More Life Lessons from Zeebo

I've just returned from an ever, exciting walk-tangle-stumble with my big-guy Dane, Zeebo, and four month-old little Dane, Suki. Today marked our 8th group-walk on the trail. Zeebo, being a mature and stately 2 year old, tried to maintain a restrained, but curious, approach to the smells and scents on the trail, while Suki was a wiggle-bum and skirted from right to left and back and forth across the trail and into the woods, soaking it all in with enthusiastic snorts. My role was a multifaceted one of ringmaster, puppeteer, choreographer and pooper-scooper. On each outing I try to keep their eight paws and my two feet from hopeless entanglement in the leashes which sometimes leaves me performing arabesques and fancy spins (thanks to the salsa lessons--see previous post "Salsa in San Antonio") in a split second.

Although I have written previous posts about my adventures with and observations of my dogs, they continually provide me with ideas and examples of how to embrace and experience my own life. At the beginning of our walk, Zeebo's attitude reminded me of how we sometimes drift into a blase state of mind--perhaps taking the gifts of the day for granted or allowing little things (in his case the puppy) to interfere with and dampen our enthusiasm. Sometimes we allow those little irritants which can surface over the course of a day sour our mood and morph into anger and irritability. In my coaching and clinical practice I encourage my clients to let the little things slide off of them as if they were made of Teflon rather than Velcro. Too often people hold onto slights, hurts and smoldering anger rather than strive to reach a place of resolution, forgiveness and compassion. When we hold onto those hurts and perceived trespasses, we run the risk of becoming hardened, bitter, angry and lonely individuals.

Is that the reason we are here walking the earth right now?

Does this type of emotional bondage allow us to fully experience life and relationships?

The answer, I hope, is obvious. In order for us to live fully and experience love and relationships deeply, compassion and kindness should be our modus operandi. In his book, Learned Optimism, psychologist Martin Seligman writes about the power of an optimistic outlook on our health, immune system, even life expectancy. Optimism is not simply making positive self-statements throughout the course of the day, but rather what you say to yourself when you experience setbacks or disappointments. Seligman proposes that our approach and attitude toward life is within our control and centers on two principles: learned helplessness and explanatory style.

Learned helplessness refers to "giving up" in the face of adversity. It is the feeling which some folks experience that much of life is beyond their control and that whatever they may do is not going to matter.

Explanatory style is the manner in which you explain to yourself why events happen. This style can be either full of pessimism (thus fueling the fire for learned helplessness) or full of optimism and hope. A positive, optimistic explanatory style energizes and encourages you through and beyond setbacks.

So how does this relate to a walk with the dogs, you ask? Over the past couple of weeks, Zeebo has had to adjust to walking with the energetic puppy cavorting at his side and under his paws. He sometimes appears annoyed and irritated by her random darting and stop-starting, which interferes with his pace and focus. She frequently cuts him off with her leash just as he is about to sniff a particularly tantalizing shrub. Often she wriggles her way between his front legs to join him as he snuffles through the leaves.

This morning, Zeebo could have approached the walk with Suki from a place of learned helplessness. He could have hung his head in true hang-dog fashion during the entire walk and participated listlessly in the goings-on because he was annoyed with Suki's presence and attention-seeking behavior. What I noticed was at about the halfway mark of the walk he seemed to switch into a different attitude: he perked up his tail and ears while Suki trotted clumsily alongside him. By the time we reached the three-quarter point of the walk, Zeebo played tug of war with her over twigs and sticks they discovered along the trail. His mood appeared to have shifted from disappointment to acceptance. His happy play seemed to say, "Okay, let's make the best of this and have a good time!" By the time we made it through the door, they were both exhausted with tongues hanging, ready for a mid-morning nap to recuperate from their rambunctious wrestling and "fast-dog" racing. If only we could all change our attitude and outlook to one of acceptance and embrace situations with expectancy and optimism over the course of minutes! I am grateful for yet another opportunity to learn about life from my furry housemates.

