The Ghost of Christmas Past

Here it is a few days before Christmas and I am experiencing some holiday sadness. As a psychologist I am familiar with the topsy-turvy feelings that can arise around the holidays. I have helped many grieving families cope with the loss of loved ones and navigate through the sadness and loneliness that can surface during significant holidays. As a coach, I have helped clients set their sights on what they want to overcome and achieve, whether that be moving closer toward balance in their lives following divorce or expanding their social life following the death of a spouse.

As a sister, today was my day to navigate through those rocky and ragged waves of grief and loss. As you have come to know me through my previous posts, I am usually a pretty upbeat and optimistic individual. But even positive folks get the blues once in a while. Not to bring you down, but I am writing about this in order to process what is going on for me as well as to let others who may be experiencing similar feelings during this holiday time know that you are not alone.

The thing about grief is it hits you when you are least expecting it--here I am, crusing along through life, getting on with things and moving forward, when BAM! a scene, a scent, or a resemblance to a loved one, knocks me off balance and I am skittering and sliding back into that lonely and dark place of sadness and old memories.

The holidays create the space for joy and excitement to blossom, but also allow melancholy to sidle on up to the bar as well. Over the past several years my husband and I have, along with our fellow baby boomers, become adult orphans--first my father in December 1997, my husband's father the following month, then my mother in the Spring of 1998.

Sixteen months ago, my oldest half-brother, Dwight, abruptly took his own life with a handgun at 61. He was not a person known for depression, but personal circumstances related to a bitter divorce and a profound sense of betrayal apparently exacerbated his own feelings of loss to the point that he no longer wanted to live to see the next day. My family was left shaken and stunned.

The last time I saw Dwight was Christmas 2003. We gathered at my other half-brother, Tom's, farm--my imediate family, along with my cousin, Lindsay, from NYC. My brothers and I were happy to be together as this was the first time we had been together for Christmas since I was a 6 year old child. We spent time telling stories and reminiscing about our parents. We posed for family snapshots. We caught up on the events in each others' lives and relished in just being together once again. We cried and laughed, hugged and shared. For me, it was the Christmas I had dreamed about as a young child--I was a little sister, even if I was 43 at the time, surrounded by my big brothers. I soaked up their attention and brotherly presence like a thirsty sponge. We promised that this would be the beginning of more holiday gatherings.

Following his divorce a year earlier, Dwight had moved to Florida to be near Tom and his family. He appeared to be moving forward on his own voyage toward discovery of a new life. We all were enjoying renewing our relationships with each other--he spent a great deal of time with his grown nieces and he became closer with his brother and sister-in-law. Dwight and I spoke on the phone more during that year than we had in all the previous years combined. He established friendships in his new environment. He met a kind woman and fell in love. When he took his life so suddenly later that summer, we were shocked to our core.

Over the course of the next 16 months, my surviving family has spent time talking, analyzing, second-guessing, reviewing and grieving over his suicide. We have experienced the roller coaster ride of emotions associated with suicide: loss, sorrow, anger, betrayal, guilt and bewilderment. We are now members of the, never-want-to-wish-it-on-anyone, group of survivor families of suicide victims.

A few days from now my family and I are heading back to Florida to spend Christmas with my brother and his family. This will be the first time we have been back since that Christmas two years ago. Over the past couple of weeks, my jittery emotions have been sending signals to my unwilling consciousness--a bit more anxiety, a bit more difficulty with sleep, a bit more unwillingness to just sit still and let the quiet overtake me.

Until today I had not allowed the feelings to break through to the surface. Today I allowed them to bubble and ooze into my day. Today I cried for my mom. Today I cried for my dad. Today I cried for my brother. I let the raw grief reopen my heart. Today I honored the memory of my family now gone.

Tonight as I write this, I feel better--I am no longer trying to distract my heart with busy-work. I allowed the aching, wrenching feelings to flow over and pass through me. That is the other thing about grief--it needs to be expressed and acknowledged for what it is in order for it to pass on it's way to wherever grief goes to await it's next, unexpected, curtain call.

In a few days I will likely cry again as my brother's family, my cousin, and my immediate family reunite on the farm. Christmas will be a bittersweet day with more stories, hugs, laughter and tears. Even so, I am thankful for the opportunity to be with my loved ones and I will cherish the memories that will come from the visit.

I hear a voice come on the wind saying you and I will meet again.
I don't know how, I don't know when but you and I will meet again. --Tom Petty

Stepping Out of the (Shoe)Box

I just returned from a great run with my dog, Zeebo, while wearing my brand-new and comfy running shoes. It was an unusually brisk morning for San Antonio. The temperature gauge told me 37 degrees as I stepped out the door this morning. It is a rare day in Texas to be able to wear leggings, gloves, a windbreaker and ear muffs; I look forward to such days as a wonderful gift. Most Texas running days are are defined as: humid, really humid and, the ever-lovely, hot and humid. At the end of a typical run there is sweat running off places I don't typically think of as having sweat glands. So this morning's experience was a great change of pace, both in terms of the temperature but also in terms of an opportunity to step out of my usual box.

Last week I purchased a new pair of running shoes. Every 4-6 months I realize I am feeling a bit more pavement than usual on my runs and it is time to shell out a small fortune for a new pair. I have been blessed with not too many running injuries, although I have had my share of shinsplints and stress fractures. A couple of years ago my left leg was encased in a bright blue cast for 10 weeks to immobilize my inflamed Achilles tendon. Because of these experiences I have become extremely loyal to one pair of running shoes--Nike Air Pegasus. I have bestowed upon these shoes magical powers of keeping me injury-free because, as true superstition warrants, since I switched to the Nikes I have not had any serious injuries.

