate our lives and sabotage our health. So next time someone asks you "How's it going" you can respond "Da body's fayne, mon!"

“The concept of total wellness recognizes that our every thought, word, and behavior affects our greater health and well-being. And we, in turn, are affected not only emotionally but also physically and spiritually.”
--Greg Anderson

Thought for the Day: Evaluate how you react and respond to your stressors this week. Create some time to implement some of the suggestions above in order to take care of your health.

Attitude of Appreciation

For those of you who read my blog, you know that my Great Danes, Zeebo and Suki, are two of my best teachers about life, patience and joy. Observing their recent interactions offered me fodder for today's entry. Last week I brought home two identical brontosaurus-sized rawhide bones, one for each dog so there would be no arguing. Zeebo, the male, quickly made his choice and trotted over to the fireplace, dropped to the ground to begin his contented chew. Suki, the female, grabbed the remaining bone and leapt to the rug in front of the couch to initiate her gnawing. After a few moments, Zeebo heard Suki's happy chewing, dropped his bone, and walked to her and began to whine and bark at her to convince her to drop her bone. After several minutes, Suki acquiesced and switched to the one he abandoned. With dog-glee, Zeebo triumphantly pounced on the newly-surrendered bone and gnawed for a few moments. As you might have guessed, it wasn't long before he heard Suki enjoying the other bone and wanted that one instead.

How often have you observed yourself engaged in a scene similar to the one played out by my dogs? Think about the last time you wanted something you didn't have until you got it, and then once you got it, you didn't want it any longer? So often we become caught up in our desires for something and focused on what we don't possess that we lose sight of what we do have right now in the here and now. Wayne Dyer writes in his book "Wisdom of the Ages" about how many of us suffer from a malady of not being fully immersed in the present, yet the present is the only place we can fully immerse ourselves. We spend our present moments, the here and now of life, consumed with longing to be someplace else, or worried about the future or focused solely on what we don't currently possess in our lives. He refers to this state as an "attitude of depreciation" rather than appreciation. So how do we cure this malady? By living in a state of appreciation and gratitude.

So how does one make the shift from depreciation to appreciation? It means being conscious and making a clear choice to appreciate what you are doing now, who you are with now, what surrounds you now. To do this, you shift from a place of depreciation (i.e., thinking you are with a boring person, wishing you were anywhere but surrounded by your noisy children, becoming angry in a traffic jam), to one of conscious attention. Appreciate what is here rather than what is not here and depreciate nothing. Open your eyes and awareness by being grateful and appreciative for what surrounds you. Each situation provides you an opportunity for experience--the traffic jam may provide you with a few moments of deep breathing or enjoying the sun filtering through the trees. Last week I was stuck alongside an access road waiting to get on the freeway to drive home from Austin. I had been in a seminar all week and I was ready to get home to my family. The traffic was moving less than 5 mph and I could see that it was going to take me a while to gain access to the on ramp a mile ahead. I began to calculate how much later my arrival home would be if the traffic didn't pick up. As I felt my shoulders tense in disappointment and stress, I consciously took several deep breaths and shifted my attention to the grassy slope running parallel to my car. A hose was running and about 15 black grackles frolicked in the pooling water; drinking, splashing and bathing. Instead of becoming angry with the situation, I appreciated the opportunity to watch a group of birds, up close and personal, engage in play. By the time I merged onto the freeway, I was smiling at the birds' antics, my muscle tension erased in the process.

When we are frustrated, scared, worried, angry or upset our heart rhythms become uneven and irregular, our breathing becomes shallow and when we are upset is often difficult to think clearly. In contrast, when we feel secure and safe or experience feelings of love and appreciation, our heart rhythms are smooth and even. When we feel calm, we are able to think clearly and make better decisions.
The Institute of HeartMath® , a nonprofit 501(c)(3), is a recognized global leader in researching the critical link among emotions, heart-brain communication and cognitive function. Their findings have shown that when we consciously shift into a positive emotional state, the heart triggers a response in the brain, creating a cascade of neural, hormonal and biochemical events that actually reverse the effects of stress and benefit the mind and body. The effect is immediate and long-lasting. As the folks at HeartMath write "By learning how to self-generate heartfelt feelings of love, care, and appreciation you will not only feel a lot better, you will also be able to think more clearly and become more fulfilled and self-confident in what you do and in your relationships with all others." So next time you find yourself entrenched in depreciation, shift your thinking and experience better heart health.

Thought for the Day: Notice when you are wishing you were somewhere else and bring yourself back to a state of appreciation for where you are. Discard thoughts of depreciation. When you find yourself depreciating someone or something--stop, and see if you can substitute a thought of appreciation. Take time to meditate or deep breathe. Meditation allows us to become aware of our thoughts. Permit them to pass, then return to the present moment. Try out these steps this month and experience a positive shift in your thinking plus the added benefit of improved heart health.

"He is blessed over all mortals who loses no moment of the passing life in remembering the past." -- Henry David Thoreau

Friends for All Seasons

This was sent to me by Kathleen, my friend for life, and I am passing it on to you. Read it, think about it and pass it on to another.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you.

0 Replies - you may need to work on your 'people skills'
2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
4 Replies - you have picked your friends well
6 Replies - you are downright popular
8 Replies or More - you are totally awesome

I hope this message helps you to think about the people who have come into your life in a new light as well invites you to think about the impact you have upon others you come into contact with.

Thought for the Day: What can I do today to offer support or encouragement to another?

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.-- Anonymous

Growing Pains

Over the past couple of weeks I have engaged in some testy interactions with my teen daughter. It all started a little less than a month ago when I suggested we spend a bit more time together. If you have a teen in the house, you may have been the recipient of a similar look to the one I received if you were to make the same suggestion. I'll put it this way: it was not the overjoyed and enthusiastic look I would have received 10 years ago when she was a five-year old and there was no one in the world more special than Mommy.

