It's the Simple Things

This morning I enjoyed a wonderfully simple breakfast. I ate two perfectly toasted pieces of cinammon raisin bread with my yogurt and morning coffee. It was fantastic! The reason I am sharing my breakfast with you is that recently I made a new purchase that has, surprisingly, made a huge impact in alleviating my morning stress. What could it be you wonder? Drum roll please...I am the proud owner of a brand-new, shiny silver toaster!

I know you are asking yourself--why would a toaster make a significant impact on anyone's life? My new toaster represents making a conscious effort to eliminate stressors and tolerations in my life. You see, before the new toaster, a temperamental toaster oven inhabited a large corner of the kitchen countertop. I purchased the toaster oven a little over a year ago, mostly because I thought it was sleek and beautiful and could satisfy the reheating and toasting needs of my family members in it's ability to multitask. I hoped the toaster oven could warm leftover pizza and toast bread or bagels with equal ease. I was wrong in my assumption.

The toaster oven required the user to be vigilant with whatever was placed in it's open door. If I watched the progress of my morning breakfast, it seemed to take an inordinate amount of time even to warm up the bread. The toaster oven also required the bread to be turned over halfway through the process to get both sides toasted. If I was side-tracked for a minute or two, then my toast would quickly turn the color of soot. I can't tell you how many slices of burnt bread I scraped or tossed out nor how many breakfasts would have been even better if only accompanied by an evenly toasted piece of bread!

Our crotchety toaster oven was a perfect example of how often we tolerate things, people or situations in our lives which cause us stress or inconvenience. Such stressors cause our energy to be sapped rather than tapped to meet our goals. You can also look at this from the view of procrastination or putting off decision-making. For over a year I put up with hovering around the toaster oven or suffering the consequence of burnt toast.

When I finally took the action of purchasing the new appliance--who knew how much satisfaction a truly functional toaster could bring! I now enjoy the morning without a thought to "Do I smell something burning?" It's little annoyances like this which can contribute to a stressful environment. It's amazing to realize the amount of energy that is released when one implements small actions to eliminate or correct stressors in one's life!

Thought for the Day: What are you tolerating in your life right now that you can easily remedy? Take a moment and list 5 tolerations in your life. What action can you take to eliminate those tolerations? Just imagine how relieved and energized you will feel when you eliminate these stressors!

"Commitment leads to action. Action brings your dream closer." --Marcia Wieder

Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let It Go

Not that I listen to rap music very often, but there is one song I downloaded on my mini ipod which I listen to nearly everyday as I exercise. The title of this blog shares the title of the song performed by a rapper named Mace. This song deviates from the typical rap message in that it encourages people to not get worked up and angry about interactions with others or stressed by situations. Instead, Mace encourages the listener to "breathe, stretch, shake and let it go."

What great words of advice! I used them today as I drove to my second Toastmaster's meeting of all time. My New Year's resolution this year is to not allow my inexperience and anxiety hold me back from achieving one of my dreams of speaking in front of a large group about coaching and envisioning one's dreams. I feel that my business has the potential to grow in this direction and I want to spread my flying pig message to as many people as I can.

Now I am a great speaker and communicator when it involves small groups or when I am among people I know. As a psychologist and coach I feel I can connect and communicate with others in an effective manner. However, when I am in front of a group of strangers, my tongue suddenly feels as if it has swollen to twice it's size and my brain pretty much ceases to function properly. My heart begins to pound out a crazy syncopated mambo and my clammy underarms and hands feel as if I have just stepped into the steam sauna at my gym. With all eyes upon me, I feel frozen in place like a deer trapped in oncoming headlights. Definitely not a fun experience. My limited public speaking experience led to a self-generating feedback system in that, because of my anxiety I do not speak in front of groups, and because I do not voluntarily place myself in the position of speaking in front of groups, I avoid addressing and working through the trepidation and anxiety. In graduate school I wrote extra term papers in order to avoid teaching and speaking in front of my class. I probably wrote twice as many papers as any other student in my program, but I welcomed the research and writing as I felt I had "gotten out" of the unpleasantness of public speaking.

But I didn't really "get out" at all. My career and life has been constrained and held hostage by my fear. Over the past year I began to tune in to the message of my wiser intuitive voice which softly encourages me to shed my fear. Several months ago I encouraged a client of mine, who shares the same fear, to join his local Toastmaster's group. Ambivalent at first, he is now enjoying the learning that is taking place and he looks forward to crafting and delivering his speeches to his group. As I mentioned in a previous post, I feel strongly that if I do not stretch myself to grow and step out of my own comfort zone, then how can I legitimately coach my clients to do the same? So now is the time for this coach to walk the talk.