Thought for the Day: Pay attention to your own self-talk this week with regard to setbacks or disappointments. Are you approaching such situations from a place of optimism or learned-helplessness? What can you do to shift yourself into optimism?

The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose. --Kahlil Gibran
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Want to purchase a copy of the book "Learned Helplessness"?--go to my website and click on Kim's Book Picks to order this book from Amazon and see my other favorites!

Maintain the Course, Captain!

While on a hike this week with my friend Claudia, we started talking about how difficult it is to maintain our commitment to health. Even though we recognize the benefits of eating a healthy diet and staying away from junk food as much as possible, we all struggle with staying the course at some point or another. This same subject matter was brought up by several group members in my Tuesday night course, Get Off the Couch and Hop on Board. In their book, "Changing for Good," authors, Prochaska, Norcross and DiClimente cite that maintenance of a new behavior (making strides to incorporate the behavior into your lifestyle) takes sustained, long-term effort and a revised lifestyle. Sometimes it's easy to slip back into old patterns of behavior, particularly when under emotional stress--and changing a habit definitely creates added stress and can exacerbate other stressors in your life as well.

Maintenance is the hard work--committing to changing a behavior or habit each and every day is a difficult process. Prochaska and his colleagues cite several strategies for success. To overcome a habit, one must replace the problem behavior with a new, healthier lifestyle. This begins with a process called "countering." Countering means providing healthy substitutes for the old behaviors you are trying to rid yourself of. To do this effectively, you want to come up with a list of countering activities ahead of time so you can put them into play when the time arises rather than being caught off guard without a plan. A few examples of countering are:

Active diversion. Also know as the old "stay busy" suggestion. When you are feeling tempted to hop in the car and head to the nearest fast food diner, call a friend, read a book, take a walk, play with the dog; find a diversion that you can implement easily and readily.

Exercise. Physical activity is a great substitute for a food craving. Instead of heading to the kitchen during the commercial break for a high calorie/high fat snack, get on the floor and do some stomach crunches or walk around the dining room table until the program resumes. Prochaska notes that inactive people are not only in poor condition for dealing with physical problems, but they are often in poor psychological condition for coping with the stress that can accompany changing a behavior. So when those fastfood commercials begin to make you consider jumping in the car and motoring to the drive-up window for a bag of fries and a shake--instead, jump up and motor and shake your body around the yard for a few minutes--your brain and your heart will appreciate it more!

Relaxation. The benefits of relaxation and meditation are impressive: increased energy, decreased blood pressure and muscle tension, decreased anxiety, improved health, sleep, concentration and mood. You don't need to go to a yoga studio to reap the benefits. All you need is a quiet environment, a comfortable position and a willingness to let go of the stressor. For example, when you feel the urge to plunge your head into the fridge and eat whatever you can grab in response to a stressful day at the office or a hectic day with the kids, instead, go to a quiet corner of your room or yard and sit back, breathe easy and let your mind and muscles just drift for a while. Focus on your breathing--slow it down. Concentrate on the inhale...feel your lungs expand fully...then exhale and let the stress leave your body in quiet tandem with your breath. If stressful thoughts enter in, acknowledge the thoughts, then gently brush them aside. Refocus on your breathing and body. It takes some practice, but you will find your ability to cope with the daily stressors of life is improved. A bad day at the office will no longer mean a bad evening with regard to food choices.

These are just a few suggestions to try out when you are feeling tempted to dive into a bag of fast food or stop at the convenience store for a pack of cigarettes. These suggestions involve raising your awareness to the triggers that in the past led you to overeat or choose unhealthy items. Raising your awareness puts you back in the captain's chair with regard to what you do with your craving or temptation. Who is in charge of maintaining your course--you or the autopilot of cravings? Just think how amazing and proud of yourself you will feel when you get on the other side of those cravings! Your quality of life, personal satisfaction and improved health will be there waiting for you when you free yourself from the emotional rollercoaster of cravings!

