More Being and Less Doing in 2014

More Being and Less Doing in 2014


I am a champion list maker. Need food? Create a grocery list. Trying to eat healthy? Make a weekly menu. Going on a trip? Jot down a packing list. Have a bunch of things to accomplish? Make a To Do list for the day. I have found that making lists simplifies my life, keeps me from forgetting things and helps me be more efficient with my time. I believe in the organizational benefits of writing things down; when I write things down I am less forgetful and I don't find myself in the middle of the canned goods aisle wracking my brain to remember why I entered the store in the first place. When I enter appointments in my calendar I am less likely to miss a fun class at the gym or a lunch date with a friend. Most of the time when I am able to cross things off my lists I experience pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. There have been times, however, when my list appears long and overwhelming and instead of relief, I feel burdened and disheartened by the prospect of getting through it all. Perhaps you too have experienced crossing over that fine line between accomplishment and defeat when it comes to getting things done. The start of a New Year often cues people to begin a list of resolutions or things they would like to accomplish before the year's end. Your list might include losing a few pounds, joining (and going to) the gym, spending less and saving more. Most people have the best of intentions when they create To Do life lists. This writing is not going to be a short course on how to get organized and create the ultimate to do list, rather I invite you to create less To Do and more To Be in 2014.

Attending to the To Do list is all good, but at the extreme, we may get so caught up in the process of ticking things off the list, primed to tackle the next item that we lose sight of the bigger picture--this moment right now. We all live with the demands of modern life: Many people work long hours and take less time for vacation. With our days overbooked we can remain attached to our smart devices long into the night. TVs and computers add to the visual and cognitive overload with the press of a button. Our thoughts are continuously bombarded with information, choices and decision-making scenarios. As a result, we may feel out of balance, constantly racing to catch up and in a state of reactivity to the demands in our lives. For many people a buzz of anxiety hums just below the surface in their day-to-day existence. When we are caught up in our lists or phones or computers or heads, we miss out on experiencing the zone of enjoyment, connection and bliss. Many people feel that it is impossible to live a balanced life, that is, creating a satisfied life while pursuing a career while juggling the demands of a relationship or family. In my work with my clients, I help them to identify some of the internal dialogues or barriers which keep them from creating a more balanced and present life. Here's the short list of some of the common themes folks experience which keeps them on the To Do treadmill.

Self Worth: Since we were children, much of our self-worth has been linked to our accomplishments. We were praised for our achievements on the soccer field or in the classroom. As adults we often introduce ourselves by what we do. This can lead to a sense of feeling valued for what we do not who we are. When we measure our own sense of value by what we've acquired, it is easy to remain spinning on the wheel to work longer, harder and faster to accumulate as much as we can.

Inner Gremlin: So many of my clients experience a relentless inner critic. This is the voice which chides and berates you for not doing or accomplishing what you "could" or "should." Each of us has an internalized set of beliefs (that may have come from our parents) about duty, responsibility, expectation, and productivity. When the Inner Gremlin has the mike, chances are you feel driven, demoralized and discouraged. When you are able to recognize the voice of the Gremlin and make a conscious choice to silence the inner critic and instead offer yourself compassion and kindness, you will experience more joy in your life.

Going Unconscious: Many people don't realize that they are operating in an unconscious state for the majority of their day. How many times have you been caught up in your thoughts while driving that you've missed your exit off the freeway? Does your child or partner frequently ask you "Were you listening to me just now?" Ever consumed a bag of cookies or chips while sitting in front of the TV and not realized what you were doing until you rattled the empty bag? When we become unconscious, we lose track of the here and now. When we lose track of the priority of being present, just noticing and experiencing the moment, we sink back into the slog of unconsciousness.

Monkey Mind: This is a Buddhist concept and refers to the inner chatter we have regarding concern about the future (anxiety) and rumination about the past (depression). When we are caught in up "Doing" we are in the midst of monkey mind--concerned about the struggle of achievement, anticipation or loss. It's pretty much impossible to banish monkey mind completely, but spending some time each day in quiet meditation--calming your mind by focusing on your breath or a simple mantra--will train your brain to manage your thoughts. Over time your thoughts will become more peaceful and quiet.

