This weekend my best friend from high school escaped the cold and wet Fall of Illinois to soak up the warm sun and sip some margaritas here in sunny San Antonio. Kathleen is my oldest friend--she would want me to point that she is not to be confused with "oldest" in terms of chronological years! We met and instantly bonded in 9th grade Home Economics class nearly 30 years ago. As 14 year olds, we learned how to create Chicken Tettrazini and Baked Alaska, the meringue topped ice cream- filled cake that defies melting if hermetically sealed before placing it in an awaiting hot oven. I remember wondering if, as an adult, I would concoct such dishes each night to amaze and astound my friends and family. I can honestly say I haven't pulled that particular rabbit out of my hat since that class.
Back in the day we were inseparable--sharing clothes, wandering the halls together, pointing out the cute boys, and decorating each other's lockers on special days. After school we religiously piled onto the overstuffed couch at her house, transfixed by the dramatic twists and turns facing the residents of Pine Valley on "All My Children" while wolfing down melted cheese sandwiches. We pored over Seventeen Magazine and could rely on the other to provide honest feedback about a new hairstyle or eye shadow experiment. After high school we went on to become roommates, sharing a series of apartments while testing our wings in the workplace. We weathered arguments over bills, groceries and boyfriends. We comforted each other over break ups. We were in each other's weddings and celebrated the births of our children. Over this past decade we have consoled each other through our parents' deaths. Now we share confidences and worries over our own parenting struggles, approaching mid-life and the life ahead of us as we grow older over the telephone and by email.
Despite the fact that we live states apart and only see each other every couple of years, she is the friend I feel closest to because she has beared witness to the evolution of my life, and I hers. She saw me in braces and headgear--I saw here emulating the Farrah Fawcett winged-look. Although I am not aware of her day-to-day activities and challenges she faces in her workplace, I feel an immediate ease and connection when I hear her voice on the other end of the line. Sharing the weekend with my friend allowed me a chance to be grateful for our ability as humans to seek out such connection and social contact with others.
I am grateful to for all of my friendships with women--those that have been time-tested as well as the new ones which are just beginning to bud. I learn so much from the relationships I share with my women friends. During pregnancy I quizzed other expectant moms about their symptoms, experiences and worries. When my daughter was young, I gleaned advice from other moms who were a few years ahead of me on the Mommy Timeline. Throughout my career as a therapist and life coach, I have sought out other women from whom I could be mentored and guided to become a better, more skilled clinician and coach. Together with my running buddies we discuss and sort through life's blips and burps as sweat drips off us while we pound out the miles.
We all know that contact with others is important but many do not realize that friendships do great things for our health. Scientists now suspect that hanging out with friends can actually counteract the stress most of us experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. When the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response (which stress studies involving male subjects support) and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, because testosterone (which men produce in high levels when they are under stress) seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen seems to enhance the production of oxytocin.
Social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. Friends help us live longer and better. A health study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life.
So, when was the last time you bonded with your best bud? Pick up the phone for your health and the health of your friend!
Thought for the Day: Take a few minutes each day this week to connect with a neighbor, colleague or friend. Pay attention to how your body feels after you have spent some time "shooting the breeze" or sharing an event in your day. Relationships take effort--but the benefits are well worth it!
"My friends give me a sense,
not only of who I am,
but of what I truly can become." Dan Garland
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