Tuesday, March 18, 2008



The Art of Apology

Sometimes in my work as a psychologist, themes appear to emerge in the treatment of my client population. For the past few weeks, the theme currently playing out in the lives of many of my clients seems to focus on the difficult art of how to ask forgiveness after intentionally or unintionally causing psychological pain to another. I know this challenge is not confined to those who visit the walls of my office, instead, the difficult and sometimes elusive, act of truly asking for forgiveness burrows its way into the heart of each of us at one point or another.

Every one of us has been hurt by another in our past. You may have been raised in a family where one parent belittled you. Or you may have been ridiculed by an unthinking teacher in school. Perhaps you were bullied and teased on the elementary playground or you were rejected in high school by your school crush. Depending on the duration and severity of the emotional pain, you may carry a large, shadowy, part of that old pain with you into your current, adult life. Perhaps because you never received an apology for those old psychological bumps and bruises, you may be very sensitive to hurts from others. Because you never experienced the power of a sincere apology, you may not know how to do it so that your intended feels the full, cleansing effect of a request for forgiveness.

Here are a few steps to follow next time the need to apologize arises:

1. Acknowledge your error, hurtful comment or action. Many people have difficulty with this first step and instead tell the other things like: "I didn't mean it" or "You heard it wrong" or "You shouldn't let that bother you." When one does this, they dismiss the very real feelings of the other in the act of deflecting the seriousness of the comment or action. Instead say: "I realize I hurt you by...." or "I am sorry to have hurt you when I said ..." By offering such responses, you take responsibility for your actions or comments and how they have affected another. You sincerely acknowledge your role in causing the other pain or sadness. This is the first step to healing the problem.

2. Offer an explanation for your action or comment. This is not the time to pull out the time-honored blame card which goes like this: "Well, if you hadn't (fill in the blank), I wouldn't have (fill in the retaliatory blank)." Instead, this is the opportunity for you to come clean about your own motivations for your action or comment. You might say: "I know I hurt you when I said.... I realize I was feeling insecure about ..." Or "I realize it was unthinking of me to..." Now is the time to truly reflect on your own reasons for doing or saying what you did to the other. It's time to be a grown-up and give up the adolescent "I dunno" refrain from years past.

3. Next ask the person how your actions or comments affected him or her. Take time to truly listen to how he or she feels. Refrain from defensiveness and the impulse to tell the person they shouldn't feel the way they do. Instead look them in the eye and acknowledge their feelings by saying "I understand and I am sorry to have hurt you." The act of truly looking at someone while they express their feelings is a powerful healing tool. Simply listen, don't try to fix or dismiss. Absorb their pain, not deflect it away. Acknowledge what they tell you without defense.

4. The final, and most forgotten step to the act of asking for forgiveness is to ask the other what you can do to make things right. This is important because you are letting the other know that you are ready to take action to correct the hurt. Apologetic words mean little when the hurtful actions or comments continue to be repeated. If the person you have hurt is truly important to you, the show them with your actions that you respect, honor and cherish them. Making things right could mean anything from providing a heart-felt hug to taking more involved action to right a wrong.

Thought for the Day: If you hurt someone today by your words or actions, truly make things right by apologizing with sincerity and follow the steps above.

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Saturday, March 08, 2008



The Backbone's Connected To the...Ouch!

I have just returned from my first day at the gym in nearly a month. Yesterday I completed my second trip to rehab, err, I mean physical/therapy. My teenage daughter snarls when I use the word "rehab" as she doesn't want her friends to think I have joined up with Amy Winehouse et al. And the reason for my absence at the gym and new membership to Club P/T? Let's say it's an adverse reaction to great dane ownership. About a month back, I had the two dogs out for their walk and both became ecstatic over an opportunity to meet up with an approaching beagle. I tried feebly to contain their enthusiasm and soon found myself skidding along on my backside, doing my own version of stunt land-skiing for about a foot or so. Zeebo, the male dane, stopped and looked down at me, jowls a-flubber, as if to ask, "What are you doing down there?" Suki, the female, barely took notice of my awkward plight, and continued barking and howling at the now-past beagle. I hobbled the half-mile home, telling them both they were "horrible dogs" all the way, although I can't say they appeared to register any form of remorse. I crawled into bed with an icepack, ibuprofen and muscle relaxants within arms-reach for the next 72 hours. All seemed to be on the tender mend until last Monday when I sneezed while driving my daughter to school. I never once imagined that a simple sneeze could cause a lightning bolt to shoot up my spine. Once more, I limped into bed for a few hours with an icepack and gave in to the realization that it was time to see a doc.

