Go Ahead, Just Ask!

This past weekend we entertained a group of folks from my husband's workplace. I really love entertaining and having people over to our home. I think this stems from growing up in a household in which my mom was always on the lookout to invite someone home for afternoon coffee and cake or Sunday dinner. On the weekends, our house was often filled with my parents' friends--my dad's fishing buddies or fellow submarine vets and my mom's women friends. As a child, I could always look forward to a great dessert and lots of stories around the table if their friends were able to stay for dinner. I have to admit that on this particular Saturday, I was feeling extremely stressed as I scurried around like a neighborhood squirrel, hunting and gathering the party supplies and food. I promised myself that I would be completely ready for the guests by 4 pm, which would allow time for a 30 minute run and a quick shower before they were due at 5 pm. By 11:00 am, however, it was becoming increasingly evident that the likelihood of having time to go for a quick run in the afternoon shared the same odds as receiving a call from Oprah inviting me to be on her show this week!

Now, my household is populated by my hubby, our teenage daughter and my 20-something stepdaughter, plus the requisite animals--in our case, a 2 year old great dane and a 6 year old African desert tortoise. My human family members are all wonderful, kind, smart people whom I love very, very much and would not trade for anyone. That said, my family is not as detail-oriented as I am, and on weekend mornings they operate on "slow-as-molasses" speed while I have been on a caffeine-surge since 7:30 am thanks to Peet's Major Dickason's. So while I think in "lists" and scurry around the house doing many things at once, my family typically watches me with mild, sleepy interest as I buzz through my morning clean-up routine. Over the years, I have learned to juggle quite a number of things with great efficiency. This can be a wonderful thing on one hand: I managed to earn my Master's and Ph.D. degrees while raising an infant and 3 adolescent stepchildren AND stay married--but it also has some serious downsides, as sometimes I feel alone in managing household and work responsibilities.

On Saturday, I became conscious of dueling feelings of frustration and alarm as I scanned my lengthy To Do list and eyed my watch as the hour hand zoomed closer to 5 pm. Borrowing from Debbie Ford's book, "The Right Questions", I frequently ask my clients: "Will you use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will you use it as a chance to beat yourself up?" So, on Saturday afternoon I posed the same question to myself--there is nothing like having to walk the talk as a coach! This was my opportunity to change my life-long resistance/reluctance to asking for help, to grow up and address my fear of confrontation, and to stop holding onto resentment and frustration. So, at 4 pm, I let my husband in on my feelings and asked him to be more proactive in this event and in general household activities. Lo and behold, he didn't balk or tell me I was being ridiculous and he actually picked up the broom and swept up the loose dog kibble from the kitchen floor!

On Sunday, I spoke with my two daughters and, again, I was amazed that they both understood how I felt and promised to take more responsibility around the house! My stepdaughter even thanked me for bringing this to her attention and commended me for my assertiveness as she knew how difficult this was for me in the past--wow! Once I mustered up the courage to take action and stop tolerating what wasn't working for me, I realized that it was ME, holding myself back from evolving and moving forward. My family was more than willing to help me--all I had to do was ask!

So why are we so afraid to ask for what we need?

Are we afraid of looking needy, stupid, being rejected?

When we don't ask for what we need, we are holding ourselves back and keeping ourselves from improving our life experience. When we don't ask for what we want, we are saying "no" to ourselves before anyone else has a chance to (Jack Canfield). Canfield suggests that we should take the risk to ask for whatever we need. If someone says "no", we are no worse off than when we started. If they say "yes", we are a lot better off.

One of the keys to asking is that we need to be clear and specific about what we want. My big-time fear was of being rejected. However, if I hemmed and hawed, or slammed pots around the kitchen without opening my mouth to state what I needed and ask for help on Saturday--then nothing would have happened to improve the situation. Despite most folks' assumptions--our loved ones cannot read our minds. When I provided specific examples of what I needed from my family ("I need you to put the newspaper in the recycling bin when you are done with it" vs. "I need you to help out more"), each member was clear about what my request involved and each was able to respond with a clear "yes" or "no".

Today I feel much more free and less bogged-down--I made a real effort to change something that was not working for me any longer and my family responded positively to my requests. That act helped move me from a place of being stuck to closer to where I want to be in my life. I realize I will have to ask my family repeatedly for what I want, as this is new territory for all of us. For me that act of asking (and their responding) moved our relationship to a new level. Who knows what's next in my quest for self-improvement? This experience was definitely my gift (see previous post on 10/03/05) for the next couple of days!

Try this today: This exercise comes from "The Success Principles." Take time today and make a list of things you want but have been too afraid to ask for at home, school or work. Then write down your fear next to each item. Next write down what it is costing you not to ask. Then write down what benefit you would get if you were to ask. My bet is that the benefits of asking will outweigh the reasons for holding yourself back. Try it and let me know what you discover!

"You've got to ask. Asking is, in my opinion, the world's most powerful and neglected secret to success and happiness." --Percy Ross, self-made millionaire and philanthropist