For the most part, my daughter and I share a pretty healthy relationship--nearly every day we spend at least an hour recapping her day at school and she sometimes extends the time by sharing her music or writing with me. Recently when I suggested we spend some time at a concert together, one in which another mom and daughter were attending, she made it clear that I was to make her friend's mom my new BFF. I told her I understood, but there was a part of me that thought, "Surely, she will want to spend a little time with me." I still had great memories floating about in my head from last year when she and I attended the same concert in Austin. I envisioned the two of us singing and dancing together as we did last year. Well, to cut to the chase, she spent the majority of time with her pals, seeking out the "parentals" only when consumed by hunger, thirst, or in desperate need of money for a band t-shirt.

Driving home from the concert, my Mom-feelings started to smart and I began to slowly and methodically lick my wounds. Over the course of the following few days, I became increasingly aware of my daughter's less-than-sensitive comments about all things pertaining to me and our home: Why do we "always" have chicken for dinner?...Do I have to slurp my morning coffee so loudly?...Didn't I wear those pants yesterday?...Why was I here so early to pick her up?....Why was I late to pick her up? I found myself withdrawing emotionally and spending more time licking the newly inflicted wounds. You would think that, as a psychologist trained to help people open up and talk about their feelings, I would have an easier time than the average person letting my child know mine. Nope. Didn't work that way. I had to mull each slight over and over in my head and allow it to prick my heart. Finally after a few days, I let her know my feelings and how her actions and comments were hurtful. As important as it is to allow a wound to be exposed to fresh air in order to heal, I brought my hurts to light, allowing my daughter and I to work through a difficult time. I listened to her perspective and she listened to mine.

We talked about my expectations and hers, both regarding the concert and also more broadly, to encompass our changing relationship. She is no longer a little girl who needs to hold my hand when she encounters something new, but a young woman who is trying to figure out her own way in the world. I am no longer the idealized mommy with no embarrassing habits or gestures. She is at a place in her life where she is able to see the real me and compare and contrast me to her picture of my ideal. I, too, am at a place that is definitely uncomfortable at times where I am forced to see her as a maturing teenager--complete with romantic crushes, pushing of limits, and experimental behavior. I would never want to keep her encased as a little girl, but the current developmental stage is a scary one: we are both redefining our relationship to each other. Over the next few years, she will be making her preparations to leave the safety of our carefully constructed home to bound off to college and the greater world outside our front door. During that time, I too, will be shifting as I create more space for her to grow into adulthood. She will be less dependent on me for all the things I have encouraged: meal preparation, transportation, clothing, spending money, sharing of confidences and soothing of worries. She will be learning how to take more responsibility for herself and others as she steps toward greater independence. I am learning to nurture her burgeoning separate identity and together we are charting a new, but not final, course as our relationship moves to a more mature level.

Since the day my daughter and I talked, I have thought about how all relationships, no matter the type, must experience growing pains if the relationship is to move forward and deepen. Growing pains are usually not pleasant. Perhaps you can recall your own physical growing pains as a child, the ache in your shin was uncomfortable and, for some, quite painful. The pains signaled your bone and muscle growth as you matured and grew taller. Relationship growing pains can be just as painful, particularly when one person in the relationship is moving forward before the other is ready or aware of the need to move forward. For a relationship to be successful and move to a deeper level, each person needs to help support and encourage the other in the process. If one side refuses to acknowledge the need for change and growth, the relationship will likely eventually fail. In my work with adults and couples, I help my clients to articulate what it is they envision for their relationship and instead of pointing fingers of blame onto the other, I help them to shift their gaze inward and take responsibility for their own behavior and actions in the relationship. Once a partner is able to articulate what they want and need, they are empowered and can begin the steps to create it for themselves, rather than waiting for the other to do it for them.

Last night my daughter and I spent some time reconnecting and I was struck by my own conscious shift to see her not simply as my child, but as a young woman. My thoughts were not stuck in her childhood and my loss, but in the here and now, taking in the sight of her blossoming right in front of me.

Thought for the Day: If your relationship is stuck and stagnant, what shift can you create in yourself to take charge and move it forward?

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters
of Life's longing for itself. You may give them your love but not
your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their
bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be
like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward
nor tarries with yesterday." --Kahlil Gibran

Open Arms/Open Heart

This week I spent time with several clients listening to their descriptions of dissatisfaction in their personal lives. As a therapist I am honored by the trust my clients show me through their disclosure of painful secrets, feelings or fears. In the safety of our respectful relationship, my clients are able to work through their troubled histories in order to heal and then find the strength and courage to open up their hearts and allow love and compassion to enter their lives. The going is often wrought with painful memories which have been tamped down and avoided for years, but at the same time there is often sweet relief as a client unburdens his or her heavy heart and head, allowing me to share in their experience.

One of the things I teach my clients is that we often unconsciously reenact our earliest relationships in our present ones. Frequently we seek out relationships which are familiar to us, whether those early interactions were healthy or not so healthy. For instance, if you were raised in a home in which a parent was inconsistent in their display of affection and love toward you, you may, as an adult find yourself partnered with a person who offers the same kind of inconsistent attention. You may be unhappy in this relationship and you may not even be aware of the similarity of your current relationship to the one in your past, however, on a certain level, this interaction is familiar and known. In short, we repeat our own personal histories over and over until we become conscious of the pattern and decide to make a change.

This is when I truly love my work--when I am able to help an individual gain insight and clarity with regard to his or her behavior and assist them in creating a more fulfilling personal and professional life. Recently I listened to author Kathy Preston speak about our search for love in our lives. In her interview she spoke of how we close ourselves off from finding love because we have been emotionally hurt in the past. When we are closed and shut down, we continue to live in the past and we are oblivious of opportunities for healthy connections with others that may be right in front of us. I think about this also as living life in a closed loop: we just keep repeating the same behaviors without new thoughts entering in to challenge us to consider change.

