Butterfly Lessons

Here in South Texas we are experiencing an invasion of sorts--butterflies of various kinds have been swarming, floating, alighting and flitting around town over the past couple months. In my view, this is one of the perks of living in Texas: With our warm and mild autumn, San Antonio falls directly in the path of several spectacular migration routes. It's a magical experience to be caught in the eye of a gentle tornado of butterflies. They seem to come in waves--floating in the sky nearly as high as one can see, gently billowed by the wind on their course through the neighborhood. While on my usual walk with the dogs this morning, I believe I saw five different varieties of butterfly. Although I am not an entomologist and I am sometimes unsure about the difference between a moth and a butterfly, I did recognize the much-aligned, snout-nosed butterfly and a monarch fluttering among the oak trees.

Butterflies have a limited life span, some flutter on this planet for only 20-40 days. On my dog-walk this morning, it occurred to me that the butterflies represent opportunity which comes our way at different points in our lives. Often opportunity lies dormant for months or years, coming to fruition behind the scenes or out of view until one day, it bursts forth in a blaze of showy iridescence. Sometimes we are conscious and aware of it's portent arrival on the scene, while other times we are too preoccupied with worry or habits to look up and acknowledge that which is floating right in front of our faces. Some people struggle to take advantage of an opportunity which presents itself to them, while others look in all the wrong places for their opportunity or chance to change their lives.

Some folks are unwilling to put forth energy to seize an opportunity unless it is certain to reap benefits. Remember the "butterfly effect?" This phrase refers to the idea that the flap of a butterfly's wings in, say, San Antonio, creates tiny changes in the atmosphere that ultimately may cause a storm to appear on the opposite side of the world. The flapping wing represents a small change in the initial condition of a system, which creates a chain of events leading to larger-scale events. And if the butterfly did not flap it's wings, the outcome of the larger-scale events may have been vastly different. To apply this to life, one can never be certain about the effect of karma on a particular interaction or conversation. What I find in my own life is that the greatest gifts of opportunity come when I least expect them.

Some people landscape their environment to attract butterflies into their yards. These individuals plant the right flowers and shrubs to attract the butterflies into their visual range and into their lives. In the same vein, some people do what they can to attract opportunity and abundance into their lives through their positive thinking, openness and curiosity about the world around them. If something isn't working, then they shift their approach until they receive what they need or desire--they plant the flowering shrub that will attract opportunity into their lives.

In contrast, I have spoken with people who feel that "nothing ever goes their way" in life. Upon deeper exploration, often I discover that these are the folks who approach their relationships with others and their environment with an attitude of pessimism and defeat. Their yards, so to speak, are devoid of any inviting flora in which to attract beauty and abundance into their lives. So, depending on our relationship, as a coach or as a therapist, I work with such people to help them "re-landscape" their inner thoughts which will then translate, over time, into a more welcoming garden where opportunity and joy can flourish. When you learn how to change your perspective on issues or concerns and approach problems with a different attitude, you shift your energy into a more positive place and you begin to see the results around you. When you let go of pessimism and embrace empowering thoughts and behaviors, then you open up your visual field to acknowledge and experience the beauty and opportunity around you!

So the butterfly lessons are these:
- Pick up your head, open your eyes and acknowledge and embrace the
opportunities around you. Take advantage of them because they may not
stick around for long!
- If you feel your environment is lacking, be proactive and plant what you
need in order to attract opportunity and abundance into your life.
- Don't discount the power of an interaction or conversation with another.
One "flap" of such a wing could lead to something big!

Thought for the Day: What can you do to attract some beauty and opportunity into your life through the butterfly effect? What do you need to plant in your own life to cultivate some opportunity for change?

"Just like the butterfly, I too will awaken in my own time."
~Deborah Chaskin

Home for the Hellidays--Not!

Over the next weeks families will begin to plan to migrate to each other's homes to gather in celebration of the holidays. There is so much expectation around the holidays: Everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly and all family members are supposed to love spending time together. The reality is that it can be an extremely stressful time.

I have heard the holidays referred to as the Terrible Toos: too much expectation, too many visitors and family members, and too many obligations. Stressors increase around the holidays due to many factors including: over-commercialism, family members coming together who perhaps don't get along, increased stress and fatigue. For some folks it is a difficult time due to increased feelings of depression, SAD or loss. We have shorter days and less sunshine which can affect the moods of some people. There is often the reunion syndrome stressors: From competition over who has the best job, who's dating, to who's having a baby. For folks who may not have had such a great year, there may be some embarrassment about getting together with family members.

In preparation for my appearance on the morning show this morning on Magic 105.3 FM, I wrote this little acronym to keep your holiday gathering from turning into a turkey! By following these steps you will communicate your needs with yourself and others and you will be showing up to the family gathering as an adult. You will be taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions and perhaps respond to family triggers in a different manner.

Take things in stride. Try to allow some of the stressors to slide off of you like Teflon rather than attaching to you like Velcro. Realize that the gathering is likely stressful for everyone on some level. The kids may be overexcited and tired; some family members may not travel well and may be fatigued from the airport experience. The host family may be exhausted before they even open the door to welcome the first guest because of the preparation and cooking. Acknowledge that everyone may not be showing up at the door at their shining best--cut yourself and them some slack.

Understand that the holidays will not magically repair fractured relationships nor resolve long-standing issues. Just because everyone in the Norman Rockwell paintings and in holiday movies appear to live happily ever after, does not mean that your family issues will be resolved by the end of the holiday gathering. Also the holiday gathering is not the best time to bring a long-standing issue up for resolution. It's best to choose another time where you can discuss the issue in privacy without everyone and their brother getting involved.

Remember to take care of yourself in terms of maintaining exercise, proper nutrition and sleep. When we are stressed we tend to let go of healthy habits: We don't sleep well, we overeat or over-drink and over spend--and then we kick ourselves and feel more anxious or depressed by our actions. This year, set yourself up for success by creating a plan for healthy eating and self-care. This is particularly true if you have any medical or psychological difficulties. If you are diabetic, have high blood pressure or you have been diagnosed with depression or some other psychological issue, it is especially important that you continue to be responsible for your well-being. Ignoring your health needs will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Keep things in perspective and be kind to yourself. If you are feeling stressed out by the hours or days of being held captive by relatives, then periodically remove yourself from the situation for short respites: Take a walk, go into the bathroom for some deep breathing exercises--do what you need in order to take care of yourself to regain a sense of calm. This step is also important if you are recovering from the death of a loved one or other loss such as divorce or separation. The holidays trigger memories of times spent with your loved one and can intensify feelings of loneliness and sadness. Talk with others about your feelings or seek out services from a mental health professional if you feel you are having difficulty coping with your loss.

Enjoy the experience in the here and now rather than focusing on the past or on what the gathering "should" be. Focus on what you want to get out of the experience--maybe make a plan ahead of time to spend more time playing with your nieces and nephews rather than arguing politics with your Uncle Fred. Think about the choices you can implement to make the experience a positive one for yourself.

Say "Yes" to the things you want to participate in and "No" to those that will overextend your emotions, finances or time. Set some boundaries for yourself and be clear to yourself and others about your limits.

Armed with these strategies you will be certain to fly through the holidays with less stress and tension and, who knows, you may actually find yourself looking forward to the next family gathering!

Thought for the Day: Start using this acronym this week--long before the stressors of the holidays begin. Let me know if following these guidelines helps you to enjoy your family gathering this season!

"You don't choose your family.
They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
--Desmond Tutu