Living By 10s

Earlier this week I received sad news about the deaths of two people close to members of my family. One was a mother, recently diagnosed with brain cancer, who left her young adult children and husband much too soon. The other was a kind and well-respected graduate student who drowned while heroically saving his girlfriend who had been pulled into a rip current. As I think about these deaths, my mind waffles back and forth between a certain belief that there is a reason and purpose to everything and a sadness that both lives were ended so young. Did they serve their purpose in their lives? What was their purpose?

Death is the ultimate reminder that we must live our lives authentically and with intention. To enjoy and savor each moment we have with loved ones. To breathe in the exquisite experience of simply walking on this planet. I cannot begin to know their lives and how these two individuals lived each day. My hope is that they lived their days to the fullest, with purpose--how many of us can say we do that each and every day? Personally there are days where my thoughts are consumed with lists and errands or peeves and irritations. It is at night, when I am reflecting back that I realize how minor some of the things are that I hold onto and believe are important.

Living in and enjoying the moment takes concentration and effort. So often our thoughts zoom ahead of us. In conversation we are often ahead of the person we are talking to, planning and preparing our comeback or response to whatever it is they are saying--not truly listening and being present in the conversation. Malcolm Gladwell's bestselling book "Blink" offers a perspective about the kind of thinking that happens in the blink of an eye. Decisions are made in an instant that make an impact on our future either positively or negatively, and sometimes tragically. How can we slow the process down as best we can so that we make conscious choices about the way we live our lives?

In this month's Oprah Magazine, Suzy Welch writes about her "Rule of 10-10-10" and how the implementation of this rule has helped her to solve nearly every personal and professional quandary in her life. I see her Rule as a way to stay in the present while briefly projecting oneself in the future to test out whether a particular decision is a good one. Her Rule goes like this: Each time she finds herself in a situation where there appears to be no solution, she asks herself the following three questions.

"What are the consequences of my decision in 10 minutes?
In 10 months?
In 10 years?"

Her answers help her to make the best choice and also helps her to explain her choice to those who will feel its impact. Applying these questions to your own situation will help you to clarify your values and provide you with direction as to how to honor what is most important to you. Your responses are individualized, tailored just for you, and you can see how a yes or no response may impact your relationships, professional life, health, and sense of personal fulfillment. Welch writes that this process helped her to slow her life down and make it her own. I can't agree more with her observation--we experience more joy and satisfaction when we are living our lives in an authentic, purposeful and mindful manner. Take some time today to grab ahold of the reins of your life and move toward a life of intention!

Thought for the Day: Test out the 10-10-10 Rule in your own decision-making process this week. How did it help you reach clarity about a quandary?

"Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently,
but life itself would come to be different." --Katherine Mansfield

The Power of the Question

It's likely you have experienced the endless curiosity of a 4 year old: "Why is the sky blue? What makes cars go? Why don't dogs have horns? Do fish drink water?" These are a few of the questions posed to me by daughter way back when. If my response to her query wasn't sufficient, she would place her hands on her hips and launch into the equally well known chorus: "But WHY?" A perk of living with a college professor is that I could punt to him when I found myself stumped and mired in a response to one of her questions. He got the questions related to science, astronomy and bodily functions; I got the rest.

I feel that curiosity about the world and our lives is something that seems to diminish the further we are from our childhood. One of the things I do as a coach is to begin to ask questions with the hope that such queries will invite my client to gain some clarity about a problem, discover new approaches to a situation or launch themselves out of procrastination or confusion and into an action stage. Coaching questions often help a client to bypass the rational responses and provide me with information about their true feelings or dreams. There are many types of questions I may ask my clients to encourage them to create a greater possibility or new perspective. Below I have listed some of the questions from a coaching book "Coactive Coaching" by Laura Whitworth(you can read my comments on this book by accessing my website and clicking on My Book Picks). These can be:

Anticipation: What might happen if you....? What if that doesn't work as planned? What is your backup plan?

Assessment: What do you think is best? How do you feel about that?

Clarification: What do you mean? Can you tell me more about that? What do you want?

Evaluation: Is this a good thing? How does this fit with your plan? What is your assessment of this situation?

