Everybody Needs a Friend

A few months ago a coach forwarded a link to me for a most unlikely pair of friends, a 130 year old Aldabran tortoise named Mzee, and a 600 hundred lb. baby hippo named Owen. The story of how the two met is both heartwarming and true and goes like this.

Once upon a time there was a baby hippo who lived with his family on the coast of Africa. At the same time, there was an ancient tortoise named Mzee (Swahili for "wise old man") who lived in an animal sanctuary near Kenya. On December 26, 2003 an enormous tidal wave rose up from the ocean and swept across parts of Asia killing hundreds of thousands of people and scores of animals. Twelve hours later, the tidal wave hit the coast of Africa. Days before the horrific tsunami, torrential rains had swollen the Sabali River and swept a family of hippos out to sea. The residents of the town, Malindi, tried in vain to urge the family back up the estuary. When the Tsunami hit Malindi, the hippos disappeared and were forgotten as all efforts went to rescuing stranded fishermen. The next day only one hippo could be seen, a baby, mired in the muddy reef. Hundreds of people came to watch the efforts to rescue the baby hippo. It took ropes, boats, nets and cars--though the hippo was tired he was still fast and slippery. It took a rugby tackle to finally capture him, and the cheering crowd named the hippo for his rescuer. Owen was taken to the same animal refuge where Mzee lives. The frightened Owen took one look at Mzee and ran to him, hiding behind his massive shell, just as he would have done had Mzee been a mother hippo. Mzee was a bit startled but after a couple of days, the unlikely couple bonded and have since been inseparable. Mzee taught the dehydrated and ill Owen how to eat and Owen has taught the solitary Mzee how to accept and enjoy companionship. They helped each other despite the fact that they were creatures of different species, ages and sizes. Three years later, Owen and Mzee continue to spend their days together in the pond, feeding and patrolling. Owen nudges Mzee to come for walks, and Mzee sometimes even follows Owen. A female hippo named Chloe has been added to their enclosure to help Owen learn to socialize with hippos.

Friends add incredible dimension to our lives. They are there to help us celebrate our successes and accomplishments, and they are there with hugs and words of encouragement when we experience the rough spots in life. It's likely you've experienced the tender relief that follows when your friend has set time aside to listen as your pour your heart out to him or her. Having a strong network of supportive friends has been associated with lower levels of stress, increased longevity and increased levels of life satisfaction and happiness. Studies on social support show that having one or two close and supportive friends is at least as valuable to emotional health as having a large group of friendly acquaintances or more shallow friendships. Also studies show that a sense of belonging is extremely important for emotional health and well-being; those who have social support but don't feel a sense of belonging are much more likely to suffer from depression. Additionally, people who have a strong network of friends or at least one close friendship recover from illness or surgery faster and with fewer complications. In a Yale University study of 194 heart attack patients, those who reported emotional support were three times more likely to be alive six months after their attack than subjects who had no support. In a study at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburg, researchers rounded up 276 volunteers, dripped cold viruses into their noses, and then quarantined them for five days. Subjects who had a wide range of friends and acquaintances had one-fourth the chance of catching a cold as those whose social networks were minimal. It is likely that Owen survived his incredible ordeal partly due to the connection he made with Mzee.

Is your social support network as strong as you would like? If not, what changes can you make to move it in the direction of your choosing? Making new friends can be exciting or intimidating, depending on your personality and your circumstances, but ultimately it is rewarding. Here are some thoughts to help you meet new people who might become your friends. Remember, you have to go to the places where others are gathered and often the hardest thing about going out and doing anything in the community is doing it for the first time. It's hard for everyone. Push through those hard feelings and go. Most of the time, you will be glad you did.

Attend a support group. Support groups are a great way to make new friends. It could be a group for people who have similar health issues or life challenges, or a group for people of the same age or sex.

Participate in community activities like sporting events, theatrical productions, concerts, art shows, poetry readings, book signings, civic groups, special interest groups, and political meetings. Take a course or join a church. Let yourself be seen and known in the community. If money is a problem, consider going to your local library and looking in the newspaper for listings of free events. Spend time in places that are free, like a local bookstore with couches where you can sit and read for a while. You will have a feeling of connection even without any dialogue with others.

