Saturday, September 05, 2009



Separation Anxiety

I am the parent of an almost-18 year old. My daughter has taken to alerting me to the countdown til the day she becomes an adult (in her eyes anyway) ever since she turned 17. The growing list of things she plans to do on that auspicious day include the possibility of coming home sporting a nose piercing and a small, discreet tattoo. I am not as concerned about the nose piercing and tattoo as some moms may be since I consider both of these expressions part of the process inherent in the developmental task of separating one's identity from one's family of origin and becoming an independent person. Besides that, she, not I, will be the one to live with her body art.

The sweet baby I held, read "Stellaluna" to, and rocked to sleep for years now lets me squeeze her on occasion, puts herself to sleep while reading her Statistics textbook and darts out the door, dark hair flying, to meet her friends at the bookstore faster than a caffeinated Superman. No longer does she play dress up in my shoes and clothes, clomping around the house with her teensy painted toenails swimming in my heels, now she rummages around in my closet "for reals" to borrow a new pair of shoes. Her dad and I survived last year's "learning to drive" cardio-workouts and I once again channeled my mother in the form of stomping upon the invisible brake on the floor of the passenger side while simultaneously gripping the window with the tips of my right hand with the tenacity of a starfish clinging to a rock at low tide. When it was time to take her out to practice driving around town, while dutifully following her out the door, her dad and I would whisper "shotgun" to the other meaning the loser was to sit in the front. One year later, I can relax more while in the real shotgun position as I recognize her improved driving skills.

The hardest thing for me about her turning 18 is that with the new chronological age comes her preference to engage in independent activities; long gone are the days of scheduled playdates set up between me and other careful moms. Last night I was called "psycho-mom" for the umpteenth time when she voiced her desire to join friends today on a beach outing a few hours away. The psycho-mom term was bandied about when I voiced my desire to speak with a parent before she climbed into a carful o'teens to drive several hundred miles away. I have always been one who worked hard to keep my worries (which I not so affectionately called "the dark things that lurk out there to harm my child once she is beyond my reach") from spilling onto her when she was little, but I have to confess that a few have sprung loose and begun to drip with the slow steadiness of an IV since she and her friends gained access to wheels and displayed an eagerness to explore the world beyond the perceived safety of our postal code.

Now that she is in her last year of high school that other countdown has begun, ticking ever closer to the day she packs her things, pats the dogs, kisses her dad and I goodbye, and sets off for college and the great world beyond. I always encouraged her to leave the state when she goes to college since I think of it as the time in one's life to experience a completely different culture and climate, meet new people while exploring areas of academic interest all the while, learning to make decisions on one's own. Now, as we plan for college visits a thousand miles away and begin the application process to distant places whose glossy scenes of campus life have competed for space on the kitchen butcher block for the past several months, I must admit I am struggling to keep myself from babbling and blathering about the attributes of the handful of colleges right here in our same area code.

Eighteen years have flown with such velocity that surely she and I have been encapsulated in some form of time warp that only I could feel and as I write this entry I can't stop my ambivalent tears from springing forth. I am so proud of my bright, beautiful, and talented daughter but I will miss her so when on that fateful day she, with gentleness and persistence, closes the door of her dorm room on her dad and me. Although we endured and weathered our share of arguments, painful barbs and scornful looks, for the most part, I am happy, no, bursting with joy to say that my daughter and I truly appreciate each other's company. We have danced with each other at concerts, hopping up and down to the tunes of G. Love and Ben Harper among others. We have snuggled under a blanket on the couch while watching sappy Lifetime movies and clutched each other's hands til our knuckles were white while having the beejesus scared out of us watching rented horror flicks. We have sweated through long runs, passing the time talking about boys and life and the future. We've laughed at ourselves and each other in the mirror while Zumba-ing to world beats. She taught me how to download music into my Ipod and send text messages without too much consternation and I taught her to make fresh pesto and banana bread. We have giggled til tears rolled down our faces over "you had to be there" incidents and comforted the other through pain, disappointments and loss. Now the next step, for me at least, is to encourage and support her in this next developmental task: separation and individuation. It's ironic that when my daughter was young, she went through a stage lasting several years in which she cried at the drop off curb at school in the morning and worried that her dad or I would accidentally leave her behind in a store while shopping. I recall driving across town in the wee hours of the morning after a tearful, lonesome call from a frightened 9 year old following an aborted attempt to spend the night at a friend's house. "Will she ever be able to spend the night away from home?" I wondered while sleepily nosing the minivan through the dark streets on my mission of rescue. I purchased books to read about helping one's child cope with separation anxiety. I read Berenstain Bears and other stories to her about being brave and helped her to put words to her fears about being away from mommy and daddy. Now my formerly anxious daughter feels no hesitation when climbing onto a stool at open mic night, strumming her guitar and singing her own songs to a crowd of strangers. She spends the night away from home with girlfriends on a regular basis and she has flown to both coasts on her own on numerous occasions.