At the ripe old age of 47 I am ready to boot my engulfing bully of a boogie-monster out of my life for good. I have committed my calendar for the next year to attending a Toastmaster's group once a week. I must admit I experienced a flutter of anxiety just checking out the info on the web! In spite of the butterflies, I found a convenient club and attended my first meeting last week. It was a fun experience and the group of attendees were warm and welcoming. I spent last week processing the experience and found myself looking forward to this week's meeting. Even so, as I pulled into the parking lot today, I felt that familiar flutter of nerves in my belly. I silently repeated Mace's mantra: Breathe, Stretch, Shake and Let it Go. A few moments later I stepped out of my car and made one giant leap toward a fuller life!

Here's my questions for you:

What is the fear that is holding you back from embracing a fuller life?

Does the fear serve a purpose in your life right now?

What would open up for you if you released it?

Believe me, I know it is scary to step outside of the strangely comforting and famililar cushion of anxiety. But if you don't--think of all the experiences you are missing out on. Consider making 2006 the year you let go of a self-limiting belief--what a wonderful year this will be if you do!

Thought for the Day: What can you do this week to chip away at a personal fear? As you step closer to the precipice of that anxiety, think about the mantra: breathe, stretch, shake and let it go. Did you feel a release in tension? Great job!

Feel the fear and do it anyway! --Susan Jeffers

Birthday Babblings

On January 15 I will wake up one tentative, but inevitable, step closer to living for one half a century. Holy cow--could that really be happening to me?! I don't feel that I could possibly have been walking around this earth for nearly 50 years, but neither the numbers, nor the crow's feet around my eyes, lie. I am now balanced exactly halfway between 45 and 50--another "tween" of sorts.

The half-century mark certainly gives one pause. I have been spending some time over the past couple of weeks both in reflection and looking forward to what I want to accomplish in the next 5, 10, 20 and, hopefully, 30 years.

On the reflection end, as I think about each decade of my life so far, there are clear milestones which were accomplished. My 20s were spent figuring out who I was and making tentative choices about who I wanted to become. All the choices propelled me forward, although whether it was in the direction I would have predicted was not always the case. College, a premature test of marriage and subsequent divorce, graduate school, meeting my future husband and his three children and learning to balance and navigate the sometimes treacherous road of stepmotherhood.

I remember celebrating when I turned 30 because, naively, I felt that the tumultuous times of the 20s were behind me and now that I was an "adult", life would be smooth sailing for a while. HA!! My 30s welcomed my marriage, the birth of my daughter and earning my PhD all in the same year. My husband decided to accept a career opportunity that required us to pack up our home in the Bay Area and move to the uncharted (at least in my mind) environs of Texas. During my late 30s my parents both passed away, propelling me in an odd way into true adulthood and holding my little family and group of friends ever closer to my heart. I became a licensed psychologist and immersed myself into my professional work of listening to children and teens, helping them to make it through their own, frequently, difficult and frightening life course.

So here I am in my late 40s and as I look back on this decade thus far, I am struck by how my life continues to move in amazing ways. Parenting is not as intense now, as compared to parenting younger kids. I am blessed with three great adult stepkids and a teen who thus far appears to have a pretty good head on her shoulers. My husband and I have more time to spend together, enjoying getting to know each other again after years spent focusing on career and parenting demands.

My parents' deaths marked the beginning of a whole different focus and direction in my life. It forced me to think about how I was choosing to live my life. Was it moving in the direction of my choosing? Although I was content with my role as a psychologist, I felt that I was "stuck" in many ways. I had stopped being curious--I had stopped challenging myself to grow in my career. I began to consider other career options and that is when I discovered coaching. Since becoming a coach, my career has expanded, my excitement for my work has blossomed and I once again approach life from a place of curiosity and gratitude. I have stretched myself to dabble into creating and merchandising my flying pig products. I have challenged myself to become more comfortable speaking in front of groups.

40s is my decade to grow and become...More. I know that sentence is not grammatically correct, but what I am trying to say is I want to place myself in the path of opportunities and embrace them, rather than turn away or hold myself back.

Growing older and closer to death forces one to think about how to spend the remaining time, how ever long or short that time may be.

