Saturday, October 29, 2005

Running Lingo/Life Lingo

Reading through this month's Runner's World magazine--one of the few magazines I read cover to cover--my attention was grabbed by an article written about Deena Kastor, the fastest American woman in history (she won the 2003 London Marathon in 2:21:16, can you even imagine running that fast for 26 miles!?). In the article Deena offers her Recipe for Success: How to run your best, even if it isn't for an Olympic medal. As I read through the article I was struck by how much of her advice I use with my coaching clients. This is not only a recipe for runners, but a recipe for life.

Partner Up: Kastor says to find someone to share the road with as it will help you stick to a structured plan. In moving forward toward sticking with your own life goals, it is important to have someone who is holding you accountable. This can be a coach, family member, co-worker or friend. When you realize you have to call your coach and tell her about what you accomplished, most folks will make sure they have taken some action during the week--even if it is only the hour before the call!

Touch Your Toes: Kastor says most runners don't stretch enough. I couldn't agree more in that I feel most people don't stretch their minds enough. Many of us are happy staying in that comfy coach potato mode and resist stretching our minds to incorporate a new way of thinking about or analyzing a problem in order to come up with a new solution. I talk about this as conscious thinking with my clients. It is easy to stay in the same old dance steps (unconscious thinking) and not challenge yourself to boogie to a new beat!

Mix Things Up: Deena notes that the more variety you add to your training, the more likely you will stick with it. In this example, I encourage my clients to engage in everyday situations in a novel manner. Live life in the here and now--surprise the bagger at the grocery store with a kind comment or smile, engage in a real conversation with your mail delivery person (see archive entitled "A Real Person in Make Believe"), step outside your own head and observe what goes on around you. Pay it forward in some manner in your day and see what happens! When you interact in your environment in a positive manner, you will attract the same into your life.

Pick a Goal: Kastor encourages runners to write their goal down and post it on the fridge or bathroom mirror because each time you see your goal it will refocus you. In my coaching, I encourage my clients to spend time articulating their goals and writing them down. In this way, my clients maintain their focus on what is important to them and they can chart their progress toward the realization of those goals. Henriette Anne Klauser notes, in her book "Write it Down, Make It Happen," that writing down your dreams and aspirations is like hanging up a sign proclaiming "Open for Business"--you alert a part of your brain to start paying attention and working overtime to cue you when signs come along that help you achieve your goals. She compares this cueing as similar when you buy a blue Honda and suddenly you start seeing blue Hondas all over town. They were there all along but you were just not paying attention!

Fuel Up: Deena urges runners to include a variety of healthy foods in their diet: fresh foods over fast foods. I also believe that we need to honor and care for our bodies. Becoming knowledgeable and conscious of making good choices will hopefully ensure a long and healthy life. Healthy choices include eating healthful foods, engaging in regular exercise, maintaining balance between career and leisure activities, engaging in loving, nurturing relationships, and an abundance of opportunities to laugh! One of my all time favorite books on health is "You, The Owner's Manual" by Drs. Roizen and Oz. A winning combo of great advice and a fun read!

Push Yourself: Finally, Deena observes, it's easy to get through a workout when you are feeling good--it's the rough days that you need to challenge yourself. Listen to your body and adjust your run--you might come out of a bad day stronger than when you started. How many of us can relate to that? Sometimes it is really, really hard to stay on track and make the choices we need to make in order to move forward. Somedays I swear my daughter's BBQ chips are calling to me from the pantry! Just when you feel ready to give in to that craving or temptation--hang in there--go for a walk, call a friend, email your coach--once you make it through to the other side (and you will), you will feel like you have come in first across that finish line!

Thought for the day: Print out or copy these Recipes for Success: Put them into practice this week and tell me how you did! I'm here cheering you on as you take off from the starting line when the gun goes off!

If you want to be successful at anything, it requires practice.
--Bill Wenmark, on running a marathon

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Look Ma! It's an Angel!