So last week I went to my favorite local running store carrying my worn out and road weary Nikes in hand. Carrol, the owner, fitted me for a new pair of the same model.

Hold on--big change!

Not only were the new Nikes neon green, but the tongue of the shoe had been redesigned. It no longer protruded out of the top of the shoe, but was tucked inside where one typically ties a bow. We discussed the design changes and he suggested I try out a couple of other brands. However, being the loyal (ie, stuck) person I was, I chose to stay with the previously tried and true model. Truth be told, while in the store I could feel the shoes were a bit different on my feet but I dismissed this early-warning signal and purchased them anyway.

The next day I laced up and darted out the door with the dog for the morning routine. I made it about one mile when the top of my left foot began to register a sharp, digging pain. It felt as though the seam from the tongue was folded and putting pressure on the top of my foot. Twenty minutes later, I hobble-trotted back to the house and told myself I just needed to relace them and all would be fine. The next morning I relaced the shoes, and repeated the previous day's experience.

Typically my thoughts on a run range from sorting out my day to free-association to enjoying the scenery in the company of my dog. Running is a great way for me to get out of my head and let my thoughts float above me. However, wearing the new Nikes, my attention was totally focused on what was going on below my knees. I questioned my gait, considered the length of my toenails, the thickness of the socks, and the constriction of the laces. All was under scrutiny as possibly providing an explanation for the pain on the top of my left foot. I tried a thicker pair of socks on the next run--same problem--same foot. There was no pain once I took the shoes off, just some redness and tenderness on the bony part of the top of my left foot. Clearly the shoes were not a fit for me any longer.

I spent the next few days trying to convince myself that if I just ignored the pain, it would go away.

I told myself the shoes just needed breaking in (although I had never had this experience with the brand before).

Following my annoyingly painful run yesterday, I brought the shoes back.

Carrol was not in, but Gabriel was gracious and understanding. He offered to fit me for another pair of the same shoes and suggested I try another brand as another option. I was tempted by the offer to make a switch, but stayed true to my brand (some might suggest "stubborn") for another trial. I slipped on another pair of Air Pegasus and jogged hopefully up the store aisles. There was that pain again--Drat! This forced me to realize that the shoe was just not gonna fit--I needed to try something new!

Gabriel brought out a sampling of brands which I tried on and "test-drove" in the shop. I finally settled on a spiffy pair of Mizuno Wave Riders--white with blue, silver and yellow bands. The fit is perfect--no pain and lots of gain in terms of happy feet and stretching myself to step out of a routine that was no longer serving me well. I also enjoy the name of the new brand "Wave Rider"--it conjures up all kinds of outside-the-box adventures and challenges, doesn't it?

This Nike v. Mizuno experience is an example of the need for all of us to be aware of when it is time to let go of something that is no longer serving it's purpose or is no longer a "good fit" for the situation.

Because of my reluctance to register and acknowledge my physical discomfort with the new design of shoe, I tried to intellectualize my way around the throbbing pain in my foot! How crazy is that? Because the shoe had worked for me in the past, I was determined to make it work for me now, when it just wasn't gonna happen.

* How often do we stay with something that worked for us at one time but because we have grown or changed or may be ready to make a change, the old "shoe" is not appropriate for the new challenge?

* How many times have we "hobbled" ourselves because we were unwilling to step out of the box to try something new?

So now as I write this, my feet are happily resting after a pain-free, invigorating run. Tomorrow my dog, my Wave Riders and I will explore some new terrain and stretch the boundaries a bit more!

Thought for the Day: How many times have you stayed with something long after it has served it's usefulness? What do you continue to be loyal to even if it is causing you pain or discomfort? How can you step out of your box?

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.--Alan Cohen

Milestones, Memories and Meals

What makes some places--restuaurants, camping spots, vacation destinations--stand out in our memories and hearts?

I believe it is the experiences and the company we are with in those places that create the lasting attachments. The setting allows space for connection and communion with friends and loved ones. It is often over food and drink that we share our deepest thoughts or celebrate personal accomplishments and milestones.

Earl Abel's Coffee Shop has been around for over a half a century and it has served as a icon for many San Antonians. Earl Abel's is one of those '50s style all-night diners where the friendly waitresses dress in starched pastel uniforms, many display the famous Texas helmet-head 'do, held in place with a generous amount of Aqua Net and criss-crossed bobby pins arranged just so. The loyal patrons range from senior citizens to college students and families enjoying a great homestyle meal of fried chicken or chicken fried steak and mile-high chocolate cake.

The day before Thanksgiving I stood in line at the coffee shop for my turn to purchase the requisite feast-day cherry and pumpkin pies. As I did not inherit my mom's pie-baking genes, I have relied heavily on Earl Abel's to get me and my family through Thanksgiving and Christmas with regard to the sweet stuff.

Each year I wait alongside a diverse group of San Antonians for my turn to place my order for pies. This day I gazed down the line and saw two teenage boys in Metallica t-shirts, a rancher wearing a straw cowboy hat, two chatty 60-something ladies holding expensive bags in their gloved hands, a woman who looked like she just came off her shift at the hospital still wearing her green scrubs, a elderly couple standing side by side, a Hispanic couple with their three young children, a balding, harried-looking, bespectacled man tightly clutched his wife's shopping list. We were from all parts of town, from equally diverse backgrounds and experiences, but what brought us together on this morning was our fond attachment to this special diner.