What more do I want to accomplish?
What more do I want out of life?
What more can I give to others?
How can I give back to my community?
How can I love more and show this love to those who are important to me?

At this point in my life, I am opening myself up to exploration, just as I did in my 20s. I now look at life with the question: "What else do I want to experience?" In my work with my clients, I urge them to live their lives in a way that when they are 80, they do not look back with regret for the lost opportunities. I, for one, want to be a vibrant 80 year old woman who smiles as I recall my life, my loves, and my adventures. So this one is a "Happy Birthday to Me" post. May you who read today's post apply the same attitude to your own life. After all, this is your life, live it with purpose!

We turn not older with years, but new every day! ---Emily Dickinson

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

January 1: The day to turn over a new leaf...start with a clean slate...wipe the board clean...start a new chapter. This is the time of year that everyone and their brother jumps on the bandwagon, proclaiming their commitment to a New Year's resolution. Everywhere I look there is information about resolutions: in the newspaper, on TV, on the radio. While at the store, I hear folks around me mention their resolution to lose 10 lbs, quit smoking, or cut back on spending. Despite our resolute proclamation to alter our lives, the majority of us begin to drift back to our old tried and true habits within days or weeks of making our claim to change "for once and for all."

How many times have you pledged the same resolution only to cave in after a few weeks?

Why do we have such difficulty changing our behavior or giving up bad habits?

In working with my clients I spend time educating them about a theory of behavior presented by three psychologists called the "Stages of Change Model." These psychologists were interested in exploring why some people are able to successfully alter their behaviors for good while others continually fail to change. Over years of research they came up with the Stages of Change model and suggested that it is necessary for an individual to pass through the 6 stages of the model in a linear fashion in order to successfully change their behavior.

Briefly, the stages are: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance and termination. (To obtain further information about the stages, please log onto my website and click on the About Coaching tab, then scroll to the "Stages of Change" link.)

Where most of us get caught up and derailed from achieving our goals is when we move from the contemplation stage to the action stage. Here's an example of what this might look like:

On January 1 you decide this is the year you will lose those 10 lbs. You go through the house, tossing all junk food and holiday goodies out to the trashcan. You feel motivated and invigorated by your actions. That afternoon you take the dog for a long walk and come home feeling energized and positive. You eat a healthy dinner and snack on an apple and diet soda while watching TV that night. This program works for a few days, then, da-da-da-DAH, your next door neighbor invites you to dinner where she serves you a decadent fettucine alfredo pasta dish accompanied by a fantastic selection of wine. You can't hurt your friend's feelings, so you have a small serving. It is sooo good that you have another serving and by the end of the night the two of you have finished off the bowl plus two bottles of wine and half a tiramasu. The next day you feel lousy and you scold yourself for blowing your diet. When you get to work, someone has brought in a chocolate birthday cake with raspberry filling. You say "Oh, well, I blew it last night, so I might as well go for it." You have a healthy slice of cake and then head to the local deli at lunch time for the usual, pre-diet pastrami sandwich, chips and large soda. Bye-bye resolution!

Sound familiar? Okay, now let's look at it from the view of the stages of change. Let's say you want to lose the 10 lbs this year. You are in the contemplation stage--this is the place where you contemplate, or think about, changing your habit or lifestyle. You perhaps do a bit of reading about the health benefits of losing weight. Once you decide you want to move forward, you proceed to the next stage: Preparation. This is the most important stage, and the one that is frequently neglected. In this stage, you spend time preparing, laying the groundwork, for successfully achieving your goal of losing weight.

Just as you know it is important to prepare for a storm and gather all the important items together in one place (ie., flashlight, candles, matches, water, food, clothing, etc.), it is equally important to gather the items together that will help you succeed in achieving your goal. This refers to both tangible and emotional support items. In relation to the goal of losing 10 lbs. this year, such supports might be: a gym membership, a partner to workout with, a food plan, a backup plan when eating out, and going public with your goal by telling friends, colleagues and family members so they can be supportive rather than subversive. It means breaking down your day into increments and planning for alternate "routes" when unexpected things come up like the chocolate birthday cake with raspberry filling at work.

This is tedious, but absolutely necessary, work. When a person jumps prematurely into action before the groundwork is laid, he or she has no "safety net" to catch them when temptation arises.

If you have already begun work on your resolution, or you feel yourself faltering a bit, take a look at whether you have spent adequate time pulling together your supportive items for success. If you are really, truly serious about achieving this resolution, put in the prep-time and work to make it happen!