This morning I had an amazing opportunity to be on a local radio station to share with the listening parent-audience how to broach the uncomfotable subject of talking to your kids about sex. It was alot of fun and I hope to have the opportunity again to reach a broad audience to educate folks about navigating the rocky road of parenting, life transitions and life in general.

Later as I went for my morning run with my dog, Zeebo, I reflected on the "dots" which lead to this opportunity. The seeds of this invitation were planted nearly one year ago, and at that time, I would have never in a million years guessed that I would one day be invited to speak to a radio audience about coaching.

Reflect back on opportunities in your own life in which "a call came out of the blue", or an amazing opportunity presented itself thanks to a contact you made weeks, months or even years before. I feel that the most magical and exquisite experiences come from those situations in which I have no expectation of a mind-altering or life-altering event. I attribute these events to "angels".

Now, before you start to wonder what I had in my morning coffee, I use the term "angel" somewhat loosely. I am not talking about little chubby asexual babies with wings holding itsy bitsy bows and arrows hovering above my head. I am talking about those individuals in our lives (whether they be acquaintances or loved ones) who truly offer us opportunities to broaden our minds and experiences.

I imagine we are surrounded by angels holding imaginary cards with dots (kind of like domino dots)--waiting for the opportunity to change our lives for the better--to offer us a new perspective or opportunity. One angel holds up a card and the next one holds up a card that matches, which opens up to another dot combination, and we are off and running!

Angels are the people you want on your "team". They are the ones who offer support, encouragement, new perspective, helpful suggestions and new opportunity. Angels are partners, spouses, siblings, children, coaches, and others in your community.

Angels are all around us--we simply need to open our hearts and minds to the opportunities they offer us. I plan to have plenty of angels in my midst at all times! So here's a huge thanks to some of my "angels": my family, my clients, Sarah, Karen, Claudia, and Mindy. You all ROCK!!!

Thought for the Day: Who are a few of the angels in your midst? Take time to thank those angels for what they have done for you.


The people you need to help you make your dream come true are everywhere and within your reach. --Marcia Wieder

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

A Real Person in Make Believe.

Earlier this week I attended a community fundraiser with my husband. It was a "black tie affair" which always makes me feel a bit like I am playing dress up in my mom's "fancy" clothes. I love the pomp and circumstance around such events as everyone in attendance always seems to be transformed into glamorous and debonair beings. Plus, it's always fun to have a night out, away from the usual routine of "Did you finish your homework?" "Who's turn is it to do the dishes?" and the ever-present, "Is there anything to watch on tv tonight?" As my tuxedoed husband drove our pumpkin carriage/Toyota Highlander to the event, I silently wondered who our seatmates might be and which acquaintances we would see there. I am somewhat extroverted when it comes to meeting people in small groups (I take after my mom, once again) and I love hearing about what people do in their day to day lives.

As the evening progressed, I felt a nagging feeling of discontent. I pinpointed the feeling to a realization that here we were at a beautiful event--the setting was right, the flowers were perfect, the music was soothing--but what was missing was authentic human conversation.

Folks were caught up in "role playing" rather than "real playing" regarding communication.

People were speaking in "dress up" rather than engaging in real, authentic conversations. As I listened to the presenter and guest speakers and listened in on converations around me, most of the verbiage coming out of people's mouths were political acknowledgements, superficial fawnings and babble.

So what does being authentic in communication mean?

For me it means being present in a conversation with someone. This is more challenging than it seems--it is easy to drift off while someone is talking and wonder about the daily stuff--what to cook for dinner...did I remember to call the dentist...don't forget to pick up dog food at the store...and on and on. Dave Ellis says being present means "fully listening", maintaining my attention as well as opening up my mind to learning another's perspective or experience. Listening fully means opening up to the ideas of others and being willing to change my opinion. When we listen fully we give up the notion that we know how things are "supposed to be". Approaching conversations in this manner allows me to engage in an adventure with my seatmate, client, friend or family member.

