Be Your Own Best Valentine

Be Your Own Best Valentine


Welcome to the February issue of Envision Your Dreams! While the temperature and snow accumulation here in the Chicago area more closely resembles December than February, I must have faith that we really are inching closer to Spring. Heart shaped balloons, red tulips and roses and red cellophane wrapped chocolates were on full display at the grocery store this past weekend reminding me that Valentine's Day draws near. I paused to watch an elementary school- aged girl carefully survey the valentine cards, lollipops and cunning little boxes of conversation hearts, perhaps deciding which choice would send the best message to her friends and classmates on Valentine's Day. For the past couple of weeks, spots on television have hammered home the message of how diamond encrusted jewelry, chocolate covered strawberries or a cuddly teddy bear could be the perfect expression of one's love, thus sending the recipient swooning. If you are in a happy romantic relationship with your love, then Valentine's Day might be a natural celebration of your joy. For those who are not prone to celebrate the Hallmark Cards-version of Valentine's Day, February 14 might be just another day. For some of my clients, Valentine's Day invites heartache and regret. February 14 is a painful reminder of relationships lost through death, divorce or simply fizzling out for lack of energy and spark. Although I am not a couples therapist, sometimes the focus of the therapy or coaching centers around blockages to expressing love or deepening the connection one has with his or her partner. When I work with single women and men, nagging worry regarding whether one will find a partner in life inevitably comes up at some point in our work together. We are social creatures who thrive in loving, nurturing and warm connection with others and I believe the core to experiencing love and being able to express love and connection to another centers on one's ability to love oneself. This month's issue will provide you with information about being your own best Valentine--rather than passively expecting another to fulfill your every desire or, perhaps my most disliked statement ever, "complete you" (a la Jerry McGuire), I offer tips on creating it for yourself. Additionally I provide you with evidence that love is everywhere and the incredible role it plays in your overall health. Next I invite you to engage in a practice to help you cultivate and deepen your love for yourself which, in turn, will help you to acknowledge the love around you. As always, enjoy the read and feel free to pass it on to someone you think might benefit. Happy Valentine's Day to YOU!

Won't You Be Your Valentine?
If you watch romantic movies or pay attention to the lyrics of any love song you get a pretty consistent description of what love is supposed to be: consuming, lasting, exclusive, unconditional and powerful. The experience of love, as depicted in song and story, is often dependent on one's response to, and acceptance or rejection of, another's overtures. Most plots center on the search for one's soul mate and I've consoled friends and counseled clients who felt they failed in their quest to find monogamous love. A few months ago I was privileged to participate in an online class entitled "Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do and Become" and the content pretty much turned the above description of love on Cupid's curly-haired head. The course was taught by one of my favorite positive psychologists, Barbara Fredrickson, a Professor from UNC-Chapel Hill and was a review of the latest research on the topic of love plus a discussion of her most recent book of the same title. It was a fantastic, thought provoking and timely course and I am happy to share a bit of what I learned with you in this writing. Please note, this is an extreme thumbnail sketch of her writing, therefore, if you are intrigued at all, I suggest you go buy or borrow the book--I believe you will find the science of love fascinating.

Dr. Fredrickson sees love as similar to any emotion--it can be fleeting in it's expression. Think about the last time you burst out in a deep belly laugh--it may have been five minutes or five days ago. Even though that belly laugh was delightful and cleansing, and the memory of it may bring a smile to your lips now, you are not experiencing that deep belly laugh at this moment. All emotions pass--anger, irritability, joy, grief--even love. No emotion is designed to last, but love, from Dr. Fredrickson's perspective, is easily and consciously renewable. Dr. Fredrickson's research focuses on what this renewable emotion does to our bodies--our cells, our immune system and our emotional and physical health. Her earlier work on how positive emotions increase our awareness (i.e., we become more open to opportunities and our ability to problem-solve improves) as compared to how negative emotions limit our thoughts and behaviors (i.e, we become emotionally closed-off and survivalistic in our approach to problems or challenges). Her definition of love is radical and broad--it encompasses the feelings between a parent or grandparent and child, friends, spouses, partners, lovers and even total strangers and the health benefits of this positive emotion expressed between and among all people is universal. Her latest research indicates that micromoments of positivity resonance (i.e., being in-sync with another and connecting in a positive manner through smiles, laughter, or other form of positive emotion) fortify the connection between your brain and your heart, making you healthier day by day. Decades of research has shown that people who are more socially connected live longer and healthier lives. Dr. Fredrickson and her team found that when people were randomly assigned to a group to learn new ways to create more micromoments of love in daily life, they lastingly improved the functioning of the vagus nerve, a key conduit that connects your brain to your heart. This discovery opens a new window onto how micromoments of love serve as nutrients for your health. The vagus nerve not only connects our brain to our heart but is also integrated in everything from the physiognomy of our smile and eye contact with others to monitoring the middle ear muscles so we can focus on another's voice. The vagal tone is the association of our heart rate to our breathing rate. The higher the vagal tone (and conversely, the lower the breathing and heart rate) the better. Research shows that people with high vagal tone typically have more and better positive connections and are more loving, have higher social intelligence and are more emotionally resilient. People who are more socially connected also have improved immune health. Dr. Fredrickson's research on vagal tone and love has shown that through training, one's vagal tone can be improved. In her lab, Fredrickson and her colleagues taught randomly assigned subjects how to engage in loving-kindness meditation (LKM), an ancient Buddhist practice of fostering positive feelings toward the self and others. The participants practiced this less than an hour a week and their vagal tone, compared to a control group, soared after a few months of this daily practice. Those who had the largest increase in vagal tone also had the most frequent positivity resonance experiences with others. Love is not something you fall into but something you make it for yourself.

Love 2.0 offers many opportunities to practice and develop connection but here I provide you an opportunity to learn just one of the practices: Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM). This practice is challenging for some because it asks you to direct thoughts of loving kindness towards yourself. Dr. Fredrickson notes that the old saying telling us we can't love others unless we first love ourselves is true. The positivity shared between knower and known--between I and me--provides a vital foundation for all other forms of love. We need to accept ourselves fully before we can enjoy the benefits of shared connection with others. For some people offering tenderness and kindness to themselves is awkward and difficult. For whatever reason you may be unaccustomed to accepting and caring for yourself just as you are--in this moment. Many people grew up in families which fostered mild self-deprecation, or unrelenting self-criticism to full-blown self-loathing. Here's an opportunity to practice a bit of tenderness towards yourself. If this practice is too difficult or problematic at this point, perhaps consider directing the practice with easier people at first and then over time, refocusing on yourself. The steps I outline are taken directly from the book (pps 120-126).

Find a comfortable place to sit where you won't be disturbed. If in a chair, sit comfortably upright, with your feet grounded on the floor. Lift your ribcage and press your shoulders back against the chair. These postural changes allow a physical openness to your heart. Lower your gaze to reduce distractions and if you are comfortable, close your eyes. Begin by taking two or three deep breaths, bringing your awareness to your heart. Visualize how each breath affects your heart physically. Consider how each in-breath massages your heart and brings in precious oxygen. When you are ready, check in with how your body is feeling. Are you feeling tired, excited, anxious, calm? Whatever the feeling, just notice it. No need to push it aside or judge it as right or wrong. Just witness it and accept it. Begin the meditation by calling to mind your own good qualities. If this is difficult, imagine what positive qualities your loved ones, mentors, friends or coworkers might comment upon. No need to launch an exhaustive hunt for the best good quality--just accept whatever good quality comes to mind. No need to judge or rate it. Simply let the words remind you of what is good in you--what touches your heart about yourself. Next begin the meditation by offering these wishes of loving-kindness to yourself--choosing the phrasing that best speaks to your heart:

May I feel safe and protected.
May I feel happy and peaceful.
May I feel healthy and strong.
May I live with ease.

See yourself as being a dear friend to yourself. Experience how your face softens and your heart expands as you repeat these phrases to yourself. Between each phrase, pause and drop your awareness down to your body and to your heart in particular. Note the sensations that arise. The repetition of the phrases allow you the opportunity to condition your heart to be more open, more accepting and kinder. After a few moments, your attention may wander, when this happens, simply bring your attention back to the phrases. No reason to harshly judge or berate your wandering. Just bring yourself back with gentleness. Try to sit in this meditation for 5 minutes. Remember, your heart and life will benefit with only a 60 minute awareness per week.