This year the line was particularly long--a few weeks back Earl Abel's made the front page of the Express News, but sadly not for their delicious food. Rather, the current owner, Earl's son, was ready to retire the diner. The paper suggested he had sold the building and land to a developer who plans to erect condos in it's place. Since this announcement, the parking lot has been packed with cars as worried, hungry folks make their pilgrimage to the diner to get one more plate of homestyle meatloaf and mashed potatoes before the doors close for good.

As I waited in line I listened to the conversations around me. Everyone had a story to share about how Earl Abel's had played a significant role in their lives and the lives of their families. The Hispanic gentleman in front of my shared memories of ending high school prom nights at the diner with his dates. The African American woman behind me smiled as she told me she was "raised on" Earl Abel's fried chicken. The Caucasian woman behind her spoke of coming to the diner as a little girl with her family and wondered where she would get brown sugar pecan pies in the future. I told my line neighbors about spending Thanksgiving at Earl Abel's 10 years ago when my family moved into our current home over the Thanksgiving weekend. There was no way I could unpack boxes, find the kitchen and cook a turkey feast on the same day. We arrived exhausted and a bit depressed to be spending the holiday at a diner. However, we were surprised and happy to be served by a cheerful staff and surrounded by other patrons in the cozy diner setting. We were welcomed to our new neighborhood with a great home-cooked meal of turkey and all the fixings. That day marked the beginning of my addiction to cherry pie!

I imagine similar conversations are happening all over San Antonio as the calendar days are ticked off towards the day when the old cash register rings up it's last chicken fried steak plate, the neon arrow pointing to the "Take Out Orders" sign is turned off and the big brown doors close for good. My family will still visit Earl Abel's in our minds at least, when we gather next Thanksgiving and reminisce about their awesome pie!

Thought for the Day: Where do you celebrate your family's triumphs and events? Where have you honored your personal milestones over food and drink? Think about those places that hold special memories for you. Take time to revisit them in person if you can, or at least revisit them in your mind. Call up a loved one and spend a few minutes reminiscing and sharing memories of the times you spent there.

Horsing Around

I write this new post while sitting gingerly at my computer. Several days ago I had a riding lesson on a new horse (to me) after not riding for a month due to a hectic schedule. My daughter accused me of loading up my schedule after Carin, my riding instructor, cheerfully informed me that at the next lesson I would be cantering (gulp!).

I have to admit that there may have been a teensy bit of extra schedule-loading going on over the following weeks, but as I mentioned in my first post, learning to ride serves two purposes. First, it is a way for me to make a new connection with my daughter and to engage with her in something that she is passionate about. Secondly, I am learning to ride to confront my ill-ease around horses and to learn how to appreciate them for the amazing animals that they are. Learning to ride forces me to move myself forward and step out of my safety zone. The way I look at it is, how can I encourage my clients to move outside their comfort zone and address a fear or conflict that has been holding them back from realizing their full potential, if I am unable to do the same in my own life?

So each Wednesday afternoon dressed in the requisite horsey gear, looking to the rest of the world like I am once again playing dress up or, hopefully, that I really know what I am doing, I drive toward the barn with a bit of fear, a greater bit of excitement about the upcoming lesson and an enormous amount of faith and hope that I will be back in the car at the end of the lesson in one piece.

This week I graduated from "Princess," a sweet 20 year old Bay who is the horse for the beginner 6 year olds and moms, to 12 year old "Honey," an equally sweet tempered Palomino, with a bit more kick in her step. It soothes my anxious heart and mind hearing the gentle names of my lesson horses. I silently thank whoever named them that they chose these names over "Killer" or "Rampage."

Once astride, I gently kicked and clucked at Honey to cue her to begin her trot and immediately felt like a preschooler's Weeble-Wobble toy sitting on top of her back. My heart lurched up into my throat as I bounced about on top of her. From my perspective I felt as though I were suddenly driving a 2005 Porsche as compared to a 1957 VW Bug and I just stepped on the gas pedal and couldn't get my foot off fast enough! Honey and I herky-jerked around the ring--trot, wobble, stop, trot, wobble, walk, stop. My mind leapt back in time to when I was a 17 year old Californian, learning to drive a stick shift in an empty Capwell's parking lot at dusk.

Everything I had learned about riding and position in the preceding weeks, emptied out of my mind and I felt I was starting all over in terms of gaining confidence and remembering to relax and just move in rhythm with the horse's trot. At the top of the lesson I was so tense, holding my breath, gripping the reins with my frozen fingers and lifting my heels into tiptoe position. I am sure Honey's thoughts were "Oh, boy...This is going to be a loooong lesson." It was only after half the lesson passed that I was able to rein in my anxious mind, breathe and just go with the flow of Honey's fluid movement. It was only then that I could trust and listen to Carin, my instructor. It was only then that I was able to relax and ride.

Isn't this similar to what we all do when we are trying to change a behavior or push ourselves to grow and stretch? Often we get so caught up in the action and the fear of doing something out of the ordinary that we lose track of the fact that if we just relax, breathe and move into it, we would experience much more success and enjoy the process so much more. When we are relaxed we are able to take in the cues from the environment and learn a new approach or change our behavior. Usually we have the ability all along--perhaps it needs strengthening or fine-tuning, but if we just relax and let it unfold naturally, we can surprise ourselves with our accomplishments!