So once you've identified your set of internal barriers, how do you spend more time in Being? We are always in a state of doing--our minds process and our bodies move. Clearly the answer is not about shutting off the Doing, which is impossible, but rather becoming conscious of how we relate to our activities. Are we attached to our actions or can we step outside our thoughts and just observe and notice? Rodney Yee, coauthor of Yoga: The Poetry of the Body and yoga instructor notes "You can learn to be and do at the same time. If you're flowing down a river, you're just being, yet you're moving downstream. The present moment is like that. If you concentrate your attention in the moment, you're totally present, yet it's not stagnant or fixed. The stillness is the state of mind that observes the movement." When we are in this state of stillness we are free of the concerns of the past and the worries about the future. Another cue for yourself as to when you are in a state of Being is identifying when do you feel most alive. For some people it is when they are engaged in yoga, really connecting their bodies with breath. For others, it is when they walk or run in nature. Some people feel connected to being when playing with their children or grandchildren. For many people they feel alive when they engage in meditation. Whatever the activity, you enter the zone of "Being" when you feel open, relaxed, and engaged. You experience a sense of enjoyment, fulfillment and alignment. You are in the moment and you feel present and authentic. When you are in this space, it is likely you feel relaxed and content. There is no tension in your body or face. Your breathing is easy and free.

In this new year, I invite you to become aware of when you have allowed yourself to enter any of the Doing treadmill states listed above. When you recognize you've been hooked, gently bring your attention to your breath and truly notice the activity you are engaged in. For example, if you are washing the dishes, really notice the sensation of the warm water on your hands, the heaviness of the pan, the fluff of the bubbles and silently tell yourself "just washing," Try to maintain your focus on the act rather than allowing your thoughts to zoom ahead to the next project. Or as you read this, feel yourself in your chair, notice your feet in your shoes planted on the floor, your legs and back against the cushions. Notice your breath and the way you hold your shoulders. Bring your awareness to the moment. In becoming more engaged with your daily experience you will notice more and as a result you will experience more gratitude and joy in your life. When we allow ourselves to slow down and reconnect with ourselves and others, we experience deeper contentment and happiness. With less focus on Doing this year, I wish you a consciously engaged, abundant, healthy and joyful 2014.

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention.
This is how we cultivate mindfulness.
Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

When Grief Hitches A Ride On Santa's Sleigh

When Grief Hitches A Ride On Santa's Sleigh


For lots of folks, this time of year represents excitement, joy and celebration. The scent of pine in the air wafting from the tree lots, the twinkling lights and piped in holiday music heightens our senses and provides us cues as to what we should be feeling at this time of year. There is a great deal of media and social pressure to be jolly and filled with holiday spirit. For some people, however, the holidays are filled with anxiety and sadness, particularly for those who have experienced separations or endings within the past year. The emotions associated with termination of a relationship, loss of employment, or separation from or loss of loved ones hits particularly hard at this time of year. Unfortunate as it is, grief eventually becomes intertwined with the holidays for all of us as we age and develop bonds and relationships with others. Some losses are obvious (for example, death or divorce) while others are not so obvious (for example, the loss of a pet, a child leaving the nest, a medical crisis or an adult child's divorce). As these losses accumulate, some natural reactions are to experience anxiety, sadness, regret, irritability or anger, and for some, clinical depression. For many people, one loss in the here and now (for example, a child not coming home for the holidays or being let go on a job) may stir up memories of losses in the past (for example, a parent's death or the loss of a relationship). If you have lost a loved one in 2013, this first holiday season without him or her may be extremely distressing. Holidays, which are traditional times to gather with family and friends, can be a painful reminder that your loved one is no longer with you.

Rather than pull the covers over your head or take solace in the contents of the fridge or a bottle, there are healthier and more adaptive ways to manage one's feelings of grief and loss which I offer to you below. 
If you or your family experienced any kind of loss this year, it is important to talk about it. Acknowledge your loss and share your feelings with others. Now is not the time to deny or avoid one's feelings. Reach out to others for support and a shoulder to cry on. It is especially important that you communicate with your friends and loved ones about what you need at this time and let them know how they can be supportive of you.