One step toward living in conscious relationship with others is to take time to identify what you want in your relationships through journaling, list-making or vision board design. Once you become clear about the type of relationship you desire, you will be more likely to identify it when it comes along. Once you have identified what you desire, then you can begin to question whether your current behaviors are moving you closer to that desired relationship or keeping you on the feedback loop of dissatisfaction. The second and most difficult part of the process is the exploration of how your past relationships impact your present ones. This requires one to be willing to dig into some difficult material, perhaps recalling interactions that have been buried for some time. It requires one to become willing to feel discomfort once again in order to get to the other side. It requires a commitment to trust and a belief in one's own strength and power to recover and move forward to a place of greater health and satisfaction. It requires one to open up one's heart and become vulnerable again in order to grow and evolve, dropping the chains of the past in order to embrace the present and the potential of the future.

My hope in writing this entry is that if you find yourself in relationships which are not loving, compassionate and supportive, you now have some initial ideas as to how to help yourself move forward toward achieving the connections with others you deserve. If you feel that you would benefit from professional assistance in letting go of your past and opening your heart and arms to positive relationships, contact your local mental health agency for referrals of trained therapists who can help you to create more joy in the present.

Thought for the Day: Spend some time detailing your ideal relationship. What can you do to become more loving and compassionate in order to "attract" the desired relationship into your life? What steps can you take to become more conscious in creating the type of relationship you desire instead of remaining in the feedback loop of dissatisfaction?

"Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself." --Leo Buscaglia

ABCs of a Great Life

This month the beach towels and fun in the sun gear will be stashed away til June in order to clear the way for a brand-new academic year. Even if you don't have children in the house, flipping the calendar page over to the month of September marks the beginning of a new season. If you do have children still at home, the first weeks of September can be quite hectic and difficult as you and the other members of your family adjust to a new morning schedule, demands of homework and extracurricular activities. It is likely that over the course of the coming weeks and months you will be revisiting some distant memories of long division, algebraic equations or verb conjugations as you help your child master new academic skills and tasks this year.

When I close my eyes, I can still picture the repeating border of ABCs in capital, small letter and cursive form which wrapped around my second grade classroom like a stationary Wall Street ticker tape. I remember tracing the more complicated letters like cursive little "k" and cursive capital "Z." in the air with my finger before committing my No. 2 pencil to paper. Many people probably learned the alphabet like this: "A is for apple...B is for ball...C is for cat... Z is for zebra." And you can probably sing the "ABC song" in your sleep by now and maybe even in another language or two. A few weeks while poking about a little gift shop, I spotted a large, engraved marble plaque tucked away on a shelf. As I took a closer look at what was engraved on the plaque, along with the ABCs, I immediately realized that the uplifting message was perfect for this entry.
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Accept Differences
Be Kind
Count Your Blessings
Dream
Express Thanks
Forgive
Give Freely
Harm No One
Imagine More
Jettison Anger
Keep Confidences
Love Truly
Master Something
Nurture Hope
Open Your Mind
Pack Lightly
Quell Rumors
Reciprocate
Seek Wisdom
Touch Hearts
Understand
Value Truth
Win Graciously
Xeriscape
Yearn for Peace
Zealously Support a Worthy Cause
--Anonymous
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The message of the new (and improved) ABCs is one that each of us can aspire to implement and make a part of our everyday experience. The new ABCs encourages us to become more of some things and less of others. More loving, accepting, and tolerant of ourselves and others and less bitter, unforgiving and self-absorbed. The new and improved ABCs encourage each of us to be more empathic, altruistic and compassionate to those around us.

Acts of kindness and generosity enhance our levels of psychological and physical health. When one is willing to put their own concerns away for a while in order to help another, the result is decreased loneliness, enhanced self-esteem and self-worth for all. Research has shown that altruistic people live longer and healthier lives. In one study that followed 400 women for 30 years, researchers found that 52% of those who did not engage in volunteer work experienced a major illness--compared with only 36% of those who did volunteer. Another large study found a 44% reduction in early death among those who volunteered--a greater effect that exercising four times a week (cite, Heart Math Institute). University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research found that older people who are helpful to others reduce their risk of dying by nearly 60% compared to peers who provide neither practical health nor emotional support to relatives, neighbors or friends. Using MRI scans, scientists have identified specific regions of the brain that are active during deeply and compassionate emotions. Neurochemicals also enter into the picture of what happens to tbe brain when we engage in altruistic actions. A recebt study has identified high levels of the hormone oxytocin in people who are very charitable toward others. When you are altruistic, lending a helping hand, your oxytocin level goes up, which helps to relieve stress. Additionally, such behavior also may trigger the brain's reward circuitry--the feel-good chemicals of dopamine and endorphins, are released.

So this is the month to put into practice the new ABCs--not only will it improve your relationships with others but it will likely improve your mental and physical health as well!

(This entry is excerpted from my monthly ezine: Envision Your Dreams. If you would like to subscribe, please visit my website.)

Little Help From Friends

Yesterday I along with some 8,000 folks participated in the annual Falmouth Road Race, a 7.1 mile course which winds it's way from Woods Hole to Falmouth, MA around a lighthouse, and along scenic views of Martha's Vineyard. The race started 35 years ago as a bet between a few friends as to who could run from one bar in Woods Hole to another bar in Falmouth in the fastest time. Those harriers probably had no idea that the bar bet race would one day turn into one of the largest road races in the country drawing the fastest world class runners to compete for the $10K winner's purse.

As I am not of the ranks of the fleetest feet in the world, I started with my friends Robin and Beth safely esconsed in the middle of the pack. Robin, Beth and I have been running together for summertime-only years. While pounding out the miles and dripping in sweat, we have shared, confided, and laughed about our lives. We are always up for a run together and this was the first time the three of us ran the road race together. It's thrilling to hear and feel the pre-race excitement in the air as we all waited for the horn blast signaling the beginning of the race. The first thing one hears after the blast is the sound of thousands of running shoes slapping the pavement, cheers and whoops from the spectators and the buzz of the chip timers as the runners cross the start line. It is truly an amazing sight to see: the back of bobbing heads of so many runners stretched out in toward the front the faces of even more runners behind.