By the end of the lesson, I was smiling as Honey responded to my clear cues. She and I experienced moments of true rhythm and flow. Her ears flicked back as I clucked at her to keep her trotting and she understood and followed my instruction--we were a team, in sync and confident, during the last minutes of that magical lesson.

At the end of the hour, as I untacked her and fed her crunchy treats, I whispered "thank you" into her fuzzy, fawn colored ear. She was my gift of the day (see first post) as she provided me with another lesson in trust and letting go. Days later, as I move around the house like the Tin-Man in search of an oil can, my sore muscles remind me of what we accomplished together and I smile.

Thought for the Day: What can you do this week to move out of your comfort zone? When you feel yourself tensing up during this process, take a few moments to breathe, relax your grip and go with the rhythm. You will be amazed at what happens when you do this!

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a (wo)man.
--Winston Churchill

Look It's a Plane, No, It's a Pig!

I am so excited to announce my new website "Envision Your Dreams" is up and soaring! Thanks to the hard work of my graphics/web designer, Jeff Heinke, my dream of bringing the flying pig to "life" has come true!

Okay, I am sure you are asking yourselves, what is with the flying pig?

Well, the idea came to me about a year and a half ago. I began to take notice of images of flying pigs. Then I began to purchase flying pigs: a car magnet over the web, a Christmas tree topper in Dallas, a windcatcher flying pig for the garden in Pennsylvania. The flying pig began to resonate with me as a perfect symbol for coaching!

Why? Because when people typically think about the symbolism of the flying pig they usually conjure up negative associations like "it will never happen", "yeah, right, when pigs fly". In contrast, I have flipped the symbolism to mean hopefulness and readiness to move toward realizing dreams. I see the pig as representing confidence, self-assuredness and openness to possibility. The flying pig is not grounded from realizing "her" dreams by self-doubts or limiting self comments. Additionally, the flying pig believes in "herself" and does not let the negative comments of others hold her back from taking off!

So the flying pig is now my logo and my company name is "Envision Your Dreams." The website is actually two websites in one in that one provides information about coaching and freebies and the other is an online store for flying piggy merchandise (hint hint: the holidays are DAYS away and what would be a better gift than a flying pig?). I think the flying pig is something that people "get" in relation to inspiration and motivation. My dream is to see my piggy everywhere because people want to spread the inspirational word of soaring toward one's dreams!

I invite you to check out my site and let me know your thoughts and suggestions!

Thought for the day: Isn't today a beautiful day to fly?

Flip That Switch!

While at my local copy center this morning, I overheard bits of conversation between two college students at the next machine. One was bemoaning her performance on a recent exam. She complained to her friend that this professor was "out to get her" and wanted all classmembers to fail the class. Her friend nodded sympathetically and launched into her own story of evil professors who want to mess up their students' GPAs. Now, not to come to the defense of truly malicious professors, if they are out there, I wondered about how these two students could have approached the situation from a different perspective.


In Marilee Adams' book, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, she teaches the reader about Judger v. Learner modes of viewing situations, interactions and opportunities.

Judger mode is when we as questions such as: Who's to blame? How can I prove I'm right? Why is that person doing this to me? Why bother? Such questions increase bodily tension and stress and lead us down the path toward what Adams calls the Judger Pit. Once engulfed by the mucky, sticky pit, we find it difficult to extricate ourselves from negative thinking. We are judgmental of ourselves and others. We are inflexible and rigid. We can only see from our perspective and are protective and defensive of our position. We close off our minds to possibility and the ability to view things from a fresh perspective.

In contrast, Learner questions energize us as they ask: What am I responsible for? What are the facts? What's the big picture? What can I learn? What's possible? What is the other person needing or wanting? When we are in Learner mode, we are accepting of and responsive to ourselves and others. We are flexible and adaptive and inquisitive of the perspectives of others. We don't just accept things, but question our assumptions. In Learner mode the possibilities are abundant and we are curious about the world.

The two students I mentioned earlier were definitely viewing their experience from the Judger mode--so how could they, and you, make the switch from Judger to Learner?

Adams calls this step "Switching Questions". Just as a train operator pulls a lever to switch the train tracks to avoid a collision, switching questions allow us to avoid being immersed into the Judger Pit. When we find ourselves in Judger, the world looks pretty negative and awful. When we make a conscious choice to question our viewpoint in Judger, we are engaging in switching questions that allow the possibilities to open up. Switching questions help get us back on the Learner path.

So how does this work? Adams offers the A-B-C-C Choice Process.

A-Aware--Am I in Judger? The student in the example could ask this question in order to open up the possibilities.

B-Breathe! Do I need to step back, pause and look at this situation more objectively?

C-Curiosity--Do I have all the facts?

C-What's my choice? Do I stay with my original opinion or view or alter it?

Perhaps the students noted above would have come up with a different viewpoint after engaging in the Switching Process. I know when I use the Switching Process, it serves to lighten my thoughts and open up possibilities that I hadn't noticed before. Something that appeared helpless to change in Judger, when viewed from Learner has many, many different possibilities and outcomes.

So, switch the tracks and get on board the Learner train!

Thought for the day: Listen to yourself today and be observant of your thoughts. How often do you find yourself in Judger mode? Try the exercise above and let me know your experience!


