Friday, February 24, 2006



Babies Do Grow Up

Last night another milestone was crossed in my life as a mom--I registered my daughter at the high school she will attend this Fall. As I sat in the room with the other parents of the Class of 2010, half-heartedly listening to the information about credits and lockers and extracurricular sports, I couldn't keep my mind from playing a slo-mo recap of the developmental milestones that have occurred over the past 14 years. As a lump in my throat formed, I realized, again, my "baby" will be home for only four more, lightning-fast years and then she will embark on her own independent life adventure at college, perhaps never again to return for any extended length of time to our cozy nest.

When I found out I was pregnant I began to keep a journal, something I had not done since I was a pre-teen. As a new mother, my journal writing was an expression of the unbelievable and overwhelming love I felt for my developing 8 lb. 2 oz. baby girl. In journaling for my daughter I shared my love for her, my adjustment to being a mom and the challenges I experienced juggling marriage, graduate school and stepmotherhood at the same time. I shared with her my dreams for her as a grown woman. I recorded the experience of her birth while she lay in the bassinet next to my hospital bed. I chronicled the typical "firsts": her first tooth, her first haircut, her first taste of ice cream. I described our adventures in traveling to Europe and the Carribbean beginning when she was a few months old and our move from California to Texas when she was 3. I confided my worries and doubts as a mom, and explained to her my personal hopes and dreams, both as a parent and as a woman. By the time she began middle school, the journal grew to 5 volumes. The journal is something I hope she will turn to when she is a young mother and as she reads the pages she will hear my voice reminding her of the experiences we shared, and provide her with comfort and support.

When I began the journal, my daughter's foray into the world of high school seemed light years away. Back in 1991 I felt I would be sleep-deprived, covered in baby goo, leaking breastmilk and changing diapers for the rest of my life. So last night as I saw my daughter leaping ever closer to adulthood, I experienced an initial flutter of sadness and loss. Oh, to have one more night of rocking her in my arms, gently singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" as she cooed and stroked my face with her chubby hands!

Isn't it always the case, just like the Joni Mitchell song, that you don't realize that some event is the LAST time you will ever experience it again, until you reflect back and register it's absence? I wish there was a little flag that would magically appear and wave to alert me:

"Attention, Kim! This is the last time your daughter will shout with glee: 'Mommy, look what I made you in school today!' Take Notice!"

Imagine all the little flags, flapping and waving madly over our heads, drawing our distracted attention to the things that are truly important! As I reflect on my feelings today, that flutter of loss has turned into a tentative sense of hopefulness and pride. The next few years will be an incredible adventure for my nearly grown baby--she will experience events and engage in interactions with people outside of the safety of the "play dates" I carefully arranged when she was small. My husband and I will stand back at a safe distance and allow her to spread her wings a bit over the next few years, trusting that she has taken to her heart the values of self-respect, compassion and curiosity of the world we have taught her.

As a life coach I help my clients "reframe" situations and view setbacks, obstacles or disappointments as learning opportunities. Today I "reframed" my situation and, in the process, released the sense of loss I was experiencing.

I step through this new door with tentative expectation. I am ready to experience what the next four years hold for me and ask:

How will my role as mother evolve over the next four years?
Where will this new path lead me?
What are my opportunities for self-growth as my daughter matures?
What opportunities will be present in my marriage as our last child leaves the nest?


I welcome and look with anticipation toward my daughter's next milestones. I will watch with pride and love as she matures into a strong, vibrant and confident young woman of the world. I will raise my own flag of conscious awareness over the next four years and celebrate the "firsts" and "lasts" of my Class of 2010 baby!

Thought for the Day: What event has occurred in your life that you are having difficulty "reframing"? How can you approach this event from the perspective of "opportunity" rather than "loss?" What can you do this week to "raise the flag" of consciousness and not allow something important to slip away without awareness?

Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or hatch. --e.b. white

Friday, February 17, 2006



Salsa in San Antonio

Wednesday night I took my first lesson in a series of salsa and merengue classes, a birthday gift from my stepdaughter. I love to dance and I am usually the first one to bop to the dance floor in any place with live music. I learned to groove to the rocking beat of the Stones, Grateful Dead and CSN&Y and if you are familiar with these bands, then you know there are no set dance steps to memorize nor do you really have to do anything similar to the moves of your dance partner--you just move! I have always admired people who could get out on the dance floor and, no matter what the style of music being played, effortlessly move their feet in rhythm and time with each other. I want to learn to glide across a dance floor, seeming unconscious of what my feet and those of my partner are doing. When my hubby and I attempt to dance anything other than "freestyle"--the results are sometimes embarrassing and often hilarious.

Years before we moved to Texas, my husband and I stopped in a small Texas town while on a cross-country drive. As we checked into the local motel for the night, we heard music and laughter emanating from the dance hall next door. We moseyed on over and watched the room spin in sync to the Texas Two Step. It was the first time I had witnessed such a dance spectacle. Both of us thought the dance looked pretty easy and jumped in at the next song. We felt confident in our ability to figure out the steps, and if nothing else, we could fake our way through a song. HA! What we found was that we were consistently going against the flow of traffic like salmon swimming upstream. We stepped on each other's toes and the toes of the poor people who ventured into our chaotic path. After a few minutes, we laughingly took our seats and enjoyed the dancers from the sidelines.

Now at 47 I am finally going to learn to swim in sync with the other dancing salmon and boogie in step with my life partner. As a coach I encourage my clients to step outside their comfort zone and broaden their horizons. Learning something new not only enhances your life portfolio but some studies on longevity suggest that when you challenge your brain to learn new skills, you live younger for a longer period of time--isn't this something we all want to do? The New York Times Bestseller, "Younger Next Year For Women" by Chris Crowley and Henry Lodge, MD purports that to live longer and younger we should eat wisely, exercise frequently and moderately, challenge our minds with new skills and become involved in social activities. Aging is a fact of life, but according to Dr. Lodge, aging well is very much within our control.

Social interactions appear to play a large factor in living longer. As humans we are pack creatures--we enjoy social contact and gain health benefits from the love and attention we give and receive from others. When we become socially isolated, we tend to go into something akin to physical and psychological hibernation. Without stimulation from others, or interest in others, we shut down like our computer after a period of time. Given the fact that I want my hubby to live a long and, as healthy a life as possible by my side, he is learning the salsa right along with me. This is an opportunity for us to experience a new adventure, get some exercise in a lively environment, meet friends, and challenge our brains (and feet) to learn a novel skill. What a way to enlist in an exercise program and enrich our relationship at the same time! Six short weeks from now we are looking forward to stepping back out onto that dance floor to SALSA! Who knows, maybe "Dancing With The Stars" is next!

Thought for the Day: What can you do to begin to live younger longer? Think about how you can make simple alterations in your diet, activity level and social involvement to make a huge impact on your quality of life. Remember: This is your life, live it with purpose!

Learning to walk sets you free. Learning to dance gives you the greatest freedom of all: to express with your whole self the person you are.--
Melissa Hayden

Thursday, February 09, 2006



Helicopter Rides

A few months ago my husband and I vacationed in incredible Kona, Hawaii (see previous post titled: Air Guitar) and splurged on a helicopter tour of the island. This was the first helicopter ride in my life and I admit to experiencing no small degree of anxiety as I climbed into the cockpit with my fellow passengers, wondering about our sanity in paying a stranger to provide us with an opportunity to hover above the still-spewing and very much-alive volcano, Kilauea. As we lifted off and once I successfully banished all of the "what-if" scenarios screaming in my brain involving loss of altitude, faulty helicopter blades and visions of careening uncontrollably toward the ground, I was able to open my mind up and absorb the amazing view from above.

Cliche as it sounds, what struck me most about the experience was how different everything looked from just a few hundred feet above the ground. I gained a new perspective of the landscape and I was able to appreciate the intricate and beautiful formations crafted by the hardened lava. From above I could see the swirls and connections of ancient flows blending into the more recent flows and I observed how the burning rivers of oozing lava permanently transformed everything that came into its fiery contact. This vista was in stark contrast to how I saw the lava fields prior to my elevated perch.