My running buddies and I felt great at the start of the race. There are certain points on the course where we knew we would see friends and family members cheering us on. Just beyond mile 3, the course began to become more challenging. This stretch always surprises me since we run right next to the water and the view to Martha's Vineyard and Falmouth Heights is spectacular. What makes it so difficult is there is very little breeze and for the next mile and a half, no shade. Before we hit this stretch, Beth pulled ahead and Robin and I wished her well. She is the youngest of the three of us and she is also in the middle of training for her next marathon. From this point on, Robin and I traded supportive and encouraging comments to motivate each other to the finish line at mile 7. The going was tough, the humidity was intense, but we crossed the line together.

After a refreshing shower, Beth, Robin and her family and I and mine sat around for a few hours replaying the event and sharing with the others our experiences. Al, Robin's husband, recounted a man in a Sponge Bob costume...my husband described the Kenyan, Okari's, winning finish, outrunning the American by 20 seconds. Beth described her race while Robin and I were simply relieved to have it behind us.

The event and the afterevent reminded me of the importance of frienships: a good friend reminds you of what you can accomplish when you are doubting your ability. A good friend listens to your perspective and offers comment or opinion when asked. A good friend congratulates your achievement. I feel blessed to have such friends who are there when I need them and who know that I am there for them as well. Although it is sad to acknowledge that the days of summer are ending, signalling the time to say goodbye to my running buddies, I am so very thankful to have the time to share with them to grow our relationships.

Thought for the Day: What can you do this week to acknowledge or nurture a friendship? What can you do to let your friend know how much their presence in your life means to you.

"Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long, 'til I'm going to need somebody to lean on."
- "Lean On Me"

Climb Any Mountain

This weekend my family left the Cape and drove up to Vermont to visit my sister-in-law and her partner for a couple of days. They rented a house in a little town in Vermont and as soon as we made the plans to visit, I began to envision rolling green pasture lands picturesquely dotted with black and white cows, thick slices of Vermont cheddar cheese accompanying a crisp glass of pinot grigio and waking up to dive into pancakes smothered in Vermont maple syrup. The last time I was in Vermont was when my teenage daughter was a baby and my husband, my parents and I did a little New England sightseeing trip. I remember the charm of the pastureland, Ben and Jerry's ice cream in the afternoon and of course, plenty of cheddar cheese.

As we left the Cape my daughter offered her only request in return for leaving her friends, internet and cell phone access behind to participate in the family gathering--a Ben and Jerry's t-shirt. "Of course," I nodded--remembering from the last trip that there was no scarcity of the famed ice cream shop--no problem.

As we drew nearer to our destination, I was surprised to see no green pastures...no black and white cows...no cheese shops...no Ben and Jerry's. Our car began to climb up, up, up the side of a mountain. There were tall green trees, enormous boulders and a river running alongside our two-lane road. We pulled into the quaint little mountain town and noticed most of the shops displayed clearance signs for ski wear and other heavy duty outerwear--no Ben and Jerry's. Our car climbed higher up the mountain and then turned onto a dirt and gravel path which led even further up the mountain-side. My sister-in-law, Inez, had rented a ski cabin tucked into the hillside complete with a babbling brook in the back and relatively no neighbors. Once I recalibrated my expectations to the reality of the surroundings, I began to appreciate the wooded scenery and the sound of the wind in the trees and the water running over the rocks. We spent a low-key weekend walking in the woods, eating fantastic homemade New Mexican enchiladas, talking and laughing late into the night, and enjoying each other's company.

Yesterday before loading up the car for the return drive to MA, I took the dogs on a run to discharge some of their energy so they could snooze away on the long drive ahead. I am not accustomed to running in mountains and it seemed that no matter which direction I turned on the winding dirt path, I was faced with an uphill climb. Zeebo, my male Dane, loved the challenge of the incline and galloped up each rise in relative ease, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. Every once in a while he would gaze back at me, wheezing and shuffling behind, as if to say "Isn't this the best time ever?" My thigh muscles burned and my calves strained as we climbed the rising slope. The run took so much effort, both in terms of the steep incline but also due to the sliding gravel underfoot.

When the run was over and each of the dogs lay spent and panting on the wood floor in the lodge, I thought about how our run represented the challenge of living a fulfilling life. At different junctures in each of our lives, there will be hills--some of them quite steep and challenging and appearing insurountable. The choice is ours as to whether to do the uphill battle first and then enjoy the downhill slide later or take the easier way first and then gear up for the harder climb at the end. Basically there is no getting around the uphill portion--we all have to face it at some point; our choice in the matter is how we decide to tackle it. We can power up it in leaps and bounds; we can shuffle up with our heads down placing one foot in front of the other, not looking up til we reach the summit; or we can move upward at the pace that suits us best, soaking in the majestic view while gaining a new appreciation of our muscles and lungs working in tandem to help us in reaching our summit.

I have worked with clients who prefer to experience the ease and thrill of the downhill ride; they want to postpone the work of the uphill climb or somehow detour the steep trek altogether if at all possible. My challenge in working with such folks is to serve as a sherpa of sorts and help them create a map for the climb, breaking it down into manageable steps so as not to become ovrwhelmed and frightened with their own personal Mt. Everest of goals looming in front of them. Like the canine encouragement I received from Zeebo, I encourage and cheer on my clients as they tackle their own hills and mountains while on their way to reaching their dream destination.

Today as I write this entry and reflect on the challenge of the run yesterday, I feel proud of my accomplishment of running the mountain with my dogs. I am happy to have the experience to reflect on rather than choosing the easier route which would have involved plopping down into the carseat then nosing down the mountain without breaking a sweat. I am also thankful to have had my trusty and always exuberant running buddies alongside to make the challenge a bit more fun.

So, we didn't find a Ben and Jerry's (but my daughter settled for a Vermont sweatshirt instead); we saw only a few black and white cows; we didn't gorge on Vermont cheddar cheese but we did enjoy maple syrup one morning with homemade blueberry pancakes. We had a wonderful time with family and I got to experience the challenge of an up-hill adventure.

Thought for the Day: Have you been choosing the down-hill slope lately and avoiding the challenge of the uphill climb in your own life? What can you do to break the task down a bit into more manageable steps leading you to your desired goal?