Volunteer. Strong connections often are formed when people work together on projects of mutual concern. When volunteering, you are already with a group of people with a common interest. You could help out at a soup kitchen, read to children in day care, visit people in nursing homes, deliver flowers in the hospital, or serve on a political or social action committee. You could bring snacks for the other volunteers and arrange a time to get together and eat with them for more social contact.

Reaching out to establish a friendship sometimes happens simply and casually. At other times, it takes special effort. If you feel you need and want to take some action so a person you have met becomes a friend, you could:

Ask the person to join you at a cafe for coffee or lunch, to go for a walk, or to engage in some other activity with you. Or call the person on the phone to share a piece of good news you think they might be intereted in. If a phone call is intimidating, send a short, friendly e-mail and see if they respond.

Think about the amazing friendship between Mzee and Owen. Don't discount someone as a potential friend simply because their lifestyle, social status or life experience is different from that of your own. You may surprise yourself and develop a deep and rich friendship with your own Mzee!

Thought for the Day: What can you do this week to build or strengthen your social connections with others?

"Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.
All you have to do is call my name
and I'll be there. You've got a friend." --James Taylor

Marching the Dream

Yesterday my daughter, her friend, my stepdaughter and I braved an unusually bitter-cold morning to join several thousand people to walk nearly three miles in unity and to honor Martin Luther King, Jr. My husband wanted to join us, but a water leak in a bathroom the night before had him chillin’ with the plumber all day. Last year’s march became one of the largest in the country when 100,000 people participated, but this year a rare blast of arctic weather kept many San Antonians off the streets in lieu of the comfort of their warm and toasty beds. This was the first time my girls and I marched together and for me, it was the granting of the first of my many birthday wishes. I have always been proud to have been born on the same day as the man who reminded the world that we are to respect and love one another, no matter the color of skin one is born with and I believe he influenced my thoughts and my life in many ways.

I was around 7 or 8 when I first heard of Martin Luther King, Jr. and because we shared the same birth date, I was intrigued to learn more about him and his life’s work. I remember being horrified to learn of the cruelty people could mount on each other simply because of the color of another’s skin. I remember experiencing confusion and anger as I read about the horrific and inhumane acts of the Klan in the south. As I read about the struggles of Dr. King, Rosa Parks, SNCC and the countless others who placed their lives at risk to bring justice and equality to their towns and the country as a whole, I remember feeling physically ill at the thought of grown-ups treating each other with such disrespect and hatred. When I saw the photos of the Little Rock 9, as they bravely and proudly stepped through the crowd of hostile and ugly protestors and launched the first day of desegregation in Arkansas, I wondered how the adults in the picture missed the classic Sunday School lesson of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” No one deserved to be treated with such cruelty and it was likely then that I made the decision to help people achieve a better life when I grew up. I remember crying as I read about the assassinations of King, Evers, and later seeing the senseless deaths of the Kennedy brothers and John Lennon on television—could the dream of peace be silenced by a round of bullets launched on a trajectory of hatred?

The march represents so much for our country and for each and every one of us. On January 15 we honored and remembered a great leader and his message of peace, nonviolence and equal treatment for different races. We remembered his message and once again realize that it should not be forgotten nor taken for granted. Although we have come far since the early years of the American civil rights movement, I wish I could say that 40 years after Dr. King’s death the diseases of racism and inequality were successfully eradicated, much like mumps and measles in the States. And as the war in Iraq continues to escalate and our president announces his plan to deploy another 28,000 young men and women to war, I wish I could say with pride that nonviolence was status quo for our country. Unfortunately, the United States still has quite a ways to go, but I hold out hope that when my young daughter is my age we will be much closer to becoming a peaceful, color-blind nation.

Thought for the Day: Martin Luther King encouraged us to stand up and join hands in support of peaceful, humanitarian evolution. What can you do in your life this week to nurture and incorporate more love and peace in your home and community? What conversations can you have with your children about acceptance, love and respect of others so that as they grow they will live and germinate the message of Dr. King?

“I refuse to believe that mankind is so bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daylight of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.” MLK

Opening Up

I am in the midst of reading a new-to-me book entitled "Opening Up--The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions" by psychologist James Pennebaker. This book was recommended to me as required reading by Barbara Woods, the psychologist from whom I am receiving training in biofeedback. For the past couple of months, I have been immersed in reading about the benefits biofeedback, meditation, hypnotherapy, and emotional disclosure can have on our psychological and physical health. It has been a wonderfully enlightening experience and I feel that everything I am absorbing will make me a better therapist and coach to my clients as I have always believed in the mind-body connection of health and wellness.

