Welcome to Envision Your Dreams blog! First, please accept my apology for my absence--the summer zoomed past like a rocket and now, seemingly suddenly, Chicago weather lets me know that Winter is fast approaching. So what have I been doing lately? My husband continues to meet the challenge to transform into the bionic man; he underwent surgery in May to receive a shiny new knee. Just over a month later we loaded up the car and made our annual summer trek to the east coast. We visited our daughter in Brooklyn, where she was doing an internship, and in July celebrated the joyful marriage of my sister-in-law to her long-time partner. In August family gathered to celebrate my husband's birthday and new knee. A few weeks later it was time to load up the car and return to Chicago. Never one to let too much time pass between learning something that I can pass on to my clients, I began coursework in Wellness Coaching in September and by Spring I will have completed the coursework and coaching hours for certification. If you are a client or if you have been a reader of this blog for a while, then you recognize how strongly I believe in the powerful connection between our physical and mental health. Wellness Coaching allows me another avenue to pursue in order help my clients achieve greater health and balance in their lives. The great news for you is I have learned some interesting and exciting things about self care, stress management, nutrition and relaxation that I will share with you over the coming months. So, get settled into a comfy seat, take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and enjoy the read. As always, feel free to pass this information on to someone you think might benefit.
Notice, Be Open and Versatile
In North America we are speeding toward the busiest season--Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Year's Day--and I know this information comes as no surprise to you. The thought of getting through the coming weeks and months may fill you with anticipation and excitement or cause you to want to burrow down, pull the blankets up over your head and wish you could emerge on the other side of all the festivities like the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, this Spring. Some people are extremists and really thrive in the hustle and bustle of the season--I've known women and men who transform their home into a holiday display center, baking dozens of homemade cookies while simmering mulled cider on the stove and knitting their family scarves and stockings in the downtime between caroling and creating their own one-of-a kind greeting cards.
I am more of a moderate when it comes to holiday hoopla, although I admit it has been an evolutionary process. When my daughter and stepkids were young, I longed to replicate the Norman Rockwell scenes of holiday gatherings and soaked up holiday how-tos a la Martha Stewart. The day after Thanksgiving, the six of us would pile into the minivan, sing along to carols on the tape player and excitedly drive to the local tree farm. Once there we would race around the lot to claim the best tree. We voted on, then cut down, the tallest pine tree we could find. Every year it seemed the excitement of the new tree began to wane during the window of time in which my husband sweated and wrestled the tree into the stand. Next the scavenger hunt to find the box that held the Medusa-like knot of lights would commence. Untangling and checking the strands for burnt out bulbs, then getting the strings of lights on the tree without (1) knocking the tree over or (2) blowing a fuse when plugging the final strand into the wall outlet were always key goals. Sticky with sap and itchy from prickly pine needles, I would wrangle the kids into helping us hang strands of popcorn, cranberries, ornaments and candy canes on the tree. This blissful family-friendly time would last oh, about 15 minutes, until the kids were overcome with listless boredom and slink off one by one to the siren call of their room or telephone. Sensing desertion, my husband would take shelter by becoming engrossed and utterly enthralled with an old western flick on TV and I would find myself alone with my new BFT (best-friend tree).
A few hours later, with my bough-bedecked buddy festooned, the next tasks were ready to be tackled: lights hung outside, cookies and breads baked, nutcrackers, snow globes and Santas scattered throughout the house and a miniature village, complete with an ice rink and skaters, constructed on mounds of fluffy cotton snow erected. Days later with the house complete, my sights would shift to the hunting and gathering of gifts. Once found, the gifts would be wrapped and the stockings stuffed and hung. It was a nutty time and even now I can feel my stomach tightening as I reflect upon those years. By the time Christmas Eve came, rather than brimming with holiday cheer and goodwill I often tearfully simmered with irritability and exhaustion. It took me a while to take an honest look at why I was inviting so much stress into my life. After some thought, I realized that a great deal of my motivation had to do with wanting to please my loved ones through my over-the-top holiday preparation and actions. Being a new stepmom and even newer mom, I wanted my kids and husband to see me as the "BEST". I erroneously considered my actions equal to my worth--if I swirled around fast enough and with enough Christmas gusto to challenge any elf, then my family would love and appreciate me. I lost sight of the joy of doing something for someone simply because I wanted to and instead, internalized a false sense of expectation. The end result was that I choked with hurtful feelings of being unappreciated and put upon. It took me a while to recognize this and then to consciously create the type of holiday experience that makes me feel energized, happy and content. Today our holiday gatherings are much more intimate and free--the focus is on connection and appreciation. With my grown family spread all over the US, when we gather we pass the time playing games, cooking, exercising, snuggling in front of the fire and laughing as often and as deeply as possible. I make conscious choices about what is important and I make conscious decisions to let go of the holiday fantasy. Below I share with you the tips I learned and now implement. My hope is that you, too, will to slow down, choose, breathe, and be open in order to savor and enjoy the coming weeks.