Talk about how things will be different this season and brainstorm ways you can adjust the holiday celebrations or traditions. Life brings changes and each year will provide you with opportunity to adapt. Try to be present in the here and now to minimize the time you spend lost in the loss. Perhaps you can start a new tradition such as lighting a candle in memory of your loved one or hang a stocking on the fireplace that others can fill with notes or anecdotes about that person.

Cut yourself some slack and be realistic about what you can and cannot do this season. If this has been a particularly difficult year for you, make conscious choices about the activities you want to engage in this month. Be aware of your emotional limits and engage in the activities that will make you feel better and not increase your stress reactions. I've read that some people plan an exit strategy ahead of time (for example driving their own car to a gathering or event) so that if they feel fatigued or overwhelmed, they will be able to leave the situation on their own time.
Recharge your batteries. Engage in positive self care activities such as ensuring restful sleep. Engage in moderate exercise and try to maintain healthy eating habits. Remember excessive drinking or eating will only increase negative self-talk and feelings of depression. Also some people find themselves spending more during the holidays with the hopes that this will alleviate some of their sadness. Spending is a short-term fix and it is likely you will feel more distress when the holiday season is over and you are faced with a large bill from the credit card company.
Consider volunteering at a charity, library or other institution in need. Studies show that when we engage in social interactions, particularly those in which taps into our own sense of generosity, altruism and compassion, we feel less depressed and experience a greater sense of well-being.

Consider whether you may be experiencing an increase in depressive symptoms because you are "in the dark" more because of the shortened days. Perhaps you leave for work before the sun comes up and return home after it has gone down for the day. Seasonal affective depression (SAD) results from being exposed to fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months. Try to get out in the early morning to absorb some rays or consider purchasing a phototherapy lamp to use regularly in the privacy of your home or work center. A few hours' exposure to intense light is shown to be effective in relieving depressive symptoms in patients with SAD.

Lastly, so many struggle with feelings of loss at this time of year. Becoming involved in a grief support group is often helpful for many people. Often funeral homes and hospice centers offer opportunities to connect with others who have experienced loss. Remember you are not alone and there is help out there. If you have been struggling for two weeks or more, having difficulty engaging at work or school, experiencing a change in motivation or interest, experiencing a change in eating or drinking habits or you if are experiencing a sense of hopelessness about the future, then you might benefit from talking with a mental health professional. You can find a psychologist through the American Psychological Association or by checking with your local County Psychological Chapter. Hoping this issue has provided with you with support and assistance if you have found yourself struggling this month. Also wishing you the very best in the coming New Year.
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"You will lose someone you can't live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly--that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." 
                                                                           --Anne Lamott 

TURKEY Tips For A Truly Happy Thanksgiving

TURKEY Tips For A Truly Happy Thanksgiving

I have heard the holidays referred to as the Terrible Toos : Too much expectation, too many visitors and family members, and too many obligations. Stressors increase around the holidays due to many factors including: over-commercialism, family members coming together who perhaps don't get along, increased stress and fatigue. For some folks it is a difficult time due to increased feelings of depression, SAD (seasonal affective disorder) or loss. We have shorter days and less sunshine which can affect the moods of some people. There is often reunion syndrome stressors: From competition over who has the best job, who's dating, to who's having a baby. For folks who may not have had such a great year, there may be some embarrassment about getting together with family members.

Implementing the following little acronym will help keep your holiday gathering from turning into a turkey and it will help you to keep things in perspective. By following these steps you will communicate your needs to others and you will be showing up to the family gathering as an adult. You will be taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions and perhaps respond to family triggers in a different manner.

Take things in stride. Try to allow some of the stressors to slide off of you like Teflon rather than attaching to you like Velcro. Realize that the gathering is likely stressful for everyone on some level. The kids may be overexcited and tired; some family members may not travel well and may be fatigued from the road trip or airport experience. The host family may be exhausted before they even open the door to welcome the first guest due to the preparation and cooking. Acknowledge that everyone may not be showing up at the door at their shining best--cut yourself and them some slack.

