More Being and Less Doing in 2014

More Being and Less Doing in 2014


I am a champion list maker. Need food? Create a grocery list. Trying to eat healthy? Make a weekly menu. Going on a trip? Jot down a packing list. Have a bunch of things to accomplish? Make a To Do list for the day. I have found that making lists simplifies my life, keeps me from forgetting things and helps me be more efficient with my time. I believe in the organizational benefits of writing things down; when I write things down I am less forgetful and I don't find myself in the middle of the canned goods aisle wracking my brain to remember why I entered the store in the first place. When I enter appointments in my calendar I am less likely to miss a fun class at the gym or a lunch date with a friend. Most of the time when I am able to cross things off my lists I experience pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. There have been times, however, when my list appears long and overwhelming and instead of relief, I feel burdened and disheartened by the prospect of getting through it all. Perhaps you too have experienced crossing over that fine line between accomplishment and defeat when it comes to getting things done. The start of a New Year often cues people to begin a list of resolutions or things they would like to accomplish before the year's end. Your list might include losing a few pounds, joining (and going to) the gym, spending less and saving more. Most people have the best of intentions when they create To Do life lists. This writing is not going to be a short course on how to get organized and create the ultimate to do list, rather I invite you to create less To Do and more To Be in 2014.

Attending to the To Do list is all good, but at the extreme, we may get so caught up in the process of ticking things off the list, primed to tackle the next item that we lose sight of the bigger picture--this moment right now. We all live with the demands of modern life: Many people work long hours and take less time for vacation. With our days overbooked we can remain attached to our smart devices long into the night. TVs and computers add to the visual and cognitive overload with the press of a button. Our thoughts are continuously bombarded with information, choices and decision-making scenarios. As a result, we may feel out of balance, constantly racing to catch up and in a state of reactivity to the demands in our lives. For many people a buzz of anxiety hums just below the surface in their day-to-day existence. When we are caught up in our lists or phones or computers or heads, we miss out on experiencing the zone of enjoyment, connection and bliss. Many people feel that it is impossible to live a balanced life, that is, creating a satisfied life while pursuing a career while juggling the demands of a relationship or family. In my work with my clients, I help them to identify some of the internal dialogues or barriers which keep them from creating a more balanced and present life. Here's the short list of some of the common themes folks experience which keeps them on the To Do treadmill.

Self Worth: Since we were children, much of our self-worth has been linked to our accomplishments. We were praised for our achievements on the soccer field or in the classroom. As adults we often introduce ourselves by what we do. This can lead to a sense of feeling valued for what we do not who we are. When we measure our own sense of value by what we've acquired, it is easy to remain spinning on the wheel to work longer, harder and faster to accumulate as much as we can.

Inner Gremlin: So many of my clients experience a relentless inner critic. This is the voice which chides and berates you for not doing or accomplishing what you "could" or "should." Each of us has an internalized set of beliefs (that may have come from our parents) about duty, responsibility, expectation, and productivity. When the Inner Gremlin has the mike, chances are you feel driven, demoralized and discouraged. When you are able to recognize the voice of the Gremlin and make a conscious choice to silence the inner critic and instead offer yourself compassion and kindness, you will experience more joy in your life.

Going Unconscious: Many people don't realize that they are operating in an unconscious state for the majority of their day. How many times have you been caught up in your thoughts while driving that you've missed your exit off the freeway? Does your child or partner frequently ask you "Were you listening to me just now?" Ever consumed a bag of cookies or chips while sitting in front of the TV and not realized what you were doing until you rattled the empty bag? When we become unconscious, we lose track of the here and now. When we lose track of the priority of being present, just noticing and experiencing the moment, we sink back into the slog of unconsciousness.

Monkey Mind: This is a Buddhist concept and refers to the inner chatter we have regarding concern about the future (anxiety) and rumination about the past (depression). When we are caught in up "Doing" we are in the midst of monkey mind--concerned about the struggle of achievement, anticipation or loss. It's pretty much impossible to banish monkey mind completely, but spending some time each day in quiet meditation--calming your mind by focusing on your breath or a simple mantra--will train your brain to manage your thoughts. Over time your thoughts will become more peaceful and quiet.

So once you've identified your set of internal barriers, how do you spend more time in Being? We are always in a state of doing--our minds process and our bodies move. Clearly the answer is not about shutting off the Doing, which is impossible, but rather becoming conscious of how we relate to our activities. Are we attached to our actions or can we step outside our thoughts and just observe and notice? Rodney Yee, coauthor of Yoga: The Poetry of the Body and yoga instructor notes "You can learn to be and do at the same time. If you're flowing down a river, you're just being, yet you're moving downstream. The present moment is like that. If you concentrate your attention in the moment, you're totally present, yet it's not stagnant or fixed. The stillness is the state of mind that observes the movement." When we are in this state of stillness we are free of the concerns of the past and the worries about the future. Another cue for yourself as to when you are in a state of Being is identifying when do you feel most alive. For some people it is when they are engaged in yoga, really connecting their bodies with breath. For others, it is when they walk or run in nature. Some people feel connected to being when playing with their children or grandchildren. For many people they feel alive when they engage in meditation. Whatever the activity, you enter the zone of "Being" when you feel open, relaxed, and engaged. You experience a sense of enjoyment, fulfillment and alignment. You are in the moment and you feel present and authentic. When you are in this space, it is likely you feel relaxed and content. There is no tension in your body or face. Your breathing is easy and free.