From the ground, what I saw were miles and miles of brown rock.

From the ground I could not distinguish the subtle nuance of shades of brown.

However, once my feet touched the ground again my perspective of the miles and miles of brown rock was permanently altered. I had new eyes to detect and appreciate the differences in color and texture. This new sensitivity was borne from my experience of changing my altitude.

Last night a new friend provided me a change of altitude--and this time I didn't have to tempt gravity to experience it. Last night I was engaged in the requisite parental after-school waiting drill for my daughter to emerge from play practice. A fellow "Momrade-in-Arms" approached me as I waited in the car with our dog. She wanted to meet Zeebo and also share some positive feedback with me regarding how my daughter has helped her son, a new student, adjust to the school year. This feedback couldn't have come at a better time as, while I was waiting for the school day to come to an end, I had been reflecting on the interactions I had engaged in with my daughter over the past couple of days.

Let me start out saying I am blessed with my teen. All in all, we have a great relationship: we enjoy each other's company; she still shares her thoughts and concerns with me on a regular basis; and we still laugh together. However, for the past couple of days our morning conversations on the ride to school have been laced with, on my part, a heavy dose of analysis of her academic difficulty in a couple of her classes and on her part, defensiveness and anger in reaction to my criticism. The last couple of mornings I have slipped into a bizarre, but seemingly uncontrollable, lecture voice about grades, performance, study skills and college goals. Now I am not suggesting that these topics are not important and worthy of discussion between parents and children--what I am trying to describe is that very fine balance we must all strike as parents: allowing our child to experience the natural consequences (both pros and cons) of their behavior and stepping in as the important adult in their life to take charge and orchestrate the scenario.

Yesterday I was in tears by the time I arrived home from the morning drop-off after my daughter fled the car to start her school day in angry and hurt frustration. I had spent the 20 minute drive to school giving voice to a critical lecture on school performance. On the ride home as I reflected on my part of the conversation, I realized I had opened the door for my ego to waltz in and become overly-involved in my daughter's school performance. Although the umbilical cord was severed by my husband 14 years ago in a delivery room in California, it is times like this, wherein I can skew the situation in a way to unconsciously reanimate that old cord and link her performance or attitude back to me, her mom. After talking with my husband, I realized, again, that she has to do well in school because it is important to her--not to me. She has to feel a sense of pride and achievement in her successes because that feeling is important to her--not me. For the past couple of days I had been focusing on what was not going right and I temporarily lost sight of all that is wonderful and great about my child.

As I pondered this in the car last night while waiting for my daughter to emerge from practice, this new friend approached me to share with me how her son appreciates my daughter's friendship and kind spirit. This parent, whom I didn't know prior to yesterday, spent 15 minutes recounting how my daughter had eased her son's transition to a new middle school and how she enveloped him into her group of friends and stood up for him when he needed an advocate. Her positive comments about my daughter brought tears to my eyes as I listened.

Once again, I was lifted off the ground and provided a new view of the "landscape." I was given the opportunity to see my daughter and our recent interactions from an alternative perspective.

I was able to view my daughter from a new dimension.

I was reminded of my daughter's "wholeness" and that she is greater than the sum of her academic parts.

I needed to get off the ground to see all of her beautiful traits and intricacies of character. When I "landed" and my daughter bounded into the car, I hugged her and once again saw her for the miracle in my life that she is.

Thought for the Day: This entry describes the coaching concept of "meta-view" or looking at things from the "big picture" perspective. What is going on in your life right now in which you could gain some clarity by "taking a helicopter ride?"

Up, up and away in my beautiful balloon... --The Fifth Dimension

Thursday, February 02, 2006



Puppy Love

As I write this entry, my mantle dane, Zeebo, is asleep to the left of my chair. His big black nose twitches and his tail languidly wags as he cavorts through his dreamscape. To my right, crumpled in a gray and black heap, lies our newest dane addition, an 8 week old merle female named Suki, twitching, grunting and yelping in response to her own puppy-dreams. Suki arrived via Delta from FL on Monday evening and since then has pretty much done what she can to alternately ingratiate herself to the members of our household and disrupt as much of the routine as possible.