If the excitement in her eyes and her hearty appetite to experience new things is any indication, then I would say that her once-evident separation anxiety is in full remission. Now it looks as though it's my turn to experience the butterflies and willies in my belly and lump in my throat for an unknown period of time as I prepare for the coming months. I guess it's time for me to once again hop in the car and head to my favorite bookstore, only this time to see what is on the shelves for for mommies who are experiencing pangs of separation anxiety from their grown up babies while also trying to savor each and every morning she staggers out of her room, yawning and rubbing sleep from her eyes, searching me out to share with me what she dreamt the night before.

Friday, June 05, 2009



The Flow of Friendship

The last few weeks have been a topsy-turvy wild ride of emotion involving my heart. An emptiness surfaced a few weeks ago as I said goodbye to a long-time friend and a short time later, the ache was soothed by the the reconnection of two friends. About two weeks ago my friend and colleague, Emilie, passed away after a decades-long battle with cancer. Emilie was one of the first therapists I met when I moved to San Antonio from the Bay Area. Emilie and her husband, Wayne, led a psychoanalytic group and welcomed me into the fold with open arms. I was lonely and hungry for professional contact after a few months in town and I became a member of the group for a number of years until life became a bit crazy as work and parenting demands escalated. I was fortunate though, in that Emilie and I worked at the same agency where we were able to joke across the table during Tuesday staff meetings. Emilie and her husband were known in the psychological community as "mentor parents" to those of us new to the area or desirous of collegial contact. Over the years we enjoyed each others company at various parties and gatherings and I cherish the memory of Emilie, with her clear soprano, and Wayne, with his strong tenor, serenading me a year ago at my birthday party. Throughout the years Emilie kept her battle with cancer private. When I found out that the cancer had spread and phoned her offering my support, Emilie said that she did not let many people know of her battle because she wanted there to be places and areas of her life where she could go that did not involve the C word. I was able to visit Emilie several times before she passed away and I feel fortunate to have been able to convey to her how meaningful her friendship has been to me over the nearly 14 years I have been in San Antonio. She was a gentle, bright and gifted woman whom I will miss.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, just a few days ago two old friends resurfaced. One reconnected following the loss of her job and the other reappeared after a lengthy healing process following a painful divorce. Karen worked crazy, vampire hours which prevented her from a whole lot of socializing during the hours regular humans are up and about. When she lost her job, she realized she savored time with her little girls, driving them to and from school, playing with them in the yard, as well reconnecting with supportive friends. Karen and I laughed for two hours at breakfast the other morning, catching up on events over the past 10 months since we last saw each other.

My other reconnection was Carol. Carol and I first met in graduate school and our friendship was cemented when we realized we were due to deliver our babies around the same time. I have a picture of the two of us, plus another woman, standing sideways, beaming with anticipation, proudly displaying our 8+ month bellies. Our babies were born 4 weeks apart and Carol and I supported, nurtured and guided each other through those first swoony, foggy months of newbie-motherhood. We coached each other through diapers and dissertation defense, potty training, licensure and beyond as our girls' entered the world of horses and late elementary school. Although we both left the Bay Area when our daughters were toddlers, Carol and I stayed in frequent contact via phone. Then one day Carol dropped out of sight: My phone calls went unanswered and my messages were unreturned. I was stunned and saddened by the disappearance of my friend. It took me a few years to let go of the confusing hurt, all the while hoping one day to see or speak to her again.

Early this week I received a friend invitation on Facebook from a woman whose name I didn't recognize. Always ready to purge spam, my finger hovered above the delete button, but something made me decide to open up the invite. To my surprise, there was Carol, with a different last name. Earlier this morning we reconnected for an hour on the phone, laughing and crying as we filled each other in on all that has taken place over the past 5 years. Carol explained her behavior, I listened and welcomed her back into my heart.