In this new year, I invite you to become aware of when you have allowed yourself to enter any of the Doing treadmill states listed above. When you recognize you've been hooked, gently bring your attention to your breath and truly notice the activity you are engaged in. For example, if you are washing the dishes, really notice the sensation of the warm water on your hands, the heaviness of the pan, the fluff of the bubbles and silently tell yourself "just washing," Try to maintain your focus on the act rather than allowing your thoughts to zoom ahead to the next project. Or as you read this, feel yourself in your chair, notice your feet in your shoes planted on the floor, your legs and back against the cushions. Notice your breath and the way you hold your shoulders. Bring your awareness to the moment. In becoming more engaged with your daily experience you will notice more and as a result you will experience more gratitude and joy in your life. When we allow ourselves to slow down and reconnect with ourselves and others, we experience deeper contentment and happiness. With less focus on Doing this year, I wish you a consciously engaged, abundant, healthy and joyful 2014.

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention.
This is how we cultivate mindfulness.
Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

When Grief Hitches A Ride On Santa's Sleigh

When Grief Hitches A Ride On Santa's Sleigh


For lots of folks, this time of year represents excitement, joy and celebration. The scent of pine in the air wafting from the tree lots, the twinkling lights and piped in holiday music heightens our senses and provides us cues as to what we should be feeling at this time of year. There is a great deal of media and social pressure to be jolly and filled with holiday spirit. For some people, however, the holidays are filled with anxiety and sadness, particularly for those who have experienced separations or endings within the past year. The emotions associated with termination of a relationship, loss of employment, or separation from or loss of loved ones hits particularly hard at this time of year. Unfortunate as it is, grief eventually becomes intertwined with the holidays for all of us as we age and develop bonds and relationships with others. Some losses are obvious (for example, death or divorce) while others are not so obvious (for example, the loss of a pet, a child leaving the nest, a medical crisis or an adult child's divorce). As these losses accumulate, some natural reactions are to experience anxiety, sadness, regret, irritability or anger, and for some, clinical depression. For many people, one loss in the here and now (for example, a child not coming home for the holidays or being let go on a job) may stir up memories of losses in the past (for example, a parent's death or the loss of a relationship). If you have lost a loved one in 2013, this first holiday season without him or her may be extremely distressing. Holidays, which are traditional times to gather with family and friends, can be a painful reminder that your loved one is no longer with you.

Rather than pull the covers over your head or take solace in the contents of the fridge or a bottle, there are healthier and more adaptive ways to manage one's feelings of grief and loss which I offer to you below. 
If you or your family experienced any kind of loss this year, it is important to talk about it. Acknowledge your loss and share your feelings with others. Now is not the time to deny or avoid one's feelings. Reach out to others for support and a shoulder to cry on. It is especially important that you communicate with your friends and loved ones about what you need at this time and let them know how they can be supportive of you.

Talk about how things will be different this season and brainstorm ways you can adjust the holiday celebrations or traditions. Life brings changes and each year will provide you with opportunity to adapt. Try to be present in the here and now to minimize the time you spend lost in the loss. Perhaps you can start a new tradition such as lighting a candle in memory of your loved one or hang a stocking on the fireplace that others can fill with notes or anecdotes about that person.

Cut yourself some slack and be realistic about what you can and cannot do this season. If this has been a particularly difficult year for you, make conscious choices about the activities you want to engage in this month. Be aware of your emotional limits and engage in the activities that will make you feel better and not increase your stress reactions. I've read that some people plan an exit strategy ahead of time (for example driving their own car to a gathering or event) so that if they feel fatigued or overwhelmed, they will be able to leave the situation on their own time.
Recharge your batteries. Engage in positive self care activities such as ensuring restful sleep. Engage in moderate exercise and try to maintain healthy eating habits. Remember excessive drinking or eating will only increase negative self-talk and feelings of depression. Also some people find themselves spending more during the holidays with the hopes that this will alleviate some of their sadness. Spending is a short-term fix and it is likely you will feel more distress when the holiday season is over and you are faced with a large bill from the credit card company.
Consider volunteering at a charity, library or other institution in need. Studies show that when we engage in social interactions, particularly those in which taps into our own sense of generosity, altruism and compassion, we feel less depressed and experience a greater sense of well-being.

Consider whether you may be experiencing an increase in depressive symptoms because you are "in the dark" more because of the shortened days. Perhaps you leave for work before the sun comes up and return home after it has gone down for the day. Seasonal affective depression (SAD) results from being exposed to fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months. Try to get out in the early morning to absorb some rays or consider purchasing a phototherapy lamp to use regularly in the privacy of your home or work center. A few hours' exposure to intense light is shown to be effective in relieving depressive symptoms in patients with SAD.

Lastly, so many struggle with feelings of loss at this time of year. Becoming involved in a grief support group is often helpful for many people. Often funeral homes and hospice centers offer opportunities to connect with others who have experienced loss. Remember you are not alone and there is help out there. If you have been struggling for two weeks or more, having difficulty engaging at work or school, experiencing a change in motivation or interest, experiencing a change in eating or drinking habits or you if are experiencing a sense of hopelessness about the future, then you might benefit from talking with a mental health professional. You can find a psychologist through the American Psychological Association or by checking with your local County Psychological Chapter. Hoping this issue has provided with you with support and assistance if you have found yourself struggling this month. Also wishing you the very best in the coming New Year.
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"You will lose someone you can't live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly--that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." 
                                                                           --Anne Lamott