Friday, May 26, 2006



Twisted and Tangled

This morning's walk with the dogs offered yet another mini-course life lesson. Who knew the added perk of having two slobbery, giant-pawed, club-tailed, great danes in my life would provide me with so many opportunities to write about life and life coaching?

The dogs have come to expect a walk once I return from dropping my daughter off at school and after I have enjoyed my morning cup of Peet's coffee. It can be a bit disconcerting having two pairs of expectant, but beseeching, amber eyes watch me sip my brew. I can almost hear them saying "Hurry up already! Gulp it down, what are you waiting for?! Are you REALLY gonna finish that?!" The dogs jumped about ecstatically as I sleepily reached for the leashes and poop bags, thrilled to be embarking on the morning adventure on the trail. After we played the morning game of "Latch the Leash on the Wriggling Puppy," we tumbled out the door and charged into the bright sunshine of a promisingly scorching day in search of squirrels, birds and possibly a lazy armadillo.

The older dog, Zeebo, is a psychopath when it comes to squirrels. He watches for them and goes nuts when they chatter what appear to be insults from the tree limbs, based upon his reaction. When he becomes particularly excited by a squirrel's taunting, he sproings three feet in the air on all fours, scrabbles for the tree and attempts to climb it in hot pursuit. On some mornings, Zeebo's tongue hangs out the side of his mouth and he gets a fiercely determined squirrel-focused look in his eyes as he scans the fences and branches along our path. His obsession is so bad, that, in our household, we have to actually spell out "squirrel" or Zeebo will tear around the house to the windows looking for the offending creature who dared to step onto our lot. One evening a program on squirrels came on the TV and my husband and I watched with amusement as Zeebo leapt off the couch, poked at the TV with his nose and raced around the entertainment center trying to locate the furry interlopers.

So this morning, we were nearly done with our walk when we stumbled upon a squirrel family rift in one of the pecan trees. Four squirrels bickered, chased one another and bopped their tails, menacingly, at each other. Zeebo went bonkers. He bounced like a four-legged kangaroo toward the tree without warning and in his zeal, yanked the leash out of my hand. The leash clanged and skidded along the ground after him, retracting with a "zip" before crashing into his hindlegs. When this has happened in the past, it snapped him back to the present; he regained his self-control and offered up an apologetic look as he returned to my side. Not this morning though. As the squirrels chased each other from limb to limb and volleyed back and forth between the trees, Zeebo tried his best to keep up with them, oblivious of the leash banging his legs, heedless of my commands, and all the while, trampling Suki and entangling the two leashes together. He had "squirrel-on-the-brain" and not much was going to stop this 140 lb dog from chasing a treeful of testy squirrels. Disastrous scenes of tangled and mangled human feet and dog paws flashed before my eyes as I tried to quickly bring his attention and behavior under control. It took some doing, but after a few slo-mo minutes, I was able to restore calm and disentangle the leashes, thankfully without injury.

As we walked home, I replayed the events in my head. The scene made me think of how we humans can sometimes become obsessed and consumed with things, such as work, food or substance use, and completely lose sight of how such tunnel-vision can negatively impact our lives, health and relationships. We all know people who have made decisions based on their habits that have entrenched them deeper and deeper into difficulty. When I used to work with adolescents in the juvenile probation department, I would come across plenty of young men and women who were unable to honestly look at the negative impact of substance abuse in their lives. Even though they were meeting with me because they had been placed on probation due to their substance use, were failing in school and had poor relationships with their parents, many were unable to make the connection between their habit and how the habit negatively influenced these other areas of their lives. As a life coach I work with many men and women who are wanting to expand that tunnel-vision. They work to "put a leash" on their Type A work ethic and open their lives up to improved interpersonal relationships and better health. It's easy for us all to get caught up in the chase and lose site of how this hot pursuit impacts our lives.

The important lessons are those of awareness and balance. This means to be fully aware and conscious of our choices and their impact on our lives and those of the important people around us. I am all for moving forward toward the realization of personal and professional goals, however, what I try to teach my clients is to do so in a manner that is not crazy-making in the process. This means approaching our lives from a place of peacefuless and balance. When our physical, psychological and spiritual lives are acknowledged and nurtured, our lives are enrichened and fully enhanced. We don't become obsessed and singular in our focus. We open ourselves up to alternative approaches and interaction.

Tomorrow's walk may well entail a squirrel hunt for my linear thinking dog, but how can you, the human with the fantastically complex mind, jump out of the Type A pursuit?

Thought fot the Day: Are there habits you engage in or choices you make which are detrimental to the pursuit of a balanced life? What can you do this week to change things, ever so slightly, for yourself?

“You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning ... a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be.” --Joseph Campbell

Sunday, May 21, 2006



Graduating to the Next Phase

This time of the year the air is filled with excitement, hope, possibility and no small sense of relief! This is the month when women, men and children foray into new territory through the rite of graduation. Stores display gift ideas for the graduate, bunches of balloons sail toward the heavens upon release at commencement, car windows on the roads profess words of love and encouragement and identify the driver as a graduate of the class of 2006. Restaurants are packed as family members and friends migrate to San Antonio to celebrate and honor their loved one's passage.