So what is it about this book that is so interesting? Pennebaker writes about how putting emotionally upsetting experiences into words can affect your thoughts, feelings and physical health. Pennebaker has explored the nature of self-disclosure and it's impact on physical health. When we are able to translate events into words, this action affects the brain and immune functioning. Incredibly, the words we use to describe the trauma or unpleasant events can either be spoken or written--both forms have the power to improve our health.

Think about it--when we talk to others or participate in a group we feel connected to another person or persons and often feel better about ourselves. Your mind and body relax in response to sharing information about yourself. This is why getting together with friends over lunch, attending support group meetings or participating in workout groups are so very effective in helping us cope with stressors or achieve our goals. Incredibly, when we translate our experiences into words, the disclosure process itself, may be as important as the feedback we get from others with regard to what we have disclosed.

We all need to feel heard and listened to. When I first became a child psychologist I did so, partly because as a child I often did not feel "heard." Not that my parents followed the doctrine that "children should be seen and not heard," rather, as an only child growing up in a household with busy parents working to make ends meet, I often did not feel that my thoughts and ideas were important. So when it was time for me to choose an area of specialty for my internship, I gravitated toward children and adolescents because I felt that I could be available to them to listen to their ideas and concerns. Since then I have branched out to be available to adults and couples to help them navigate through their difficult or challenging times.

You most certainly have experienced the exquisite sense of relief that follows when you have "gotten something off your chest," right? Talking cures have been around for along time and encompass many cultures. Medical healing ceremonies in Native American, African and Asian cultures typically involved some form of confession or disclosure of secrets by the person who was to be healed. In our culture we have priests, rabbis, therapists, physicians, hairdressers, masseuses, and other professionals whose role is to hold another's disclosure in order to help them be released and move forward. Many people tell me that they have experienced complete strangers confiding personal secrets to them while on airplanes or waiting at bus stops. Perhaps as you read this entry, you recall an instance where you told a complete stranger something very personal and experienced a sense of relief after the disclosure.

Pennebaker writes about the stress our bodies experience when we inhibit or hold back expressing our thoughts and feelings. Holding onto such stress has been implicated in psychological disorders such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder and health disorders such as ulcers, hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, headache, back pain, immune disorders and some cancers. Research has suggested that when people write or talk about emotional events, reductions in blood pressure, muscle tension and skin conductance occur during or immediately following the disclosure. In one study, Pennebaker and another psychologist, Janice Kiecolt-Glaser studied immune functioning on two groups of subjects who were asked to write for 20 minutes each day for 4 consecutive days. One group was to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings concerning a trauma, while the other group were expected to write about a superficial topic. What the researchers found was that those who wrote about their traumatic experience had heightened immune functioning compared to those who wrote about superficial topics. Even more interesting, the effect persisted six weeks after the study was finished!

Do you need to have experienced a trauma in your life to benefit? No! However, if you are ruminating or thinking about a current issue in your life that is taking up space in your head or keeping you awake at night, then writing about it can help to resolve it in your mind. Conversely, if you have experienced a trauma in your life that you have not shared with someone because of embarrassment or shame, express it on paper--release it from your head and allow the healing to take place.

Pennebaker writes that whatever your topic, (1) explore the objective experience (i.e., what happened) and (2) record your feelings about it. That is, write about what you feel about the issue or concern and why you feel the way you do about it. Dr. Woods, my mentor, adds another component which I have, in turn, suggested to my clients: Once you have written about the what and why, then write about what you have learned from the experience. Learning occurs when we are able to make a change in our behavior or thoughts as a result of understanding our experience. When you have given yourself permission to express and acknowledge your feelings (either to another person or within the privacy of your journal), you then give yourself permission to learn and allow your body and spirit to heal.

Thought for the Day: Purchase a journal and begin to write in it each day for 15-20 minutes. Write about your experiences, your thoughts and what you have learned. After you have spent some time writing, reflect on how your body and mind feels now that you have acknowledged your thoughts and allowed them a place outside of your head.

