Over the next weeks families will begin to plan to migrate to each other's homes to gather in celebration of the holidays. There is so much expectation around the holidays: Everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly and all family members are supposed to love spending time together. The reality is that it can be an extremely stressful time.
I have heard the holidays referred to as the Terrible Toos: too much expectation, too many visitors and family members, and too many obligations. Stressors increase around the holidays due to many factors including: over-commercialism, family members coming together who perhaps don't get along, increased stress and fatigue. For some folks it is a difficult time due to increased feelings of depression, SAD or loss. We have shorter days and less sunshine which can affect the moods of some people. There is often the reunion syndrome stressors: From competition over who has the best job, who's dating, to who's having a baby. For folks who may not have had such a great year, there may be some embarrassment about getting together with family members.
In preparation for my appearance on the morning show this morning on Magic 105.3 FM, I wrote this little acronym to keep your holiday gathering from turning into a turkey! By following these steps you will communicate your needs with yourself and others and you will be showing up to the family gathering as an adult. You will be taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions and perhaps respond to family triggers in a different manner.
Take things in stride. Try to allow some of the stressors to slide off of you like Teflon rather than attaching to you like Velcro. Realize that the gathering is likely stressful for everyone on some level. The kids may be overexcited and tired; some family members may not travel well and may be fatigued from the airport experience. The host family may be exhausted before they even open the door to welcome the first guest because of the preparation and cooking. Acknowledge that everyone may not be showing up at the door at their shining best--cut yourself and them some slack.
Understand that the holidays will not magically repair fractured relationships nor resolve long-standing issues. Just because everyone in the Norman Rockwell paintings and in holiday movies appear to live happily ever after, does not mean that your family issues will be resolved by the end of the holiday gathering. Also the holiday gathering is not the best time to bring a long-standing issue up for resolution. It's best to choose another time where you can discuss the issue in privacy without everyone and their brother getting involved.
Remember to take care of yourself in terms of maintaining exercise, proper nutrition and sleep. When we are stressed we tend to let go of healthy habits: We don't sleep well, we overeat or over-drink and over spend--and then we kick ourselves and feel more anxious or depressed by our actions. This year, set yourself up for success by creating a plan for healthy eating and self-care. This is particularly true if you have any medical or psychological difficulties. If you are diabetic, have high blood pressure or you have been diagnosed with depression or some other psychological issue, it is especially important that you continue to be responsible for your well-being. Ignoring your health needs will only make you feel worse in the long run.
Keep things in perspective and be kind to yourself. If you are feeling stressed out by the hours or days of being held captive by relatives, then periodically remove yourself from the situation for short respites: Take a walk, go into the bathroom for some deep breathing exercises--do what you need in order to take care of yourself to regain a sense of calm. This step is also important if you are recovering from the death of a loved one or other loss such as divorce or separation. The holidays trigger memories of times spent with your loved one and can intensify feelings of loneliness and sadness. Talk with others about your feelings or seek out services from a mental health professional if you feel you are having difficulty coping with your loss.
Enjoy the experience in the here and now rather than focusing on the past or on what the gathering "should" be. Focus on what you want to get out of the experience--maybe make a plan ahead of time to spend more time playing with your nieces and nephews rather than arguing politics with your Uncle Fred. Think about the choices you can implement to make the experience a positive one for yourself.
Say "Yes" to the things you want to participate in and "No" to those that will overextend your emotions, finances or time. Set some boundaries for yourself and be clear to yourself and others about your limits.
Armed with these strategies you will be certain to fly through the holidays with less stress and tension and, who knows, you may actually find yourself looking forward to the next family gathering!
Thought for the Day: Start using this acronym this week--long before the stressors of the holidays begin. Let me know if following these guidelines helps you to enjoy your family gathering this season!
"You don't choose your family.
They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
--Desmond Tutu
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