Notice: What I mean here is simply notice and become conscious of how you feel as the month progresses. Pay attention to your body--throughout your day make a mental scan of where you may feel stress in your body. Are you experiencing more headaches? Do your shoulders feel tight? Do you feel rested when you awake in the morning? Is your stomach upset? Are you forgetful or experiencing clumsiness? Oftentimes such feelings and behaviors stem from the fact that we are not in tune with how stress affects us. Our body bears the burden of our stress-filled thoughts. When we feel taxed or frazzled, we begin to put tension on our musculature and seemingly out of nowhere, we experience pain. It takes some practice, but what I suggest is that every hour or so, take a few moments to stop, take a few deep breaths, and notice your surroundings. Maybe step outside and feel the air on your face. Look out your window and watch the clouds pass overhead. Close your eyes and focus your attention on the in and out rhythm of your breath. Close your eyes and listen to the noises nearby, then shift your attention to notice the noises in the distance. By taking a few moments to notice...to reground yourself in the present...you provide yourself with an opportunity to release some of the tension your body may be holding onto and you refocus your attention to this moment, right now. Often when we become clumsy, running into doorways, tripping or dropping things, our thoughts are leaps and bounds ahead of where our bodies are in the present moment. Taking time to notice and be mindful of what your body is doing in your current space will help you to slow down and feel more connected and calm.
Be Open: By mindfully noticing your surroundings and your thoughts, you open yourself up to noticing opportunities for connection throughout your day. If you notice that your body feels relaxed when you walk around your neighborhood, you may wish to engage in that behavior more frequently. If you notice that your stomach becomes tense when your coworker begins to gossip, you may choose to redirect the conversation or gently let him know you are trying not to engage in the negative behavior. As your awareness becomes more attuned to what feels good and right for you (and also what does not) you will begin to feel better and your thoughts will be lighter. You may begin to make connection with others in your vicinity. Perhaps you may notice and make eye contact with another as you pass on the sidewalk. You may smile at your bank teller as you finish your business today. You may notice and smile in response to the the giggle of children at play in your local park. When you cultivate openness, you also cultivate positivity in your life. What is positivity? UNC Chapel Hill Professor and Social Psychologist, Barbara Fredrickson, writes that positivity is when positive emotions--like love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, and inspiration--reign. So the lesson here is when you become open you are better able to see opportunity for and experience connection with others. When you feel more connected with others, you experience greater happiness, compassion, gratitude and joy in your life.
Be Versatile: By versatile I am not referring to an article of clothing that can be transformed into a skirt, dress or cape in a few swift moves. Instead what I refer to is the capacity for you to be versatile and optimistic. When we experience a stressor or a series of stressful situations, many possess the tendency to become curmudgeon-like and emotionally brittle. We hunker down in terms of our emotions: we close off and shore up walls to distance ourselves from what is painful or stressful. We mull over and lick at the painful spot in our heart or gut. Although it seems counterintuitive, what we need to do in these situations is "lean in" to what is causing us discomfort or presenting us with a challenge. When we become curious about such situations, we become more attentive to what is needed to resolve the problem. When we are open and engaged, we become much better problem-solvers. When you implement Noticing and Openness in your day-to-day experience, you will automatically become more resilient and optimistic. As an example, perhaps over the course of the coming weeks, you may find yourself overextended. Instead of shutting down and taking refuge in feelings of overwhelm or lashing out at someone in anger, lean in to your feelings, sit with your thoughts and consider what you might do to implement small changes so that you feel more empowered. Try to gain insight as to how the situation occurred. What were your drives? How can you make more conscious choices about your time? Maybe you can't walk away from your commitments or obligations, but there may be little things you can do for yourself to help you recharge and provide you with a greater sense of mastery. Dr. Fredrickson's research has shown that people who are mindful, open and optimistic, experience greater resilience in the face of stressful situations. It's not that people who are optimistic are immune from experiencing pain, such as loss, grief, or other challenges; it's that those who have cultivated optimism bounce back from such stressors more quickly and stronger than others. Through her research in the area of positive psychology, Fredrickson introduces her "broaden-and-build theory", which means positive thinking opens our minds. Positive thinkers literally see more of the world around them and are more likely to find innovative solutions to problems. Through her process called the "upward spiral", Fredrickson shows how one can bounce back from setbacks, connect with others, and become the best version of themselves.
Wishing you all the very best as we approach the holiday season. May you embrace the weeks ahead with optimism, openness and resilience and thus experience greater happiness, compassion, gratitude and joy.
________________________________________________
"There is a way of breathing that's a shame and a suffocation.
And there's another way of expiring, a love breath, that lets you open infinitely."
--Rumi