Throughout your days and weeks to come, be aware of the opportunities that present themselves to you to treat yourself with gentleness and kindness. Know that you can generate this tender and loving attitude toward yourself anytime you wish. Notice the ease you feel when you treat yourself with such gentleness and love.

I wish you kindness and love this February. If you would like additional structure on this practice, Dr. Fredrickson has made available a free guided meditation on Loving-Kindness on her website: www.PositivityResonance.com.
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Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
--Derek Walcott

More Being and Less Doing in 2014

More Being and Less Doing in 2014


I am a champion list maker. Need food? Create a grocery list. Trying to eat healthy? Make a weekly menu. Going on a trip? Jot down a packing list. Have a bunch of things to accomplish? Make a To Do list for the day. I have found that making lists simplifies my life, keeps me from forgetting things and helps me be more efficient with my time. I believe in the organizational benefits of writing things down; when I write things down I am less forgetful and I don't find myself in the middle of the canned goods aisle wracking my brain to remember why I entered the store in the first place. When I enter appointments in my calendar I am less likely to miss a fun class at the gym or a lunch date with a friend. Most of the time when I am able to cross things off my lists I experience pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. There have been times, however, when my list appears long and overwhelming and instead of relief, I feel burdened and disheartened by the prospect of getting through it all. Perhaps you too have experienced crossing over that fine line between accomplishment and defeat when it comes to getting things done. The start of a New Year often cues people to begin a list of resolutions or things they would like to accomplish before the year's end. Your list might include losing a few pounds, joining (and going to) the gym, spending less and saving more. Most people have the best of intentions when they create To Do life lists. This writing is not going to be a short course on how to get organized and create the ultimate to do list, rather I invite you to create less To Do and more To Be in 2014.

Attending to the To Do list is all good, but at the extreme, we may get so caught up in the process of ticking things off the list, primed to tackle the next item that we lose sight of the bigger picture--this moment right now. We all live with the demands of modern life: Many people work long hours and take less time for vacation. With our days overbooked we can remain attached to our smart devices long into the night. TVs and computers add to the visual and cognitive overload with the press of a button. Our thoughts are continuously bombarded with information, choices and decision-making scenarios. As a result, we may feel out of balance, constantly racing to catch up and in a state of reactivity to the demands in our lives. For many people a buzz of anxiety hums just below the surface in their day-to-day existence. When we are caught up in our lists or phones or computers or heads, we miss out on experiencing the zone of enjoyment, connection and bliss. Many people feel that it is impossible to live a balanced life, that is, creating a satisfied life while pursuing a career while juggling the demands of a relationship or family. In my work with my clients, I help them to identify some of the internal dialogues or barriers which keep them from creating a more balanced and present life. Here's the short list of some of the common themes folks experience which keeps them on the To Do treadmill.

Self Worth: Since we were children, much of our self-worth has been linked to our accomplishments. We were praised for our achievements on the soccer field or in the classroom. As adults we often introduce ourselves by what we do. This can lead to a sense of feeling valued for what we do not who we are. When we measure our own sense of value by what we've acquired, it is easy to remain spinning on the wheel to work longer, harder and faster to accumulate as much as we can.

Inner Gremlin: So many of my clients experience a relentless inner critic. This is the voice which chides and berates you for not doing or accomplishing what you "could" or "should." Each of us has an internalized set of beliefs (that may have come from our parents) about duty, responsibility, expectation, and productivity. When the Inner Gremlin has the mike, chances are you feel driven, demoralized and discouraged. When you are able to recognize the voice of the Gremlin and make a conscious choice to silence the inner critic and instead offer yourself compassion and kindness, you will experience more joy in your life.

Going Unconscious: Many people don't realize that they are operating in an unconscious state for the majority of their day. How many times have you been caught up in your thoughts while driving that you've missed your exit off the freeway? Does your child or partner frequently ask you "Were you listening to me just now?" Ever consumed a bag of cookies or chips while sitting in front of the TV and not realized what you were doing until you rattled the empty bag? When we become unconscious, we lose track of the here and now. When we lose track of the priority of being present, just noticing and experiencing the moment, we sink back into the slog of unconsciousness.

Monkey Mind: This is a Buddhist concept and refers to the inner chatter we have regarding concern about the future (anxiety) and rumination about the past (depression). When we are caught in up "Doing" we are in the midst of monkey mind--concerned about the struggle of achievement, anticipation or loss. It's pretty much impossible to banish monkey mind completely, but spending some time each day in quiet meditation--calming your mind by focusing on your breath or a simple mantra--will train your brain to manage your thoughts. Over time your thoughts will become more peaceful and quiet.

So once you've identified your set of internal barriers, how do you spend more time in Being? We are always in a state of doing--our minds process and our bodies move. Clearly the answer is not about shutting off the Doing, which is impossible, but rather becoming conscious of how we relate to our activities. Are we attached to our actions or can we step outside our thoughts and just observe and notice? Rodney Yee, coauthor of Yoga: The Poetry of the Body and yoga instructor notes "You can learn to be and do at the same time. If you're flowing down a river, you're just being, yet you're moving downstream. The present moment is like that. If you concentrate your attention in the moment, you're totally present, yet it's not stagnant or fixed. The stillness is the state of mind that observes the movement." When we are in this state of stillness we are free of the concerns of the past and the worries about the future. Another cue for yourself as to when you are in a state of Being is identifying when do you feel most alive. For some people it is when they are engaged in yoga, really connecting their bodies with breath. For others, it is when they walk or run in nature. Some people feel connected to being when playing with their children or grandchildren. For many people they feel alive when they engage in meditation. Whatever the activity, you enter the zone of "Being" when you feel open, relaxed, and engaged. You experience a sense of enjoyment, fulfillment and alignment. You are in the moment and you feel present and authentic. When you are in this space, it is likely you feel relaxed and content. There is no tension in your body or face. Your breathing is easy and free.

In this new year, I invite you to become aware of when you have allowed yourself to enter any of the Doing treadmill states listed above. When you recognize you've been hooked, gently bring your attention to your breath and truly notice the activity you are engaged in. For example, if you are washing the dishes, really notice the sensation of the warm water on your hands, the heaviness of the pan, the fluff of the bubbles and silently tell yourself "just washing," Try to maintain your focus on the act rather than allowing your thoughts to zoom ahead to the next project. Or as you read this, feel yourself in your chair, notice your feet in your shoes planted on the floor, your legs and back against the cushions. Notice your breath and the way you hold your shoulders. Bring your awareness to the moment. In becoming more engaged with your daily experience you will notice more and as a result you will experience more gratitude and joy in your life. When we allow ourselves to slow down and reconnect with ourselves and others, we experience deeper contentment and happiness. With less focus on Doing this year, I wish you a consciously engaged, abundant, healthy and joyful 2014.

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention.
This is how we cultivate mindfulness.
Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Wherever You Go, There You Are

When Grief Hitches A Ride On Santa's Sleigh

When Grief Hitches A Ride On Santa's Sleigh


For lots of folks, this time of year represents excitement, joy and celebration. The scent of pine in the air wafting from the tree lots, the twinkling lights and piped in holiday music heightens our senses and provides us cues as to what we should be feeling at this time of year. There is a great deal of media and social pressure to be jolly and filled with holiday spirit. For some people, however, the holidays are filled with anxiety and sadness, particularly for those who have experienced separations or endings within the past year. The emotions associated with termination of a relationship, loss of employment, or separation from or loss of loved ones hits particularly hard at this time of year. Unfortunate as it is, grief eventually becomes intertwined with the holidays for all of us as we age and develop bonds and relationships with others. Some losses are obvious (for example, death or divorce) while others are not so obvious (for example, the loss of a pet, a child leaving the nest, a medical crisis or an adult child's divorce). As these losses accumulate, some natural reactions are to experience anxiety, sadness, regret, irritability or anger, and for some, clinical depression. For many people, one loss in the here and now (for example, a child not coming home for the holidays or being let go on a job) may stir up memories of losses in the past (for example, a parent's death or the loss of a relationship). If you have lost a loved one in 2013, this first holiday season without him or her may be extremely distressing. Holidays, which are traditional times to gather with family and friends, can be a painful reminder that your loved one is no longer with you.

Rather than pull the covers over your head or take solace in the contents of the fridge or a bottle, there are healthier and more adaptive ways to manage one's feelings of grief and loss which I offer to you below. 
If you or your family experienced any kind of loss this year, it is important to talk about it. Acknowledge your loss and share your feelings with others. Now is not the time to deny or avoid one's feelings. Reach out to others for support and a shoulder to cry on. It is especially important that you communicate with your friends and loved ones about what you need at this time and let them know how they can be supportive of you.