I am so thankful for my girlfriends and value the special connection I have with each of them. I am not one who has a bevy of friends...my FB friendships do not come close to rivaling the hundreds on my daughter's account. I am fortunate to still have a best friend from high school with whom I talk to at least once a month. I am even fortunate to count my brother's wife as one of my closest friends. Most of my friends here in TX are those which began as professional, then deepened into caring, loving relationships. Each woman has helped me in so many ways: encouraging me through graduate school, mentoring me through motherhood, comforting me through loss, laughing with me over goofy things, dancing wildly to great music, lending me their ear and attention when I am troubled. I, in turn, attempt to offer each of them what they need from me. At different times, our friendships have been intense, while at other times, they appear to drift, but I always know that when we speak on the phone, our conversations take off where we left them, with hardly a pause to catch up.

Some friends are present for a reason; usually to meet a need you have expressed, whether that be to help you through a transition, a difficulty or to provide you with support and encouragement. Sometimes this friend leaves, whether it be through moving away or through an action that causes the two of you to part. Often this happens when a need has been met and you are in a stronger emotional place. Some friends come into your life for a season because it is your turn to grow or learn. Your friend may teach you something you have never experienced and help you to stretch and evolve. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. This form of friendship builds upon a lifetime of experiences in order to create a solid foundation that time cannot disrupt. What I have realized preparing for this entry is that there is an ebb and flow to many things, including friendship. Just allowing the relationship to take its winding course rather than damming it with expectation allows you and your friend to grow and realize new things about one's self and the meaning of friendship.

Thought for the Day: Is now the time for you to reach out to a friend with whom you have lost contact?

When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
--James Taylor

Thursday, May 07, 2009



Global Citizenship

Recently my daughter returned from a school trip to Alabama and Mississippi with her class. The focus of the trip was to provide the students a firsthand look at the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement. Over the course of one week, they heard lectures from those who were on the frontlines during the March for Freedom, visited museums and monuments in memory of the civil struggle, and were immersed in a new culture and part of our country. One of the things my daughter taught me from her trip was about an event in which hundreds of high schoolers participated in during the fight for equality. I do not recall this little slice of history being taught to me while I was in school and the knowledge of the event has stayed with me. On May 2 and 3 thirty six years ago, a group of children bravely made their mark in the history of the civil rights movement when they participated in the Children's March for Freedom in Birmingham, AL. Organized by the Reverend James Bevel, hundreds of high school students left school and met at 16th Street Baptist Church where they were discharged from the church in groups of 50 for the sole purpose of being arrested to protest the incarceration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Those brave students left school and peacefully gathered to raise their voices in song. They faced snapping German shepherds, fire hoses, angry police officers and awaiting vans. Those students risked being killed for their actions like some adult protesters were during those terrible years. Upon release from jail, another 50 students were ready to take their place.

Since hearing about this march, my thoughts have centered around the bravery these young men and women displayed to organize and stand up for something that the majority of adults in their city were vehemently against: racial equality. I researched a bit into the another time children impacted history by their actions and presence: Mother Jones organized a Children's Crusade in 1903 in which children march from PA to NY carrying banners exhorting going to school over working in the mines. Their action led to the eventual passing of Child Labor Law in 1913. In both of these accounts, the children did not possess guns, bats or other weapons of destruction. They did not loot, fight, rape or kill those in opposition. They carried signs and let their songs and actions speak for the rights they sought.

Children possess hope: Hope for themselves and hope for the future. In this time of pessimism, financial insecurity, foreclosures, global warming, war, civil conflict, and whatever else you can add to the list, adults can become mired in dissolution and despair. It takes a certain amount of belief and hope to motivate oneself to change one's own behavior, let alone feel one can make a positive impact on the world. It takes an enormous amount of courage to peacefully, but assertively, stand up for what one feels is true and risk the consequences of going against the flow.

Last night I had the opportunity to hear former President Clinton speak in San Antonio about The Clinton Global Initiative University. His initiative builds on the model he put into place during his presidency and now focuses on engaging the next generation of leaders from college campuses around the world to discuss solutions to urgent social and environmental problems. As citizens of the world, Clinton anchors the focus of the initiative on the values of: empowerment, gratitude and giving. Through the guiding manifestation of each of these values, young people can change the world, helping villages become self sufficient, attend to the environmental mess our generation and those before us have left, as well as seek cultural understanding which one day will lead to less civil and global conflict.