One week after an MRI, xray and ingestion of some glorious steroids, I am that much closer to healing from a bulging disk at L5. With my doc and PT's permission, this afternoon I happily engaged in a 10 minute walk in the pool, plus an odd assortment of exercises with names like "dying bug" and "airplane." With careful attention I will be lacing up my running shoes and out on the trails once again.

This experience has been yet another opportunity for learning. Once again I have received a wake-up call to remind me that I do not possess superhuman strength (even though I may think so at times) and that it is probably an unwise decision for me to walk both canine giants at the same time. This experience has also been a lesson in patience. I realize that I have some difficulty in allowing the process of healing to occur on it's own time schedule. After a few days of incapacitation, I began to grumble and snap at my loved ones. Although I denied being irritable when my husband suggested such, I later had to admit that I did snip a bit. After weeks of not being able to exercise, my mood shifted into the sluggish, carbohydrate vs. sugar-craving doldrums. Like someone trying to kick a drug habit, I became aware of my uncomfortable withdrawal from my dependency on exercise-promoting endorphins running through my veins, bathing my brain with good feelings. And finally, having always been a self-sufficient person, it remains difficult for me to ask for assistance, even from those in my own household.

So I have had to force a shift in thinking, opening myself up to other ways to keep myself sane and happy while my body takes its own sweet time mending my back and me back to health. I realize I need to be conscious and grateful for the mobility I have, particularly with the knowledge that I am blessed to be told I will be able to return to my previous level of activity. Today I was grateful for my daughter accompanying me to the gym for the stroll in the pool. Since I have been a bit incapacitated, I am grateful for her helpfulness and attention, particularly since I know she will be off to college before I know it. Astonishingly, she even helped me grocery shop and unload the bags when we returned home. (It could be that her helpfulness had something to do with her being able to practice her driving skills in the process, but that's okay.) I am grateful for my husband's efforts to make dinner (thank goodness for instant taco mix) and to keep me entertained. Since I can't head out to the trails to run when I get home from work, I have been able to spend more time in mindful meditation and silent assessment of the workings of my breath. I have become more aware of the relaxation response that occurs through meditation and muscle relaxation. Not being able to run, I have been forced to slow down and increase my awareness of my environment. Sitting outside in the warm Spring sun this morning, I watched a pair of wrens prepare a nest for future family. I fed apples to our tortoise and watched the dogs play tag in the backyard.

Not that I would recommend a back injury to anyone, I am grateful for the opportunity to be aware of the incredible, ever-changing and healing machine I call my body. I am grateful to be aware of the love and generosity of my friends and family when I am down. And, yes, I am even grateful for the exuberant, clumsy dogs in my life, because without them this might have been a lesson lost.

Thought for the Day: If you are a person experiencing physical or emotional discomfort, what can you do to shift your thoughts toward a place of learning?

If we are too busy, if we are carried away every day by our projects, our uncertainty, our craving, how can we have the time to stop and look deeply into the situation-our own situation, the situation of our beloved one, the situation of our family and of our community, and the situation of our nation and of the other nations?

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Saturday, March 01, 2008



Manage Your Monkey Mind

(This following is an excerpt from the March issue of my free monthly ezine. To subscribe simply go my website and register at the bottom of the page.)

March heralds the coming of Spring: the winter cold begins to thaw, brightly colored flowers peek through the ground, the Easter Bunny may hop into your backyard soon, and basketball fans are excitedly planning their month-long hibernation on the couch as college basketball March Madness begins. Coming late to the game and not being raised in a basketball-loving home, I have a different take on the term "March Madness." I think about the term as relating to the frenzy and flurry of thoughts which run through our minds on a minute-by-minute basis. If you are like most folks, your mind may race to keep up with the monologue in your head. I once read that the average person experiences over 60,000 thoughts in one day and yours may go something like this: "Gotta email Mary re: the project deadline....Don't forget to pick up the dry cleaning...Where did I put that folder?...Did I pay the cable bill?...Look at the time! I'm going to be late...Why did I eat that?...Did that noise come from my car?...I wonder what she meant by that comment" and on and on. You may not be fully aware of your internal commentator, but he or she is there, nearly 24/7. In this issue I offer you some suggestions as to how not to be held hostage by your thoughts. Instead I will teach you how to slow your mental process down in order to recenter yourself in the here and now to become more efficient and mindful of what you want to accomplish each day.

Manage Your Monkey Mind
Here in San Antonio we have a wonderful zoo, complete with the requisite menagerie of lions, tigers, and bears. One of my favorite spots at the zoo is the monkey display. I love to watch the original trapeze artists, the spider monkey, swing effortlessly through the climbing structure. Their darting eyes and nimble fingers are rarely still. Their impulsive antics sometimes result in minor spats and squawks of disapproval with their roommates, particularly when one has snatched a peanut out of the hand of another. When not swinging, they amble about their cage. When not ambling, they groom their neighbor. When not grooming another, they scratch their own particular itch. When not scratching, they put things in their mouths for a taste. It is rare to see a quiet monkey at my zoo.