Thought for the Day: Make a list this week of some of the "countering" concepts you can put into play when you feel tempted to get off course with regard to changing your behavior. Let me know which ones work for you!

If we all did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. --Thomas Edison

Breaking the Ice

Today I gave my first speech at my local Toastmaster's Club. In a January post (Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it Go) I spoke of how I am stretching myself beyond my comfort zone by seeking out opportunities for public speaking. In December I joined a local group which meets each Friday at lunchtime. Today was my big day: The Icebreaker Speech--speech number one of 10 in my Communication and Leadership Program Manual. I must admit that the preparation time involved in presenting that 6 minute speech was incredible--I must have put in at least 15 hours into the writing, editing, timing of, and practicing of that speech. Thankfully my dogs were attentive listeners as I presented the speech over and over to them last night, although Suki, the puppy, became entranced with sticking her head in the toilet water when I moved into the bathroom to practice in front of the mirror (I chose to not view this as her way of expressing her opinion about my topic)!

As I mentioned in that January post, I am the type of person who is much more comfortable writing my thoughts down on paper or on a computer screen as compared to being expected to speak coherently in front of a group. But this year I have decided that my uneasiness and lack of self-confidence has held me back for long enough and I am plunging myself into that icy pool of anxiety just like a polar bear leaping off an iceberg with abandon into the Arctic. I realize soon enough I will become comfortable with many sets of eyes turned my way, perched and eager to hear the words that will pour effortlessly off my tongue--but in order to get there, I need to spend some quality time behind the lectern.

About 7 or 8 years ago I was called up to a lectern to speak to a couple hundred guests at a fundraiser for my agency. I was to join a colleague in encouraging the attendees to register for a 5K/10K we were organizing as another avenue of fundraising. I was informed of this little debut about 30 minutes before we were to take the stage. In the minutes before we took the stage, I felt my stomach knot and flutter; I began to sweat (not a good thing when you are attending a black-tie affair); and I felt my mouth dry up as if I had just swallowed a glassful of sawdust, not wine. By the time it was our turn, I felt I had eaten one of those mushrooms Alice sampled in Wonderland as the my perception of the ballroom had been bizarrely altered!

Everyone's eyes had become as enormous as the salad plates in front of them and the sounds around me had slowed down to resemble an album playing at 16 rpm on my parents' old record player. My legs moved sluggishly as my colleague, Jeannie, half-carried me up to the podium. I could barely see the audience beyond the microphone as it had grown to the size of a watermelon and seemed to have a spotlight from heaven shining down upon it. I remember Jeannie happily chattered away and with ease; she informed the group of our upcoming event like a seasoned talk show host. In slow motion, she turned to me with an encouraging smile as if to say, "Go ahead, your turn." I leered at her as my lips and face had become frozen and then I quavered and squawked something into the microphone. Who knows what I said? My brain ceased functioning and no matter how hard I try to recall those minutes that seemed like hours, I have no idea what really transpired. I do remember I nearly bolted back to my seat in relief as the guests politely applauded. I silently vowed never to experience THAT again. Since then I shied away from any opportunity to speak in front of groups larger than 8. But this is my year to shrink my fear down to a more manageable size.

Thankfully, my listeners this afternoon were attentive, encouraging and wonderful and they helped me chip a pretty good-sized chunk off that bad-boy today. The group as a whole provided me with fantastic feedback and my evaluator gave me some wonderful tips and advice. Everyone needs support when they are trying something new that stretches them beyond their comfort zone, and for me, my Toastmaster's group provides me with just that.

As a life coach, I help my clients venture beyond their comfort zone as well. My clients receive my support and encouragement as we move together through the scary but exhilarating spots in their life. Together we address their inner critic and I encourage them to also take that polar bear plunge into freedom!

Today was an exhilarating day! It feels so good to move beyond a perceived roadblock. The Toastmaster General made my day when he presented me with the blue ribbon for the best speech as voted by the group! Today Toastmaster's/Tomorrow Oprah!