Understand that the holidays will not magically repair fractured relationships nor resolve long-standing issues. Just because everyone in the Norman Rockwell paintings and in holiday movies appears to live happily ever after, does not mean that your family issues will be resolved by the end of the gathering. Also the holiday gathering is not the best time to bring a long-standing issue up for resolution. It's best to choose another time where you can discuss the issue in privacy without everyone and their brother getting involved.

Remember to take care of yourself in terms of maintaining exercise, proper nutrition and sleep. When we are stressed we tend to let go of healthy habits: We don't sleep well, we overeat or over-drink and over spend--and then we kick ourselves and feel more anxious or depressed by our actions. This year set yourself up for success by creating a plan for healthy eating and self-care. This is particularly true if you have any medical or psychological difficulties. If you are diabetic, have high blood pressure or you have been diagnosed with depression or some other psychological issue, it is especially important that you continue to be responsible for your well-being. Ignoring your health needs will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Keep things in perspective and be kind to yourself. If you are feeling stressed out by the hours or days of being held captive by relatives, then periodically remove yourself from the situation for short respites: Take a walk, go into the bathroom for some deep breathing exercises--do what you need in order to take care of yourself to regain a sense of calm. This step is also important if you are recovering from the death of a loved one or other loss such as divorce or separation. The holidays trigger memories of times spent with your loved one and can intensify feelings of loneliness and sadness. Talk with others about your feelings or seek out services from a mental health professional if you feel you are having difficulty coping with your loss.

Enjoy the experience in the here and now rather than focusing on the past or on what the gathering "should" be. Focus on what you want to get out of the experience--maybe make a plan ahead of time to spend more time playing with your nieces and nephews rather than arguing politics with Uncle Fred. Think about the choices you can implement to make the experience a positive one for yourself. Each day offers us new opportunity to experience the gift of life--open yourself up to gratitude and acknowledge the abundance present in your own life.

Say "Yes" to the things you want to participate in and "No" to those that will overextend your emotions, finances or time. Set some boundaries for yourself and be clear to yourself and others about your limits.

Armed with these strategies you will be certain to fly through the holidays with less stress and tension and, who knows, you may actually find yourself looking forward to the next family gathering!
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"You don't choose your family.
They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
--Desmond Tutu

Calm Wife, Happy Couple

Here's an interesting article on the influence of a woman's mood after an emotionally charged interaction with her male spouse impacts the perceived level of marital satisfaction. Makes me think of the line in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the wife mentions to her daughter and sister-in-law that the man may be the head but the wife is the neck ;-) Enjoy the read. Calm Wife, Happy Couple

Notice, be Open and Versatile this November

Welcome to Envision Your Dreams blog! First, please accept my apology for my absence--the summer zoomed past like a rocket and now, seemingly suddenly, Chicago weather lets me know that Winter is fast approaching. So what have I been doing lately? My husband continues to meet the challenge to transform into the bionic man; he underwent surgery in May to receive a shiny new knee. Just over a month later we loaded up the car and made our annual summer trek to the east coast. We visited our daughter in Brooklyn, where she was doing an internship, and in July celebrated the joyful marriage of my sister-in-law to her long-time partner. In August family gathered to celebrate my husband's birthday and new knee. A few weeks later it was time to load up the car and return to Chicago. Never one to let too much time pass between learning something that I can pass on to my clients, I began coursework in Wellness Coaching in September and by Spring I will have completed the coursework and coaching hours for certification. If you are a client or if you have been a reader of this blog for a while, then you recognize how strongly I believe in the powerful connection between our physical and mental health. Wellness Coaching allows me another avenue to pursue in order help my clients achieve greater health and balance in their lives. The great news for you is I have learned some interesting and exciting things about self care, stress management, nutrition and relaxation that I will share with you over the coming months. So, get settled into a comfy seat, take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and enjoy the read. As always, feel free to pass this information on to someone you think might benefit.