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.
--Edward Abbey

Salad Days

Today was an awesome day and the first day my back felt pretty normal as I am now off pain meds. As you read from my last post, I wrenched my back pretty well by lifting a huge bag of dog kibble into the back of my car. Lesson: Lift with your legs and not your back. More importantly, forget about being independent and ask for help. Over the course of several days last week, my back went from bad to worse and by Thursday I was waiting awkwardly and in great discomfort in the ER of the town hospital. After six days of pain meds, I am now pretty much back to normal, although bending over to pick up beach glass is pretty much out of the question for a few more days. In any case, as I mentioned above, today was my first day out of the condo and once again enjoying the outdoors and the cool sea breeze.

Since I haven't been outside for over a week, I was struck by the number of new flowers that have bloomed since the last time I was outside. The area where we live in the summer is full of beautiful plants and flowers--most of them I never see in Texas. One year we tried to bring two beach rose plants to Texas as I was told the plants were so hardy they could grow anywhere; anywhere but San Antonio, that is. The poor things shriveled up and died within weeks of leaving the clime of the Commonwealth.

When we first arrived on the Cape in early June, the incredibly blue hydrangeas were just beginning to blossom and the dogwood trees were in full display. The beach roses were out as were the lilys near the pond. On today's walk I noticed the seven sisters roses on the fence were nearly finished with their bloom cycle, but the yucca plants were showing off their tall, fragile-looking blooms to fill the absence.
Later in the afternoon we went to the nearby organic farm, Coonamessett, where we picked fresh basil, tomatoes, blueberries and raspberries. We have been members of the independent farm for years and I always look forward to spending a couple of hours wandering the farm, visiting the requisite farm animals (llamas, goats, geese, ducks, chickens, miniature donkeys, Oscar the parrot, and a spurred desert tortoise named Peanut), and picking a few days' worth of veggies and fruits.

Last night, as I reflected on the day, I realized that one of the reasons I love coming here for the summer is that I am able to spend so much time out of doors and I truly experience the shifts in nature as the summer progresses. The flowers on my walk change on a near weekly basis as does the bounty on the farm. Each time I venture out the door, if I am truly conscious and open, I experience something new. I believe so much of our typical day to day existence is spent with our heads down, plowing through the day with maybe an hour, if we are really dedicated, spent out of doors and opening up to what nature offers us each day. After being cooped up indoors for a week last week made me even more cognizant of how much I cherish mother nature. Each day is a gift and should be ackowledged with gratitude and wonder.

Thought for the Day: Take an hour to walk or sit outside and open up your senses. How many different bird songs can you hear? What scents and sounds do you notice? Breathe deeply and take a moment to experience gratitude and open your mind up to your dreams.

In my garden there is a large place for sentiment. My garden of flowers is also my garden of thoughts and dreams. The thoughts grow as freely as the flowers, and the dreams are as beautiful. ~Abram L. Urban

Life in Horizontal

I am writing this entry laying horizontal with the computer in my lap, two snoozing danes sprawled alongside me, and a heating pad on my back. A few days ago I made the enthusiastic, but not so bright, decision to hoist the dogs' 32 lbs of dog kibble into the back of the car by myself. The repercussions of this act did not become evident immediately; it was the next day, following a cleaning frenzy of the condo that my back began to emit a droning, spastic outcry. Yesterday morning I felt some twinges, but I knew things were not boding well for my bod when after attempting to extricate myself from the beach chair at the end of the day, I realized I could not stand fully upright. On the way home from the beach, I hobbled into the nearerst pharmacy and stocked up on heat patches, pain reliever and invested in a new, lovely blue heating pad. I spent the night in the embrace of the big living room chair with the healing heat of the pad coaxing my muscles to relax and unspasm. I have spent today horizontal, to the tail-thumping delight of the dogs, Zeebo and Suki, since they have never experienced me sharing their prime napping hours alongside them.

Being knocked for a loop by an injury is always startling. If you recall last summer I suffered an elbow injury after being bowled over by love in a parking lot by my dane, Zeebo. In that post I wrote about how recovery from an injury offers one opportunities to celebrate little achievements and successes on the road back to health. Over the past couple of days I have been thinking about how this new injury has provided me with time to consider how I tend to push my body beyond its limits simply because my mind thinks a particular task is a good idea and like an unruly tyrant, overthrows good sense and takes charge. I have brought running injuries onto myself in the past because I did not want to listen to the signals my body tried to provide me about slowing down. A few years back I was so intent on training and completing the Honolulu Marathon that, while running the event I popped ibuprofen to manage the pain in my aching left achilles tendon. Upon return to TX and a visit to an orthopod, I left the doctor's office sporting a bright blue cast for the next three months while time healed my inflamed tendon. Fortunately following a year of taking it easy, I am back to running--no more marathons, but I am so grateful to be able to continue to indulge my passion for running that I gladly pass the marathon baton to another.

Earlier today I pondered over how difficult it is for me to accept that my body is aging and that I need to heed its messages. I have always been an athlete and a woman proud of my strength and independence. It is a sobering reality to accept aging and some of the physical difficulties that accompany the passing of years. Not that I am ready by any means to cancel my subscription to Runner's World or trade in my membership card to my gym for a motorized scooter, but what I am beginning to realize (albeit reluctantly) is that in order for me to continue to enjoy physical movement and activity for decades to come, I need to temper it and allow my body, not my head, to signal when I need not push myself so hard.

So today I make the commitment to acknowledge that my body is no longer as agile and strong as it was 20 years ago. I acknowledge that I love my body and wish to treat it with kindness and honor, rather than with abuse by rushing headlong into physical feats, with no thought to the potential aftermath. Today I will begin to ask for assistance and help when needed rather than allowing my pride to lead me down this particular path of pain. Here's to hoping that tomorrow I will stand a bit straighter and I will be a bit smarter as I age one more day.

Thought for the Day: What can you do today to honor your body and treat it with the respect it deserves?