Thought for the Day: Who helps you move beyond your fears? Who provides you with encouragement and helpful feedback so you can progress more quickly to where you want to be? Identify a fear you would like to conquer. How can this person help you take steps to overcome that fear? Don't let your fears hold you back from fully embracing life!

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."--Dale Carnegie

Cape Cod-Aholic

This post comes a few days early as tomorrow morning, dark and early, my husband and I will board an east-bound plane and jet on over to the beautiful city of Boston for a 2-hour drive down to Cape Cod. This is a spur of the moment weekend getaway and, am I psyched! My husband has taught a course at one of the research institutes in Woods Hole for nearly 20 years and the quaint New England town has become a home away from home for me and my family each summer. Woods Hole is a postage-sized village with not much more to offer tourists than a t-shirt shop, a few restaurants, a post office and a couple of ice cream shops. It has a drawbridge in the center of town which goes up each hour during the day to let the boats out of Eel Pond (yes, there are eels) and out to the Hole. Most people who have come to the Cape are familiar with Woods Hole because it is the boarding point for the ferry to Martha's Vineyard.

Each year just as soon as we tearfully pull away from our rental cottage in August, I begin counting down the days til we impersonate the Beverly Hillbillies and load the car with luggage, kid, dogs and bikes to make our pilgrimage to the Cape in June. Woods Hole is one of those magical, timeless places that has provided a safe harbor for me and my family over the years of transition and life passages: new jobs, new baby, moving from California to Texas, and healing from loss. I look to Woods Hole as a place of soul-healing and rejuvination.

Summer marks a huge chunk of "Me Time" as well as family time. I pick vegetables with my friend, Victoria, at the organic farm, make strawberry jam back home at the cottage and scour the beach in the morning with the dog hunting for the summer's collection of seaglass. At night my family and I participate in activities in town or play boardgames by candlelight or read through the stacks of books we have hoarded all winter in anticipation of the down-time of summer. I drift off to sleep at night serenaded by the low moan from Nobska Lighthouse, warning the boats of the partially submerged jagged rocks. I have made what I hope to be life-long friends there. On our great runs through Beebe Woods and along the Shining Path Bikeway, Robin, Beth and I have used the roads and paths to share triumphs, sift through difficulties, solicit advice and share tears and laughter as we pound out the miles in unison. I savor each and every day in our little Village.

In this month's issue of Health Magazine, a poll of readers indicated 98% of women believe "Me Time" is essential to their health but most said they can't find it--much less use it. I am not surprised by this finding as most of my coaching clients either complain they don't have time for themselves or feel guilty for taking time for themselves from their family. So many women focus on fulfilling every obligation and commitment to everyone else but themselves. What I gently point out to my clients is:

1) It's okay to be selfish. I am not referring to "ME-ME-ME! and only ME!" kind of selfish. Rather, I encourage my clients to take care of themselves first. Kind of like the financial advice of "pay yourself first." An article in Health opens with an example of when the flight attendants warn that if you are traveling with kids and the cabin loses pressure causing the little yellow masks drop down, you are to place your own mask on your face FIRST, then focus on the kids. You won't be much good to the kids if you are unconscious in the aisles, right? You need to care for yourself in order to maintain your physical and psychological health.

2) No matter what you do, it will never be enough. Got that? There will always be a need that someone will want you to fulfill. Get in the habit of saying "Yes" to the things you want to say "Yes" to and "No" to everything else. This is incredibly hard for some people, but unless you assert yourself and your own needs, you will continue to feel overwhelmed, out of control and exhausted.

3) Change your attitude regarding the "Me Time" and think of it as your job. You don't question whether to go to work (unless you are unhappy there too--yet another reason to hire a life coach!) because it is a habit that has been reinforced over time. Think about taking care of your own needs with the same attitude and commitment. Go to the gym on a regular basis, take an extra 15 minutes and enjoy a cup of tea, go to a movie, take a long soak in the tub, attend a yoga class...Whatever it is, just do it--your body depends on it and you will be a better partner, friend, parent and coworker because of it!