Talk about how things will be different this season and brainstorm ways you can adjust the holiday celebrations or traditions. Life brings changes and each year will provide you with opportunity to adapt. Try to be present in the here and now to minimize the time you spend lost in the loss. Perhaps you can start a new tradition such as lighting a candle in memory of your loved one or hang a stocking on the fireplace that others can fill with notes or anecdotes about that person.

Cut yourself some slack and be realistic about what you can and cannot do this season. If this has been a particularly difficult year for you, make conscious choices about the activities you want to engage in this month. Be aware of your emotional limits and engage in the activities that will make you feel better and not increase your stress reactions. I've read that some people plan an exit strategy ahead of time (for example driving their own car to a gathering or event) so that if they feel fatigued or overwhelmed, they will be able to leave the situation on their own time.
Recharge your batteries. Engage in positive self care activities such as ensuring restful sleep. Engage in moderate exercise and try to maintain healthy eating habits. Remember excessive drinking or eating will only increase negative self-talk and feelings of depression. Also some people find themselves spending more during the holidays with the hopes that this will alleviate some of their sadness. Spending is a short-term fix and it is likely you will feel more distress when the holiday season is over and you are faced with a large bill from the credit card company.
Consider volunteering at a charity, library or other institution in need. Studies show that when we engage in social interactions, particularly those in which taps into our own sense of generosity, altruism and compassion, we feel less depressed and experience a greater sense of well-being.

Consider whether you may be experiencing an increase in depressive symptoms because you are "in the dark" more because of the shortened days. Perhaps you leave for work before the sun comes up and return home after it has gone down for the day. Seasonal affective depression (SAD) results from being exposed to fewer hours of sunlight as the days grow shorter during the winter months. Try to get out in the early morning to absorb some rays or consider purchasing a phototherapy lamp to use regularly in the privacy of your home or work center. A few hours' exposure to intense light is shown to be effective in relieving depressive symptoms in patients with SAD.

Lastly, so many struggle with feelings of loss at this time of year. Becoming involved in a grief support group is often helpful for many people. Often funeral homes and hospice centers offer opportunities to connect with others who have experienced loss. Remember you are not alone and there is help out there. If you have been struggling for two weeks or more, having difficulty engaging at work or school, experiencing a change in motivation or interest, experiencing a change in eating or drinking habits or you if are experiencing a sense of hopelessness about the future, then you might benefit from talking with a mental health professional. You can find a psychologist through the American Psychological Association or by checking with your local County Psychological Chapter. Hoping this issue has provided with you with support and assistance if you have found yourself struggling this month. Also wishing you the very best in the coming New Year.
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"You will lose someone you can't live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly--that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp." 
                                                                           --Anne Lamott 

TURKEY Tips For A Truly Happy Thanksgiving

TURKEY Tips For A Truly Happy Thanksgiving

I have heard the holidays referred to as the Terrible Toos : Too much expectation, too many visitors and family members, and too many obligations. Stressors increase around the holidays due to many factors including: over-commercialism, family members coming together who perhaps don't get along, increased stress and fatigue. For some folks it is a difficult time due to increased feelings of depression, SAD (seasonal affective disorder) or loss. We have shorter days and less sunshine which can affect the moods of some people. There is often reunion syndrome stressors: From competition over who has the best job, who's dating, to who's having a baby. For folks who may not have had such a great year, there may be some embarrassment about getting together with family members.

Implementing the following little acronym will help keep your holiday gathering from turning into a turkey and it will help you to keep things in perspective. By following these steps you will communicate your needs to others and you will be showing up to the family gathering as an adult. You will be taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions and perhaps respond to family triggers in a different manner.

Take things in stride. Try to allow some of the stressors to slide off of you like Teflon rather than attaching to you like Velcro. Realize that the gathering is likely stressful for everyone on some level. The kids may be overexcited and tired; some family members may not travel well and may be fatigued from the road trip or airport experience. The host family may be exhausted before they even open the door to welcome the first guest due to the preparation and cooking. Acknowledge that everyone may not be showing up at the door at their shining best--cut yourself and them some slack.

Understand that the holidays will not magically repair fractured relationships nor resolve long-standing issues. Just because everyone in the Norman Rockwell paintings and in holiday movies appears to live happily ever after, does not mean that your family issues will be resolved by the end of the gathering. Also the holiday gathering is not the best time to bring a long-standing issue up for resolution. It's best to choose another time where you can discuss the issue in privacy without everyone and their brother getting involved.

Remember to take care of yourself in terms of maintaining exercise, proper nutrition and sleep. When we are stressed we tend to let go of healthy habits: We don't sleep well, we overeat or over-drink and over spend--and then we kick ourselves and feel more anxious or depressed by our actions. This year set yourself up for success by creating a plan for healthy eating and self-care. This is particularly true if you have any medical or psychological difficulties. If you are diabetic, have high blood pressure or you have been diagnosed with depression or some other psychological issue, it is especially important that you continue to be responsible for your well-being. Ignoring your health needs will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Keep things in perspective and be kind to yourself. If you are feeling stressed out by the hours or days of being held captive by relatives, then periodically remove yourself from the situation for short respites: Take a walk, go into the bathroom for some deep breathing exercises--do what you need in order to take care of yourself to regain a sense of calm. This step is also important if you are recovering from the death of a loved one or other loss such as divorce or separation. The holidays trigger memories of times spent with your loved one and can intensify feelings of loneliness and sadness. Talk with others about your feelings or seek out services from a mental health professional if you feel you are having difficulty coping with your loss.

Enjoy the experience in the here and now rather than focusing on the past or on what the gathering "should" be. Focus on what you want to get out of the experience--maybe make a plan ahead of time to spend more time playing with your nieces and nephews rather than arguing politics with Uncle Fred. Think about the choices you can implement to make the experience a positive one for yourself. Each day offers us new opportunity to experience the gift of life--open yourself up to gratitude and acknowledge the abundance present in your own life.

Say "Yes" to the things you want to participate in and "No" to those that will overextend your emotions, finances or time. Set some boundaries for yourself and be clear to yourself and others about your limits.

Armed with these strategies you will be certain to fly through the holidays with less stress and tension and, who knows, you may actually find yourself looking forward to the next family gathering!
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"You don't choose your family.
They are God's gift to you, as you are to them."
--Desmond Tutu

Calm Wife, Happy Couple

Here's an interesting article on the influence of a woman's mood after an emotionally charged interaction with her male spouse impacts the perceived level of marital satisfaction. Makes me think of the line in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the wife mentions to her daughter and sister-in-law that the man may be the head but the wife is the neck ;-) Enjoy the read. Calm Wife, Happy Couple

Notice, be Open and Versatile this November

Welcome to Envision Your Dreams blog! First, please accept my apology for my absence--the summer zoomed past like a rocket and now, seemingly suddenly, Chicago weather lets me know that Winter is fast approaching. So what have I been doing lately? My husband continues to meet the challenge to transform into the bionic man; he underwent surgery in May to receive a shiny new knee. Just over a month later we loaded up the car and made our annual summer trek to the east coast. We visited our daughter in Brooklyn, where she was doing an internship, and in July celebrated the joyful marriage of my sister-in-law to her long-time partner. In August family gathered to celebrate my husband's birthday and new knee. A few weeks later it was time to load up the car and return to Chicago. Never one to let too much time pass between learning something that I can pass on to my clients, I began coursework in Wellness Coaching in September and by Spring I will have completed the coursework and coaching hours for certification. If you are a client or if you have been a reader of this blog for a while, then you recognize how strongly I believe in the powerful connection between our physical and mental health. Wellness Coaching allows me another avenue to pursue in order help my clients achieve greater health and balance in their lives. The great news for you is I have learned some interesting and exciting things about self care, stress management, nutrition and relaxation that I will share with you over the coming months. So, get settled into a comfy seat, take a couple of deep, cleansing breaths and enjoy the read. As always, feel free to pass this information on to someone you think might benefit.


Notice, Be Open and Versatile
In North America we are speeding toward the busiest season--Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Year's Day--and I know this information comes as no surprise to you. The thought of getting through the coming weeks and months may fill you with anticipation and excitement or cause you to want to burrow down, pull the blankets up over your head and wish you could emerge on the other side of all the festivities like the groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, this Spring. Some people are extremists and really thrive in the hustle and bustle of the season--I've known women and men who transform their home into a holiday display center, baking dozens of homemade cookies while simmering mulled cider on the stove and knitting their family scarves and stockings in the downtime between caroling and creating their own one-of-a kind greeting cards.