“Aging is not 'lost youth' but a new stage of opportunity and strength.”
--Betty Friedan

Gems from the Sea
I am finally settled into the peace and quiet of our little place on the Cape. The family and guests have come and gone and hosting the 4th of July BBQ for my husband's students last night went without a hitch. I am looking forward to some leisurely strolls on the sandy beaches close to home in search of whatever gifts the sea offers up to me today. One of my most favorite things to do when I am near a shore is to hunt for pieces of beach glass. Upon return from a hunt, I deposit my little jewels into a clear glass lamp which, I hope, will someday be filled with pieces of beautiful, polished glass.

I find it amazing that what one considers garbage at one point in time can become something one seeks out and treasures at another point. Broken bits of beer bottles and pottery become treasures after spending months being tumbled, smoothed and polished in the surf and sand. Sometimes the glass pieces are large and obvious, washed upon the sandy plain, while at other times, I must concentrate and focus on small areas of sand in order find a shard of blue or green glass.

The search for the colored chips is a bit like life itself. It is easy to go through the day oblivious of beauty and specialness present in our lives. It is only when we slow down and turn our attention to what and whom we are surrounded by that we can be appreciative for what we have. What at first glance seems to be void of any surprises or beauty, upon closer inspection holds a treasure trove of wonderful things. Each day I walk on the beach, I look for my gift of the day: a piece of light green glass shaped like a bird, a whelk shell, a seagull feather, a small starfish or an interesting piece of driftwood. With each deep breath of salty air, I feel cleansed, renewed and invigorated and I give thanks for the opportunity to be surrounded in such beauty each summer.

Thought for the Day: Today slow down and take a closer look at the beauty that surrounds you. What can you consider your gift of the day?

The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. To dig for treasures shows not only impatience and greed, but lack of faith. Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach -- waiting for a gift from the sea.
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh

On The Road (Again)

It's the time of year when my family and I pack up, load the dogs and luggage then point the car in the general direction of the east coast for our annual summer pilgrimmage to Cape Cod. The past few weeks have been filled with last minute appointments, repairs, shopping and other forms of bustle. And yesterday, after one false start (i.e., making it partway down the street before remembering something back at the house), we finally began the trek in earnest yesterday afternoon.

We have been making this drive from TX to MA for about 10 years ever since we ralized we couldn't fly our dogs out for the summer. Correction: We could fly them out to MA, but they wouldn't be able to return to TX til sometime in the Fall due to the heat restrictions for pets in the baggage compartment of the plane. And although the danes are large enough to have a seat booked for each of them in Coach with the human passengers, that idea was pretty much out of the question. So this is how we ended up driving cross country with our little zoo.

Each year offers a different adventure, although with two dogs in tow we are limited in the kinds of side trips we can make. Some years we stop and visit friends and relatives on the way, while other years we experiment with different routes. One year we surprised our daughter by taking a side route while she was asleep in the back--she woke up in amazed awe to the sound and spray of Niagara Falls. Yesterday I missed the connection to Highway 30 and ended up driving a bit more south than I intended. I switched over to US 69 and we enjoyed a beautiful, hilly drive among the piney woods while we ambled back to the desired route.

Keeping an open mind on a road trip is key to enjoyment. Rolling with the statement "It is what it is" is also key. This little mantra was put into play frequently yesterday. It actually began a few days ago when our female Dane went into her first heat. Now just imagine: A 130 lb. great dane wearing ridiculous denim panties with red kerchief trim (the Texas touch) in the back of a Toyota Highlander. In the center seat imagine the 150 lb. male Dane counterpart and a 15 year old teenager. Both teen and dog are engaged in battle over who is taking over the most space on the seat. Teen complains that both dogs are breathing on her...male dog is sullenly complaining by his longing gaze that teen has the best window seat while the female dog in the back is feverishly trying to extricate herself from the denim panties. An hour into the ride, the air conditioner begins to wax and wane and it's 93 degrees outside. All members of the car find ways to alleviate their body heat: The humans begin to sweat and the dogs begin to pant. After a few hours we find ourselves in Italy (Texas) and burst out of the car and into the relatively cool breeze of the early evening. Each and every one of us are grateful to be outside in the breeze enjoying a cold and refreshing treat purchased from the convenience store. After a bit of break and a splash of cold water on our faces and muzzles, we get back in the car, ready to face a few more hours on the road. The air conditioner seems to appreciate the break as well as it feels as though it is offering a bit of a cool air.

So why do I offer you this slice of my life? So you can thank your lucky stars not to be sharing a seat with the teen and dog? That may be, but what I thought about this morning while I ran the streets near the motel was that it is important to roll with things...to be resilient and not wedded to a particular outcome. I wrote about the necessity of resilience and openness in my previous blog about the Tri that almost was. Perhaps this is my particular lesson I am to focus on over the next few weeks--to accept things for what they are and to find pleasure and enjoyment in some aspect of the experience. Everything is a gift and it is our choice how we receive it. The gift can either be received with gratitude and grace or with irritability and resentment. I aim for gratitude and grace, even if I am sweating at the time.
As we get ready to pile back into the car today, my goal is to find the humor in a not-so-perfect situation and enjoy the ride.

Thought for the Day: Can you change your attitude about a not-so-perfect situation in order to shift yourself into a positive frame of mind?

It's been a slow turnin'
From the inside out
A slow turnin'
But you come about

Slow learnin'
But you learn to sway
A slow turnin' baby
Not fade away
--John Hiatt (Slow Turnin')

Giving It A Tri

For the past four months I have been running, biking, and swimming in sweat to prepare for the Capital of Texas Triathlon in Austin this past Memorial Day since I made the commitment to join the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training to raise money and awareness for the cure of these blood cancers. My mom died nine years ago after a valiant fight against non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I felt my participation in this event was a way to honor her memory and work toward a cure for this devastating form of cancer. So in January I, along with my stepdaughter, signed my name to the dotted line and began to count the miles and dollars toward our improved health and fundraising goals.