The above suggestions are but a handful of tips to create your "Me Time." There are plenty of other ways to ensure your time. The biggest step is to assert your own needs. Honor yourself and honor your needs. You will be a healthier and happier person for it.

So tomorrow I am leaving on a jet plane to get a sneak peek at my exquisite summer "Me Time"-land with my hubby. I've already packed the book and my running shoes--tomorrow night by this time I will be scrunching cold sand between my toes, feeling the sea breeze on my skin while cuddling with my guy, listening to that fog horn blow! I can't wait!

Think About It: Look at the three suggestions above and apply at least one of them to your own life this week. Just think of how good you will feel when you prioritize yourself!

"I need to take an emotional breath, step back and remind myself who's actually in charge of my life." --Judith Knowlton

Spring Is In The Air

I write this entry after a great run with my dog, Zeebo. One of the definite perks of living in San Antonio is running in early March in a t-shirt and shorts. A friend of mine lives in Duluth and I have thought of her each night this week as I watch the TV weatherman circle his arms and gesture animatedly over the arctic weather still swirling about in the crazy-cold regions of her state. Here in San Antonio we are beginning to experience the first hints of Spring--wildflowers are starting to bloom along the roadside, the air hints at the blossoming mountain laurel and the squirrels are out in force, driving my dog nuts. I am fortunate to live near a wooded trail which serves as a great meditative place for me while I run or walk and offers endless opportunity for adventure for Zeebo--squirrels to chase, armadillos (yes, armadillos!) to sniff out and countless bushes to, as a neighbor says, check on his "pee-mail."

For me, Spring signals a time of emergence: the beautiful mornings and warm days beckon us to come play; to go outside and bask in the beauty of the day. Remember back in elementary school when math class seemed endless during this season? You longed to be outside scrambling up the jungle gym or pumping your legs and arms hard on the playground swing. Spring also signals a time of letting go of the old stuff to make room for the new. Who hasn't been caught up in some form of Spring cleaning in the past? The animals in my household are busy shedding their winter fur to lighten up for the warm months ahead. Spring is also the time when some folks begin to take stock of the hibernation weight they padded on over the cold nights of winter. They scan their calendars with alarm in the realization that summer is only 16 WEEKS away and they too, should "lighten" up for the soaring temperatures ahead.

Many well-intentioned folks vow to really and truly begin an exercise program this month. "This is it," they say, "I am going to lose this spare tire before June 1" and they really mean what they say. They start their exercise regime, throw out the cookies and chips and stock up on fruits, veggies and whole wheat crackers. All is good for a while, but similar to what happens a few weeks after New Year's, many people plop back on the couch, snack away on buttery microwave popcorn while cheering a team on TV engaged in exercise, and later that night, feel crummy about not being able to stick with a plan to get healthy.

So what happens?

Since I won't propose to know each and every person's reasons for not being able to stick to such a plan without being able to talk with them about their own issues, as a life coach, what I can do is offer three examples of what sidelines many people and offer you suggestions so as not to fall prey to the same things. This is by no means an exhaustive suggestion list, just some ideas for you to consider as you tackle your own spring shedding!

1) Most folks approach weight loss from the standpoint of diet and they seek quick fixes to their habits of lifestyle. Many people want to produce speedy results. Our culture of convenience has primed us for impatience and the pursuit of instant gratification--we want things NOW: fast food, movies on demand, email, cell phones, pagers, you know what I am talking about. So we ask, why should weight loss be any different, right? It is possible to lose weight quickly with restrictive diets and diet pills, but studies show that the majority of people who use such approaches to weight loss, gain it all back within the year AND THEN SOME. No thanks!

