Birthday Babblings

On January 15 I will wake up one tentative, but inevitable, step closer to living for one half a century. Holy cow--could that really be happening to me?! I don't feel that I could possibly have been walking around this earth for nearly 50 years, but neither the numbers, nor the crow's feet around my eyes, lie. I am now balanced exactly halfway between 45 and 50--another "tween" of sorts.

The half-century mark certainly gives one pause. I have been spending some time over the past couple of weeks both in reflection and looking forward to what I want to accomplish in the next 5, 10, 20 and, hopefully, 30 years.

On the reflection end, as I think about each decade of my life so far, there are clear milestones which were accomplished. My 20s were spent figuring out who I was and making tentative choices about who I wanted to become. All the choices propelled me forward, although whether it was in the direction I would have predicted was not always the case. College, a premature test of marriage and subsequent divorce, graduate school, meeting my future husband and his three children and learning to balance and navigate the sometimes treacherous road of stepmotherhood.

I remember celebrating when I turned 30 because, naively, I felt that the tumultuous times of the 20s were behind me and now that I was an "adult", life would be smooth sailing for a while. HA!! My 30s welcomed my marriage, the birth of my daughter and earning my PhD all in the same year. My husband decided to accept a career opportunity that required us to pack up our home in the Bay Area and move to the uncharted (at least in my mind) environs of Texas. During my late 30s my parents both passed away, propelling me in an odd way into true adulthood and holding my little family and group of friends ever closer to my heart. I became a licensed psychologist and immersed myself into my professional work of listening to children and teens, helping them to make it through their own, frequently, difficult and frightening life course.

So here I am in my late 40s and as I look back on this decade thus far, I am struck by how my life continues to move in amazing ways. Parenting is not as intense now, as compared to parenting younger kids. I am blessed with three great adult stepkids and a teen who thus far appears to have a pretty good head on her shoulers. My husband and I have more time to spend together, enjoying getting to know each other again after years spent focusing on career and parenting demands.

My parents' deaths marked the beginning of a whole different focus and direction in my life. It forced me to think about how I was choosing to live my life. Was it moving in the direction of my choosing? Although I was content with my role as a psychologist, I felt that I was "stuck" in many ways. I had stopped being curious--I had stopped challenging myself to grow in my career. I began to consider other career options and that is when I discovered coaching. Since becoming a coach, my career has expanded, my excitement for my work has blossomed and I once again approach life from a place of curiosity and gratitude. I have stretched myself to dabble into creating and merchandising my flying pig products. I have challenged myself to become more comfortable speaking in front of groups.

40s is my decade to grow and become...More. I know that sentence is not grammatically correct, but what I am trying to say is I want to place myself in the path of opportunities and embrace them, rather than turn away or hold myself back.

Growing older and closer to death forces one to think about how to spend the remaining time, how ever long or short that time may be.

What more do I want to accomplish?
What more do I want out of life?
What more can I give to others?
How can I give back to my community?
How can I love more and show this love to those who are important to me?

At this point in my life, I am opening myself up to exploration, just as I did in my 20s. I now look at life with the question: "What else do I want to experience?" In my work with my clients, I urge them to live their lives in a way that when they are 80, they do not look back with regret for the lost opportunities. I, for one, want to be a vibrant 80 year old woman who smiles as I recall my life, my loves, and my adventures. So this one is a "Happy Birthday to Me" post. May you who read today's post apply the same attitude to your own life. After all, this is your life, live it with purpose!

We turn not older with years, but new every day! ---Emily Dickinson