I am moved and inspired by the actions and hopes of my daughter's generation. I believe if we can all view ourselves as citizens of the world, rather than focusing on the differences of color, religion, sexual orientation, political ideology, we can ensure the health of our beloved big blue ball called Earth. Each of us possess a beating heart in our chest and a desire to live a healthy, good life no matter what part of the world we find ourselves or the color of our skin. If we were to live the values of empowerment, gratitude and giving, not only would our personal relationships be enhanced, but our communities, country and world would reap the benefits as well.

Thought for the Day: What can you do today as a Citizen of the World?

"Do a public good as a private citizen."
Former President Bill Clinton

Thursday, April 16, 2009



Lazy Days and Thursdays

Ahhh, it's Thursday again, which means a lazy day of walking the dogs, catching up on email and errands, scheduling doctor's appointments, heading to the gym, curling up with a book, downloading podcasts or engaging in whatever strikes my fancy over the next hours. For several years now I have been taking Thursday off from my clinical practice to provide myself a recharge zone mid-week. It's a nice gift to myself for rejuvenation and catch up. Having a me-day midweek helps me to stay focused, energized and able to meet my clients' needs during the work-week, knowing that I will be able to take some time for myself long before the weekend rolls around with the usual to-dos that befall those two days.

When my daughter was young, weekends were spent shuttling between soccer games, horseback riding lessons, and birthday parties. When not serving as chauffeur, I scrambled to the grocery store and then scuttled around the house in a seemingly self-defeating effort to remain the victor over household chores. I greeted Monday mornings with bleary eyes and pumped my veins with a pot of Peets to jumpstart my day. Like many working mothers, I felt I was juggling as fast as I could to try to fulfill my obligations at the agency where I worked, attend to my clients' needs, plus keep my family happy and satisfied. I knew it was only a matter of time until I dropped a ball; and I also knew the one dropped would not be the one that represented my family. So prior to stepping away from the agency after 10 years of service and stepping toward private practice, I spent much time reviewing my values and countless hours talking it over with my husband about how, when I hung my shingle, I shaped it so that that my business and career honored and supported the things most important to me.

What are values are why are they important? Values are the principles one believes in and that define the core of one's identity. Values shape our behavior and help to motivate us toward self-improvement. Humanistic psychologists suggest that each of us possesses an innate sense of values that tend to become buried over time by social demands and expectations and it is our lifelong goal to rediscover our values in order to live more authentically. Sometimes the values are buried by circumstance, while other values may be buried by social pressures. Here's two examples of what I mean by this:

A new client sought treatment from me because he was extremely unhappy in his workplace due to years of continual exposure to a socially-toxic work environment. In our work together we began to explore his reasons for staying at his job for so long. As I asked him to identify his personal values, it became clear to him that his current job supported few of his values. In a recent session, he realized he had taken the job because he had learned his wife was seriously ill and he needed to obtain employment that offered him the best health benefits and highest pay. His decision to say "yes" to the position was fueled by acute fear of what the future might hold. When one is in "survival" mode, there is little room to wonder about values. His wife's health has now stabilized which allows my client to begin to consider his values and move toward securing employment that is a better value-match and one in which he most certainly will thrive.

Years ago I worked with a young woman who was unhappy in her position as an investment advisor. She entered the field due to social pressure; it was an unspoken expectation that she would join the family business upon graduation from college. She sought my help when she was desperate to leave the company but she did not know what she would do instead. After several sessions, she clarified her values and began exploring her interests. She determined that what she really wanted was a career in event planning. Within the year, she went on to obtain a certification as an event planer, discussed her plans with her family, moved to another city and opened her own business. This young woman's values had been buried by the social pressures of her family and it was not until she became more secure and confident to live her values, not those of her family, was she able to move toward living a more authentic life.

Identifying one's values does not necessarily spell out c-a-r-e-e-r c-h-a-n-g-e, but what it does mean is one becomes aware and conscious of the things that are most important. Once this happens one begins to make choices to ensure there is room in one's life to embrace, honor and cultivate them.