Secondly, we have the ability to choose our conversations. Take a moment and think about how you felt when you have listened to someone's gripe session, day in and day out. I call this the Eeyore Syndrome--remember, the gloomy, all is lost, donkey from Winnie the Pooh? You may feel dragged down, dulled, like a bit of your energy has been sapped. Think about "water cooler" conversations--chatter about the weather or office gossip. How did you feel after those conversations? Now think about conversations you have had in which you walked away energized, excited and optimistic.

Imagine what would it be like if we chose our conversations with others that steer us toward our goals and expression of our values?

This is what coaching is about--having meaningful conversations with another person who helps you to deepen your daily experience and reach your goals and aspirations. A coach is one member of your personal community who helps you create a vision for what you want to achieve in your life and who encourages you along the journey toward getting what you want. As you begin to move towards the realization of your goals, you feel uplifted, energized and increasingly motivated!

That evening as I prepared for bed, I realized my agenda was different from others that night. I looked forward to connecting with people--deepening my understanding of what makes others' tick, what propels people forward in their lives and how we can support and encourage each other to grow. Perhaps I should have stayed in the mindset of "dress up" and then my expectations of the evening would have stayed in the realm of make believe--after all, I was in the company of a handsome prince!

Thought for the Day:What would you like to improve about your conversations with others to propel you toward your goals?


"Our words create our consciousness, our consciousness creates our actions, and our actions create our circumstances." --Dave Ellis

Monday, October 10, 2005

Go Ahead, Just Ask!

This past weekend we entertained a group of folks from my husband's workplace. I really love entertaining and having people over to our home. I think this stems from growing up in a household in which my mom was always on the lookout to invite someone home for afternoon coffee and cake or Sunday dinner. On the weekends, our house was often filled with my parents' friends--my dad's fishing buddies or fellow submarine vets and my mom's women friends. As a child, I could always look forward to a great dessert and lots of stories around the table if their friends were able to stay for dinner. I have to admit that on this particular Saturday, I was feeling extremely stressed as I scurried around like a neighborhood squirrel, hunting and gathering the party supplies and food. I promised myself that I would be completely ready for the guests by 4 pm, which would allow time for a 30 minute run and a quick shower before they were due at 5 pm. By 11:00 am, however, it was becoming increasingly evident that the likelihood of having time to go for a quick run in the afternoon shared the same odds as receiving a call from Oprah inviting me to be on her show this week!

Now, my household is populated by my hubby, our teenage daughter and my 20-something stepdaughter, plus the requisite animals--in our case, a 2 year old great dane and a 6 year old African desert tortoise. My human family members are all wonderful, kind, smart people whom I love very, very much and would not trade for anyone. That said, my family is not as detail-oriented as I am, and on weekend mornings they operate on "slow-as-molasses" speed while I have been on a caffeine-surge since 7:30 am thanks to Peet's Major Dickason's. So while I think in "lists" and scurry around the house doing many things at once, my family typically watches me with mild, sleepy interest as I buzz through my morning clean-up routine. Over the years, I have learned to juggle quite a number of things with great efficiency. This can be a wonderful thing on one hand: I managed to earn my Master's and Ph.D. degrees while raising an infant and 3 adolescent stepchildren AND stay married--but it also has some serious downsides, as sometimes I feel alone in managing household and work responsibilities.

On Saturday, I became conscious of dueling feelings of frustration and alarm as I scanned my lengthy To Do list and eyed my watch as the hour hand zoomed closer to 5 pm. Borrowing from Debbie Ford's book, "The Right Questions", I frequently ask my clients: "Will you use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will you use it as a chance to beat yourself up?" So, on Saturday afternoon I posed the same question to myself--there is nothing like having to walk the talk as a coach! This was my opportunity to change my life-long resistance/reluctance to asking for help, to grow up and address my fear of confrontation, and to stop holding onto resentment and frustration. So, at 4 pm, I let my husband in on my feelings and asked him to be more proactive in this event and in general household activities. Lo and behold, he didn't balk or tell me I was being ridiculous and he actually picked up the broom and swept up the loose dog kibble from the kitchen floor!