The only real voyage of discover consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. ---Marcel Proust

Running Lingo/Life Lingo

Reading through this month's Runner's World magazine--one of the few magazines I read cover to cover--my attention was grabbed by an article written about Deena Kastor, the fastest American woman in history (she won the 2003 London Marathon in 2:21:16, can you even imagine running that fast for 26 miles!?). In the article Deena offers her Recipe for Success: How to run your best, even if it isn't for an Olympic medal. As I read through the article I was struck by how much of her advice I use with my coaching clients. This is not only a recipe for runners, but a recipe for life.

Partner Up: Kastor says to find someone to share the road with as it will help you stick to a structured plan. In moving forward toward sticking with your own life goals, it is important to have someone who is holding you accountable. This can be a coach, family member, co-worker or friend. When you realize you have to call your coach and tell her about what you accomplished, most folks will make sure they have taken some action during the week--even if it is only the hour before the call!

Touch Your Toes: Kastor says most runners don't stretch enough. I couldn't agree more in that I feel most people don't stretch their minds enough. Many of us are happy staying in that comfy coach potato mode and resist stretching our minds to incorporate a new way of thinking about or analyzing a problem in order to come up with a new solution. I talk about this as conscious thinking with my clients. It is easy to stay in the same old dance steps (unconscious thinking) and not challenge yourself to boogie to a new beat!

Mix Things Up: Deena notes that the more variety you add to your training, the more likely you will stick with it. In this example, I encourage my clients to engage in everyday situations in a novel manner. Live life in the here and now--surprise the bagger at the grocery store with a kind comment or smile, engage in a real conversation with your mail delivery person (see archive entitled "A Real Person in Make Believe"), step outside your own head and observe what goes on around you. Pay it forward in some manner in your day and see what happens! When you interact in your environment in a positive manner, you will attract the same into your life.

Pick a Goal: Kastor encourages runners to write their goal down and post it on the fridge or bathroom mirror because each time you see your goal it will refocus you. In my coaching, I encourage my clients to spend time articulating their goals and writing them down. In this way, my clients maintain their focus on what is important to them and they can chart their progress toward the realization of those goals. Henriette Anne Klauser notes, in her book "Write it Down, Make It Happen," that writing down your dreams and aspirations is like hanging up a sign proclaiming "Open for Business"--you alert a part of your brain to start paying attention and working overtime to cue you when signs come along that help you achieve your goals. She compares this cueing as similar when you buy a blue Honda and suddenly you start seeing blue Hondas all over town. They were there all along but you were just not paying attention!

Fuel Up: Deena urges runners to include a variety of healthy foods in their diet: fresh foods over fast foods. I also believe that we need to honor and care for our bodies. Becoming knowledgeable and conscious of making good choices will hopefully ensure a long and healthy life. Healthy choices include eating healthful foods, engaging in regular exercise, maintaining balance between career and leisure activities, engaging in loving, nurturing relationships, and an abundance of opportunities to laugh! One of my all time favorite books on health is "You, The Owner's Manual" by Drs. Roizen and Oz. A winning combo of great advice and a fun read!

Push Yourself: Finally, Deena observes, it's easy to get through a workout when you are feeling good--it's the rough days that you need to challenge yourself. Listen to your body and adjust your run--you might come out of a bad day stronger than when you started. How many of us can relate to that? Sometimes it is really, really hard to stay on track and make the choices we need to make in order to move forward. Somedays I swear my daughter's BBQ chips are calling to me from the pantry! Just when you feel ready to give in to that craving or temptation--hang in there--go for a walk, call a friend, email your coach--once you make it through to the other side (and you will), you will feel like you have come in first across that finish line!

Thought for the day: Print out or copy these Recipes for Success: Put them into practice this week and tell me how you did! I'm here cheering you on as you take off from the starting line when the gun goes off!

If you want to be successful at anything, it requires practice.
--Bill Wenmark, on running a marathon

Look Ma! It's an Angel!

This morning I had an amazing opportunity to be on a local radio station to share with the listening parent-audience how to broach the uncomfotable subject of talking to your kids about sex. It was alot of fun and I hope to have the opportunity again to reach a broad audience to educate folks about navigating the rocky road of parenting, life transitions and life in general.

Later as I went for my morning run with my dog, Zeebo, I reflected on the "dots" which lead to this opportunity. The seeds of this invitation were planted nearly one year ago, and at that time, I would have never in a million years guessed that I would one day be invited to speak to a radio audience about coaching.

Reflect back on opportunities in your own life in which "a call came out of the blue", or an amazing opportunity presented itself thanks to a contact you made weeks, months or even years before. I feel that the most magical and exquisite experiences come from those situations in which I have no expectation of a mind-altering or life-altering event. I attribute these events to "angels".

Now, before you start to wonder what I had in my morning coffee, I use the term "angel" somewhat loosely. I am not talking about little chubby asexual babies with wings holding itsy bitsy bows and arrows hovering above my head. I am talking about those individuals in our lives (whether they be acquaintances or loved ones) who truly offer us opportunities to broaden our minds and experiences.

I imagine we are surrounded by angels holding imaginary cards with dots (kind of like domino dots)--waiting for the opportunity to change our lives for the better--to offer us a new perspective or opportunity. One angel holds up a card and the next one holds up a card that matches, which opens up to another dot combination, and we are off and running!

Angels are the people you want on your "team". They are the ones who offer support, encouragement, new perspective, helpful suggestions and new opportunity. Angels are partners, spouses, siblings, children, coaches, and others in your community.