The other purpose of the questioning is for me to gain a greater understanding of what my client is experiencing. I seek information in order to be able to see things as much as I can, through their eyes. Questions that help me do this are:

Example: Can you give me an example of when that happened? What did that feel like for you?

Elaboration: Can you tell me more about that? Is there more? What other ideas do you have about that?

Fun as perspective: What was fun about that? How can you make this fun? What was humorous about that situation.

For instance: If you could do it over, what would you do differently? What would you say to someone else facing this situation? If you could do anything at all, what would it be?

As a coach I am not attached to a particular path or outcome for my client--this allows me to be curious and to help my client seek out meaning and discover more about themselves. Often the questions I pose allow a client to look deeper into themselves. In my work, I get to tap into my curiosity, just like a young child. I approach my clients from a place of wonder and sincere curiosity. I need to understand their thoughts, dreams and fears in order for me to understand how I can assist them in moving forward. This is what I love about my job!

Thought for the Day: Think about a goal you would like to work towards. As an exercise this week, pose a few of the questions listed above to yourself or ask a friend or family member to ask them of you with relation to that goal.

"If you do not ask the right questions, you do not get the right answers. A question asked in the right way often points to its own answer. Asking questions is the A-B-C of diagnosis. Only the inquiring mind solves problems." --Edward Hodnett

Raring to Go Toward An Inspiring Life!

Checking in with this entry from the comforts of home. After a thankfully uneventful, but long, drive back from Cape Cod, our menagerie cruised back into San Antonio Friday evening after a four-day land-voyage. The return home each summer is always bittersweet--I experience a bit of melancholy to be leaving my friends and the beach behind in August, aware that I will not return for another nine months. At the same time I am excited and energized as I look forward to the unexpected opportunities ahead.

Each summer I spend some time thinking about what I want to focus on come September. In the past I have used the summer months in a variety of self-healing ways: to become more fit and healthy, to grieve for the loss of family members, to create a business plan and launch my Flying Pig merchandise, among other things. This year my goal is this: Besides keeping myself open to opportunity, helping others to create more fulfilling lives and attracting goodness into my own life, I will spend this year actualizing Debbie Ford's "The Right Questions." If you are unfamiliar with this remarkable book, I encourage you to check it out as it is a book that will truly change your life (I have it listed on my website Book Picks section). The author has created a list of ten surprisingly simple, but profound, questions which help one to gain awareness about how certain decisions and choices have lead to one's current state and how to make empowering and positive choices to create a more fulfilling life.

So often we move through each day, each month and each year in a robotic, unconscious manner. We often repeat behaviors that do not lead us any closer to an inspiring life or greater fulfillment. Examples of this are: talking yourself out of taking an adult education class this Fall, not pushing your plate away before you reach for the second helping, choosing to watch a mindless TV program over playing catch with your kids for 30 minutes. Every choice we make--each and every day--should be one that brings us closer to our goals and dreams, whether those goals are physical, spiritual or emotional. When we wake up from the unconscious reverie and focus on what we want in our lives and create a plan of action to move toward accomplishment and realization, we are rewarded and energized as we note our progress and accomplishment. It is only when we keep our goals in our heads, distractedly swimming about with no clear direction, that we experience the three Ds: disillusionment, discouragement and disappointment.

Question #1 from Debbie Ford's book "Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?" is the question for this month. In thinking about this question, I look at my behaviors and thoughts from a place of curiosity about whether my choices promote my vision of what I want in my life and whether my behaviors and thoughts bring me closer to the realization of my dreams. It is easy to remain frozen in the past, that is, afraid to approach a situation from a novel perspective. This is because we all experience a need for safety and predictability in our lives. Sometimes propelling oneself forward involves stepping outside your comfort zone and taking a risk. For some of my clients the fear of taking a risk keeps them anchored in a place where they are unhappy--their desire for predictability in their life outweighs their desire to realize their dreams and take a leap of faith to create change. I help my clients navigate this sometimes scary chasm and move into a place of greater fulfillment and self-confidence. Hold onto your dream, and if it is truly something you want for yourself, move yourself closer to that dream by making choices which empower rather than defeat you.