"A flow of words doth ever ease the heart of sorrows;
it is like opening the waste weir when the mill dam is overfull.
Come, sit thou here beside me and speak at thine ease."
--Howard Pyle, The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood

Pay it Forward in 2007

The promise of a New Year offers us a clean slate to renew vows and declarations of change. Now is the time when just about everyone is thinking about the changes they want to make in their lives over the coming months--some will be successful while others will revert back to their old habits and behaviors before it's time to flip the calendar over to February. The most-cited New Year's resolutions by Americans have to do with external events such as getting a better job, reducing debt, making a change in health habits or weight management. While these resolutions are worthwhile and valuable, I encourage you to consider adding one more to your list: "In 2007 I resolve to be a better person. I resolve to progress, grow and evolve in my personal and spiritual growth."

So often we get caught up in measuring our progress (or lack thereof) in extrinsic things such as numbers or items: purchases, inches, and pounds. This year I challenge you to commit to nurturing your own inner development. Make 2007 the year you cultivate mindfulness, patience, love, acceptance and peace. Make this the year you attract the same into your life. Just imagine the positive impact on you, your family and community if you were to strive to be a more kind and compassionate person. Below are some ideas to make 2007 the year you:

* Reach outside of yourself and volunteer in your town or community. You have gifts and skills that would enrich another's life. Help build homes for those less privileged. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Step outside of your protected safety zone and help the person nearby who would appreciate your actions.
* Become proactive in your local or national government. If your government isn't representing your voice, raise it so it can be heard!
* Do something positive for the environment. Start a recycling bin if you don't already recycle or volunteer to clean up the roadsides and public waterways. Educate yourself about the effects of global warming and make changes in your household.
* Identify a charity whose mission resonates with you and give of your time or make a monetary contribution.
* Do 1 kind thing each day such as open a door, offer a hug, visit a friend, send a "just thinking about you" email or note, be tolerant, smile at a stranger.
* Offer assistance to a family or individual in need that you read about in your local paper.
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"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into a flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light."
--Albert Schweitzer
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What's In It For Me?
It's likely you have heard the the adage "Do unto others" and you may
have witnessed the Grinch's heart transformation as he changed his ways toward the Whos in Who-ville, but does engaging in kind acts really make a difference? Stanford psychologists found that the kindness effect is no myth. Subjects who performed five acts of kindness per week over six weeks reported higher levels of happiness than those who performed five acts of kindness in one day. The Stanford psychologists found that good deeds are actually the direct cause of an increase in personal well-being.

Author, Allan Luks states in his book "The Healing Power of Doing Good: The Health and Spiritual Benefits of Helping Others," that adopting an altruistic lifestyle is a critical component to mental and physical health and helping others can diminish the effects of some psychological and physical disorders. Acts of kindness provide:
A heightened sense of well being
A sense of exhilaration and euphoria
An increase in energy
A feeling of being healthy
Decreased feelings of loneliness, depression and helplessness
A sense of connectedness with others
A greater sense of calmness and relaxation
Increased longevity
Better weight control
An improvement in insomnia
A stronger immune system
A reduction in pain
Increased body warmth
A healthier cardiovascular system (reduction of high blood pressure,
improved circulation, reduced coronary disease)
A reduction of excessive stomach acid
A decrease of oxygen requirement
Relief from arthritis and asthma
Speedier recovery from surgery
Reduced cancer activity

So the bottom line is that not only will you benefit psychologically from being kind and compassionate, but your health will improve as well!
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How Does It Work?
Dr Herbert Benson, a Harvard cardiologist and author of "The Relaxation Response" states that when we help others it allows us to 'forget one's self'. Another reason is that when we carry out an act of kindness, our body rewards us by creating a 'feel good' sensation, which boosts self esteem and well being. This experience has been termed the helper's high. The response is triggered when the body manufactures chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins are naturally occurring morphine-like substances that create a feeling of well-being within us. In addition to creating a feel good experience, they also help to reduce the intensity of any pain messages being sent to the brain.
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The Ripple Effect
When you choose to become a kinder person, you are not only improving the well being and health of yourself but also those you come into contact with. Your kindness has a ripple effect. It has the magical ability of causing even those who have witnessed the act to spontaneously feel good. When you make the decision to be a kinder person, you are effectively bringing about positive social change. Author Allan Luks states, "The new knowledge about [the beneficial effects of] helping others holds the power to affect not only the health of the individual, but the health of our entire, tension-ridden society". When we act kindly, others are nicer to us in return. Those who witness altruism pass it on to others. So this year start the wheels in motion, and as my friend says "BE THE CHANGE!"
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"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single minute before starting to improve the world."
--Anne Frank