The Art of Apology

Sometimes in my work as a psychologist, themes appear to emerge in the treatment of my client population. For the past few weeks, the theme currently playing out in the lives of many of my clients seems to focus on the difficult art of how to ask forgiveness after intentionally or unintionally causing psychological pain to another. I know this challenge is not confined to those who visit the walls of my office, instead, the difficult and sometimes elusive, act of truly asking for forgiveness burrows its way into the heart of each of us at one point or another.

Every one of us has been hurt by another in our past. You may have been raised in a family where one parent belittled you. Or you may have been ridiculed by an unthinking teacher in school. Perhaps you were bullied and teased on the elementary playground or you were rejected in high school by your school crush. Depending on the duration and severity of the emotional pain, you may carry a large, shadowy, part of that old pain with you into your current, adult life. Perhaps because you never received an apology for those old psychological bumps and bruises, you may be very sensitive to hurts from others. Because you never experienced the power of a sincere apology, you may not know how to do it so that your intended feels the full, cleansing effect of a request for forgiveness.

Here are a few steps to follow next time the need to apologize arises:

1. Acknowledge your error, hurtful comment or action. Many people have difficulty with this first step and instead tell the other things like: "I didn't mean it" or "You heard it wrong" or "You shouldn't let that bother you." When one does this, they dismiss the very real feelings of the other in the act of deflecting the seriousness of the comment or action. Instead say: "I realize I hurt you by...." or "I am sorry to have hurt you when I said ..." By offering such responses, you take responsibility for your actions or comments and how they have affected another. You sincerely acknowledge your role in causing the other pain or sadness. This is the first step to healing the problem.

2. Offer an explanation for your action or comment. This is not the time to pull out the time-honored blame card which goes like this: "Well, if you hadn't (fill in the blank), I wouldn't have (fill in the retaliatory blank)." Instead, this is the opportunity for you to come clean about your own motivations for your action or comment. You might say: "I know I hurt you when I said.... I realize I was feeling insecure about ..." Or "I realize it was unthinking of me to..." Now is the time to truly reflect on your own reasons for doing or saying what you did to the other. It's time to be a grown-up and give up the adolescent "I dunno" refrain from years past.

3. Next ask the person how your actions or comments affected him or her. Take time to truly listen to how he or she feels. Refrain from defensiveness and the impulse to tell the person they shouldn't feel the way they do. Instead look them in the eye and acknowledge their feelings by saying "I understand and I am sorry to have hurt you." The act of truly looking at someone while they express their feelings is a powerful healing tool. Simply listen, don't try to fix or dismiss. Absorb their pain, not deflect it away. Acknowledge what they tell you without defense.

4. The final, and most forgotten step to the act of asking for forgiveness is to ask the other what you can do to make things right. This is important because you are letting the other know that you are ready to take action to correct the hurt. Apologetic words mean little when the hurtful actions or comments continue to be repeated. If the person you have hurt is truly important to you, the show them with your actions that you respect, honor and cherish them. Making things right could mean anything from providing a heart-felt hug to taking more involved action to right a wrong.

Thought for the Day: If you hurt someone today by your words or actions, truly make things right by apologizing with sincerity and follow the steps above.

True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960