I will work to maintain a conscious awareness of the small and large choices I make over the course of the next 30 days--will you do the same in your life? Debbie Ford writes "When we're moving in the direction of our deepest desires, we feel the support of the entire universe behind us, and we are inspired by our lives." Isn't now the time to feel inspired by YOUR life?

Thought for the Day: Write down a goal you would like to accomplish within the next 30 days. As you move through the next 30 days, ask yourself the following question: "Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?" What changes will you make to keep yourself moving forward toward your inspiring future rather than frozen in your unhappy present with regard to that goal?

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow. --Langston Hughes

Bowled Over By Love
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you have shared in my life lessons taught to me by my two great danes, Zeebo and Suki. My latest lesson has been about the power of love and gratitude. Some lessons are learned easily while others require a bit of suffering and pain. Unfortunately, this lesson involved the latter. The opening chapter of my lesson began three weeks ago while on a typical evening "walk-the-dogs" stroll by the beach with my family. It was a gorgeous evening, a cool breeze blew off the water and the sun was just beginning to set for the night. The dogs were feeling frisky and a bit boisterous after being cooped up for most of the day. My husband, stepdaughter and I were recapping the day's events while crossing the parking lot of the beach. I handed Zeebo's leash off to my husband while I picked up after Suki and walked a few feet to the garbage receptacle. As I turned around, I saw the dogs were chasing and wrestling with each other while my husband struggled to maintain control. Zeebo spotted me and bounded toward me with such exuberance as if I had been away from his side for weeks rather than seconds. All 130 lbs of him leapt toward me at nearly full speed. I stepped to my left and turned sideways in an attempt to block his leap with the thought that he would miss me. Instead he "chested" me like a football player and my husband reported I was knocked down "like a bowling pin."

I remember Zeebo's joyful expression while bounding toward me, feeling the impact of his chest on my upper body, stumbling in slow motion to regain my balance, realizing that I was fast approaching the pavement with no time to change the direction of my impact and landing boom..boom..boom...knee...hand...elbow onto the blacktop. The worst part of the fall was the elbow--I felt as though my arm had been transformed into a large hand saw which someone was holding by the handle and quivering to create an awful twanging experience up and down my arm. It was one of the most painful things I have experienced--a new measuring bar to add to childbirth and root canal work. It took me several moments to regain my breath and stand up to assess the damage. After x-rays in ER, the evening ended with me in a half cast and sling to wear for a week until I could get an appointment with an orthopedist to determine if there was a break. Thankfully, there was no break and I was told to wear the sling for a few weeks til the nerve damage was mended.

So what's the lesson, you ask, other than to wear hockey gear when out walking the dogs? For me the lesson was to be grateful for the gift of mobility and health. Since the accident I have been painfully reminded about the exquisite pleasure one should acknowlege when it comes to being able to complete tasks independently, like opening a can of spaghetti sauce by myself or cutting up my own food. I have also become aware of the love of my family as they have become more helpful and solicitous as my injured "wing" heals. Once again I think about that Joan Baez lyric "Don't it always seem to go, you don't know what you've got til it's gone" and realize how I have taken my healthy and moveable parts for granted. As my body works its magic to heal my elbow, I am increasingly grateful and thankful each day for the incremental steps towards full recovery. Each morning I give a silent "thanks" as I recover a bit more mobility without pain. Today I am typing this entry with both hands, a definite improvement from the hunt and peck routine of last week! Earlier this week I spoke with a family member who experiences chronic medical issues. Joyce exudes an attitude of wonder and gratitude each day. She shared with me that she views each and every day as a second chance--the gift of life to be experienced and cherished. Life, for her, is full of opportunity and joy which she embraces with mindful attention in spite of her health problems.

Does such gratitude need to spring from pain? Perhaps sometimes it does, but my hope in sharing with you my experience is that you will take a moment to reflect and revel in all you have right now rather than your deficits or weaknesses.

Thought for the Day: Take a moment to assess your amazing and beautiful body and offer a silent prayer of gratitude.

"When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude."
--Elie Wiesel