Instead, I encourage my coaching clients to focus their attention on creating a healthy lifestyle. When one begins to make choices towards health, meaning increasing one's activity, making better food choices (read: cutting out the fast foods and most things wrapped in a plastic wrapper!), and making room for pleasure and fun, what typically happens is one loses weight in the process. Just as it took months and years to pack on the extra pounds, it will take time to melt it away as well. Realize this: When you are not obsessed with an elusive number on your bathroom scale, but rather intent on increasing your life satisfaction and experience, the weight will begin to disappear! Really!

2) Some people "bite off more than they can chew," as my mom would say. Mom was likely talking about something else, but I am going to use it for this example. Let's say "Irene" has set a great goal to lose 30 lbs. in order to improve her fitness, agility and overall health. This is a wonderful goal, but where the problem enters in is she has set her "due date" for 3 months from now. This means Irene will have to lose 10 lbs each month--quite a bit to ask over the course of a 3-month period. Chances are she will be unable to stick with the schedule and then she will become discouraged and disheartened over her progress. Instead, what I suggest is to focus on SMART goals. SMART is an acronym for: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-Based. To use our goal of a 30 lbs of weight loss as an example, what might be better goal is to lose 1 inch (Measurable, Achievable and Realistic) over the course of 8 weeks (Time-Based). You want to set a goal that is challenging but not defeating. This way, any loss over that goal is BONUS, and who doesn't love bonuses?

3) Sometimes people force themselves to do something they don't enjoy so they begin to dread the activity and associate negative feelings with the experience. This is a sticky one to explain, but here goes. What we know about exercise is that it is good for us: it builds muscle, improves circulation, helps prevent some diseases and makes us feel good. There is a wide variety of opinions as to how much exercise we need each week, ranging from 3-4 times a week of moderate activity to 6 days a week of hard sweating. We know that aerobic exercise is good (running, biking, etc.) because when you engage in an activity that makes you sweat over a period of time, say 30 minutes, you are burning calories as well as making your heart stronger. Next, we know that strength exercises are good (pumping iron and weight-resistance activities) because they help build muscle and strengthen our weight bearing bones. Weight training is particularly important for women as we lose 1% of bone mass each year after the age of 40 and it increases to 2% each year after menopause. (Isn't it ironic that after 40 we actually do lose something without trying, but in this case, we are losing something we definitely don't want to lose?)

Where some folks become disinterested in improving their health is they force themselves to participate in a class or activity that doesn't excite them nor keep them motivated. It's hard to keep showing up at the gym for a class you dread each and every time. What I suggest is this: Figure out the aerobic exercises you enjoy and do those! Experiment: try out spinning, swimming, skating, jump rope, hop scotch, salsa dancing (see previous post), whatever gets you going--mix it up and make it fun! In my book, if you are sweating for 30 minutes at a stretch, it counts! Introduce variety--anyone would get in a rut doing the same thing day in and day out. If weight training doesn't ring your bell, figure out how to do it with a partner or hire a trainer to get you through. You only need to do the weight training twice a week for great results and to reap the benefits. The important thing is you need to be active and strong to be able to live a healthy life and isn't that the kind of life we all want for as long as possible?

So you now have some healthwise food for thought regarding your fitness approach this Spring. All in all, the message is: make healthy choices, increase your activity level and above all, increase your level of life satisfaction.

- Create change in your lifestyle, not just your life for this month.

- Make some room in your busy day for some sweaty play!

Spring is sproinging and it's beckoning you outdoors. Throw on your sweats, lace up your sneaks, slather on the sunscreen, grab a water and step on outside! Pretend the bell has rung and you've just been let out for recess!

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For those of you who would like some additional support in shedding those hibernation inches, I am offering a course mid-March entitled "Get Off the Couch and Hop On Board!" This is a fun 6 week course held over the telephone or, for those of you in San Antonio, live at Alegria Body work and Day Spa. Log onto my website for more info! Also, this month's free ezine began a two-part series on health and fitness. Subscribe on my website and receive the ezine each month in your inbox!

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. --Aristotle