On Sunday, I spoke with my two daughters and, again, I was amazed that they both understood how I felt and promised to take more responsibility around the house! My stepdaughter even thanked me for bringing this to her attention and commended me for my assertiveness as she knew how difficult this was for me in the past--wow! Once I mustered up the courage to take action and stop tolerating what wasn't working for me, I realized that it was ME, holding myself back from evolving and moving forward. My family was more than willing to help me--all I had to do was ask!

So why are we so afraid to ask for what we need?

Are we afraid of looking needy, stupid, being rejected?

When we don't ask for what we need, we are holding ourselves back and keeping ourselves from improving our life experience. When we don't ask for what we want, we are saying "no" to ourselves before anyone else has a chance to (Jack Canfield). Canfield suggests that we should take the risk to ask for whatever we need. If someone says "no", we are no worse off than when we started. If they say "yes", we are a lot better off.

One of the keys to asking is that we need to be clear and specific about what we want. My big-time fear was of being rejected. However, if I hemmed and hawed, or slammed pots around the kitchen without opening my mouth to state what I needed and ask for help on Saturday--then nothing would have happened to improve the situation. Despite most folks' assumptions--our loved ones cannot read our minds. When I provided specific examples of what I needed from my family ("I need you to put the newspaper in the recycling bin when you are done with it" vs. "I need you to help out more"), each member was clear about what my request involved and each was able to respond with a clear "yes" or "no".

Today I feel much more free and less bogged-down--I made a real effort to change something that was not working for me any longer and my family responded positively to my requests. That act helped move me from a place of being stuck to closer to where I want to be in my life. I realize I will have to ask my family repeatedly for what I want, as this is new territory for all of us. For me that act of asking (and their responding) moved our relationship to a new level. Who knows what's next in my quest for self-improvement? This experience was definitely my gift (see previous post on 10/03/05) for the next couple of days!

Try this today: This exercise comes from "The Success Principles." Take time today and make a list of things you want but have been too afraid to ask for at home, school or work. Then write down your fear next to each item. Next write down what it is costing you not to ask. Then write down what benefit you would get if you were to ask. My bet is that the benefits of asking will outweigh the reasons for holding yourself back. Try it and let me know what you discover!

"You've got to ask. Asking is, in my opinion, the world's most powerful and neglected secret to success and happiness." --Percy Ross, self-made millionaire and philanthropist

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I spent today thinking about how it is so easy for us to get swayed or distracted from pursuing our purpose or fulfilling our dream. The day to day stuff can creep in and leave little to no room (or energy) to stay motivated and moving forward toward fulfillment of our goals, whether the goal is to get to the gym today or begin writing that long awaited, first chapter of a book. Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) offers an analogy of how our day-to-day life is like an empty bucket. There are large stones, which represent the "big items" or the important daily goals, and small stones, which represent all those little tasks and errands and fluff that intrudes on our day. Imagine the stones in two piles next to the bucket. If we try to fill our day with all those little tasks and errands and keep holding off on allowing our large stones access to our day, soon there is no room for the important stuff. The little stones fill up most of the bucket and the large stones have nowhere to go but outside the bucket.

The important thing to keep in mind is fill your bucket (your day) with the things that are most important FIRST, then there will always be room for the smaller stones to slip in and around the big important goals. If tomorrow you want to get to the gym--sit down and allot some time for that goal--don't just expect to fit it in somewhere, because chances are "it ain't gonna happen" on it's own. If you want to move forward, you've got to create some space to move--some breathing room, some room to maneuver, a road map to get you from where you are today a little bit closer to where you want to be one month from today.