I am more of a moderate when it comes to holiday hoopla, although I admit it has been an evolutionary process. When my daughter and stepkids were young, I longed to replicate the Norman Rockwell scenes of holiday gatherings and soaked up holiday how-tos a la Martha Stewart. The day after Thanksgiving, the six of us would pile into the minivan, sing along to carols on the tape player and excitedly drive to the local tree farm. Once there we would race around the lot to claim the best tree. We voted on, then cut down, the tallest pine tree we could find. Every year it seemed the excitement of the new tree began to wane during the window of time in which my husband sweated and wrestled the tree into the stand. Next the scavenger hunt to find the box that held the Medusa-like knot of lights would commence. Untangling and checking the strands for burnt out bulbs, then getting the strings of lights on the tree without (1) knocking the tree over or (2) blowing a fuse when plugging the final strand into the wall outlet were always key goals. Sticky with sap and itchy from prickly pine needles, I would wrangle the kids into helping us hang strands of popcorn, cranberries, ornaments and candy canes on the tree. This blissful family-friendly time would last oh, about 15 minutes, until the kids were overcome with listless boredom and slink off one by one to the siren call of their room or telephone. Sensing desertion, my husband would take shelter by becoming engrossed and utterly enthralled with an old western flick on TV and I would find myself alone with my new BFT (best-friend tree).

A few hours later, with my bough-bedecked buddy festooned, the next tasks were ready to be tackled: lights hung outside, cookies and breads baked, nutcrackers, snow globes and Santas scattered throughout the house and a miniature village, complete with an ice rink and skaters, constructed on mounds of fluffy cotton snow erected. Days later with the house complete, my sights would shift to the hunting and gathering of gifts. Once found, the gifts would be wrapped and the stockings stuffed and hung. It was a nutty time and even now I can feel my stomach tightening as I reflect upon those years. By the time Christmas Eve came, rather than brimming with holiday cheer and goodwill I often tearfully simmered with irritability and exhaustion. It took me a while to take an honest look at why I was inviting so much stress into my life. After some thought, I realized that a great deal of my motivation had to do with wanting to please my loved ones through my over-the-top holiday preparation and actions. Being a new stepmom and even newer mom, I wanted my kids and husband to see me as the "BEST". I erroneously considered my actions equal to my worth--if I swirled around fast enough and with enough Christmas gusto to challenge any elf, then my family would love and appreciate me. I lost sight of the joy of doing something for someone simply because I wanted to and instead, internalized a false sense of expectation. The end result was that I choked with hurtful feelings of being unappreciated and put upon. It took me a while to recognize this and then to consciously create the type of holiday experience that makes me feel energized, happy and content. Today our holiday gatherings are much more intimate and free--the focus is on connection and appreciation. With my grown family spread all over the US, when we gather we pass the time playing games, cooking, exercising, snuggling in front of the fire and laughing as often and as deeply as possible. I make conscious choices about what is important and I make conscious decisions to let go of the holiday fantasy. Below I share with you the tips I learned and now implement. My hope is that you, too, will to slow down, choose, breathe, and be open in order to savor and enjoy the coming weeks.


Notice: What I mean here is simply notice and become conscious of how you feel as the month progresses. Pay attention to your body--throughout your day make a mental scan of where you may feel stress in your body. Are you experiencing more headaches? Do your shoulders feel tight? Do you feel rested when you awake in the morning? Is your stomach upset? Are you forgetful or experiencing clumsiness? Oftentimes such feelings and behaviors stem from the fact that we are not in tune with how stress affects us. Our body bears the burden of our stress-filled thoughts. When we feel taxed or frazzled, we begin to put tension on our musculature and seemingly out of nowhere, we experience pain. It takes some practice, but what I suggest is that every hour or so, take a few moments to stop, take a few deep breaths, and notice your surroundings. Maybe step outside and feel the air on your face. Look out your window and watch the clouds pass overhead. Close your eyes and focus your attention on the in and out rhythm of your breath. Close your eyes and listen to the noises nearby, then shift your attention to notice the noises in the distance. By taking a few moments to notice...to reground yourself in the present...you provide yourself with an opportunity to release some of the tension your body may be holding onto and you refocus your attention to this moment, right now. Often when we become clumsy, running into doorways, tripping or dropping things, our thoughts are leaps and bounds ahead of where our bodies are in the present moment. Taking time to notice and be mindful of what your body is doing in your current space will help you to slow down and feel more connected and calm.


Be Open: By mindfully noticing your surroundings and your thoughts, you open yourself up to noticing opportunities for connection throughout your day. If you notice that your body feels relaxed when you walk around your neighborhood, you may wish to engage in that behavior more frequently. If you notice that your stomach becomes tense when your coworker begins to gossip, you may choose to redirect the conversation or gently let him know you are trying not to engage in the negative behavior. As your awareness becomes more attuned to what feels good and right for you (and also what does not) you will begin to feel better and your thoughts will be lighter. You may begin to make connection with others in your vicinity. Perhaps you may notice and make eye contact with another as you pass on the sidewalk. You may smile at your bank teller as you finish your business today. You may notice and smile in response to the the giggle of children at play in your local park. When you cultivate openness, you also cultivate positivity in your life. What is positivity? UNC Chapel Hill Professor and Social Psychologist, Barbara Fredrickson, writes that positivity is when positive emotions--like love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, and inspiration--reign. So the lesson here is when you become open you are better able to see opportunity for and experience connection with others. When you feel more connected with others, you experience greater happiness, compassion, gratitude and joy in your life.


Be Versatile: By versatile I am not referring to an article of clothing that can be transformed into a skirt, dress or cape in a few swift moves. Instead what I refer to is the capacity for you to be versatile and optimistic. When we experience a stressor or a series of stressful situations, many possess the tendency to become curmudgeon-like and emotionally brittle. We hunker down in terms of our emotions: we close off and shore up walls to distance ourselves from what is painful or stressful. We mull over and lick at the painful spot in our heart or gut. Although it seems counterintuitive, what we need to do in these situations is "lean in" to what is causing us discomfort or presenting us with a challenge. When we become curious about such situations, we become more attentive to what is needed to resolve the problem. When we are open and engaged, we become much better problem-solvers. When you implement Noticing and Openness in your day-to-day experience, you will automatically become more resilient and optimistic. As an example, perhaps over the course of the coming weeks, you may find yourself overextended. Instead of shutting down and taking refuge in feelings of overwhelm or lashing out at someone in anger, lean in to your feelings, sit with your thoughts and consider what you might do to implement small changes so that you feel more empowered. Try to gain insight as to how the situation occurred. What were your drives? How can you make more conscious choices about your time? Maybe you can't walk away from your commitments or obligations, but there may be little things you can do for yourself to help you recharge and provide you with a greater sense of mastery. Dr. Fredrickson's research has shown that people who are mindful, open and optimistic, experience greater resilience in the face of stressful situations. It's not that people who are optimistic are immune from experiencing pain, such as loss, grief, or other challenges; it's that those who have cultivated optimism bounce back from such stressors more quickly and stronger than others. Through her research in the area of positive psychology, Fredrickson introduces her "broaden-and-build theory", which means positive thinking opens our minds. Positive thinkers literally see more of the world around them and are more likely to find innovative solutions to problems. Through her process called the "upward spiral", Fredrickson shows how one can bounce back from setbacks, connect with others, and become the best version of themselves.

Wishing you all the very best as we approach the holiday season. May you embrace the weeks ahead with optimism, openness and resilience and thus experience greater happiness, compassion, gratitude and joy.
________________________________________________

"There is a way of breathing that's a shame and a suffocation.
And there's another way of expiring, a love breath, that lets you open infinitely."
--Rumi

Rattled Now Hmmmmm

It has been quite some time since writing my last post about my daughter leaving for college two thousand miles away. I am happy to report we all survived and, and for the most part, flourished through the transition. I am grateful she is home for the summer allowing me to soak up as much mother/daughter time as she permits. My reasons for not posting throughout the year are partially the positive consequence of a busy practice compounded with the realization that after several years of writing I found my energy and creativity lagging. I think this was somewhat due to the psychological toll of adjusting to my new developmental phase of empty nester. In any case, I recently realized it was once again time to pop open my laptop and pour out my thoughts and feelings into another post. I feel I use this venue as if it were a psychological Rubik's cube--I shift my thoughts around in my head, turning things this way, then that, working toward my own solution or greater understanding until a pattern emerges and things finally snap into place with a satisfying click. Once I feel the pouring out of words has helped relieve and release the tension in my mind, the post is ready for you, the reader. Today's topic is a new one for me: Acute Stress Disorder.