Last weekend I attended a former client's college graduation and this past Friday I watched as my daughter and her friends walked the middle school stage for the last time. Although her school offers high school, many members of her class have made a choice to move to other schools for their high school experience. My daughter along with one of her friends will be attending a larger high school in the Fall. As my little girl, who is now nearly as tall as me, proudly filed into the auditorium with her classmates, I couldn't help but flash back to earlier years of rites of passage in this small auditorium/gym.

Here is where her dad and I proudly watched and silently spelled along with her as she competed in a spelling bee in 4th grade. I turn my head and see the bleachers against the wall over there where we watched her run up and down the courts during 5th grade basketball season, struggling to coordinate her running feet, hands on the bouncing the ball, while staying in the lane and defending against the looming defense. During the next season her dad and I cheered each time she made a ball over the net in volleyball. This is the room in 6th grade in which she danced with a boy for the first time. As a chaperone that night, I remember my eyes filled with tears as I watched her and her partner tenderly sway back and forth during a slow dance. This is the room where I have come for the past three years to pick up my sleepy child the morning after the end-of-the-year supervised "lock-in" where the middle-schoolers run around like hamsters on espresso for the entire night and next morning.

I looked around the audience of parents and realized that this would be the last time we would share the same room as well. It's an interesting phenomenon that occurs when you have children, the parents' of your children's friends become your friends as well. It is with these moms and dads I have carpooled, traded caretaking, pick-ups from school, solicited parenting advice and weathered our daughters' entry into adolescence together.

In spite of the difficulty in saying goodbye to familiar people and surroundings, graduation marks a leap (no matter how tentative) into the future and possibility. Armed with knowledge, some experience and brimming confidence, graduates say "Yes!" to a new phase of their lives--whether that means entering 1st grade, middle school, high school, college, graduate school, med school or the real world. It is a time of excitement, confidence, pride and hopefulness for both the graduate and the audience. I think one of the happiest places on earth is attending a graduation, particularly when the beaming graduate walks across the stage a changed person once she is handed her diploma or certificate--there is so much happiness and charged energy shooting around that it's nearly impossible not to be affected!

That feeling of excitement and energy is what I receive as a coach when my clients move out of their comfort zone or usual routine to try out something new. When a client first comes to me, disillusioned and unhappy about being unsuccessful in changing a habit or living an unbalanced life we work together to create positive change. For instance, I spend time educating her about how to manage stress...Together we explore what keeps him from moving forward in his career...I teach her about assertiveness and setting boundaries so her time is more her own. After months of work, most clients have new self-awareness and are ready to move out on their own, armed with the skills they developed through the process of coaching. The client graduates onto a healthier, happier lifestyle. When my clients achieve greater life satisfaction or improved health because of their lifestyle change or stress management skills, I feel as though I have just handed him or her something equivalent to the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket!

Thought for the Day: Are you moving forward or are you being retained in the same grade, so to speak? What can you do to take steps to graduate to a healthier, happier lifestyle?

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.

--Dr. Seuss

Friday, May 12, 2006



Taking Care of Mom

This Sunday we celebrate our moms, stepmoms, surragate moms, adoptive moms, and wish-you-were-my moms. It's the weekend which strikes fear in some family members' hearts as they scurry about, pulling together last-minute gifts, ordering flowers and begging restaurant hosts and hostesses to "please find one more table" for the Mother's Day brunch. Mom's Day is also tinged with a bit of sadness because my own mom is not here to share the day with me. My mom died 8 years ago on May 16, one month shy of her 80th birthday, after a two year battle with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I remember feeling helpless as I watched her body being consumed by the cancer; the haunting reality of my own impotence with regard to being able to change her outcome painfully evident. I remember sitting with my daughter, stepdaughter and husband at an outdoor cafe on Mother's Day that year, the week before my mom died, trying to imagine what the future would look like without her in my life. I remember feeling so sad, empty, and lost during that year and for many years to follow. Now it has been nearly a decade and, although I still miss her and would give anything to hear her voice again and feel her touch, I realize I am able to go on despite her absence.

One of the many lessons her death has taught me is a greater appreciation for life itself. I believe that following my parents' death (my father had died a few months before my mom) I began to take the first steps toward enhancing my own career and personal life by becoming a life coach. As a result of that incredibly painful year of loss, I now embrace life more fully and with greater passion. In my work as a coach, I encourage others to do the same--not simply to be satisfied with watching and waiting and wondering if now is the right time, because believe me, NOW is the right time to jump into your life with both feet!

Besides stretching myself beyond my comfort zone and experiencing new things in life, I also take steps to be conscious of my physical health. A personal tradition I have implemented over the past eight years is that I get a complete physical as a gift to myself and my family. I try to remember to schedule my exams around my birthday in January, but sometimes recovery from the holidays takes precedence. If I don't make it in during January then I schedule the appointments around Mother's Day. Taking care of myself, both emotionally and physically, is the best way to show my loved ones I care about them AND me.