So, what are your big rocks you let stay outside your bucket today?

How important is it to you to bring them in?

Of those that are important, maybe, as an experiment, plan out your week on Sunday to allow some space. Then over the course of the next week, be conscious (there I go again with that word!) of when the little rocks are taking precedence and then ask yourself: do I want the little rocks in now or have I made room for my big stone first? On the following Sunday ask yourself how it felt. Did you get more accomplished? Did you feel a greater sense of accomplishment and balance? My guess is you will have experienced more energy and satisfaction with how your week progressed. I'd love to hear your thoughts and experience, feel free to let me know how the experiment went for you!

Begin doing what you want to do now. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand--and melting like a snowflake.
--Mary Beynon Ray

Monday, October 03, 2005

Today was one of those "catch up" days--I had the day planned as to what I would accomplish, but in spite of my best intentions, day-to-day life crept in and swamped me. From having a Sleepless in San Antonio Night due to the air conditioner going on the fritz (not a fun thing as the temperature here is still hovering in the 90s), to my husband hobbling around on a swollen knee from too much basketball, to my daughter being home from school for a holiday, to an emergency call from the barn requesting a vet get out to see our horse ASAP due to him swallowing a piece of mesquite and having it lodged somwhere in his throat--today was a day I had to, borrowing from a popular rap song, "breathe, stretch, shake and let it go."

Days like today bring to mind that sometimes no matter how intent we are to order our lives in Quadrant 2 living, sometimes we just are not able to stay there. Some of you may not be familiar with the Covey's Quadrants so here is a little description. Covey presented the idea time management in four quadrants in his mega- successful book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". He suggested we create more balance in our lives by not jumping up and dealing with every single thing that comes along our desk or into our consciousness. When we react to everything from a state of urgency, we easily and quickly become overextended and burnt out. Covey divides Time into 4 quadrants: Quadrant 1-Things that appear urgent and important (crises, deadline driven situations or meetings), Quadrant 2-Things that are not urgent but are important (preparation, planning, relationship building, values clarification), Quadrant 3-Things that are not important but appear urgent (interruptions, some email, some meetings, some phone calls), and finally Quadrant 4--Things that are not urgent nor important (busywork, time wasters/couch potato activities). Most folks spend their days, months and even years bouncing back and forth between Quadrants 1 and 4--racing at hyper speed throughout the day only to come home and crash on the couch for the night watching reruns of Friends, then when the alarm goes off the next morning, getting up and repeating the process. The key to time management and life balance is to spend as much time as we can in Quadrant 2--planning for those crises, spending time with our loved ones and friends. Often the not urgent but important things in our lives get booted out because of the chaos going on in the other quadrants.

This is what I teach my clients about and how I try to live my life as well. But today was another story in terms of living solely in quadrant 2. Thankfully, however, the day is over and I did manage to get some of the things done that I needed--what was most important though was spending time with my daughter, (Quadrant 2) as this was the gift of the day--an unexpected holiday. Tomorrow will be another day to make room for the items on my checklist--I guess I really did stay in Quadrant 2 after all!

Gifts of the Day is something elese I try to focus on--I began doing this over the summer as I wanted to really acknowledge with gratitude the abundant life I live. I view each day as a game in terms of seeking out and identifying what my gift is from the universe. Today was the vet getting to our horse in time to alleviate his discomfort and my daughter being home. One day it was finding the first red leaf of Fall at my feet on one of my runs with my dog. A blessed gift one day last summer was watching 7 swans take flight simultaneously across Buzzards Bay in Cape Cod. In Paris last Spring, my gift was the perfect cafe latte. Once I found a piece of blue seaglass in the shape of a heart. I never know what my gift will be until I find it and it resonates in my heart and soul as "This is it!"

Thoughts for today: What was your gift of today? How can you live more of your tomorrow in Quadrant 2?