Angels are all around us--we simply need to open our hearts and minds to the opportunities they offer us. I plan to have plenty of angels in my midst at all times! So here's a huge thanks to some of my "angels": my family, my clients, Sarah, Karen, Claudia, and Mindy. You all ROCK!!!

Thought for the Day: Who are a few of the angels in your midst? Take time to thank those angels for what they have done for you.


The people you need to help you make your dream come true are everywhere and within your reach. --Marcia Wieder

A Real Person in Make Believe.

Earlier this week I attended a community fundraiser with my husband. It was a "black tie affair" which always makes me feel a bit like I am playing dress up in my mom's "fancy" clothes. I love the pomp and circumstance around such events as everyone in attendance always seems to be transformed into glamorous and debonair beings. Plus, it's always fun to have a night out, away from the usual routine of "Did you finish your homework?" "Who's turn is it to do the dishes?" and the ever-present, "Is there anything to watch on tv tonight?" As my tuxedoed husband drove our pumpkin carriage/Toyota Highlander to the event, I silently wondered who our seatmates might be and which acquaintances we would see there. I am somewhat extroverted when it comes to meeting people in small groups (I take after my mom, once again) and I love hearing about what people do in their day to day lives.

As the evening progressed, I felt a nagging feeling of discontent. I pinpointed the feeling to a realization that here we were at a beautiful event--the setting was right, the flowers were perfect, the music was soothing--but what was missing was authentic human conversation.

Folks were caught up in "role playing" rather than "real playing" regarding communication.

People were speaking in "dress up" rather than engaging in real, authentic conversations. As I listened to the presenter and guest speakers and listened in on converations around me, most of the verbiage coming out of people's mouths were political acknowledgements, superficial fawnings and babble.

So what does being authentic in communication mean?

For me it means being present in a conversation with someone. This is more challenging than it seems--it is easy to drift off while someone is talking and wonder about the daily stuff--what to cook for dinner...did I remember to call the dentist...don't forget to pick up dog food at the store...and on and on. Dave Ellis says being present means "fully listening", maintaining my attention as well as opening up my mind to learning another's perspective or experience. Listening fully means opening up to the ideas of others and being willing to change my opinion. When we listen fully we give up the notion that we know how things are "supposed to be". Approaching conversations in this manner allows me to engage in an adventure with my seatmate, client, friend or family member.

Secondly, we have the ability to choose our conversations. Take a moment and think about how you felt when you have listened to someone's gripe session, day in and day out. I call this the Eeyore Syndrome--remember, the gloomy, all is lost, donkey from Winnie the Pooh? You may feel dragged down, dulled, like a bit of your energy has been sapped. Think about "water cooler" conversations--chatter about the weather or office gossip. How did you feel after those conversations? Now think about conversations you have had in which you walked away energized, excited and optimistic.

Imagine what would it be like if we chose our conversations with others that steer us toward our goals and expression of our values?

This is what coaching is about--having meaningful conversations with another person who helps you to deepen your daily experience and reach your goals and aspirations. A coach is one member of your personal community who helps you create a vision for what you want to achieve in your life and who encourages you along the journey toward getting what you want. As you begin to move towards the realization of your goals, you feel uplifted, energized and increasingly motivated!

That evening as I prepared for bed, I realized my agenda was different from others that night. I looked forward to connecting with people--deepening my understanding of what makes others' tick, what propels people forward in their lives and how we can support and encourage each other to grow. Perhaps I should have stayed in the mindset of "dress up" and then my expectations of the evening would have stayed in the realm of make believe--after all, I was in the company of a handsome prince!

Thought for the Day:What would you like to improve about your conversations with others to propel you toward your goals?


"Our words create our consciousness, our consciousness creates our actions, and our actions create our circumstances." --Dave Ellis

Go Ahead, Just Ask!

This past weekend we entertained a group of folks from my husband's workplace. I really love entertaining and having people over to our home. I think this stems from growing up in a household in which my mom was always on the lookout to invite someone home for afternoon coffee and cake or Sunday dinner. On the weekends, our house was often filled with my parents' friends--my dad's fishing buddies or fellow submarine vets and my mom's women friends. As a child, I could always look forward to a great dessert and lots of stories around the table if their friends were able to stay for dinner. I have to admit that on this particular Saturday, I was feeling extremely stressed as I scurried around like a neighborhood squirrel, hunting and gathering the party supplies and food. I promised myself that I would be completely ready for the guests by 4 pm, which would allow time for a 30 minute run and a quick shower before they were due at 5 pm. By 11:00 am, however, it was becoming increasingly evident that the likelihood of having time to go for a quick run in the afternoon shared the same odds as receiving a call from Oprah inviting me to be on her show this week!

Now, my household is populated by my hubby, our teenage daughter and my 20-something stepdaughter, plus the requisite animals--in our case, a 2 year old great dane and a 6 year old African desert tortoise. My human family members are all wonderful, kind, smart people whom I love very, very much and would not trade for anyone. That said, my family is not as detail-oriented as I am, and on weekend mornings they operate on "slow-as-molasses" speed while I have been on a caffeine-surge since 7:30 am thanks to Peet's Major Dickason's. So while I think in "lists" and scurry around the house doing many things at once, my family typically watches me with mild, sleepy interest as I buzz through my morning clean-up routine. Over the years, I have learned to juggle quite a number of things with great efficiency. This can be a wonderful thing on one hand: I managed to earn my Master's and Ph.D. degrees while raising an infant and 3 adolescent stepchildren AND stay married--but it also has some serious downsides, as sometimes I feel alone in managing household and work responsibilities.