As a mom I feel it is important to teach my daughters how to care for their bodies and promote a healthy lifestyle. They will have this foundation of health to build on long after I am gone and my hope is that one day both will pass these values onto their own daughters and sons. Last month I joined the same gym my stepdaughter frequents so now we are able to meet once or twice a week to workout together--we cheer each other on as we sweat through a tough workout and revel in our accomplishment later on in the steamroom. Recently my teenage daughter has joined me at the gym as well. I am teaching her how to use the machines and we "spot" each other on weights. Yesterday I received a reminder call from my stepdaughter, who is also my Bosom Buddy, to do a breast exam. I am so thankful she is there looking after me and reminding me to take care of myself and also proud that she has internalized the health values I embrace.

Taking care of oneself physically is a concrete way to embrace life. In becoming knowledgeable about your health, you become proactive, rather than reactive, with regard to your body and its needs. I realize many women and men avoid physical exams because they are unpleasant, uncomfortable, or inconvenient--stop the excuses and make the call! Set the appointment and give yourself the ultimate gift of self-care. Do it for yourself, do it to honor your own mom, do it for your partner, spouse, sons and daughters.

On this Mother's Day weekend, I wish you all a very happy day, whether you are a mother or not. Most of all I wish you a weekend of jumping into your life with both feet and taking great strides toward ownership of your own health!

"It is the wise mother who gives her child roots and wings." --Chinese proverb

Thought for the Day: Schedule your health-check this week and become proactive with regard to your health. What can you do this week to set an example of self care in order to teach the importance of health to your loved ones?

Friday, May 05, 2006



The Power of Dreams

Thoreau encouraged each of us to go confidently in the direction of our dreams and live the life we've imagined. I use his words as one of my guiding principles when working with my clients. Each of us has dreams--some have been misplaced and are growing dusty, while others are in the process of being realized. As you have read already, the symbol I use to capture hopefulness and instill confidence in my clients as they move forward in their self-growth is the little flying piggy. For me, all the things Thoreau spoke of are represented in my pink, flying pig.

In my work with my clients, I help them to clarify their goals and together we work toward laying the foundation in order to achieve their goals. We work in an alliance with each other--I serve as the cheerleader, confidante, and keeper of the dream while my client works toward the realization of their goal. For the client, the going is sometimes easy and fast--they lose those 10 lbs or they get the job promotion they were afraid to ask for. For most folks though, the going is slow and hard and the client questions whether they should keep up the effort. "Is this the right step?" "What if I fail?" "I should just be happy with the way things are..." These are the doubts and questions I help my client navigate through. It may take months or years for them to achieve their big goal, but when they do I am there celebrating it with them!

Next weekend I will be celebrating one of those big achievements with one of my clients. I first met "Debbie" eight years ago when she was having difficulty with her youngest son "Adam" (the names and identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality). Debbie was a single mom, living on the outskirts of town in a trailer house with her six children ranging in age from 7 to 16. Adam was the youngest, built like a small bull with a temper to match. He was getting in trouble at school for fighting with his classmates and swearing at his teachers. At home he punched holes in the walls and took out his anger on his siblings and physically struck out at his mom. At the beginning of my work with Debbie and her family, I spent time with Adam helping him to put words, rather than his fists, to his feelings. He was also referred to our med clinic for psychostimulants and speech therapy due to a severe speech problem. Over the course of our years together, I worked with each of the family members at one point or another.

Debbie supported the family as a cashier in a large store in town and early on in our work together she expressed a desire to get a college education. She wanted to be able to provide her family with more than she was able to as a cashier and she noted she had been a good student in high school. I encouraged her to begin to take a class or two at the community college as her schedule permitted. She wasn't sure what she wanted to major in, but she was interested in working with children with special needs. Nearly each semester, over the following years, she was able to take a class or two and worked the night shift while her two older children looked after the younger ones. One year she wasn't able to take any classes because of the problems with Adam and her not being able to take off work. During another semester she was unable to take any courses or see me because she didn't have reliable transportation--their old car was continually breaking down and leaving her stranded.

Despite these challenges Debbie maintained her sense of self-assuredness and intention and kept her focus on one day being awarded her college diploma. Debbie's oldest daughter began taking courses with her and the two of them encouraged each other during the rough spots to keep going. Two years ago she and her daughter were admitted to a university here and Debbie began working to obtain her degree in Social Work. On Tuesday I received an invitation in the mail to attend Debbie's college graduation. She and her daughter will walk the stage together and Debbie will receive her diploma on her 45th birthday. I will be there cheering with the other proud members of the audience as we celebrate the accomplishments of the Class of 2006!

Debbie's story is a great one for all of us to hold in our hearts. It is a story of keeping the dream alive while taking methodical steps toward the realization of that dream despite the obstacles that get in our way. If this woman, a single mom of six, can achieve her greatest dream, just imagine what you can accomplish for yourself. Isn't today a beautiful day for YOU to fly with confidence toward the realization of your dreams?

Thought for the Day: What can you do this week to begin to take methodical steps toward the achievement of your big dream?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. --Thoreau