Up until last week I was training for an annual sprint triathlon I enjoy each July near my home. I sign up only to embrace the experience and to revel in the agility and strength my body still possesses in spite of passing the half-century mark. The course is breathtaking: first a swim in the usually calm salt water sound, then a bike ride along the coast and around a century old lighthouse, and capping off the experience with a run along the shore and a return to the start line. I have participated in this particular triathlon for about 10 years or so. Each summer I wonder if this should or would be the last, but then after the event I am pleased to have participated in the challenge. Last week, however, things took unanticipated change. After swimming with my two friends, Robin and Beth, I hopped on my sleek triathlon bike for the ride home. As I left the beach, I contemplated my route. I recall making three decisions while on my way: Should I go on the bike path? No, I wanted a greater challenge. Should I turn right at this street and go around the lighthouse? No, I already biked that route on my way to the swim today. I chose to continue straight, onto a busier portion of road so I could include a section of the race route on my ride home. Staying within the marked bike lane, I mentally took note of the rise and fall of the slightly hilly course to remind myself of gear shifting strategies for the day of the triathlon. As I peddled, a brownish-gray pick up truck gunned past me, crossing fully into the oncoming traffic lane. The driver's irritation seemed directed at me, a biker daring to share the road, and I remember watching the back of the truck as he zoomed ahead and around the curve in the road, still on the opposite side of the road. As I progressed, I remember hoping that there were no oncoming cars as the driver of the truck hadn't moved back into the correct lane when I lost sight of him. A few moments later I came around the curve and noticed a small gathering of people on my side of the road. I remembering thinking their presence was odd as it is not a road where pedestrians typically hang out since there is no sidewalk. In seemingly sluggish, slow motion I looked to my left and saw what appeared to be the same truck that passed me seconds before, now off road and deeply imbedded in the bushes. I felt myself pedaling forward in a dreamlike manner while my mind grappled with the incoming information. Then I looked forward and saw a smaller second car, the front end crumpled into a broken and leaning telephone pole, facing the wrong direction on the opposite side of the road. Fortunately, a fire station was less than 2/10 of a mile away and aid arrived quickly for the injured. The jaws of life were required to extricate driver of the smaller car who was then airlifted to a nearby trauma unit and his passenger was taken to the local hospital by ambulance with minor injuries. The driver of the pick up was also taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Rattled, I provided what information I could to the police officer at the scene, then biked very carefully and slowly home, silently repeating prayers of health and healing to those injured. My husband and daughter offered me comfort as I recounted the incident to them later on. That night my dreams were filled with repetitive, instant replays of the events. Awaking earlier than usual the next morning, I believed I was unaffected by the experience--after all, I was grateful not to be involved in nor injured in the accident. I did notice I held onto worry about the driver of the smaller car and searched the internet a few times over the course of the coming days to learn more of the seriously injured driver.

Two days later while walking one of my dogs near the beach, I happened to witness another accident--this one was minor and involved a motorcyclist. Fortunately, the helmeted driver had slowed down to make a left, but as he entered the intersection, his tire hit a patch of sand and he lost control of his bike. As the heavy motorcycle slid out from under him, the driver tumbled and rolled helplessly into the street. Cars stopped and a woman, who appeared to be a physician, ran to his aid. Scraped and stunned, the driver did not appear to be badly injured but was taken anyway to the hospital by an ambulance. Rattled once again, I walked home and told my surprised family of the morning drama. Later that day I decided to ride my "clunker" bike to the grocery store for a few items. In my mind I was calm but I realize now the recent events had taken up space in my head. As I approached an intersection on a fairly quiet road I overreacted when I believed a car was not slowing as she approached the stop sign. Next, I did something I have never done in all the years i have been riding a bike, I hit the front brake instead of the back one, thus I unceremoniously propelled myself, like a game show contestant on "Wipe Out", up and over the handlebars and onto the pavement. The startled driver stopped and I apologetically picked myself up off the ground and explained that I erroneously assumed she was not going to stop. I realized then that witnessing the two events had had a greater impact on me than I first believed. Thankfully, my injuries were minor; a couple of bruised ribs, a banged up knee and a lovely deeply purple bruise on my thigh, are all I have to show for my jumpy judgment. Taking a single deep breath has been painful and uncomfortable, let alone taking several in a row, coupled with the fact that I have to take many consecutive deep breaths in order to swim, bike and run, I pulled out of the triathlon. Disappointing yes, but most troubling for me has been the psychic injuries related to the traumas I observed.

I have developed dog ears' keenness in the past week for the distant wail of an emergency vehicle's siren.
I tense when I hear cars speeding unnecessarily on our narrow roads.
I startle when I hear unexpected loud noises.
I awaken earlier than usual and find my thoughts turning toward rumination about the car accident.
I want to avoid the road where the car accident took place.
Tears spring easily to my eyes.
I feel guilt by my presence on the road prior to the car accident.
I am puzzled by my hypervigilance and hypersensitivity.
I am embarrassed by my emotional overreaction.

Wait a second; I am the psychologist. With all my training and book-learning, shouldn't I be immune or something from this type of reaction? Does my reaction make me a less competent professional? Asking for comfort has always been difficult for me. I pride myself (and maybe there lies the problem) of being a strong, competent person. I am the one whom others rely upon; I am the one others turn to for assistance and guidance. I am the one who has taken hours and hours of CE courses devoted to stress management, diagnosing psychological distress and the most effective treatment for PTSD. I treat patients who have endured sexual abuse and combat trauma. I bear witness to the confidences and aftereffects of horrific things humans do to other humans. Despite of my third person exposure to years of trauma, here I am the one experiencing the effects of witnessing a series of traumatic events. To borrow loosely from an old U2 album title, Rattle and Hum--I have most certainly been rattled and now its time for the hmmmm, the wonder, the desire for greater understanding as to what has happened inside my head. You, reader, will now gain insight into what happened to me psychologically. My hope is that by reading this, you may gain an understanding of your own reaction or that of a loved one after exposure to a real or perceived serious threat or injury.

Acute Stress Disorder (also called acute stress reaction or psychological shock) is the diagnosis found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV) mental health professionals refer to for answers to diagnostic questions. Acute Stress Disorder (ASD) can surface as the result of a traumatic event in which the person experiences or witnesses an event that causes the victim/witness to experience extreme, disturbing or unexpected fear, stress or pain, and that involves or threatens serious injury, perceived serious injury or death to themselves or someone else. ASD is the mind's and body's response to feelings of intense helplessness. Although there are a myriad of physiological responses which take place when one is under stress, I am going to first focus on the reaction of stress hormones in the face of trauma then describe behavioral reactions in this writing, specifically the "fight or flight response". When our fight or flight response is activated, sequences of nerve cell firing occur and chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released into our bloodstream. The chemical release causes our body to undergo a series of dramatic changes. Our respiratory rate increases. Blood is shunted away from our digestive tract and directed into our muscles and limbs, which require extra energy and fuel for running and fighting. Our pupils dilate. Our awareness intensifies. Our sight sharpens. Our impulses quicken. Our perception of pain diminishes. Our immune system mobilizes with increased activation. We become prepared—physically and psychologically—for fight or flight. We scan and search our environment, "looking for the enemy." When our fight or flight system is activated, we tend to perceive everything in our environment as a possible threat to our survival. By its very nature, the fight or flight system bypasses our rational mind—where our more well thought out beliefs exist—and moves us into "attack" mode. This state of alert causes us to perceive almost everything in our world as a possible threat to our survival. As such, we tend to see everyone and everything as a possible enemy. Fear becomes the lens through which we see the world. My reaction and responses described earlier fit this fight or flight description exactly.

Other changes in the brain occur hours after exposure to the trauma. Some symptoms include an initial state of "daze", with some constriction of the field of consciousness and narrowing of attention, inability to comprehend stimuli, and disorientation. This state may be quickly followed by either further withdrawal from the surrounding situation (to the extent of a dissociative stupor), or by agitation and overactivity, anxiety, impaired judgment, confusion, detachment, and depression. Common symptoms that sufferers of acute stress disorder experience are continued re-experiencing of the event by such ways as thoughts, dreams, and flashbacks; and avoidance of any stimulation that reminds them of the event. The symptoms usually appear within minutes of the impact of the stressful stimulus or event, and disappear within 2–3 days (often within hours). Partial or complete amnesia for the episode may be present. The symptoms usually appear within minutes of the impact of the stressful stimulus or event, and last for a minimum of 2 days, and a maximum of 4 weeks, and occur within 4 weeks of the event. Acute Stress Disorder is not the same as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in that Acute Stress Disorder typically abates within hours or weeks of the event. If the stress response continues beyond one month, then the diagnosis then changes to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Treatments range from various forms of therapy to relaxation strategies, including cultivation of the "relaxation response." Typical psychological treatment of ASD include cognitive behavioral therapy, debriefing, hypnotherapy, exposure therapy and sometimes pharmacotherapy, particularly if sleep is significantly impaired. Other strategies, as those described by Herbert Benson, suggest that by keeping cortisol levels healthy and under control, the body’s relaxation response should be activated after the fight or flight response occurs. One can learn to relax with various stress management techniques, such as those listed below:

Guided Imagery
Journaling
Self-Hypnosis
Exercise
Yoga
Listening to Music
Breathing Exercises
Meditation


Today at this writing I am a week beyond the trauma and I am relieved to report I just returned from a 5 mile run and I am looking forward to a swim later today. The bruises are fading and my body aches are diminishing. My hypervigilance and jumpiness has lessened, my sleep has returned and my super-keen hearing unfortunately appears to be returning to its 30+years of loud concerts and blowing out numerous sound systems, a decibel range of a jet engine. Gratitude flows to my family and neighbors who patiently listened as I recounted the witnessed events. Earlier this week I discovered the airlifted driver's condition was upgraded to "good" and I assume the others involved are recovering equally as well. The passing of time, coupled with the research involved in the writing of this post, has helped me immensely in my recovery. What I have realized is that being schooled in a specific field does not immunize one from reactions to stress and trauma. Although I am a trained and licensed psychologist, I am also a resilient human who responds to events just like any other person. Plus I have the added advantage of knowing what I need to do to reestablish psychological homeostasis. I am putting into practice what I encourage my patients to do: talk, write, exercise and be kind to oneself and others. Making it through this experience has allowed me to gain additional empathy, compassion and understanding for those who experience stress reactivity. Wishing you health and healing.

Doors Open and Shut
I write this issue perched at the patio table, two lazy Danes snoring at my feet, intoxicated by the hypnotic duet of bubbling water and cooing doves. The flowering shrubs along the fence attest to the fact that Spring has sprung in my neck of the woods. Each Spring provides me with a reminder of the potential each of us possess for personal growth and improved self awareness. This Spring is a particularly bittersweet one for me: my only child will be leaving the nest in a few short months to embark on her new life as a college student on the east coast. Although it has been obvious since before she first entered high school that this day would arrive; awareness has not made the looming reality any easier. Our household is in the final frenzy of the high school experience: Colleges have wooed, visits were conducted, and a decision has been made. Senior prom has come and gone, graduation announcements have been mailed and my 18 year old is counting down the weeks until she crosses the stage to accept her high school diploma. I know I will not be the only parent in the audience with tears running down my face behind my faux Foster Grants, getting the “Mo-om” eye-roll from the newly birthed graduate. So as writing often does, this writing serves a cathartic purpose as I sort through they myriad of feelings I am currently experiencing. I hope my musings will provide you with food for thought and opportunity for introspection regarding your own approach to the inevitable part of life: Change.

Each of us carry labels in our heads which provide definition to ourselves and others. We use these labels as a form of shorthand when meeting others for the first time and to provide anchoring for ourselves when faced with doubts or challenge. Some of my labels have been transient: student, graduate student, girlfriend, legal secretary, marathoner. Others are more constant: woman, daughter, sister, psychologist, liberal, friend, spouse, stepmother, mother. Of all the labels I have held, that of “stepmom“ and “Mom” has been the ones I have taken the most pride in. That they possess such meaning is a bit of a surprise since neither are labels I expected to hold. As a little girl I rarely played with dolls and never played “Mommy” with my friends. I was most likely to be found perched high in the branches of the walnut and almond trees in my backyard, or looking for salamanders and lizards in the golden hills behind my house or riding my bike through the neighborhood with my friends. I had a preview of motherhood when I met the man who is now my husband. Like a bonus gift with purchase, I received three loveable gifts ranging in age from 7 to 10 when my husband and I began our relationship. My relationship with my stepchildren has been rewarding and rich and I credit my relationship with them as giving me confidence in myself that I could be, in Winnicott’s words, “a good-enough” mother. After a few years serving as a mostly not-so-evil, stepmother, I was surprised as I entered my 30s that my as-yet-undetected biological clock began to sound its not to be ignored, alarm. Once I realized I was pregnant, I spent every spare moment, when not reading my graduate school textbooks and writing papers, poring over all of the “What to Expect” books and child development books I could lay my hands on. When my daughter was born, it was truly the happiest day of my life, no cliché intended. Like a soundtrack for the moment the old Helen Reddy lyric "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar," ran through my mind as I, high from a combination of endorphins and exhaustion, watched my sleeping newborn breathe in the bassinet next to my hospital room bed.

For the next 18 years I would make decisions based on my child’s needs. We moved to a neighborhood that was safe and had a playground for young children and their parents to gather. Her dad and I chose the best-fit preschools and schools for her to attend. I accepted a position at an outpatient clinic that allowed me to end my day early in order to pick my daughter up at dismissal. I volunteered when I could and chaperoned field trips when asked. Over the past two decades, I helped her navigate the ups and downs of friendships, crushes and first loves, difficult teachers and rigorous academic expectations. We’ve had our share of tears, slammed doors and, our own version of everyone‘s favorite ”It’s not fair!“ battles. I’ve experienced the particularly hellish form of parental insomnia involving an interchangeable cast of characters and situations, including but not limited to: cars, parties, alcohol and predators. Thankfully none of my nightmares met the light of day and we, knock on wood, have made it through to this point in time, wiser and relatively unscathed. Her dad and I fostered and encouraged the expansion of her global view of the world through travel and multicultural experiences, and we are proud to support her decision to pursue study in international affairs and human rights issues.

So now, here I am, poised at the edge of a precipice, facing the coming weeks, months and years ahead with some anxiety as I redefine a personal label or two. I am forcing myself to be mindful of the fact that just like the new leaves and blossoms on the bushes around me, this time reflects a period of personal growth and development. This is a special season of its own, the long, rich season of shepherding my daughter through childhood and adolescence is coming to an end and I will be losing my role, at least as it has been thus far, as Mom. The house will be quieter, my schedule will be less busy and my life will be altered. Life up to this point has certainly provided me with challenges: moving to a new state, the death of my parents, taking the professional leap of faith to open a private practice, but I feel that this new stage, this empty nest syndrome, has touched my emotions and rocked my world in a way that nothing else has thus far. This new season has filled me with joy, excitement, fear and, strangely, loneliness. Similar to when my parents passed away, this period of my life has caused me to become increasingly introspective. I find myself questioning who I am and who I will become next. I am surprised and somewhat confused by my own fearfulness about what the future holds. I have always viewed myself as an adventurer and one who sets, then achieves, goals. After all, I earned a Ph.D., became a stepmother, completed several grueling marathons and triathlons, am SCUBA certified, parasailed in New York, and next week plan to experience my first skydive. However, with the fast approaching date of my daughter’s departure, I am experiencing a new side to my psyche.

As I write this, I realize that this is my season to learn to let go, redefine my relationship with my spouse, deepen my relationship with my stepchildren, gain greater understanding of who I am developing into, and to look forward to the future relationship with my maturing child. Life’s transitions or stages inevitably involve endings and beginnings, some more painful than others. I am faced with the realization that this transition is yet another opportunity to close one door, however difficult that may be, in order to open another. What lies behind that new door, I am not certain. What I can be certain of is that it will hold surprises, joys, challenges and, in all likelihood, more fears. Rather than becoming paralyzed with apprehension, I recognize as I cross the threshold that this new door also holds opportunity for self-growth, understanding and richer relationships with others.

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
--Alexander Graham Bell

Separation Anxiety

I am the parent of an almost-18 year old. My daughter has taken to alerting me to the countdown til the day she becomes an adult (in her eyes anyway) ever since she turned 17. The growing list of things she plans to do on that auspicious day include the possibility of coming home sporting a nose piercing and a small, discreet tattoo. I am not as concerned about the nose piercing and tattoo as some moms may be since I consider both of these expressions part of the process inherent in the developmental task of separating one's identity from one's family of origin and becoming an independent person. Besides that, she, not I, will be the one to live with her body art.

The sweet baby I held, read "Stellaluna" to, and rocked to sleep for years now lets me squeeze her on occasion, puts herself to sleep while reading her Statistics textbook and darts out the door, dark hair flying, to meet her friends at the bookstore faster than a caffeinated Superman. No longer does she play dress up in my shoes and clothes, clomping around the house with her teensy painted toenails swimming in my heels, now she rummages around in my closet "for reals" to borrow a new pair of shoes. Her dad and I survived last year's "learning to drive" cardio-workouts and I once again channeled my mother in the form of stomping upon the invisible brake on the floor of the passenger side while simultaneously gripping the window with the tips of my right hand with the tenacity of a starfish clinging to a rock at low tide. When it was time to take her out to practice driving around town, while dutifully following her out the door, her dad and I would whisper "shotgun" to the other meaning the loser was to sit in the front. One year later, I can relax more while in the real shotgun position as I recognize her improved driving skills.

The hardest thing for me about her turning 18 is that with the new chronological age comes her preference to engage in independent activities; long gone are the days of scheduled playdates set up between me and other careful moms. Last night I was called "psycho-mom" for the umpteenth time when she voiced her desire to join friends today on a beach outing a few hours away. The psycho-mom term was bandied about when I voiced my desire to speak with a parent before she climbed into a carful o'teens to drive several hundred miles away. I have always been one who worked hard to keep my worries (which I not so affectionately called "the dark things that lurk out there to harm my child once she is beyond my reach") from spilling onto her when she was little, but I have to confess that a few have sprung loose and begun to drip with the slow steadiness of an IV since she and her friends gained access to wheels and displayed an eagerness to explore the world beyond the perceived safety of our postal code.

Now that she is in her last year of high school that other countdown has begun, ticking ever closer to the day she packs her things, pats the dogs, kisses her dad and I goodbye, and sets off for college and the great world beyond. I always encouraged her to leave the state when she goes to college since I think of it as the time in one's life to experience a completely different culture and climate, meet new people while exploring areas of academic interest all the while, learning to make decisions on one's own. Now, as we plan for college visits a thousand miles away and begin the application process to distant places whose glossy scenes of campus life have competed for space on the kitchen butcher block for the past several months, I must admit I am struggling to keep myself from babbling and blathering about the attributes of the handful of colleges right here in our same area code.

Eighteen years have flown with such velocity that surely she and I have been encapsulated in some form of time warp that only I could feel and as I write this entry I can't stop my ambivalent tears from springing forth. I am so proud of my bright, beautiful, and talented daughter but I will miss her so when on that fateful day she, with gentleness and persistence, closes the door of her dorm room on her dad and me. Although we endured and weathered our share of arguments, painful barbs and scornful looks, for the most part, I am happy, no, bursting with joy to say that my daughter and I truly appreciate each other's company. We have danced with each other at concerts, hopping up and down to the tunes of G. Love and Ben Harper among others. We have snuggled under a blanket on the couch while watching sappy Lifetime movies and clutched each other's hands til our knuckles were white while having the beejesus scared out of us watching rented horror flicks. We have sweated through long runs, passing the time talking about boys and life and the future. We've laughed at ourselves and each other in the mirror while Zumba-ing to world beats. She taught me how to download music into my Ipod and send text messages without too much consternation and I taught her to make fresh pesto and banana bread. We have giggled til tears rolled down our faces over "you had to be there" incidents and comforted the other through pain, disappointments and loss. Now the next step, for me at least, is to encourage and support her in this next developmental task: separation and individuation. It's ironic that when my daughter was young, she went through a stage lasting several years in which she cried at the drop off curb at school in the morning and worried that her dad or I would accidentally leave her behind in a store while shopping. I recall driving across town in the wee hours of the morning after a tearful, lonesome call from a frightened 9 year old following an aborted attempt to spend the night at a friend's house. "Will she ever be able to spend the night away from home?" I wondered while sleepily nosing the minivan through the dark streets on my mission of rescue. I purchased books to read about helping one's child cope with separation anxiety. I read Berenstain Bears and other stories to her about being brave and helped her to put words to her fears about being away from mommy and daddy. Now my formerly anxious daughter feels no hesitation when climbing onto a stool at open mic night, strumming her guitar and singing her own songs to a crowd of strangers. She spends the night away from home with girlfriends on a regular basis and she has flown to both coasts on her own on numerous occasions.

If the excitement in her eyes and her hearty appetite to experience new things is any indication, then I would say that her once-evident separation anxiety is in full remission. Now it looks as though it's my turn to experience the butterflies and willies in my belly and lump in my throat for an unknown period of time as I prepare for the coming months. I guess it's time for me to once again hop in the car and head to my favorite bookstore, only this time to see what is on the shelves for for mommies who are experiencing pangs of separation anxiety from their grown up babies while also trying to savor each and every morning she staggers out of her room, yawning and rubbing sleep from her eyes, searching me out to share with me what she dreamt the night before.

The Flow of Friendship

The last few weeks have been a topsy-turvy wild ride of emotion involving my heart. An emptiness surfaced a few weeks ago as I said goodbye to a long-time friend and a short time later, the ache was soothed by the the reconnection of two friends. About two weeks ago my friend and colleague, Emilie, passed away after a decades-long battle with cancer. Emilie was one of the first therapists I met when I moved to San Antonio from the Bay Area. Emilie and her husband, Wayne, led a psychoanalytic group and welcomed me into the fold with open arms. I was lonely and hungry for professional contact after a few months in town and I became a member of the group for a number of years until life became a bit crazy as work and parenting demands escalated. I was fortunate though, in that Emilie and I worked at the same agency where we were able to joke across the table during Tuesday staff meetings. Emilie and her husband were known in the psychological community as "mentor parents" to those of us new to the area or desirous of collegial contact. Over the years we enjoyed each others company at various parties and gatherings and I cherish the memory of Emilie, with her clear soprano, and Wayne, with his strong tenor, serenading me a year ago at my birthday party. Throughout the years Emilie kept her battle with cancer private. When I found out that the cancer had spread and phoned her offering my support, Emilie said that she did not let many people know of her battle because she wanted there to be places and areas of her life where she could go that did not involve the C word. I was able to visit Emilie several times before she passed away and I feel fortunate to have been able to convey to her how meaningful her friendship has been to me over the nearly 14 years I have been in San Antonio. She was a gentle, bright and gifted woman whom I will miss.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, just a few days ago two old friends resurfaced. One reconnected following the loss of her job and the other reappeared after a lengthy healing process following a painful divorce. Karen worked crazy, vampire hours which prevented her from a whole lot of socializing during the hours regular humans are up and about. When she lost her job, she realized she savored time with her little girls, driving them to and from school, playing with them in the yard, as well reconnecting with supportive friends. Karen and I laughed for two hours at breakfast the other morning, catching up on events over the past 10 months since we last saw each other.

My other reconnection was Carol. Carol and I first met in graduate school and our friendship was cemented when we realized we were due to deliver our babies around the same time. I have a picture of the two of us, plus another woman, standing sideways, beaming with anticipation, proudly displaying our 8+ month bellies. Our babies were born 4 weeks apart and Carol and I supported, nurtured and guided each other through those first swoony, foggy months of newbie-motherhood. We coached each other through diapers and dissertation defense, potty training, licensure and beyond as our girls' entered the world of horses and late elementary school. Although we both left the Bay Area when our daughters were toddlers, Carol and I stayed in frequent contact via phone. Then one day Carol dropped out of sight: My phone calls went unanswered and my messages were unreturned. I was stunned and saddened by the disappearance of my friend. It took me a few years to let go of the confusing hurt, all the while hoping one day to see or speak to her again.

Early this week I received a friend invitation on Facebook from a woman whose name I didn't recognize. Always ready to purge spam, my finger hovered above the delete button, but something made me decide to open up the invite. To my surprise, there was Carol, with a different last name. Earlier this morning we reconnected for an hour on the phone, laughing and crying as we filled each other in on all that has taken place over the past 5 years. Carol explained her behavior, I listened and welcomed her back into my heart.

