A Real Person in Make Believe.

Earlier this week I attended a community fundraiser with my husband. It was a "black tie affair" which always makes me feel a bit like I am playing dress up in my mom's "fancy" clothes. I love the pomp and circumstance around such events as everyone in attendance always seems to be transformed into glamorous and debonair beings. Plus, it's always fun to have a night out, away from the usual routine of "Did you finish your homework?" "Who's turn is it to do the dishes?" and the ever-present, "Is there anything to watch on tv tonight?" As my tuxedoed husband drove our pumpkin carriage/Toyota Highlander to the event, I silently wondered who our seatmates might be and which acquaintances we would see there. I am somewhat extroverted when it comes to meeting people in small groups (I take after my mom, once again) and I love hearing about what people do in their day to day lives.

As the evening progressed, I felt a nagging feeling of discontent. I pinpointed the feeling to a realization that here we were at a beautiful event--the setting was right, the flowers were perfect, the music was soothing--but what was missing was authentic human conversation.

Folks were caught up in "role playing" rather than "real playing" regarding communication.

People were speaking in "dress up" rather than engaging in real, authentic conversations. As I listened to the presenter and guest speakers and listened in on converations around me, most of the verbiage coming out of people's mouths were political acknowledgements, superficial fawnings and babble.

So what does being authentic in communication mean?

For me it means being present in a conversation with someone. This is more challenging than it seems--it is easy to drift off while someone is talking and wonder about the daily stuff--what to cook for dinner...did I remember to call the dentist...don't forget to pick up dog food at the store...and on and on. Dave Ellis says being present means "fully listening", maintaining my attention as well as opening up my mind to learning another's perspective or experience. Listening fully means opening up to the ideas of others and being willing to change my opinion. When we listen fully we give up the notion that we know how things are "supposed to be". Approaching conversations in this manner allows me to engage in an adventure with my seatmate, client, friend or family member.

Secondly, we have the ability to choose our conversations. Take a moment and think about how you felt when you have listened to someone's gripe session, day in and day out. I call this the Eeyore Syndrome--remember, the gloomy, all is lost, donkey from Winnie the Pooh? You may feel dragged down, dulled, like a bit of your energy has been sapped. Think about "water cooler" conversations--chatter about the weather or office gossip. How did you feel after those conversations? Now think about conversations you have had in which you walked away energized, excited and optimistic.

Imagine what would it be like if we chose our conversations with others that steer us toward our goals and expression of our values?

This is what coaching is about--having meaningful conversations with another person who helps you to deepen your daily experience and reach your goals and aspirations. A coach is one member of your personal community who helps you create a vision for what you want to achieve in your life and who encourages you along the journey toward getting what you want. As you begin to move towards the realization of your goals, you feel uplifted, energized and increasingly motivated!

That evening as I prepared for bed, I realized my agenda was different from others that night. I looked forward to connecting with people--deepening my understanding of what makes others' tick, what propels people forward in their lives and how we can support and encourage each other to grow. Perhaps I should have stayed in the mindset of "dress up" and then my expectations of the evening would have stayed in the realm of make believe--after all, I was in the company of a handsome prince!

Thought for the Day:What would you like to improve about your conversations with others to propel you toward your goals?


"Our words create our consciousness, our consciousness creates our actions, and our actions create our circumstances." --Dave Ellis