If you'd like to read more about these stages, subscribe to my free ezine by logging onto my website and clicking the "Free Ezine" button. Each month I send out a newsletter with the goal being to help you move forward with your goals. January's issue is devoted to the Stages of Change model.

Thought for the Day: How can I fully prepare to acheve my goal? Write down your vision of yourself and your life once the goal is attained. What will achieving that goal open up for you? Next, write down the list of obstacles that have gotten in your way in the past of achieving that goal. Come up with solutions or alternatives to each of those obstacles so when they surface again you will have a plan of action ready.

It has begun to occur to me that life is a stage I'm going through. --Ellen Goodman

Air Guitar

Recently my husband and I took a trip to Kona, Hawaii. Trips to exotic places like this are the positive perks of being married to a neuroscientist. Even though most scientists want to spend all their waking time talking about the latest findings in gamma amino buturic acid, they want to hold such discussions in tropical locales. And I, as the non-scientist partner, am more than happy to tag along for the ride.

One evening after a day of snorkeling, my hubby and I went to the bar in the lobby of the hotel to relax and enjoy the music. The entertainment was provided by two, very talented, guys on acoustic guitars. They played everything from Don Ho to Neil Young. At the table next to us was a young Japanese couple who were really enjoying the show. When the musical duo launched into a Beatles classic, the couple enthusiastically joined in on air guitar. As the singers crooned, the happy couple joined in on song as well. They stood up and played in mime along with the two entertainers holding real guitars. Eyes closed, broad smiles on their faces, they strummed and did their best imitations of Paul McCartney and John Lennon.

I have to admit, at first, I was embarrassed by their performance. I felt uncomfortable by their lack of self-restraint. I silently willed them to sit down and enjoy the show like the rest of the audience, with foot-tapping during and hand-clapping at the end, of each song. However, as I watched the free-spirited pair, I am happy to say that the "fuss-budget" in me was soon swept away by the couple's sheer enthusiasm and pleasure in singing along and dancing with the band, regardless of what anyone might think.

As I relaxed and enjoyed the couple enjoying the show, my husband and I, as well as the others in the bar, were swept up by the couple's energy and enthusiasm. Soon we were all dancing and playing air guitar. The hired entertainers loved the response of the audience and we left our self-conscious selves glued to our chairs, while our unencumbered selves boogied to the beat.

The images of that night continue to play in my head weeks after returning to the mainland. There was a child-like quality to the couple's actions. For most of us, there was a time in childhood where we were swept away by imagination and fun. We ran around the house sporting bath towels for capes and held glorious tea parties with our stuffed animals. We ran and cartwheeled when we felt like it and danced and sung when the mood struck.

Somewhere along the line, as we matured toward adulthood, we traded in our magic capes for the heavy cloak of self-consciousness and concern about what our peers thought of us. Our free-spiritedness was tamed and hemmed in. I see this happening now with my own teenage daughter. She would rather eat shards of glass than wear those dreaded high-waisted pants or receive a publicly humiliating kiss on the cheek from her mom in front of her peers.

The question that continues to surface in my head is: How often do we hold ourselves back from experiencing something new and pleasurable because we are concerned about what others will think?

This is a particularly tough issue for those of us who were raised by parents' who said "What will the neighbor's think?" when attempting to discourage us as children from doing something they didn't approve of.

What would happen if you didn't worry about others' opinions?

What would you accomplish?

What would you challenge yourself to strive for?

What would happen if you got out of your own way and just jumped headlong into a new experience?

I want to stress that when I am talking about engaging in a new behavior or experience, I am not encouraging you to do something that would place yourself or anyone else at physical or emotional risk. What I am suggesting is embracing opportunities to stretch and grow beyond the confines and limitations of your daily interactions, and believing in yourself and what you can achieve. For instance:

What would happen if you spoke up at the staff meeting tomorrow and shared your ideas?

What would happen if you finally asked that girl or guy at the coffeeshop out?

What would happen if you signed up for that night class?

My bet is that you would feel more alive and connected to the here and now, rather than drifting aimlessly through your day. It's risky to throw caution to the wind, but chances are you will be swept up by the current and land in a place you never would have guessed!

Thought for the Day: Do something today that forces you to step outside your self-consciousness and observe what happens. Congratulate yourself on your courage!

We know what we are but not what we may be. Shakespeare