Over the past months and weeks our Team in Training logged hundreds of miles on our bikes, swam thousands of laps in the pool, braved the murky and cold waters of Boerne Lake, pounded out laps around the track and miles on the dusty trails in McAllister Park at the benevolent, but tough call, of our coach Marion in order to be as prepared as we could be come the 7 am blast of the starting horn on the shores of Town Lake in Austin on Monday, May 28. Over the weeks we have learned about how to best fuel our bodies for the mile swim, 26 mile bike and 10K run. We learned how to stretch our muscles and replenish our protein stores following sweaty workouts. We were schooled in how to prepare our "transition area"--where one quickly (or not-so-quickly) wriggles out of a wetsuit, slips on a helmet and bike shoes to speed off to the bike course, then locate the same transition area after the bike route, change into running shoes (and remember to remove the bike helmet) before wobbling out onto the run course. We strengthened and toned our bodies to best respond to the physical and mental challenges. By Friday, May 26 we were as ready and lean a tri machine as we were ever gonna be!

On Sunday my stepdaughter and I began the hour long drive to Austin from San Antonio noting that the days-long rain finally abated. On the 60 mile drive, we grumbled, groaned, worried and smiled in anxious anticipation of what lay ahead of us the next morning. Two thousand triathletes descended on the shores of Town Lake that day, checking in to their hotel rooms and picking up their goodie bags. We attended a pasta dinner held for all Team in Training participants on Sunday evening, and I wondered at the 300 people who made the commitment of time and energy to raise money to find a cure for blood cancer. There were tables of folks from all over the country: from New York to Georgia to Texas. All in all, the San Antonio chapter raised $100,000 in the past four months and nationally, Team in Training raised $1M for the cure!

After a day's worth of pre-event gatherings, we fell into bed at 10 pm and counted down the hours til the alarm sounded at 5:40 am. I had a great night's sleep (thanks to a Tylenol PM) while my stepdaughter tossed and turned in nervous anticipation of her first triathlon. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, the morning alarm buzzed and it was time to get up--the Big Day had arrived! I turned on the news to check out the weather report for the day and was shocked to see the weathermap showing Austin being engulfed by a green blob. I looked outside and witnessed the rain coming down in dark sheets. Soon we received a call that the triathlon was postponed and we were to meet in the lobby of the hotel for further instruction. Sheepishly, my stepdaughter and I smiled at each other, guiltily acknowledging that our anxious and tepid prayers for rain the day before had been answered. We gathered with the other Team members and were informed that due to the dangerous conditions and flooding, the swim portion had been cancelled. An hour later we were all told that the triathlon had been cancelled due to the manic, Texas-style, activity of Mother Nature.

Here it is Wednesday and I am still trying to name my feelings following word of the cancellation of the event. What I am experiencing must be a bit like what a bride feels after being left at the altar: the invitations were sent out, the flowers were ordered, the guests arrived, all the while the skittish groom headed for the hills. Later in the day, as I drove back to San Antonio in the beautiful bright sunshine, I began to try to make sense of what occurred. I thought about how, just like cancer, one never can be sure of the outcome. I thought about my mom's diagnosis and how, although she had never been a smoker, a tumor formed in her throat. I thought about how she followed medical advice and began radiation to shrink her tumor. I thought about how later she had to make the choice to begin chemotherapy, which frightened her terribly, because the cancer did not abate with the radiation. I remembered how I began to read about cancer-fighting and immune-boosting foods and I shared my knowledge with her and my dad. I remember praying with all my might that she would survive. I recalled her positive outlook and assurance to me that she would survive. Even though she followed the rules and did what she was supposed to, cancer ultimately claimed her life on May 18, 1998. No matter what I did, I could not change the outcome. It was the first time in my life that I experienced total and complete helplessness with regard to being able to change something.

I thought about how we, the Team in Training members, showed up at the workouts, pushed our bodies to build new muscle and endurance, changed our eating habits, and found our voices to ask others to support our mission through a donation. Despite all of the best laid plans and following the workouts to a T, the outcome was not what we planned. The experience provided me yet another lesson in letting go and how to not wed myself to a particular ending. There is a lesson in everything and my mom's death from cancer lead me, years later, to think about what I could do as an individual to make a difference for others. If my mom had not been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, it is likely that I would not have thought twice about campaigning for such a cause. Nine years later, after surfacing from my immersion in grief, I raised $3000 to help find the cure to the cancer that claimed my mother's life and I shared an experience with my stepdaughter that we will remember all of our lives.

Although we cannot always control the outcome, we can do what we can to move forward as if we could count on a predictable future. Prior to Monday's rainout, I envisioned a sweaty victory salute to my mom as I crossed the finish line, instead today as I write this, I feel my mom's smile over my shoulder as she helps me to realize that there is even greater victory in letting go and allowing new awareness and possibility to emerge.

Thought for the Day: Is there something in your own life you need to let go of in order to reap the benefits of new awareness and possibility?

Why do I tri?
I tri for health,
for a cure,
for awareness
and to set an example.

I tri to make a difference.

I tri for children
and for adults.
None are immune from disease.

I tri for myself,
to help me remember
it's not too late
and I'm not too old.

To tri and make a difference.
--Kevin Baumann--Team in Training Mentor

Mother's Day Revisited

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all you moms, grandmas, stepmoms, soon-to-be moms, and someday moms! This year's Mother's Day was to be an unusual one as our family planned to spend the weekend celebrating my nephew's wedding in NM. The day before we were to leave one of our Danes became suddenly ill with fever. I teased my husband that Zeebo, the dog, suddenly grasped the meaning of "Rob Carey" (the kennel) and decided that he wanted no part of that experience--similar to when our daughter feigns illness to get out of a geography test. After a visit to the vet on Thursday with a fevered dog, and armed with a handful of antibiotics and a new dog-only thermometer, I settled in on the couch for a long weekend of catching up on reruns of Oprah and chick-flicks while the rest of the clan headed to Albuquerque to enjoy the wedding.

It was a strange weekend alone with the dogs. As usual I spent time reflecting on my Mom (who passed away nine years ago) and I reminisced about a few of my fondest Mother's Day experiences with her and my Dad. I thought about my own experience of becoming a Mom: first to my now-adult stepkids and later, to my own birth-daughter. While running in the park yesterday my mind hit the rewind button and 20 years of learning-to-be-a-Mom experiences danced in my mind: giving up the battle over whether eggplant belonged on pizza; learning how to wash boys' T-shirts so they wouldn't shrink; juggling doctor and orthodontist appointments along with graduate school studies; purchasing tutus and pink tights for ballet class; kissing bumps and bruises "all better" and making my lap and ears available whenever needed.