While in FL this Christmas, visiting with my dane-breeding family members, my resolve dissolved after spending a week surrounded by danes of all ages, sizes and colors. I experienced something similar to what my friend Barbara calls being sprinkled with "newborn forget-me-dust." Such a sprinkling allows new birth-mothers to forget the pain of childbirth and sign up to do it again a few years later. In my case, it was milkbone-forget-me-dust. When Zeebo turned 2 this past September, I had pretty much forgotten how much effort it takes to socialize a new puppy into a household. This time around, I have a new perspective. Not only am I attempting to teach her the rules of the game, but I realize she is reminding me of some important life lessons in the process.

Suki reminds me of the importance of mindfulness. With a puppy in the household, one must be conscious and mindful of protecting anything that one does not want tattooed or torn with sharp little puppy teeth. On a life lesson scale, this translates into being mindful on a daily basis about what we want to preserve in our lives (for example, time to exercise, time to meditate, date nights, or time at the ice cream parlor with the kids). It is easy to allow other things to intrude and place their own mark or tattoo on that which we need in our lives to keep us balanced and happy.

Suki is teaching me about curiosity. A day in the life of a puppy brims with opportunities and adventure. In her eyes, playing with a piece of crumpled paper is just as exciting as gnawing on a rawhide bone. Suki takes notice of everything that comes into her line of smell and vision and approaches her world from a place of curiosity and openness. When she takes notice, she becomes engrossed in her exploration. She sniffs, bats at, chews on, licks and rolls on top of the object of her curiosity. From a life-lesson perspective, how often do we cruise through our day without really taking notice of the people around us who come into our line of vision or consciousness? For example, with whom do you interact with on a near daily basis but have never taken the time to express interest in that person's life? Think: the dry cleaner attendant, the grocery store bagger, the mailperson, your childcare provider. I believe if everyone engaged with one another in this way, not only would our individual lives be enriched, but our world would soften to embrace, rather than reject, our vast cultural and ethnic diversity.

Suki is teaching me about enthusiasm. Puppies have a seemingly unlimited capacity for enthusiasm and Suki is the ultimate pep squad member. She is thrilled when anyone acknowledges her existence with a pat or words, her little body wiggles and squirms over the attention. She jumps up and down, ears and tail flapping with excitement, at the sound of her kibble as it's poured into her bowl. How would your life differ if you approached each hour with enthusiasm and hopefulness? This gets back to being curious about the world around you. For instance, rather than walking into your next staff meeting with your feet dragging and boredom already written upon your face, what if you went in with a goal to learn something or offer a suggestion in the meeting? Imagine the energy shift if you changed your attitude and approach to a not-so-novel situation!

Suki reminds me to express love and gratitude. Suki exudes love and acceptance. She is ecstatic when she sees my daughter, even if the lapsed time between the last "sighting" was less than two minutes ago. When Zeebo leans over to give her a sniff, she stands on her hind legs to embrace his face with her oversized paws and strains to lick his nose and jowls with her tiny pink tongue. When she stumbles upon me in my office, she plops her paws on my thighs and strains to give me an energetic puppy kiss. In the human realm, it's easy to forget to express our love and tenderness to those we care about. Some people have difficulty saying "I love you" each morning and evening, and think "Oh, (fill in the blank) knows how I feel about him/her." How long has it been since you picked up the phone to call your friend to wish her well? Let the loved ones you live with (and those who are far away) know your feelings. Doesn't it feel great when someone acknowledges and compliments you?

Suki reminds me to be grateful for all that is good in my life. Once again, it's easy to lose sight of the things which bring us joy and make our life easier because of their existence. (Believe me, I am especially grateful for my washer and dryer since her arrival!) Take some time to look around your environment and acknowledge your abundance.

Thought for the Day: How can you put into play some of the life lessons of mindfulness, being curious about the world, enthusiasm, and the importance of expressing love and gratitude this week?

Dogs are miracles with paws. ~Attributed to Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy