Growing Pains

Over the past couple of weeks I have engaged in some testy interactions with my teen daughter. It all started a little less than a month ago when I suggested we spend a bit more time together. If you have a teen in the house, you may have been the recipient of a similar look to the one I received if you were to make the same suggestion. I'll put it this way: it was not the overjoyed and enthusiastic look I would have received 10 years ago when she was a five-year old and there was no one in the world more special than Mommy.

For the most part, my daughter and I share a pretty healthy relationship--nearly every day we spend at least an hour recapping her day at school and she sometimes extends the time by sharing her music or writing with me. Recently when I suggested we spend some time at a concert together, one in which another mom and daughter were attending, she made it clear that I was to make her friend's mom my new BFF. I told her I understood, but there was a part of me that thought, "Surely, she will want to spend a little time with me." I still had great memories floating about in my head from last year when she and I attended the same concert in Austin. I envisioned the two of us singing and dancing together as we did last year. Well, to cut to the chase, she spent the majority of time with her pals, seeking out the "parentals" only when consumed by hunger, thirst, or in desperate need of money for a band t-shirt.

Driving home from the concert, my Mom-feelings started to smart and I began to slowly and methodically lick my wounds. Over the course of the following few days, I became increasingly aware of my daughter's less-than-sensitive comments about all things pertaining to me and our home: Why do we "always" have chicken for dinner?...Do I have to slurp my morning coffee so loudly?...Didn't I wear those pants yesterday?...Why was I here so early to pick her up?....Why was I late to pick her up? I found myself withdrawing emotionally and spending more time licking the newly inflicted wounds. You would think that, as a psychologist trained to help people open up and talk about their feelings, I would have an easier time than the average person letting my child know mine. Nope. Didn't work that way. I had to mull each slight over and over in my head and allow it to prick my heart. Finally after a few days, I let her know my feelings and how her actions and comments were hurtful. As important as it is to allow a wound to be exposed to fresh air in order to heal, I brought my hurts to light, allowing my daughter and I to work through a difficult time. I listened to her perspective and she listened to mine.

We talked about my expectations and hers, both regarding the concert and also more broadly, to encompass our changing relationship. She is no longer a little girl who needs to hold my hand when she encounters something new, but a young woman who is trying to figure out her own way in the world. I am no longer the idealized mommy with no embarrassing habits or gestures. She is at a place in her life where she is able to see the real me and compare and contrast me to her picture of my ideal. I, too, am at a place that is definitely uncomfortable at times where I am forced to see her as a maturing teenager--complete with romantic crushes, pushing of limits, and experimental behavior. I would never want to keep her encased as a little girl, but the current developmental stage is a scary one: we are both redefining our relationship to each other. Over the next few years, she will be making her preparations to leave the safety of our carefully constructed home to bound off to college and the greater world outside our front door. During that time, I too, will be shifting as I create more space for her to grow into adulthood. She will be less dependent on me for all the things I have encouraged: meal preparation, transportation, clothing, spending money, sharing of confidences and soothing of worries. She will be learning how to take more responsibility for herself and others as she steps toward greater independence. I am learning to nurture her burgeoning separate identity and together we are charting a new, but not final, course as our relationship moves to a more mature level.

Since the day my daughter and I talked, I have thought about how all relationships, no matter the type, must experience growing pains if the relationship is to move forward and deepen. Growing pains are usually not pleasant. Perhaps you can recall your own physical growing pains as a child, the ache in your shin was uncomfortable and, for some, quite painful. The pains signaled your bone and muscle growth as you matured and grew taller. Relationship growing pains can be just as painful, particularly when one person in the relationship is moving forward before the other is ready or aware of the need to move forward. For a relationship to be successful and move to a deeper level, each person needs to help support and encourage the other in the process. If one side refuses to acknowledge the need for change and growth, the relationship will likely eventually fail. In my work with adults and couples, I help my clients to articulate what it is they envision for their relationship and instead of pointing fingers of blame onto the other, I help them to shift their gaze inward and take responsibility for their own behavior and actions in the relationship. Once a partner is able to articulate what they want and need, they are empowered and can begin the steps to create it for themselves, rather than waiting for the other to do it for them.

Last night my daughter and I spent some time reconnecting and I was struck by my own conscious shift to see her not simply as my child, but as a young woman. My thoughts were not stuck in her childhood and my loss, but in the here and now, taking in the sight of her blossoming right in front of me.

Thought for the Day: If your relationship is stuck and stagnant, what shift can you create in yourself to take charge and move it forward?

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters
of Life's longing for itself. You may give them your love but not
your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their
bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be
like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward
nor tarries with yesterday." --Kahlil Gibran

Open Arms/Open Heart

This week I spent time with several clients listening to their descriptions of dissatisfaction in their personal lives. As a therapist I am honored by the trust my clients show me through their disclosure of painful secrets, feelings or fears. In the safety of our respectful relationship, my clients are able to work through their troubled histories in order to heal and then find the strength and courage to open up their hearts and allow love and compassion to enter their lives. The going is often wrought with painful memories which have been tamped down and avoided for years, but at the same time there is often sweet relief as a client unburdens his or her heavy heart and head, allowing me to share in their experience.

One of the things I teach my clients is that we often unconsciously reenact our earliest relationships in our present ones. Frequently we seek out relationships which are familiar to us, whether those early interactions were healthy or not so healthy. For instance, if you were raised in a home in which a parent was inconsistent in their display of affection and love toward you, you may, as an adult find yourself partnered with a person who offers the same kind of inconsistent attention. You may be unhappy in this relationship and you may not even be aware of the similarity of your current relationship to the one in your past, however, on a certain level, this interaction is familiar and known. In short, we repeat our own personal histories over and over until we become conscious of the pattern and decide to make a change.

This is when I truly love my work--when I am able to help an individual gain insight and clarity with regard to his or her behavior and assist them in creating a more fulfilling personal and professional life. Recently I listened to author Kathy Preston speak about our search for love in our lives. In her interview she spoke of how we close ourselves off from finding love because we have been emotionally hurt in the past. When we are closed and shut down, we continue to live in the past and we are oblivious of opportunities for healthy connections with others that may be right in front of us. I think about this also as living life in a closed loop: we just keep repeating the same behaviors without new thoughts entering in to challenge us to consider change.

One step toward living in conscious relationship with others is to take time to identify what you want in your relationships through journaling, list-making or vision board design. Once you become clear about the type of relationship you desire, you will be more likely to identify it when it comes along. Once you have identified what you desire, then you can begin to question whether your current behaviors are moving you closer to that desired relationship or keeping you on the feedback loop of dissatisfaction. The second and most difficult part of the process is the exploration of how your past relationships impact your present ones. This requires one to be willing to dig into some difficult material, perhaps recalling interactions that have been buried for some time. It requires one to become willing to feel discomfort once again in order to get to the other side. It requires a commitment to trust and a belief in one's own strength and power to recover and move forward to a place of greater health and satisfaction. It requires one to open up one's heart and become vulnerable again in order to grow and evolve, dropping the chains of the past in order to embrace the present and the potential of the future.

My hope in writing this entry is that if you find yourself in relationships which are not loving, compassionate and supportive, you now have some initial ideas as to how to help yourself move forward toward achieving the connections with others you deserve. If you feel that you would benefit from professional assistance in letting go of your past and opening your heart and arms to positive relationships, contact your local mental health agency for referrals of trained therapists who can help you to create more joy in the present.

Thought for the Day: Spend some time detailing your ideal relationship. What can you do to become more loving and compassionate in order to "attract" the desired relationship into your life? What steps can you take to become more conscious in creating the type of relationship you desire instead of remaining in the feedback loop of dissatisfaction?

"Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself." --Leo Buscaglia