As I ran past young families I smiled and said "Happy Mother's Day" to women walking or riding bikes with their kids. Without my own family with me yesterday I felt a bit like George in "It's A Wonderful Life" when Clarence, the angel, provided him a glimpse of what his life would have been like without his family. I thought about all the experiences I have been witness to and ways I have been stretched to become the woman I am today through the evolutionary process of becoming a Mom. I tried to imagine life without my kids ever being a part of me and I struggled to hold onto the thought.

- Yes, there were times when I was tired and grumpy from lack of sleep when my daughter was young.

- Absolutely, there are times I felt that I wanted nothing more than to be alone without the noise and shouts of kids.

- Yes, I still dislike grocery shopping, particularly when everyone is in town and I need two shopping carts just to get through the weekend.

- Yes, I would rather not battle with a teenager about the importance of picking up one's room ever again.

But no, if the only way to cancel out the statements above were to not become a Mom at all, then I would decline in a heartbeat. My Mother's Day weekend with the dogs allowed me space to contemplate and tap into the gratitude I feel about being part of a family unit who calls me Mom. As I ran, two decades of memories filtered through my mind as I worked my way through the trees on the trail. I recalled giving my youngest stepson a piggy-back ride in a park in Berkeley--I saw his beaming smile as I lifted him up into the air. In my mind's eye I stroked the 13 year old seasick brow of my oldest stepson as he rested in my lap on our return from a day of fishing on the Bay with my Dad. I recalled comforting my then teenage stepdaughter on a summer night after her first experience of heartbreak. I felt the ghost-memory of the lank weight of my sleepy toddler as I lifted her out of her carseat and felt her warm breath moisten my neck. I thought about the lessons my kids have provided me on acceptance of myself and how to love others. I think about how my kids have encouraged me and pushed me to become a better individual and positive role model for what it means to be a woman and mother in today's society. When I returned home, sweaty and fatigued from my run, a flower arrangement had been delivered to the doorstep. I smiled as I opened the card which read simply: "Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Love, your kids." Simply put, it was one of the best gifts yet.

I hope your day was spent, if not in the company of your children, then at least in the company of appreicative memories for how they have touched your life and helped you to evolve into the woman you are today.

Thought for the Day: Reflect on the woman or women who have played a mother figure in your life, offering guidance, support and encouragement. Take a moment to send an email, make a phone call or send a silent thought of thanks for how she influenced your life. Reflect on how you have evolved into the person who are today because of her influence and think upon how you have influenced a child to become his or her best.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new."
--Rajneesh

Breathing Room

"I need breathing room"..."I felt suffocated"..."I am finally coming up for air"..."I just need to catch my breath"..."I need to catch my second wind." These are just a few of the statements I hear from my clients as they speak about their feelings of overwhelm or stress with regard to the happenings in their personal or professional lives. Perhaps you have thought or uttered the same statements recently as you juggled the responsibilities of your family, job and personal needs. Some days are definitely better than others when referring to breathing room and more often than not, you may find yourself gasping for air like my daughter's goldfish who, for reasons that remain unclear, decided to test out the environment outside of his bowl (the jury is still out on whether the little guy was attempting suicide due to boredom or a dirty bowl).

"Breathing room is a metaphor for something we all could use more of: some space in our lives--space to catch up with ourselves, to regroup, to metabolize whatever we've been going through so we can know how we feel and what to do next," writes MJ Ryan in this month's "Health" magazine. Pausing for breath is more than a metaphor. When we enter a state of stress or anxiety, we tend to breathe shallowly. Rather than taking deep belly breaths, we revert to shallow "panting" in our chest. When we breathe shallowly, our bodies and minds remain in a state of vigilance: waiting and preparing to react to danger. Think about the last time you watched a nature program on tv where a predator stalked it's victim. The potential victim, say, an antelope, senses the lurking presence of the lioness. The antelope became hypervigilant, her nose quivered and her breathing became more rapid as she prepared to flee at the first sign of attack by the lioness. When we humans are in that fight or flight mode, we can hang in there, panting our little breaths, for a period of time, but chronic stress begins to take its toll on our immune system and other functions after a while.

One of the easiest ways to consciously kick ourselves out of the fight or flight mode is to breathe slowly and deeply. When we inhale deeply we tell our mind and body that its OK to calm down. More oxygen gets into your lungs and brain, which signals your heart rate to slow and your muscles to release tension. When you turn your attention to your breath, you come back into the here and now. "Breathing helps create the ability to face challenges with persistence, calmness, patience and acceptance" writes Ryan. Taking a deep breath allows you time to cultivate the 3 Rs in stress management: regroup, rethink and respond calmly rather than act out in an explosive manner.

Here's a breathing exercise from Andrew Weil, MD (as presented in the May issue of Health magazine for you to try out this week:

Sit with your back straight.
Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge just behind your front teeth.
Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.
Inhale quietly through your nose with your mouth while counting to 4.
Hold your breath for a count of 7.
Exhale completely through your mouth, this time whooshing to a count of 8.
Inhale again and repeat the exercise 3 times for a total of 4 breaths.

If you have trouble holding your breath, speed up but stick to the 4-7-8 count. Practice twice a day but don't do more than four breaths at a time for the first month. Later you can work up to eight breaths. You may experience a bit of light-headedness, but this will pass.

Once you make a conscious choice to allow yourself some breathing space several times a day as mini-crises arise in the course of your day, you will find yourself responding with new perspective to the things that used to set you off. You will find yourself breathing freely rather than gasping for air by the end of the day.

Thought for the Day: Try taking several deep, slow breath next time you feel your buttons being pushed. Recenter yourself in the here and now and employ the 3 Rs: Regroup, rethink and respond calmly. For added relaxation, click on the first youtube box link at the bottom of the page. Sit back and enjoy the breathing meditation.

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
--Anna Nalick (lyrics to "Breathe")