The Flow of Friendship

The last few weeks have been a topsy-turvy wild ride of emotion involving my heart. An emptiness surfaced a few weeks ago as I said goodbye to a long-time friend and a short time later, the ache was soothed by the the reconnection of two friends. About two weeks ago my friend and colleague, Emilie, passed away after a decades-long battle with cancer. Emilie was one of the first therapists I met when I moved to San Antonio from the Bay Area. Emilie and her husband, Wayne, led a psychoanalytic group and welcomed me into the fold with open arms. I was lonely and hungry for professional contact after a few months in town and I became a member of the group for a number of years until life became a bit crazy as work and parenting demands escalated. I was fortunate though, in that Emilie and I worked at the same agency where we were able to joke across the table during Tuesday staff meetings. Emilie and her husband were known in the psychological community as "mentor parents" to those of us new to the area or desirous of collegial contact. Over the years we enjoyed each others company at various parties and gatherings and I cherish the memory of Emilie, with her clear soprano, and Wayne, with his strong tenor, serenading me a year ago at my birthday party. Throughout the years Emilie kept her battle with cancer private. When I found out that the cancer had spread and phoned her offering my support, Emilie said that she did not let many people know of her battle because she wanted there to be places and areas of her life where she could go that did not involve the C word. I was able to visit Emilie several times before she passed away and I feel fortunate to have been able to convey to her how meaningful her friendship has been to me over the nearly 14 years I have been in San Antonio. She was a gentle, bright and gifted woman whom I will miss.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, just a few days ago two old friends resurfaced. One reconnected following the loss of her job and the other reappeared after a lengthy healing process following a painful divorce. Karen worked crazy, vampire hours which prevented her from a whole lot of socializing during the hours regular humans are up and about. When she lost her job, she realized she savored time with her little girls, driving them to and from school, playing with them in the yard, as well reconnecting with supportive friends. Karen and I laughed for two hours at breakfast the other morning, catching up on events over the past 10 months since we last saw each other.

My other reconnection was Carol. Carol and I first met in graduate school and our friendship was cemented when we realized we were due to deliver our babies around the same time. I have a picture of the two of us, plus another woman, standing sideways, beaming with anticipation, proudly displaying our 8+ month bellies. Our babies were born 4 weeks apart and Carol and I supported, nurtured and guided each other through those first swoony, foggy months of newbie-motherhood. We coached each other through diapers and dissertation defense, potty training, licensure and beyond as our girls' entered the world of horses and late elementary school. Although we both left the Bay Area when our daughters were toddlers, Carol and I stayed in frequent contact via phone. Then one day Carol dropped out of sight: My phone calls went unanswered and my messages were unreturned. I was stunned and saddened by the disappearance of my friend. It took me a few years to let go of the confusing hurt, all the while hoping one day to see or speak to her again.

Early this week I received a friend invitation on Facebook from a woman whose name I didn't recognize. Always ready to purge spam, my finger hovered above the delete button, but something made me decide to open up the invite. To my surprise, there was Carol, with a different last name. Earlier this morning we reconnected for an hour on the phone, laughing and crying as we filled each other in on all that has taken place over the past 5 years. Carol explained her behavior, I listened and welcomed her back into my heart.

I am so thankful for my girlfriends and value the special connection I have with each of them. I am not one who has a bevy of friends...my FB friendships do not come close to rivaling the hundreds on my daughter's account. I am fortunate to still have a best friend from high school with whom I talk to at least once a month. I am even fortunate to count my brother's wife as one of my closest friends. Most of my friends here in TX are those which began as professional, then deepened into caring, loving relationships. Each woman has helped me in so many ways: encouraging me through graduate school, mentoring me through motherhood, comforting me through loss, laughing with me over goofy things, dancing wildly to great music, lending me their ear and attention when I am troubled. I, in turn, attempt to offer each of them what they need from me. At different times, our friendships have been intense, while at other times, they appear to drift, but I always know that when we speak on the phone, our conversations take off where we left them, with hardly a pause to catch up.

Some friends are present for a reason; usually to meet a need you have expressed, whether that be to help you through a transition, a difficulty or to provide you with support and encouragement. Sometimes this friend leaves, whether it be through moving away or through an action that causes the two of you to part. Often this happens when a need has been met and you are in a stronger emotional place. Some friends come into your life for a season because it is your turn to grow or learn. Your friend may teach you something you have never experienced and help you to stretch and evolve. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. This form of friendship builds upon a lifetime of experiences in order to create a solid foundation that time cannot disrupt. What I have realized preparing for this entry is that there is an ebb and flow to many things, including friendship. Just allowing the relationship to take its winding course rather than damming it with expectation allows you and your friend to grow and realize new things about one's self and the meaning of friendship.

Thought for the Day: Is now the time for you to reach out to a friend with whom you have lost contact?

When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
--James Taylor