Thought for the Day: Take some time to identify your core values. Next, consider whether your values are being expressed and validated in your life. If not, what changes can you make to ensure that they are being expressed?

"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
--Barbara De Angelis

Thursday, April 02, 2009



Living by 10s and Other Amazing Things

Okay, I'm BACK to the blog-world after a lengthy hiatus! It feels good to be writing again and my hope is that I will be able to keep this up at least once a month. Since my last post, life has been hectic and exciting in a positive way. In August I took the plunge and opened my very own private practice where I see adults and adolescents, providing individual psychotherapy and biofeedback in addition to my coaching services, which I offer over the telephone. It has definitely been a thrilling and sometimes scary ride and thankfully I have the encouragement of my husband, family and fantastic office manager, Kay, to spur me on as I navigate the (for me) uncharted waters of small business ownership.

After a nine month gestational period, I feel I have given birth to a healthy and thriving small business and am ready to reconnect with my blog community once again.
With much of my creative energy consumed by the decisions and development inherent in the launching a small business, I felt I had little left to devote to writing. I am now beginning to come up for air with time available to put my thoughts down in "written" word once again and it feels good to be in a place to allow my thoughts to flow.

Besides the "I'm Ba-aack" shout-out, I'd also like to share with you some other exciting news and tell you about a book I think will help you in any decision-making dilemmas in which you may find yourself. A few years back I wrote about a process called 10-10-10 on the blog after reading an article by Suzy Welch in Oprah Magazine. About a year later I was surprised and delighted to be contacted by Ms. Welch for an interview about how I have applied the tool in my own life and how I have used it in my work with clients. She was in the process of writing a book about 10-10-10 and she sought contact with folks whose lives were impacted by the article. A couple of days ago I received my copy, hot off the presses, of her new book, "10-10-10, 10 Minutes, 10 Months, 10 Years, A Life-Transforming Idea" (complete with my interview on pg. 113!) and I encourage you to run out and purchase the book to learn how to apply the tool in your life and read the inspiring stories of how others have used it to live with greater satisfaction and authenticity. Below I offer the 10-10-10 concept to apply to your own life.

How often have you found yourself immobilized in a decision process, uncertain about which way to proceed? The questions you pose yourself may run from the easy:
Should I hit the snooze button or get up and head to the gym?
Eat the piece of chocolate cake or go for the yogurt parfait?
Stop at the grocery store today or tomorrow?

To the more challenging:
Should I accept the job offered across the country?
Should I start a family now?
Do I stay in this relationship?


10-10-10 refers to a way of considering the consequences of a decision and projecting the outcome into the near and distant future. Such consideration provides you with an opportunity for perspective and, quite possibly, transformation. 10-10-10is an easy to remember (and apply) life management tool that will help propel you out of murky indecision, toward clarity, personal fulfillment and living your life with authenticity.

Every 10-10-10 process involves three steps. The first is to identify the question or dilemma facing you. It is important to distill the question to its simplest form, that is, what is the issue you are trying to resolve? Once you are clear about the issue, the next step is to gather the information and apply the 10s. Given the issue, what are the consequences of the decision
10 minutes from now?
10 months from now?
10 years from now?

Next, think about all the options in response to your question and apply the 10s. You might find it helpful to enlist others in exploring and weighing your options. Ms. Welch writes in her book that the 10s assigned are not literal: 10 minutes could mean 1 minute or 10 hours and represents the “right now”. The second 10, could translate into 10 days, 10 weeks or 10 months and represents the nearer future. The last 10 represents 10 years or the future that is much further in the distance.

The last step in the process is the analysis stage in which you take the information you now have about your options, and apply what you know to your beliefs, goals, dreams and needs. Ms. Welch writes as instruction at this point in the process: “Knowing what I know now about all of my options and their consequences, which decision will help me create a life of my own making?” (p. 11). Your answer will be your result of the 10-10-10 process.

I have used this process in both my personal and professional life. It has helped me in decision making as well as in communication with others. I have taught my clients the process in the course of helping them in their decision-making as well as in improving communicating with their coworkers and loved ones. This process has helped couples in conflict management, for example, I ask them to consider the outcome if one gives voice to a thought 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years will now--will the particular comment serve to help or hurt the relationship?

Thought for the Day: When faced with a quandary of your own this month, test out 10-10-10 and experience the positive consequences.

“Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different.” --Katherine Mansfield