On Saturday, I became conscious of dueling feelings of frustration and alarm as I scanned my lengthy To Do list and eyed my watch as the hour hand zoomed closer to 5 pm. Borrowing from Debbie Ford's book, "The Right Questions", I frequently ask my clients: "Will you use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will you use it as a chance to beat yourself up?" So, on Saturday afternoon I posed the same question to myself--there is nothing like having to walk the talk as a coach! This was my opportunity to change my life-long resistance/reluctance to asking for help, to grow up and address my fear of confrontation, and to stop holding onto resentment and frustration. So, at 4 pm, I let my husband in on my feelings and asked him to be more proactive in this event and in general household activities. Lo and behold, he didn't balk or tell me I was being ridiculous and he actually picked up the broom and swept up the loose dog kibble from the kitchen floor!

On Sunday, I spoke with my two daughters and, again, I was amazed that they both understood how I felt and promised to take more responsibility around the house! My stepdaughter even thanked me for bringing this to her attention and commended me for my assertiveness as she knew how difficult this was for me in the past--wow! Once I mustered up the courage to take action and stop tolerating what wasn't working for me, I realized that it was ME, holding myself back from evolving and moving forward. My family was more than willing to help me--all I had to do was ask!

So why are we so afraid to ask for what we need?

Are we afraid of looking needy, stupid, being rejected?

When we don't ask for what we need, we are holding ourselves back and keeping ourselves from improving our life experience. When we don't ask for what we want, we are saying "no" to ourselves before anyone else has a chance to (Jack Canfield). Canfield suggests that we should take the risk to ask for whatever we need. If someone says "no", we are no worse off than when we started. If they say "yes", we are a lot better off.

One of the keys to asking is that we need to be clear and specific about what we want. My big-time fear was of being rejected. However, if I hemmed and hawed, or slammed pots around the kitchen without opening my mouth to state what I needed and ask for help on Saturday--then nothing would have happened to improve the situation. Despite most folks' assumptions--our loved ones cannot read our minds. When I provided specific examples of what I needed from my family ("I need you to put the newspaper in the recycling bin when you are done with it" vs. "I need you to help out more"), each member was clear about what my request involved and each was able to respond with a clear "yes" or "no".

Today I feel much more free and less bogged-down--I made a real effort to change something that was not working for me any longer and my family responded positively to my requests. That act helped move me from a place of being stuck to closer to where I want to be in my life. I realize I will have to ask my family repeatedly for what I want, as this is new territory for all of us. For me that act of asking (and their responding) moved our relationship to a new level. Who knows what's next in my quest for self-improvement? This experience was definitely my gift (see previous post on 10/03/05) for the next couple of days!

Try this today: This exercise comes from "The Success Principles." Take time today and make a list of things you want but have been too afraid to ask for at home, school or work. Then write down your fear next to each item. Next write down what it is costing you not to ask. Then write down what benefit you would get if you were to ask. My bet is that the benefits of asking will outweigh the reasons for holding yourself back. Try it and let me know what you discover!

"You've got to ask. Asking is, in my opinion, the world's most powerful and neglected secret to success and happiness." --Percy Ross, self-made millionaire and philanthropist

I spent today thinking about how it is so easy for us to get swayed or distracted from pursuing our purpose or fulfilling our dream. The day to day stuff can creep in and leave little to no room (or energy) to stay motivated and moving forward toward fulfillment of our goals, whether the goal is to get to the gym today or begin writing that long awaited, first chapter of a book. Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) offers an analogy of how our day-to-day life is like an empty bucket. There are large stones, which represent the "big items" or the important daily goals, and small stones, which represent all those little tasks and errands and fluff that intrudes on our day. Imagine the stones in two piles next to the bucket. If we try to fill our day with all those little tasks and errands and keep holding off on allowing our large stones access to our day, soon there is no room for the important stuff. The little stones fill up most of the bucket and the large stones have nowhere to go but outside the bucket.

The important thing to keep in mind is fill your bucket (your day) with the things that are most important FIRST, then there will always be room for the smaller stones to slip in and around the big important goals. If tomorrow you want to get to the gym--sit down and allot some time for that goal--don't just expect to fit it in somewhere, because chances are "it ain't gonna happen" on it's own. If you want to move forward, you've got to create some space to move--some breathing room, some room to maneuver, a road map to get you from where you are today a little bit closer to where you want to be one month from today.

So, what are your big rocks you let stay outside your bucket today?

How important is it to you to bring them in?

Of those that are important, maybe, as an experiment, plan out your week on Sunday to allow some space. Then over the course of the next week, be conscious (there I go again with that word!) of when the little rocks are taking precedence and then ask yourself: do I want the little rocks in now or have I made room for my big stone first? On the following Sunday ask yourself how it felt. Did you get more accomplished? Did you feel a greater sense of accomplishment and balance? My guess is you will have experienced more energy and satisfaction with how your week progressed. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experience, feel free to let me know how the experiment went for you!

Begin doing what you want to do now. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand--and melting like a snowflake.
--Mary Beynon Ray

Today was one of those "catch up" days--I had the day planned as to what I would accomplish, but in spite of my best intentions, day-to-day life crept in and swamped me. From having a Sleepless in San Antonio Night due to the air conditioner going on the fritz (not a fun thing as the temperature here is still hovering in the 90s), to my husband hobbling around on a swollen knee from too much basketball, to my daughter being home from school for a holiday, to an emergency call from the barn requesting a vet get out to see our horse ASAP due to him swallowing a piece of mesquite and having it lodged somwhere in his throat--today was a day I had to, borrowing from a popular rap song, "breathe, stretch, shake and let it go."