I am so thankful for my girlfriends and value the special connection I have with each of them. I am not one who has a bevy of friends...my FB friendships do not come close to rivaling the hundreds on my daughter's account. I am fortunate to still have a best friend from high school with whom I talk to at least once a month. I am even fortunate to count my brother's wife as one of my closest friends. Most of my friends here in TX are those which began as professional, then deepened into caring, loving relationships. Each woman has helped me in so many ways: encouraging me through graduate school, mentoring me through motherhood, comforting me through loss, laughing with me over goofy things, dancing wildly to great music, lending me their ear and attention when I am troubled. I, in turn, attempt to offer each of them what they need from me. At different times, our friendships have been intense, while at other times, they appear to drift, but I always know that when we speak on the phone, our conversations take off where we left them, with hardly a pause to catch up.

Some friends are present for a reason; usually to meet a need you have expressed, whether that be to help you through a transition, a difficulty or to provide you with support and encouragement. Sometimes this friend leaves, whether it be through moving away or through an action that causes the two of you to part. Often this happens when a need has been met and you are in a stronger emotional place. Some friends come into your life for a season because it is your turn to grow or learn. Your friend may teach you something you have never experienced and help you to stretch and evolve. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons. This form of friendship builds upon a lifetime of experiences in order to create a solid foundation that time cannot disrupt. What I have realized preparing for this entry is that there is an ebb and flow to many things, including friendship. Just allowing the relationship to take its winding course rather than damming it with expectation allows you and your friend to grow and realize new things about one's self and the meaning of friendship.

Thought for the Day: Is now the time for you to reach out to a friend with whom you have lost contact?

When you're down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
--James Taylor

Global Citizenship

Recently my daughter returned from a school trip to Alabama and Mississippi with her class. The focus of the trip was to provide the students a firsthand look at the legacy of the Civil Rights Movement. Over the course of one week, they heard lectures from those who were on the frontlines during the March for Freedom, visited museums and monuments in memory of the civil struggle, and were immersed in a new culture and part of our country. One of the things my daughter taught me from her trip was about an event in which hundreds of high schoolers participated in during the fight for equality. I do not recall this little slice of history being taught to me while I was in school and the knowledge of the event has stayed with me. On May 2 and 3 thirty six years ago, a group of children bravely made their mark in the history of the civil rights movement when they participated in the Children's March for Freedom in Birmingham, AL. Organized by the Reverend James Bevel, hundreds of high school students left school and met at 16th Street Baptist Church where they were discharged from the church in groups of 50 for the sole purpose of being arrested to protest the incarceration of Martin Luther King, Jr. Those brave students left school and peacefully gathered to raise their voices in song. They faced snapping German shepherds, fire hoses, angry police officers and awaiting vans. Those students risked being killed for their actions like some adult protesters were during those terrible years. Upon release from jail, another 50 students were ready to take their place.

Since hearing about this march, my thoughts have centered around the bravery these young men and women displayed to organize and stand up for something that the majority of adults in their city were vehemently against: racial equality. I researched a bit into the another time children impacted history by their actions and presence: Mother Jones organized a Children's Crusade in 1903 in which children march from PA to NY carrying banners exhorting going to school over working in the mines. Their action led to the eventual passing of Child Labor Law in 1913. In both of these accounts, the children did not possess guns, bats or other weapons of destruction. They did not loot, fight, rape or kill those in opposition. They carried signs and let their songs and actions speak for the rights they sought.

Children possess hope: Hope for themselves and hope for the future. In this time of pessimism, financial insecurity, foreclosures, global warming, war, civil conflict, and whatever else you can add to the list, adults can become mired in dissolution and despair. It takes a certain amount of belief and hope to motivate oneself to change one's own behavior, let alone feel one can make a positive impact on the world. It takes an enormous amount of courage to peacefully, but assertively, stand up for what one feels is true and risk the consequences of going against the flow.

Last night I had the opportunity to hear former President Clinton speak in San Antonio about The Clinton Global Initiative University. His initiative builds on the model he put into place during his presidency and now focuses on engaging the next generation of leaders from college campuses around the world to discuss solutions to urgent social and environmental problems. As citizens of the world, Clinton anchors the focus of the initiative on the values of: empowerment, gratitude and giving. Through the guiding manifestation of each of these values, young people can change the world, helping villages become self sufficient, attend to the environmental mess our generation and those before us have left, as well as seek cultural understanding which one day will lead to less civil and global conflict.

I am moved and inspired by the actions and hopes of my daughter's generation. I believe if we can all view ourselves as citizens of the world, rather than focusing on the differences of color, religion, sexual orientation, political ideology, we can ensure the health of our beloved big blue ball called Earth. Each of us possess a beating heart in our chest and a desire to live a healthy, good life no matter what part of the world we find ourselves or the color of our skin. If we were to live the values of empowerment, gratitude and giving, not only would our personal relationships be enhanced, but our communities, country and world would reap the benefits as well.

Thought for the Day: What can you do today as a Citizen of the World?

"Do a public good as a private citizen."
Former President Bill Clinton

Lazy Days and Thursdays

Ahhh, it's Thursday again, which means a lazy day of walking the dogs, catching up on email and errands, scheduling doctor's appointments, heading to the gym, curling up with a book, downloading podcasts or engaging in whatever strikes my fancy over the next hours. For several years now I have been taking Thursday off from my clinical practice to provide myself a recharge zone mid-week. It's a nice gift to myself for rejuvenation and catch up. Having a me-day midweek helps me to stay focused, energized and able to meet my clients' needs during the work-week, knowing that I will be able to take some time for myself long before the weekend rolls around with the usual to-dos that befall those two days.

When my daughter was young, weekends were spent shuttling between soccer games, horseback riding lessons, and birthday parties. When not serving as chauffeur, I scrambled to the grocery store and then scuttled around the house in a seemingly self-defeating effort to remain the victor over household chores. I greeted Monday mornings with bleary eyes and pumped my veins with a pot of Peets to jumpstart my day. Like many working mothers, I felt I was juggling as fast as I could to try to fulfill my obligations at the agency where I worked, attend to my clients' needs, plus keep my family happy and satisfied. I knew it was only a matter of time until I dropped a ball; and I also knew the one dropped would not be the one that represented my family. So prior to stepping away from the agency after 10 years of service and stepping toward private practice, I spent much time reviewing my values and countless hours talking it over with my husband about how, when I hung my shingle, I shaped it so that that my business and career honored and supported the things most important to me.

What are values are why are they important? Values are the principles one believes in and that define the core of one's identity. Values shape our behavior and help to motivate us toward self-improvement. Humanistic psychologists suggest that each of us possesses an innate sense of values that tend to become buried over time by social demands and expectations and it is our lifelong goal to rediscover our values in order to live more authentically. Sometimes the values are buried by circumstance, while other values may be buried by social pressures. Here's two examples of what I mean by this:

A new client sought treatment from me because he was extremely unhappy in his workplace due to years of continual exposure to a socially-toxic work environment. In our work together we began to explore his reasons for staying at his job for so long. As I asked him to identify his personal values, it became clear to him that his current job supported few of his values. In a recent session, he realized he had taken the job because he had learned his wife was seriously ill and he needed to obtain employment that offered him the best health benefits and highest pay. His decision to say "yes" to the position was fueled by acute fear of what the future might hold. When one is in "survival" mode, there is little room to wonder about values. His wife's health has now stabilized which allows my client to begin to consider his values and move toward securing employment that is a better value-match and one in which he most certainly will thrive.

Years ago I worked with a young woman who was unhappy in her position as an investment advisor. She entered the field due to social pressure; it was an unspoken expectation that she would join the family business upon graduation from college. She sought my help when she was desperate to leave the company but she did not know what she would do instead. After several sessions, she clarified her values and began exploring her interests. She determined that what she really wanted was a career in event planning. Within the year, she went on to obtain a certification as an event planer, discussed her plans with her family, moved to another city and opened her own business. This young woman's values had been buried by the social pressures of her family and it was not until she became more secure and confident to live her values, not those of her family, was she able to move toward living a more authentic life.

Identifying one's values does not necessarily spell out c-a-r-e-e-r c-h-a-n-g-e, but what it does mean is one becomes aware and conscious of the things that are most important. Once this happens one begins to make choices to ensure there is room in one's life to embrace, honor and cultivate them.

Thought for the Day: Take some time to identify your core values. Next, consider whether your values are being expressed and validated in your life. If not, what changes can you make to ensure that they are being expressed?

"Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
--Barbara De Angelis