Open Arms/Open Heart

This week I spent time with several clients listening to their descriptions of dissatisfaction in their personal lives. As a therapist I am honored by the trust my clients show me through their disclosure of painful secrets, feelings or fears. In the safety of our respectful relationship, my clients are able to work through their troubled histories in order to heal and then find the strength and courage to open up their hearts and allow love and compassion to enter their lives. The going is often wrought with painful memories which have been tamped down and avoided for years, but at the same time there is often sweet relief as a client unburdens his or her heavy heart and head, allowing me to share in their experience.

One of the things I teach my clients is that we often unconsciously reenact our earliest relationships in our present ones. Frequently we seek out relationships which are familiar to us, whether those early interactions were healthy or not so healthy. For instance, if you were raised in a home in which a parent was inconsistent in their display of affection and love toward you, you may, as an adult find yourself partnered with a person who offers the same kind of inconsistent attention. You may be unhappy in this relationship and you may not even be aware of the similarity of your current relationship to the one in your past, however, on a certain level, this interaction is familiar and known. In short, we repeat our own personal histories over and over until we become conscious of the pattern and decide to make a change.

This is when I truly love my work--when I am able to help an individual gain insight and clarity with regard to his or her behavior and assist them in creating a more fulfilling personal and professional life. Recently I listened to author Kathy Preston speak about our search for love in our lives. In her interview she spoke of how we close ourselves off from finding love because we have been emotionally hurt in the past. When we are closed and shut down, we continue to live in the past and we are oblivious of opportunities for healthy connections with others that may be right in front of us. I think about this also as living life in a closed loop: we just keep repeating the same behaviors without new thoughts entering in to challenge us to consider change.

One step toward living in conscious relationship with others is to take time to identify what you want in your relationships through journaling, list-making or vision board design. Once you become clear about the type of relationship you desire, you will be more likely to identify it when it comes along. Once you have identified what you desire, then you can begin to question whether your current behaviors are moving you closer to that desired relationship or keeping you on the feedback loop of dissatisfaction. The second and most difficult part of the process is the exploration of how your past relationships impact your present ones. This requires one to be willing to dig into some difficult material, perhaps recalling interactions that have been buried for some time. It requires one to become willing to feel discomfort once again in order to get to the other side. It requires a commitment to trust and a belief in one's own strength and power to recover and move forward to a place of greater health and satisfaction. It requires one to open up one's heart and become vulnerable again in order to grow and evolve, dropping the chains of the past in order to embrace the present and the potential of the future.

My hope in writing this entry is that if you find yourself in relationships which are not loving, compassionate and supportive, you now have some initial ideas as to how to help yourself move forward toward achieving the connections with others you deserve. If you feel that you would benefit from professional assistance in letting go of your past and opening your heart and arms to positive relationships, contact your local mental health agency for referrals of trained therapists who can help you to create more joy in the present.

Thought for the Day: Spend some time detailing your ideal relationship. What can you do to become more loving and compassionate in order to "attract" the desired relationship into your life? What steps can you take to become more conscious in creating the type of relationship you desire instead of remaining in the feedback loop of dissatisfaction?

"Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself." --Leo Buscaglia