Notice, Be Open and Versatile
In North America we are speeding toward the busiest season--Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Year's Day--and I know this information comes as no surprise to you. The thought of getting through the coming weeks and months may fill you with anticipation and excitement or cause you to want to burrow down, pull the blankets up over your head and wish you could emerge on the other side of all the festivities like the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, this Spring. Some people are extremists and really thrive in the hustle and bustle of the season--I've known women and men who transform their home into a holiday display center, baking dozens of homemade cookies while simmering mulled cider on the stove and knitting their family scarves and stockings in the downtime between caroling and creating their own one-of-a kind greeting cards.

I am more of a moderate when it comes to holiday hoopla, although I admit it has been an evolutionary process. When my daughter and stepkids were young, I longed to replicate the Norman Rockwell scenes of holiday gatherings and soaked up holiday how-tos a la Martha Stewart. The day after Thanksgiving, the six of us would pile into the minivan, sing along to carols on the tape player and excitedly drive to the local tree farm. Once there we would race around the lot to claim the best tree. We voted on, then cut down, the tallest pine tree we could find. Every year it seemed the excitement of the new tree began to wane during the window of time in which my husband sweated and wrestled the tree into the stand. Next the scavenger hunt to find the box that held the Medusa-like knot of lights would commence. Untangling and checking the strands for burnt out bulbs, then getting the strings of lights on the tree without (1) knocking the tree over or (2) blowing a fuse when plugging the final strand into the wall outlet were always key goals. Sticky with sap and itchy from prickly pine needles, I would wrangle the kids into helping us hang strands of popcorn, cranberries, ornaments and candy canes on the tree. This blissful family-friendly time would last oh, about 15 minutes, until the kids were overcome with listless boredom and slink off one by one to the siren call of their room or telephone. Sensing desertion, my husband would take shelter by becoming engrossed and utterly enthralled with an old western flick on TV and I would find myself alone with my new BFT (best-friend tree).

A few hours later, with my bough-bedecked buddy festooned, the next tasks were ready to be tackled: lights hung outside, cookies and breads baked, nutcrackers, snow globes and Santas scattered throughout the house and a miniature village, complete with an ice rink and skaters, constructed on mounds of fluffy cotton snow erected. Days later with the house complete, my sights would shift to the hunting and gathering of gifts. Once found, the gifts would be wrapped and the stockings stuffed and hung. It was a nutty time and even now I can feel my stomach tightening as I reflect upon those years. By the time Christmas Eve came, rather than brimming with holiday cheer and goodwill I often tearfully simmered with irritability and exhaustion. It took me a while to take an honest look at why I was inviting so much stress into my life. After some thought, I realized that a great deal of my motivation had to do with wanting to please my loved ones through my over-the-top holiday preparation and actions. Being a new stepmom and even newer mom, I wanted my kids and husband to see me as the "BEST". I erroneously considered my actions equal to my worth--if I swirled around fast enough and with enough Christmas gusto to challenge any elf, then my family would love and appreciate me. I lost sight of the joy of doing something for someone simply because I wanted to and instead, internalized a false sense of expectation. The end result was that I choked with hurtful feelings of being unappreciated and put upon. It took me a while to recognize this and then to consciously create the type of holiday experience that makes me feel energized, happy and content. Today our holiday gatherings are much more intimate and free--the focus is on connection and appreciation. With my grown family spread all over the US, when we gather we pass the time playing games, cooking, exercising, snuggling in front of the fire and laughing as often and as deeply as possible. I make conscious choices about what is important and I make conscious decisions to let go of the holiday fantasy. Below I share with you the tips I learned and now implement. My hope is that you, too, will to slow down, choose, breathe, and be open in order to savor and enjoy the coming weeks.