Our thoughts are a bit like those busy spider monkeys: constantly searching, observing, commenting, criticizing, critiquing. Flitting from one branch to another; our thoughts jump wildly to ruminating about the past, then bungy-jump off to worry about the future, not content to rest long in the here and now. They chatter while you drive, watch TV, and stand in line at the bank. They chatter as you daydream or prepare for sleep. Some thoughts may be friend while others, foe. Sometimes the chattering thoughts take over, particularly when anxiety or depression-driven, and take charge of our actions. Repetitive or random thoughts may make you feel confused, distracted and helpless to change your current situation. For some people, thoughts become the driving force and spiral them into action--with positive or negative consequences. Positive thoughts encourage and motivate us to achieve and grow. Negative ones sap us of energy, joy and experiencing the wonder of our current moment.

Buddhists have a wonderful term for these flitting mental gymnastics: Monkey Mind. According to Zen Buddhist tradition, the untrained mind is like a cluttered room filled with wild, unruly monkeys running loose in one's head. Imagine each of these monkeys as a random thought in your daily consciousness. These monkeys are the chatter you hear in your head every second of the day while you go about your daily business. There is a lot of power behind our thoughts: Positive or negative, they influence and impact our lives. Effectively managing your thoughts is a profound way to improve your day-to-day experience.

One of the ways to tame your little monkeys is to learn simple meditation. I have written about the power of meditation in past issues and this technique is one of the first things I suggest to my clients to help improve their awareness. Before you become concerned that I am suggesting you change your religion, I will tell you that I am not suggesting this at all. Meditation is a technique to gain awareness of your thoughts and to learn how to distinguish between thinking a thought and acting on the thought. Our thoughts are simply mental matter. Many thoughts do not necessarily require action: Jumping to safety and out of the way of an oncoming car? Yes. Taking a second helping of chocolate cake? No. Meditation allows you to tame your monkey mind by moving beyond thought--to become aware of a thought, allowing it to rise up and float away without letting it pull you off in a different direction. Being able to concentrate is one of the tools that allow you to slow down your mental process and focus on observing your thoughts without being, as a client puts it "emotionally hijacked." Meditation allows you to harness the power of your mind, settle down and focus, on one subject at a time.

Meditation Made Simple
Without having to run out to a purchase a pair of yoga pants and meditation bowls, the steps below will provide you with the basics of simple meditation. One of the easiest ways to be introduced to the practice is to focus on your breath. Whenever your monkey mind kicks up a fuss, return your focus onto your breath.

Turn your phones to silent and let others in your household know that you would like to be undisturbed for 10 minutes or so.

Choose a place where you can get comfortable. You may want to sit on the floor or be supported in a chair. Or you may prefer to lie in your bed. Whatever place you choose, plan to give yourself at least ten minutes of quiet time.

Loosen any restrictive clothing and move to your comfortable, chosen place.
Close your eyes and breathe naturally for a few moments. Give yourself permission to relax and focus on yourself during this time. Relax your jaw and allow your face to soften.

After a few moments, turn your attention to your breath. Make your breath deep, calm and as regular as you can. At the top of your inhalation, pause briefly before you exhale. Continue this breathing pattern for a few moments.

At the next inhalation, silently count 1, and on the exhalation count 2. On the next inhalation count 3 and on the exhalation count 4. Continue this up to 10 breaths, then repeat in descending order.

You will likely notice that thoughts about your day begin to enter your mind. Simply allow these thoughts to come, acknowledge them, and let them drift on by like a cloud in the sky. Gently bring your attention back to your regular, calm breath.
Continue this breathing exercise for as long as you wish. You will find yourself more relaxed and calm when you are done.

Peer reviewed journal articles support studies that suggest meditation and other relaxation techniques have exhibited significant reductions in symptoms of heart disease, high blood pressure, IBS, chronic pain and stress. If you take time for daily meditation (even for ten minutes) then you will find your decision making process in your day-to-day life will be more controlled and centered. You will find yourself less reactive and driven by your thoughts. And most importantly, you will be able to experience your life with better health, more appreciation, compassion and humor.
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"It is commonly held view that meditation is a way to shut off the pressures in the world or your own mind, but this is not an accurate impression. Meditation is neither shutting things out nor off. It is seeing clearly and deliberately, positioning yourself different in relationship to your thoughts."
--Jon Kabat-Zinn