Days like today bring to mind that sometimes no matter how intent we are to order our lives in Quadrant 2 living, sometimes we just are not able to stay there. Some of you may not be familiar with the Covey's Quadrants so here is a little description. Covey presented the idea time management in four quadrants in his mega- successful book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". He suggested we create more balance in our lives by not jumping up and dealing with every single thing that comes along our desk or into our consciousness. When we react to everything from a state of urgency, we easily and quickly become overextended and burnt out. Covey divides Time into 4 quadrants: Quadrant 1-Things that appear urgent and important (crises, deadline driven situations or meetings), Quadrant 2-Things that are not urgent but are important (preparation, planning, relationship building, values clarification), Quadrant 3-Things that are not important but appear urgent (interruptions, some email, some meetings, some phone calls), and finally Quadrant 4--Things that are not urgent nor important (busywork, time wasters/couch potato activities). Most folks spend their days, months and even years bouncing back and forth between Quadrants 1 and 4--racing at hyper speed throughout the day only to come home and crash on the couch for the night watching reruns of Friends, then when the alarm goes off the next morning, getting up and repeating the process. The key to time management and life balance is to spend as much time as we can in Quadrant 2--planning for those crises, spending time with our loved ones and friends. Often the not urgent but important things in our lives get booted out because of the chaos going on in the other quadrants.

This is what I teach my clients about and how I try to live my life as well. But today was another story in terms of living solely in quadrant 2. Thankfully, however, the day is over and I did manage to get some of the things done that I needed--what was most important though was spending time with my daughter, (Quadrant 2) as this was the gift of the day--an unexpected holiday. Tomorrow will be another day to make room for the items on my checklist--I guess I really did stay in Quadrant 2 after all!

Gifts of the Day is something elese I try to focus on--I began doing this over the summer as I wanted to really acknowledge with gratitude the abundant life I live. I view each day as a game in terms of seeking out and identifying what my gift is from the universe. Today was the vet getting to our horse in time to alleviate his discomfort and my daughter being home. One day it was finding the first red leaf of Fall at my feet on one of my runs with my dog. A blessed gift one day last summer was watching 7 swans take flight simultaneously across Buzzards Bay in Cape Cod. In Paris last Spring, my gift was the perfect cafe latte. Once I found a piece of blue seaglass in the shape of a heart. I never know what my gift will be until I find it and it resonates in my heart and soul as "This is it!"

Thoughts for today: What was your gift of today? How can you live more of your tomorrow in Quadrant 2?

Well, today is an auspicious day for me--today marks the birth of my very first blog! Happy Birthday! I have been wondering about and contemplating a blog for sometime and for whatever reason--today felt like a great day to step out of, as Prochascka would say, the contemplation stage and into action. So, here goes! I want to take a minute or two to introduce myself to those who are reading this--I am a psychologist and life coach in San Antonio, TX (see my website www.drkimlifecoach.com). My family and I moved here from the Bay Area ("Go Bears") nearly 10 years ago and I have worked as a child and adolescent psychologist for 7 years and life coach for the past 2 years. I am a newbie in terms of comprehension of blogging, computer lingo, etc., but I am an avid learner and I am open to expanding my personal awareness about the latest happenings in cyberspace!

This blogging concept is such an amazing one for me--it boggles my mind that this is sent out to the googlesphere and you are reading my thoughts and ideas right now! I plan to use this forum of blogging as a way to inform others about coaching and how it can help folks clarify their life goals and move toward achieving the life they desire. So many times people get caught up in the day to day grind of moving through life in an unconscious manner, day in and day out. Who wants to look back at their life when they are 80 with regrets for the time lost and opportunities missed? Coaching helps people shift their minds into conscious thought and planning their life. I help people identify their dreams and then guide and cheer them on their way to realizing those dreams and becoming more satisfied with their lives.

Moving from a strict psychotherapy model to incorporating coaching into my own life has helped me move my life beyond the day to day unconscious thinking mode into looking forward to each day as an opportunity for personal growth and fulfillment. I feel I have grown and been stretched as an individual by what I have learned as a coach as well as by what my clients have taught me about stretching beyond one's comfort zone. Since hiring my own fantastic coach two years ago I have: started my own business, addressed my own fears of public speaking by appearing on radio and local tv talking about, you guessed it, coaching, am co-authoring a manaul on coaching/fitness/weight loss to be released in December, in the process of developing my own inspirational merchandise line for coaches and clients (more info to come as the date approaches!), confronted my fear of horses by taking up riding 2 months ago (yesterday I attempted the posting-trot without stirrups--OUCH!), immersing myself in self-development books and cds and in general, living a more vibrant life! Think about what coaching can do for you!

Okay, enough of my little infomercial for today. Here's some of my favorite books on creating the life you desire:

"Wishcraft" and "Live the Life You Love" by Barbara Sher
"The Success Principles" by Jack Canfield
"The Power of Intention" by Wayne Dyer

Please feel free to drop me a post or email with your comments or questions. Have a wonderful day making conscious choices!

Kimberly Smith-Martinez, Ph.D.
Career and Life Transitions Coach

--Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
--Goethe