Notice: What I mean here is simply notice and become conscious of how you feel as the month progresses. Pay attention to your body--throughout your day make a mental scan of where you may feel stress in your body. Are you experiencing more headaches? Do your shoulders feel tight? Do you feel rested when you awake in the morning? Is your stomach upset? Are you forgetful or experiencing clumsiness? Oftentimes such feelings and behaviors stem from the fact that we are not in tune with how stress affects us. Our body bears the burden of our stress-filled thoughts. When we feel taxed or frazzled, we begin to put tension on our musculature and seemingly out of nowhere, we experience pain. It takes some practice, but what I suggest is that every hour or so, take a few moments to stop, take a few deep breaths, and notice your surroundings. Maybe step outside and feel the air on your face. Look out your window and watch the clouds pass overhead. Close your eyes and focus your attention on the in and out rhythm of your breath. Close your eyes and listen to the noises nearby, then shift your attention to notice the noises in the distance. By taking a few moments to notice...to reground yourself in the present...you provide yourself with an opportunity to release some of the tension your body may be holding onto and you refocus your attention to this moment, right now. Often when we become clumsy, running into doorways, tripping or dropping things, our thoughts are leaps and bounds ahead of where our bodies are in the present moment. Taking time to notice and be mindful of what your body is doing in your current space will help you to slow down and feel more connected and calm.


Be Open: By mindfully noticing your surroundings and your thoughts, you open yourself up to noticing opportunities for connection throughout your day. If you notice that your body feels relaxed when you walk around your neighborhood, you may wish to engage in that behavior more frequently. If you notice that your stomach becomes tense when your coworker begins to gossip, you may choose to redirect the conversation or gently let him know you are trying not to engage in the negative behavior. As your awareness becomes more attuned to what feels good and right for you (and also what does not) you will begin to feel better and your thoughts will be lighter. You may begin to make connection with others in your vicinity. Perhaps you may notice and make eye contact with another as you pass on the sidewalk. You may smile at your bank teller as you finish your business today. You may notice and smile in response to the the giggle of children at play in your local park. When you cultivate openness, you also cultivate positivity in your life. What is positivity? UNC Chapel Hill Professor and Social Psychologist, Barbara Fredrickson, writes that positivity is when positive emotions--like love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, and inspiration--reign. So the lesson here is when you become open you are better able to see opportunity for and experience connection with others. When you feel more connected with others, you experience greater happiness, compassion, gratitude and joy in your life.


Be Versatile: By versatile I am not referring to an article of clothing that can be transformed into a skirt, dress or cape in a few swift moves. Instead what I refer to is the capacity for you to be versatile and optimistic. When we experience a stressor or a series of stressful situations, many possess the tendency to become curmudgeon-like and emotionally brittle. We hunker down in terms of our emotions: we close off and shore up walls to distance ourselves from what is painful or stressful. We mull over and lick at the painful spot in our heart or gut. Although it seems counterintuitive, what we need to do in these situations is "lean in" to what is causing us discomfort or presenting us with a challenge. When we become curious about such situations, we become more attentive to what is needed to resolve the problem. When we are open and engaged, we become much better problem-solvers. When you implement Noticing and Openness in your day-to-day experience, you will automatically become more resilient and optimistic. As an example, perhaps over the course of the coming weeks, you may find yourself overextended. Instead of shutting down and taking refuge in feelings of overwhelm or lashing out at someone in anger, lean in to your feelings, sit with your thoughts and consider what you might do to implement small changes so that you feel more empowered. Try to gain insight as to how the situation occurred. What were your drives? How can you make more conscious choices about your time? Maybe you can't walk away from your commitments or obligations, but there may be little things you can do for yourself to help you recharge and provide you with a greater sense of mastery. Dr. Fredrickson's research has shown that people who are mindful, open and optimistic, experience greater resilience in the face of stressful situations. It's not that people who are optimistic are immune from experiencing pain, such as loss, grief, or other challenges; it's that those who have cultivated optimism bounce back from such stressors more quickly and stronger than others. Through her research in the area of positive psychology, Fredrickson introduces her "broaden-and-build theory", which means positive thinking opens our minds. Positive thinkers literally see more of the world around them and are more likely to find innovative solutions to problems. Through her process called the "upward spiral", Fredrickson shows how one can bounce back from setbacks, connect with others, and become the best version of themselves.

Wishing you all the very best as we approach the holiday season. May you embrace the weeks ahead with optimism, openness and resilience and thus experience greater happiness, compassion, gratitude and joy.
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"There is a way of breathing that's a shame and a suffocation.
And there's another way of expiring, a love breath, that lets you open infinitely."
--Rumi